Since I’m by the ocean, the boat analogies seem appropriate. I feel like I’ve lost my anchor and am adrift in my thoughts. I have no bearings to keep me on my mental course.
Liam and I are vacationing with 16 family friends, including 6 other children between 5 and 12. It’s great to have some surrogate dads and lots of children for Liam to play with. These are fun people, we are by an amazing beach with hot sunny days and warm nights. The stars twinkle across the visible night sky, and we’ve watched each night at the moon got closer to being full.
I have read one of my aunt’s old books, “Peyton Place”, have swum in the ocean, drank cocktails at 10am, gone snorkelling, and played catch on the beach with my kid. I am trying hard to keep my thoughts at bay because I don’t like where they take me when they are allowed to roam free.
There is the worry of my job. Yes, I’ve been given an opportunity for a “soft landing”, as they say, with 6 months at my current company to find something else. But given the reductions being done across the executive ranks, it may not be possible.
Worse are the thoughts about Tony. I really have no idea what to do. I’m in a place without reliable wifi or cellular service and as such I’ve received only a couple text messages from him since I left, and nothing in the last 5 days. I realized how much I count on a regular check-in to keep the negativity at bay. I find it ironic that I’ve heard more from Jason this past week. HE sends me “good morning, beautiful” text messages, and tells me he misses me.
Few men I’ve dated were really good at consistently expressing their affection for me in words – Johnny Id was the best, driven no doubt by actual love and also distance, which made in-person demonstrations impossible. While my love languages are predominantly Affection and Quality Time, with Tony, I’ve realized I can’t live without Words. Especially when I’m away for seven days and have no opportunity for anything else.
Thinking perhaps the text messaging wasn’t working, I sent Tony an email yesterday. It was very short and said I was pretty sure my texting wasn’t working, I hoped he was having a good week, and I was hoping to see him when I got back or the day after and to please let me know if that might work. Given my job was just eliminated I’m not all that busy on Tuesday.
There’s been no response. And I’ve subsequently received a text message from my friend Katharine and an email from my Mom… so I know things are working.
This makes me feel like crap. The hurt and worry is with me like an infection. I’m trying to use the sun and sand to cure it, but it hasn’t worked so far. I figure there’s a few possibilities:
1) He’s decided to break it off with me and so he’s being silent. When I call him on my way home tomorrow, IF he answers the phone, he’s going to tell me it’s over. Perhaps he’s getting back with his ex-wife, or he’s just decided I’m not the one for him right now. Either way, we are done and he didn’t want to tell me on my vacation.
2) He hasn’t received my texts (possible) and missed my email (unlikely) and has figured by not proactively texting or emailing he’s leaving me in peace to enjoy my vacation with Liam and my friends. He knows I only have wifi access on an intermittent basis. If, when I talk to him upon my return, I express any upset at his not contacting me, he will be surprised.
3) A slight alternate to #2 is he’s received my communications and has tried to respond by text to not avail, and figures this is not a big deal as he’s leaving me in peace and of course I know he wants to see me and that he cares for me. If, when I see him upon my return, I tell him his lack of communication concerned me, he will be befuddled.
Of course, I’ve become convinced it’s #1 that’s going to happen tomorrow.
Even if it’s not, I don’t like being in a vulnerable place where I doubt how someone feels about me. Where things seem tenuous. Where there is that dreadful pit-of-the-stomach feeling that something bad is going to happen.
How can I be with someone who doesn’t realize that a kind email or text message every couple of days is something I need, especially when it’s the week after I lost my job, and given I recently expressed concern about how he was feeling about me? If it was me, I would try to make sure I reinforced how I felt. I would think of the other person and what they wanted and needed.
Unless, of course, I knew they weren’t the right person for me, and I wasn’t willing to make any compromises for them. I’ve been in that place. I wonder if Tony is in that place right now.
I just read a quote attributed to Buddha: “In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”
I am fighting an internal battle and I have no idea how to resolve it. On the one hand, I tell myself to let Tony go. That he’s not in the right head space for a relationship and can’t give me what I need. That despite having a good time together and being potentially compatible, he’s unlikely to ever be there for me the way I need him to be. And it’s better to just end it now and avoid even more hurt. This opinion is about not settling and making sure I’m taking care of my needs. I also feel this way when some creeping doubts come in about his personality and our compatibility.
On the other hand, I tell myself I need to just enjoy the time we are spending together and stop worrying about what might happen in the future. That it’s perfectly fine for Tony to not be in the same place as me, and he may get there. I tell myself he obviously cares about me, as demonstrated through the time we spend together and how affectionate he is with me. This opinion is about recognizing that the things I think are must-haves may not be. That people show love in different ways and as a relationship grows, a partner that cares for me will adapt to what I need, as much as I will with them.