An interim update on my situation.

[Yesterday’s post, for context]

Just before noon yesterday, I reached my breaking point. I sent a text:

Hi Tony. Have you made it back home?

No response. Three hours later, I called him. No response. I didn’t bother leaving a message; I know he just looks at missed calls.

I would have bet a lot of money that he wasn’t just going silent in some attempt to break up with me. Trying to come up with an explanation, I posited perhaps he misspoke when he told me his return date. Perhaps he was getting home Tuesday instead of Monday.

I had an extraordinarily good meeting with one of my mentors, and then an extraordinarily shitty meeting with a former boss. The good with the bad.

Happy to escape, I met a close friend for a couple events after work – the first where I had a nice chat with the owner of a very popular jeans company, and the second was the book signing where we ran into another close friend and other literary luminaries.

Over shared plates of meatballs, fois gras, kale caesar salad, and butternut squash gratin, she shared her wonderful dating situation, and I lamented the lack of communication from Tony.

Then shortly after 9pm, my phone rang. I didn’t hear it but saw I missed a call and a voicemail. It was him. I wasn’t about to call back. She and I debated the appropriate response. I texted:

Hi! Glad you’re back. Just out for dinner – want to connect later?

To which he immediately replied:

Of course, call me when your home. Only one question – where did you go for dinner?

She and I discussed my response. I told him where we were and that she said he should join us. He said:

Lol I knew you would say that and I would love to see you. Not presentable to be in public or meet her. Probably not worth seeing me tonight – I will be out quickly. Can we settle on tomorrow for dinner?

I said yes, and that I would call him later. In the taxi on my way home, we had a 15 minute phone conversation. HeΒ did get home on Monday, which meant he waited 24 hours to contact me. I let it go, for the moment. He said he got home to over 500 emails and a shit show with a job he needed to wrap up. There was conflict with his brother on the trip. It sounded like it didn’t go as planned.

And you don’t need to say it – that’s no excuse for him not contacting me.

We’ve had another call today and I said lightheartedly that I was surprised it took him 24 hours to contact me, and also told him he was in the doghouse.

I’m thinking about how to tell him what I need to say. It will include that I was disappointed and hurt he didn’t respond to my email in Cuba, find a way to see me one of the two nights before he left, contact me during his vacation, and that it took him 24 hours to even let me know he was home. I will also tell him that I need him to be there for me, to have me be a consideration, and I don’t think he’s capable of those things right now.

Who knows how it will go. My suspicion is he will be passive and simplyΒ let me go. I don’t think he will fight for me.

But I would dearly like to be wrong.

0 thoughts on “An interim update on my situation.

  1. I’m a pretty reasonable person when it comes to how/when people can/do contact me, but I call bullshit on someone who says brother drama and work emails kept them from sending a quick text to say “hey, I’m back, not dead, trip crazy, work crazy, but wanted you to know I missed you and look forward to catching up soon.” Not that I have to tell you that.
    It sucks, but he’s not able to be who you need. I’m sorry for you that it didn’t work out. πŸ™

  2. I hope that you are wrong about how it will go. Honestly, the pattern is well established. Is good communication something that he avoids with his work? Would he treat a potential client with the same utter silence? He should treat you better than anyone in his contact list. I won’t say what you don’t want me to say, but I will leave some blank space in protest…
    !
    You don’t need me telling you (label) what to do in this situation. You (label) are arriving at a conclusion on your own. Just remember that he is communicating with you (label) NOW that he has the time rather than MAKING time.

    Sorry about the (label)…but perhaps his avoidance was really due to his failure to recognize you?

    • What do you think I don’t want you to say?

      And yes, it’s a good point – in fact, it’s THE point – he didn’t make time, he just now has time. When it’s convenient, or even just mildly inconvenient, he’s around. Any real effort or emotion required? Nope.

      • You are not to be treated as a convenience and he has to know this.

        Perhaps he can get away with this with women who may be seeking something more causal, but the behavior is still BS.

          • Yep, I like it too. Just used it in a completely different setting, but with client leaving me waiting for them twice in two days. I’m not a convenience! They could at least have let me now they couldn’t make it! So I can only imagine how it should be with your BOYFRIEND!

          • I have questions surrounding his previous relationship, wondering if he carried on in this fashion and, in doing so (among other things), facilitated the end.

          • I would suggest that anyone who was in a relationship from age 22-38, if in that relationship you didn’t work at maintaining good communication, intimacy, reminders of love, etc., then at least you would be out of practice.

            And potentially never learned what things to do in the first place. We take our spouses for granted sometimes. Assume they know how we feel. And coming back into dating, you realise that you need to act differently.

            Yes, it should be obvious. But I’m not sure it is to everyone. Or perhaps not everyone is open to making the effort.

          • New or existing, it hardly matters. Would I travel on business away from my family and not have contact? There’s no way around this for him. There is no benefit of doubt.

          • Glad that I’m showing in your notifications. I am getting notified of comments again too.
            Not glad that he doesn’t feel like your BF.
            I like what you said to Will though: I don’t think they know how to show people they care. I know that my ex didn’t. I tried to show him in the beginning, but I gave up. I get the “I don’t like people to tell me when I should show appreciation to my wife/mother/grandmother and so on, this is just commercial crap”. But if you don’t show it on other days, then the least you can do is use these days as reminders. Because really, otherwise, how are people supposed to know you love them?

          • I completely agree, and think the love languages comes into play here. With Tony, the primary way he shows me are quality time and affection…but I can’t not have any words of affirmation, which is what it’s felt like. Not NO words, but definitely not as much as I need. That’s really what’s happened here… and a belief that his actions demonstrate where his priorities are.

          • Well… quality time when he has the time might not be enough for you.
            I agree with you that you shouldn’t blame him for anything, he is at the stage he is at in his life. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like this is the place you need a Boyfriend to be.
            Hugs again.

  3. My reaction (as a total outsider) is he is full of shit. It’s not hard to send a text or pick up a ringing phone when it is someone you give a damn about. Even a quick “how are you?” while sitting at a red light takes about five seconds.

    You are clearly not one of his priorities. Tread carefully.

  4. I hate to say, but you might come off as too needy to him. I hope not. I’m not saying you don’t deserve to be treated better because yes you do. But if you don’t get the consideration you expect from him now or ever, then you might want to just let this lover go.

    • Hi Joyce – thanks for your comment!!

      I’ve actually been very chill with him on the neediness scale, and the sad truth is, hoping for 1 text message in 14 days is hardly needy.

      I do agree that my needs are too much for him, though. I don’t think he’s in any place where he can do anything for me when it’s not convenient for him.

      And yes, I can’t imagine he’s going to step up. Which makes me sad.

    • Joyce stated what I was thinking, about potentially coming off too needy.

      One of the reasons why I was (and still am) attracted to my wife is her independence. I text her in the morning, to tell her that I love her and then pretty much we don’t communicate until the end of the work day (unless something comes up). It’s not that we don’t care it is just we are respecting each others time away and having other responsibilities. However this is a dynamic that works for us specifically.

      Now to your situation specifically, perhaps this is a conversation that needs to happen between you and Tony. If you require a certain level of communication, then Tony needs to be aware of this. Then both of you can determine if you are a good match and can fulfill each other needs.

      Just be very open and honest about your expectations. If Tony is good with it, then all good. If he has issues with your expectations, then onward – there are plenty other fish in the sea.

      As always, take care!

      • It’s an interesting perspective, Vic. Thank you.

        I would say I’m highly independent. I don’t want someone around all the time. I need my space and my time to be alone and with friends. I don’t want a partner who needs constant contact (I mean, throughout the day non-stop stuff). I don’t want someone to “take care of me” on a regular basis.

        I often wouldn’t talk to my ex throughout the day, and I was fine with that. With the men I’ve dated, I appreciate a quick text exchange in the morning (good morning handsome, have a great day, kinda thing) but then I’ve got to get going! I can’t have someone constantly wanting my attention. And I like to not be attached to my phone at night when I’m spending time with friends or just need time on my own.

        My issue with Tony at this point is that I think I’ve WAY lowered my expectations. I would think that anyone who cares about me, if I send them an email saying I’m having a rough time, after losing my job…that they will send me a note back. Doesn’t have to be long.

        I’ve had more blog contacts reach out and ask me how I’m doing, and yet I heard nothing from the man who I’ve had an exclusive relationship with for four months. Even after I reached out to him. Then the non-contact, not even ONCE, during his two week vacation (and I mean a simple text…I wasn’t expecting to hear from him daily) and then he waited 24 hours after his arrival to contact me.

        It’s less about the contact even, and more about what it means. That he couldn’t even bother to make time for me in the most minimal of ways. Perhaps 2 mins total, in three weeks. That is beyond my comprehension.

        So yes, I’m going to tell him those things but I’m not optimistic he will remove his head from his ass.

        • “It’s an interesting perspective Vic. Thank you.”

          Wow…if my wife said that I KNOW I am in the doghouse!! πŸ™ I am hoping I am not in the doghouse with you! πŸ™‚

          If you recognize that you may be lowering your expectations, then that is a very healthy sign for you and where you are at and can be at emotionally. You are a wonderful person and deserve the amount of respect and attention YOU require. Expect no less and if he cannot live up to those expectations, then obviously he is not the right man to be in your life.

          On a lighter note, I say that people like that suffer from C.R.I.S (cranial rectal inversion syndrome) – aka – head up their ass!

          • Nah, you’re hardly in the doghouse. I just think that sometimes, when someone is saying “I’m not getting what I need”, especially women, there is a tendency to say “oh they are needy”… and it’s definitely a hot spot for me because it’s how I tend to rationalize things away.

            In this case, I don’t think I’m being “needy” at all. I’ve pretty much reduced my needs to the bare minimum of what I would expect from anyone who cares for me.

            And I love that acronym!!

  5. It sounds like the two of you are simply on different playing levels. You want the boyfriend and him. He wants the casualness of a relationship — but he also wants you. I think a dual compromise or final cut needs to be made. He understands your need for communication, and you understand he doesn’t communicate all the time as you need. You both meet in the middle, you by dialing it down, and he by notching it up. I wouldn’t go backwards and accept things for how they are. And always remember never make a demand without being able to accept the consequences.

    • I’m not sure I can dial it down more than expecting a brief email once when I’m away for a week, and one or two text messages when he’s away for two weeks. To me, that’s pretty minimal.

      I’m not going to accept things as they are. I can’t. This isn’t so much about whether he needed to go totally silent for two weeks…but it highlights for me how, as you say, we are in completely different places in our willingness to be there for another person, even if it’s inconvenient to us.

      I can also relate to where he’s at, because I’ve been there.

  6. GAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! I can just imagine how you feel, since this is frustrating the hell out of me! Personally I would use sarcasm, subtle or strong, as I am not really one for confrontations…

    • Well, I told him, in a informal way on the phone today, that he was in the doghouse already. I thought it was kind to give him a warning. I do think humor is a good way to approach things sometimes, but I will also be clear that I’m hurt and disappointed and don’t believe he’s going to be able to meet my needs.

  7. Let him have it…I know you really like him, but regardless of the situation with his brother he could have squeezed a couple of minutes out of each day. You were willing to communicate on your vacay despite all of your worries.

  8. I don’t quite get what you want here. I do understand the ego thing of wanting him to ‘fight for you’, but so what if he says a bunch of pretty words? Haven’t you already clearly articulated what you want and need (a number of times in different ways)? Or did I imagine that? Hasn’t he already shown you what this relationship looks and feels like?

    So yeah, I don’t really understand why you are giving a guy who clearly can’t deliver what you want chance after chance and excuse after excuse and reason after reason to treat you in a way that doesn’t make you happy.

    If someone shows you with their actions how they are going to treat you, believe them the first time. The rest is just bullshit.

    Ferns

      • Have I commented on similar before (deja vu)?

        In my experience, if I have to TELL someone how to make me feel desired/wanted/loved, we have a basic incompatibility problem.

        They will try (lord, will they try), but if it’s not ‘who they are’ in a relationship, it will eventually become a tedious chore for them, and of course on the other side it FEELS like they are doing a tedious chore (vs expressing their heartfelt desire).

        It’s tempting to demonise someone for not being what you want (did I call him an arsehole earlier? Why yes, yes I did :P), but mostly it’s just that they aren’t a good fit.

        It’s always so EASY from the outside isn’t it? I don’t envy you this, I know you really want it to work out *hugs*.

        Ferns

  9. I am feeling so incredibly irked by Tony’s behavior and it’s not my relationship!!

    I am so hoping you tell him where he can shove his excuses, but I know if it were me in the situation I would really struggle to do so because I struggle to stand up for myself.

    If Tony felt the same way about you that you feel for him, he would be able to look beyond himself and think of another person. He should have contacted at least once while away. He should have thought to text you he was back before you felt the need to contact him. He is not ready for the relationship that you need and deserve. He doesn’t deserve you.

    • I agree that I’m not sure if he’s ready – that’s been the crux of my challenge. I know that he likes me and am pretty sure he likes me the same way I like him…we are just in different places. I suppose the decision I have to make is a) whether he’s able to get where I need him to be, and b) how long will I wait?

      • I think those are questions worth posing to him directly. To acknowledge to him that you know he is not in the same place, and how could he be with how recent his separation was.
        Honestly I don’t think he is ever going to be the person you want him to be, and that has no bearing on you. He just sounds so innately selfish in how he treats others and I think it will be a relationship of you constantly having to have these talks about what you need from him and the relationship. You shouldn’t have to train someone to acknowledge your existence while they are away on a trip and when they return. You should be an automatic thought and the wish to be in contact with you should be there. But it wasn’t. I think the man you want and need is still out there somewhere, so don’t waste to much time on trying to have Tony fill that role.

    • Quite true, Marian. I find myself wondering whether this is behaviour consistent with just who he is, or is it partly about the situation he’s in. For me, in some prior relationships I was definitely in a different place than I was in my marriage or even am now, and my behaviour reflected that. I didn’t give all that I could give, because I was very self-focussed.

      But I also don’t want to project my own situation on him. Nor do I want to constantly rationalize bad behaviour. It’s a bit of a quandary.

  10. Been there, done that. I’m telling you, this guy thinks of no one but himself. Actions speak louder than words and his actions clearly show you are not a priority. Say goodbye to Tony. If he doesn’t think highly enough of you at the beginning of this friendship, he certainly won’t at the end. It takes but seconds to send a text–total BS excuse from him. I hope you see that πŸ™

  11. Well, I read this post yesterday while sitting in my car waiting for my daughter to finish cheer practice and wrote a lengthy comment, which didn’t post! Among many other things, I pointed out something I’ve heard you say several times, almost since you introduced us to Tony. You keep saying you “understand” and that you’ve “been where he is.” I think it’s great that you do, but many times I wanted to ask if you were making excuses for him not delivering. Since you stated above that you had lowered your expectations, I think it’s fair to say that even having done that you’re STILL not getting what YOU need. And nobody should have to lower their expectations in order to get what they need in a relationship, especially if the other partner isn’t stepping up. ANYway, I know you know what you want and what you need and that you already know all this. I’m sorry for your disappointment. And this, too, shall pass. Doesn’t make you feel any better I’m sure, but there IS a person out there who will meet you all the way. I know I’m anxious to see you (well, read about) move on to happier and sexier adventures. πŸ˜‰

What do you think?