An email from my Mother

I received the email below last night.

Yesterday was hard. An important meeting with a senior executive at my company, which contained some good news but also some information that was very hard to hear. I managed to have a phone conversation with Tony, and we are seeing each other on Thursday. It was nice to talk but I realised I feel so disconnected from him right now – I’ve seen him once in four weeks.

But, back to my Mom’s email:

Ann, I’m concerned about you.  You seemed so sad last weekend and truly you have some big items to be sad about and to deal with.  There seems to be so much stress for you these days – from dealing with and making decisions about Tony, the job uncertainty, the new routine with Liam, to dealing with Will and the dating scene.  I am encouraging you to take advantage of the counseling services that must be available through your company. Please consider getting some counseling – it can’t hurt and IT MIGHT HELP.  I suspect you still have issues related to your father and it would be good to sort these before embarking on another relationship.  The empty and abandoned spaces inside you can only be filled temporarily with sex.  I hope you can find true peace and contentment.  You are not alone in your journey – there are those who love you and care about you and will be there for you.  

Love, Mom

0 thoughts on “An email from my Mother

  1. It can be really hard to get an email like that from your mother. I can tell se loves you very much. I promise you, nobody will ever have your back the way your mother does.
    This time will pass Ann, this stress is temporary.

    • She’s been amazing through this whole journey, and you are absolutely right. I know she has strong opinions on how the relationship with my father (emotionally absent when I was little) has impacted me and the relationships I choose…and I know that’s where her counselling opinion comes from. I don’t disagree, so I should probably look into that.

  2. Moms. They are so awesome with their unconditional love. What do you think? Is she right about the potential need to seek out help?

    I start therapy today. yet as of Saturday – I’ve been in a happy state. I’m also trying to avoid sex as an instant gratification. I’ll let you know how that goes!

    • Look forward to hearing about the sex and therapy (not sex AS therapy lol…)

      I have no doubt that my relationship with my father has impacted my choices. He was emotionally distant when I was little. He moved away for 18 months after my parents split (sound familiar!?). He pushed me to me excellent (good) but I never felt I was good enough (bad).

      No doubt, understanding how that impacts me would be helpful…

  3. OK, first I am liking this because I agree with Caroline. Your mom is coming from a place of love. Obviously your girls weekend with her best friend and daughter lead to a conversation between your mom and her bestie after your conversation with her bestie. Wow, that was just a convoluted way of trying to say that people who love you are concerned.

    Compound it with hearing hard truths as you sort out your job situation. That is never pleasant and can really cast doubts about yourself. Let’s face it — you are going through perhaps one of the toughest patches an adult can go through. But you are strong, smart and most importantly, a survivor. Please take some time to think and decide what YOU want in your life. I made a Vision Board at the beginning of the year – it was a day spent with girlfriends drinking champagne while putting words and pictures on a poster. Every day I look at it and it reminds me of what I want. Just a suggestion. Stay strong.

    • Thanks so much, Maggie. I like the idea of the vision board. I’ve been thinking (and writing) a lot about what I want, but haven’t done it graphically. I do believe (and it’s proven) that if I set out my vision and goals, I’m more likely to achieve them.

      Intellectually I know I will be fine. My job stuff will sort itself out, I will move on from Tony if needed, my ex and I always manage to find a good balance… but right now it feels like every conversation I have about how I’m doing, the tears and just simmering beneath the surface. I suppose it’s normal, but I don’t like feeling weak.

  4. I wish I could ever receive such an email from my mom. Not because it would mean I am in a bad place (I’ve been there and know I’ll still be). But because it means that she can see me and my struggles and has constructive ideas on how to help. As is, my mom has trouble dealing with her own issues and is not available to support me much. Or at least, I’ve been so used to being the one comforting her, I don’t dare lay my troubles on her. She is often judgmental and probably wouldn’t understand the journey I am on. She has never been very supportive of my seeking therapy, even in my darkest hours, and has no idea I had suicidal thoughts last year. She never calls me and I rarely call her, I think both of us don’t want to burden the other one with our problems.
    So yes, it may have been tough to read, but your mom loves you. And shows you and supports you.
    I’m sorry about the work meeting. I had trouble yesterday on the job too. I may have lost a client. And I’m still in limbo as to what I want to do career-wise. I can totally relate.

    Much love.
    Big hugs (I need them too today…)
    XO

    • Oh Dawn, I’m so sorry to hear about the relationship with your mother. It’s so difficult. I stood by Will when he had such horrible relations with his own Mom, and was constantly surprised at how a Mother could be so horrible to her offspring.

      We seem to be having very similar experiences these days. Here’s to better days ahead – and big hugs right back at you.
      xoxo

      • You know, it’s hard, but it’s even harder knowing that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t help her.
        And the hardest probably was to realise it wasn’t my place to help her.
        Now… I try to be patient when she tries to control me or push me to do things that don’t concern her. It’s a habit she got out of 30 years of being married to an abusive person who would always get angry if we weren’t ready on time, so to try and help with that, she pushed us to get ready, she’s the one who got angry, because the anger was not as bad for us.
        Now it’s hard for her to let go of it.
        At leat that’s my take on it. And I now manage to see it and let her know, gently. But I still have trouble calling her.
        One day I have hope things will get better and I will be able to stand up to even *her* bullying 🙂
        Though I don’t expect much support from her.

        Yes, very similar experiences. And unfortunately not the most fun ones :-/
        Some more hugs 🙂

  5. It always surprises me how easily moms can see right into us huh? I know one other person who could see through me so easily, he knew when I was bothered or stressed sometimes before I did..

    Keep breathing Ann. Go for some counseling if you want, like your mom said it might help. Growing is always painful I guess, you’d think we’d get used to it… Hang in there, keep breathing, open that big bag of patience I keep sending you and let things evolve. I’ve always got hugs, you know, if you ever need some…..

    • She can take one look at me and know if I’m sick, tired, just been laid, etc… I guess it’s how some mom’s are.

      Thanks for that big bag of patience. I need it. I’m impatient with myself yet as you said, I’m growing… it’s painful… but I’m getting there.

      xoxo

      • I’m so happy your mom reached out to you in a supportive way. They do see right through us. My mom has been incredible the last couple of years and I have to wonder… was she always this intuitive and supportive? was it really that I was just threatened and defensive while I was coming into my own? I’m only just beginning to see how profoundly she loves me and deeply she wants only the best for me. I see it because I’m older, and because I can’t imagine wanting anything else for my own kids even though they might not see it just yet. :’-)

        • I think it’s hard sometimes for us to realize we don’t have all the answers – or we think our parents experience can’t possibly apply to ours. I’ve learned more since my split about my Mom’s experience – stuff she didn’t share with me before – and I realize that her advice comes from a place of direct knowledge and wisdom.

          I also think that parents can be some of the only people that only have our best interests at heart (I know there are exceptions)… but my Mom doesn’t give me advice about what’s best for her. Or what ‘should’ be done. It’s all about me. So that’s invaluable 🙂

  6. I’ve had my darkest times and sought a professional ear, Ann. Sometimes they just listen, and sometimes they talk a bunch. They know when you need both. It can’t hurt, right? It helped me.

    • Thanks Mark. Definitely can’t hurt. I remember going to one after my parents split, and again when my highschool sweetheart broke up with me. It was helpful sometimes even just to realize that I would be just fine.

      • To me, it was also good to hear “others go through exactly the same thing and here’s examples of how and what … ” To not feel alone in the process was a great first step.

        By the way, to give you more context, in January 2013 I was laid off by an organization for which I’d worked for just shy of 30 years. They laid off 100 of us out of 500, in the newspaper/media industry.

        Life has gone on, slowly and painstakingly and very differently. Use your contacts now! I had three months notice beforehand and wish I had done even more out-of-the-box networking while still in the organization. My email is markbialczak@gmail.com if you ever feel the need to go off grid about it.

        Hang in there, OK?

  7. I will admit that I envy your relationship with your mom, not only because you always write about her from a place of love but because she sounds like an amazing person. Not perfect and not without the usual tensions you would expect between an adult child and their mother, but because she is so real. I love my mom, I don’t like her all of the time and as much as we’ve tried, we just won’t have the relationship I want as that’s not the relationship she wants. It’s too hard facing the past sometimes. I write this only to say that as someone that believes in personal care and therapy; I hope you take her words to heart. While you have a wonderful support system with your mom and those close friends you write about, there’s something to be said for that “just Ann” time to talk and contemplate and bounce thoughts off of. {{hugs}}

  8. That must have been a difficult email for her to write. She sounds like an awesome mom, and so do you 🙂 You’ve got so much on your plate now, I hope you can find ways to eliminate some of the stressors. I’m sitting here trying to do the same and my mind is a complete jumble. I don’t have half the stressful things you do right now so I can only imagine the awfulness plaguing your mind and body.

    • Thank you Hollie. I’m working on it. The dinner with Tony tomorrow is weighing heavy…not sure what to say and not looking forward to what I’m sure will be the outcome.

      I’m sorry you are in a similar situation. It sucks when there are multiple things to deal with. It’s hard enough when it’s one thing…

      And yeah, I’m trying to rise above all my shit but I am completely under water emotionally right now.

      • I’m contemplating a move which will mean ruffling the feathers of my ex custody wise, but it will actually be closer to him so he can suck it. I need better opportunities, I’m wasting my education and abilities in this job. I feel stuck here and miserable, but I’ve resisted causing any strife for so long that it makes me anxious to have to deal with it. On the bright side, if I move to Wichita it will be a much more fun place for you to visit me in. More people than cows there!!

        • If you feel like you are worth more than your current job and are unhappy in your environment… then by all means, look somewhere else, and don’t worry about the ex. If you’re anything like me, he’s rules your decision making towards your life for long enough!
          If he hasn’t been like that (which seems unlikely since you say he’s going to get angry at the possibility of your move), then he won’t mind either 🙂
          Ok, sorry, I shouldn’t intrude like this, after all, I don’t actually know your circumstances, only what I read in comments here and there… :-/

          • He’s a douche but since is actually be moving a full hour closer to him (he’s the one that moved away first years ago) and our son will have better opportunities then he can just stick it. He will come around, I’m sure, I just get anxious at the prospect of change.

          • I know about douches and about them not always wanting what is best for us.
            I also know about being anxious at the prospect of change. I can totally relate with that. Yet, having done the changing so many times throughout my adult life, I know that eventually, everything works out. It sometimes just takes longer than we hope for it to get there.
            From what you write here, it does sound like you deserve better than what you are getting. If you were loving your job, you may be able to better accept the fact that there are more cows than single men where you are.
            If your job sucks as well… sounds like the decision is made for you 🙂
            It always takes a while to get used to a new life in new surroundings. My experience is that it takes about a year. So don’t worry too much about downs during that time, things will eventually perk up 🙂
            For some interesting insight on that, I can only recommend some books that helped me. The author is Robin Pascoe. Granted, she talked mainly about expatriation, but I think a lot applies to moving cities, because you still have to get used to new communities, new schools, doctors, you name it…
            Good luck!

        • Well then decision made – if it’s more fun for you and me then you should definitely do it 🙂

          But kidding aside, I can relate. I’m so used to keeping the peace that when I do want to ruffle feathers it’s anxiety producing. I’m sorry you aren’t satisfied in your job…it’s a terrible feeling :/

  9. Wow. Your mother is amazing and she sees you! How blessed you are to have that in a parent who clearly cares so deeply about you. I know sadness all too well, and overwhelm and anxiety…I hope you get some relief soon.

  10. Your mum rocks.

    Do as she says.

    Seek help. Even if it’s just to sob at them. I did that for 4 weeks before we even talked about the juicy stuff.

    Hugs and love to you. Be kind to yourself. Xox

  11. Hi Ann – you have a relationship with your Mom that many could be envious of – treasure her and LISTEN to her!! After all, Mother’s always know best! Hope you find yourself in a happier place soon xxx ((hugs))

  12. As a mother yourself, I’m sure you know where your mom is coming from. If it were possible, I think most every mom would want to magically take away any stress, pain, or sadness that their child has to deal with. Moms are also wise – because they’ve lived a whole generation more than you – and even if that life was totally different, they still learned lessons and gained wisdom that is applicable in any situation. My thoughts on therapy are like your mother’s – what can it hurt? The worst that could happen is that you have an impartial professional who can listen without judgment – and everyone can use a listening ear. And it could turn out to be something useful and worthwhile – something that gives you some valuable insight and helps you to be happier in your life and relationships.

  13. Dear lord this email from your mom just choked me up….I always listen close to what my mother says…perhaps it can’t hurt, as she suggests? Gosh, I should take it too. God knows I have daddy issues.

    • Oh Jami, I’m sorry. Sometimes I’m surprised at what resonates with me. I’m sure my relationship with my father affects me and my choices, and I’m pretty sure I know how it affect me… but getting out of destructive habits is something I know I can still work on.

What do you think?