I turned down great sex today. What's wrong with me?

I’m working at home today – had the Friday morning school dropoff and a few calls and that was it. I also needed to wash and dry what feels like an endless amount of winter gear.

Jason knows I sometimes work from home on Fridays. Last night he sent me a saucy text message (he’s been in pretty constant contact these days, unlike someone we know) and joked he was just going to come on over and give me a good seeing too.

Wow, was I tempted. Sorely tempted. I haven’t had sex in almost three weeks. Now, I’m not out of my skin with desire, but I could use a good fucking.

Combine that with the thought that my relationship with Tony is surely about to end, and I confess I did consider taking Jason up on his offer. Especially if he just showed up at my door, I thought about what I would do.

And I said no. He didn’t tempt me in person, but the temptation and opportunity was there. I realized that in the incredibly minor (<5% chance) that Tony returns and is newly committed and emotionally available (try not to spit out your drink), I didn’t want to have cheated. The other fact is that Jason isn’t going anywhere. Pretty sure I can get a good fucking out of him within a couple of days of telling him I’m available.

Tony comes back on Monday. I have no idea when, because I haven’t heard from him. So, now I’m just so darn curious what it will be like when he does get in touch. Anyone want to guess which scenario it could be:

a) he’s thought about things and has decided to get back with his ex.

b) he’s thought about things and has decided to be emotionally available to me and fully committed (not that he’d say it that way).

c) he hasn’t thought about anything to do with me and will just expect things will be exactly as they were before I left on my vacation.

d) other options? I won’t take offense…

0 thoughts on “I turned down great sex today. What's wrong with me?

  1. d) Tony attempts to “c” his way back but Ann decides that his communication and commitment indifference is not worthy of her time and love. She tells him that he has but one option…to no longer hold you at bay.

  2. I don’t know the situation, but rumor has it when a person is falling short on communication they’re not worth your time. No one deserves to be strung along.

    • Hi Sarah! Thanks for commenting. I don’t feel strung along so much – he’s on vacation and said he would likely have his phone off – but I do feel neglected. Not that it’s much better :/

  3. My bet is “c”. Which is super annoying because of his “I might surprise you comment”. You would think he would at one point give you a courtesy email of “having a great time but can’t wait to see you email” or at least *something*. I am disappointed in his inconsiderate nature. You deserve better.

    • That’s my take as well. Not a whole lot of effort to do what you describe. I think it demonstrates where his head it as right now – not where I need it to be. Can it get there? Maybe… But I’m less optimistic that I used to be.

      • I agree….his head isn’t in the right spot. He seems to be in the midst of a selfish phase and it’s not likely to change for some time. It would be hard to wait with someone and hope they grow out of it, especially if the growth just never happens.

        • Exactly right. Too often I catch myself hoping there will be a change, and I have always said that you have to accept someone exactly as they are. Sometimes people change, but it’s pretty darn rare.

      • Of course, the romantic in me is hoping he will come back reinvigorated and realizing how awesome I am for him, and he’ll be fully emotionally into this relationship. But I’m also a cynic and I doubt highly that it will happen that way.

  4. I’m a bit out of the loop here and will need to go through archives and catch up later, but the way you describe the situation here I think you made the right decision. Better to err on the side of caution, wait until you’re absolutely sure where you stand with Tony, especially since, as you say, Jason will still be there. So just take a few cold showers to get you through til Monday…

  5. I think you need to decide what YOU want and need regardless of his reason for no communication -and I can think of no good reason for his behavior. I agree with the disrespect comment by totallycaroline. Don’t put your balls in his court, he doesn’t deserve them.

  6. Dear Ann, I’ve been there and all I can say is that it truly really hurts. He didn’t contact me and I cried non stop. The first one he texted the morning he was back was me and told me he wanted to texted me but just couldn’t or wouldn’t. Later I demanded to know more about his “disappearance”, so he told me that he had missed me too but didn’t want to hurt me sending pics or texts. We’re doing fine now. I’m still hurt but having him back is worth all the pain. Just hold on and please, trust yourself.

  7. I think C and I agree that it is totally disrespectful. Don’t let him off the hook on this one…there’s no excuse for him to be completely uncommunicative for this long. One day, maybe…a whole vacation, not ok. I went on a cruise a few years ago and did not have my phone on obviously but I made sure to email the guy I was seeing every single day and I text him the second we got back to the U.S.

  8. I’ve never dated anyone who was crazy about me, and didn’t attempt to contact me several times during their travels, be it vacation or business. I say unless things have drastically changed when he returns and he is committed to you as you want, then it’s time to move on. I agree about it being a lack of respect with his lack of contact. Just my two cents.

  9. I think it’s going to be C as well.

    However the fact that he hasn’t contacted you once during his holiday would have me spitting chips when he got back.

    Utterly not ok. So far from ok that I may be labelled a shrill harpy.

    It is disrespectful, it’s also rather hurtful. What the fuck is his problem? How much time does it take to roll over in the morning and type “Good morning beautiful, can’t see your face but you’re in my thoughts” ? Seriously.

    Can I kick him in the dick for you? Gosh, I’m in a mood today.

    S xox

  10. I did not spit out my tea when you said that. I think it’s possible that he has a very deep man cave and really does need some time, considering all that he’s going through (which sounds stressful given his kid is a part of the dilemma)…I’m also pretty sure he misses you.

    Either way he chooses, that man appreciates you a great deal, and for good reason. You have given him love and the room to breathe. I think that takes a lot of maturity.

    • Thank you, Jami. I do think that you are correct. And I suppose because I understand the phase, I’ve put aside my own needs. He’s also been meeting many of my needs – but the last three weeks have highlighted for me where his head is truly at. And I can’t continue with someone who can’t be there for me when I actually need them.

      • I totally get what you’re saying. Despite his needs, you have to put your needs first. It’s a hard thing to do, given we love these men (I’m living a reality very similar to yours). I guess after we make these decisions for ourselves, we’ll take a sigh of relief. Sad, but resolute.

    • It’s not torture for me, but I’m someone that needs some space. Even those adore, I can’t be with 24/7.

      And honestly, I don’t mind if someone needs to be totally offline for a few days. But 13 days of no contact, when I’m clearly in a place that I need him, because of my job, and he either didn’t see or hear it, and didn’t think to reach out… just highlights for me where his head is at. I can’t be with someone who can’t be there for me when I need them.

  11. You know I get that he may have wanted to take some time to think about what to do with his ex. Though if feelings are still in play a future just got harder even if he chooses you. That second chance someone was talking about. He could or should have done this sooner.
    Other than that, no matter what or how it plays out. He should have called once or twice just to say good night, or a text saying good morning. It is no task and takes little time. Either way the scale will fall to a single side, he is/was committed in a relation with you ( no need to spill drink – oops should have said that before anything – Do you know how hard it is cleaning a screen.) he should have considered your feelings just as much. Yes he should have called either way he chooses

    This is but my opinion and having screwed up a similar situation. Just a good night can do so much.

    Now I can see how you feel, you want this. it is why you turned down the sex. Crazy or not, you want Tony. You made up your mind with all things considered knowing it might be one sided. It is a good choice to love. So smile. There will be enough days to enjoy life one way or the other.

    • It’s true, I do want him. There are things about his personality and likes that I’ve yet to find in anyone else. But I can’t take those things at the exclusion to having someone be there for me when I need them.

      And it’s good to hear that most people think it takes very little effort to reach out, and he should of done it. It’s important for me to be reasonable in my demands!

      • It is not a demand and how big is it to be thought of once a day. To hear a good night form him you love. You should not have to ask for something like that. It is something you love giving. It is simple and easy. And means the world to the receiver.

  12. Maybe it should be you who will finish the relationship with Tony. Maybe you are fed up and need to move on? Whatever happens I think you should wait with fucking other people until the situation with Tony is clarified.

      • I can understand you. I really hate it when a guy doesn’t make an effort to stay in touch. it’s really crucial for me. Some men just don’t do it, but Tony knows that you need the communication and he still doesn’t improve, so maybe there’s no point of dragging this whole thing.

        • For me it was a real indication of where his head it at right now – firmly planted in his own ass πŸ™‚

          I wish it was different and I find myself hoping for any glimmer of change. But I’m not actually all that optimistic.

  13. All I can say is, if I was interested in someone I would be sure to communicate that and communicate it often. With how easy communication is today, no matter how busy you get it is easy to drop a quick “hello.”

    • Exactly!! It’s not much effort and in my mind, not really acceptable unless you are truly in a place where you have to unplug. I know that’s not the case with where he is, and I’m quite certain he’s been in touch with other people while he’s been away. Perhaps not, but I would bet money on it. So no excuse to not even send a short message.

  14. I don’t really feel like playing “what’s gonna happen”, it’s Monday, and that answer will be known soon. I do want to commend you on your decision to turn down great sex. If things work out with Tony, you’d feel crappy for sure. It’s better to close that door first if that’s what you want to do.

    • You don’t need to play that game at all… I was simply curious whether folks thought I was fooling myself. My guess is he thinks nothing is wrong at all with his lack of contact…but I’ve been wrong before.

      And yes, I’m not messing around with anyone else until things are sorted.

      • Normally that would be exactly my kinda game, but I am feeling a touch out of sorts today, my guess is too much work, not enough time off.

        I don’t like to read any comments before I compose mine, so I don’t get swayed, I was beginning to feel like I was the only one on Team Tony, although some of your readers are willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, it seems more of them think it isn’t going to work out. Personally, I hope it does.

  15. Unfortunately C. He could have found the time for one simple text. Even a non committal text like good morning is better than none. Perhaps you can tell him you like him but can’t be exclusive with him? Best of both worlds? Or do you feel too strongly for him for this?

    • Putting aside the fact that I like him too much to be okay with him being with other women, I also think I’ve already done too much that gives him what he wants (time with me) without asking for anything in return. Being non exclusive would mean he’d still get me but need even less in return…

  16. The permutations of possible situations are infinite. I’m glad you turned down sex. Big deal you turned down sex for your principles. That’s what adults do. I know you’re horny but sex is renewable like solar energy. And like you said, it’s not like whatshisname won’t come over ASAP when you’re ready. You’re Ann F St Vincent, dammit!

What do you think?