Tony came to my party, which was a great success. He missed meeting a few close friends who had to leave early, but that certainly wasn’t a big deal.
Despite working non-stop for the last three days and being exhausted, he still came. He mingled, and he fell asleep cold with nary a kiss goodnight. I had told him there would be no pressure for anything last night – I was just pleased he wanted to come.
I will write more about what happened this morning, as I am still processing it.
We woke up. We had short but sweet sex. And then, I asked him what I’ve been wanting to ask for a while.
I asked him whether he’d made a decision about getting back together with his ex-wife.
He looked at me blankly and said there wasn’t much of a decision to be made. That there are many things for him to figure out and he believes it takes a while to sort it all out. That it’s not like work where you make a list of all the options and make a plan.
I told him that’s exactly what I did when deciding whether to split from Will. I made a list. We laughed about that, since my innate organizational skills were a topic of discussion at the party, courtesy of a friend who has known me since we were six.
I told him I was falling in love with him and didn’t want to get hurt. I cried when I said it, despite trying very hard to not do so. I explained I know life happens and there are no guarantees, but it seemed stupid to continue down a path with someone who didn’t know yet what he was doing about his ex. Especially to be with someone who didn’t even think of me as his girlfriend, even though I presumed part of the reason he was reluctant to think of me that way was because of what was unresolved in his life.
He said he thought of me as his girlfriend. But that he’s a very private person and it’s not like he’s going around telling people about me, but he thinks of me that way. I reminded him of the conversation we had before where I asked him if I was and he said no, but said I was happy to hear he did think of me as such.
He said he was freaked out by any mention of love. Of course I immediately felt like an idiot for saying something that I didn’t have to say – I could have said I felt strongly, etc. – and in response to my expressing regret at saying it out loud, he said of course you should tell me how you are feeling. He appreciated I am always honest with him.
I told him I would give him space if he needed. When he said “I don’t even know what looks like” I calmly explained it would mean we stop seeing each other. He would have time to sort himself out. And when he realized I was more f*cking awesome than anyone else, he would come back to me. If he didn’t, it would mean we weren’t meant to me anyway.
He doesn’t want space. I asked him point blank.
I made sure I told him I didn’t want things to be different between us, that I liked what we were doing and having time to myself was important to me too. But I needed to tell him how I felt.
So, I’m sitting in my kitchen listening to the dishwasher and freaking the f*ck out. I regret telling him I was falling in love with him. There is a part of me that thinks I should just enjoy what we have and let it run its course. Whatever happens, will happen. The other part is yelling at me to just walk away. That someone who sees life this way and can’t make a decision about what he wants (I asked; he can’t articulate it) or take concrete steps to make it happen may not be the right person for me anyway.
We left things on a good note, after sharing coffee and macarons. He asked if perhaps we could see each other on Sunday. I told him I wasn’t traveling now after I get back from my vacation so I can possibly see him before he leaves on his.
I also just realized I don’t think I’ve ever told someone I was falling in love with them (or in love with them) without them reciprocating.
I’m just not sure how I feel about all this right now. But if I don’t return the rental wine glasses, I will be charged. Time to ponder.