Two and-a-half answers, with my cards on the table.

Tony came to my party, which was a great success. He missed meeting a few close friends who had to leave early, but that certainly wasn’t a big deal.

Despite working non-stop for the last three days and being exhausted, he still came. He mingled, and he fell asleep cold with nary a kiss goodnight. I had told him there would be no pressure for anything last night – I was just pleased he wanted to come.

I will write more about what happened this morning, as I am still processing it.

We woke up. We had short but sweet sex. And then, I asked him what I’ve been wanting to ask for a while.

I asked him whether he’d made a decision about getting back together with his ex-wife.

He looked at me blankly and said there wasn’t much of a decision to be made. That there are many things for him to figure out and he believes it takes a while to sort it all out. That it’s not like work where you make a list of all the options and make a plan.

I told him that’s exactly what I did when deciding whether to split from Will. I made a list. We laughed about that, since my innate organizational skills were a topic of discussion at the party, courtesy of a friend who has known me since we were six.

I told him I was falling in love with him and didn’t want to get hurt. I cried when I said it, despite trying very hard to not do so. I explained I know life happens and there are no guarantees, but it seemed stupid to continue down a path with someone who didn’t know yet what he was doing about his ex. Especially to be with someone who didn’t even think of me as his girlfriend, even though I presumed part of the reason he was reluctant to think of me that way was because of what was unresolved in his life.

He said he thought of me as his girlfriend. But that he’s a very private person and it’s not like he’s going around telling people about me, but he thinks of me that way. I reminded him of the conversation we had before where I asked him if I was and he said no, but said I was happy to hear he did think of me as such.

He said he was freaked out by any mention of love. Of course I immediately felt like an idiot for saying something that I didn’t have to say – I could have said I felt strongly, etc. – and in response to my expressing regret at saying it out loud, he said of course you should tell me how you are feeling. He appreciated I am always honest with him.

I told him I would give him space if he needed. When he said “I don’t even know what looks like” I calmly explained it would mean we stop seeing each other. He would have time to sort himself out. And when he realized I was more f*cking awesome than anyone else, he would come back to me. If he didn’t, it would mean we weren’t meant to me anyway.

He doesn’t want space. I asked him point blank.

I made sure I told him I didn’t want things to be different between us, that I liked what we were doing and having time to myself was important to me too. But I needed to tell him how I felt.

So, I’m sitting in my kitchen listening to the dishwasher and freaking the f*ck out. I regret telling him I was falling in love with him. There is a part of me that thinks I should just enjoy what we have and let it run its course. Whatever happens, will happen. The other part is yelling at me to just walk away. That someone who sees life this way and can’t make a decision about what he wants (I asked; he can’t articulate it) or take concrete steps to make it happen may not be the right person for me anyway.

I’m confused.

We left things on a good note, after sharing coffee and macarons. He asked if perhaps we could see each other on Sunday. I told him I wasn’t traveling now after I get back from my vacation so I can possibly see him before he leaves on his.

I also just realized I don’t think I’ve ever told someone I was falling in love with them (or in love with them) without them reciprocating.

I’m just not sure how I feel about all this right now. But if I don’t return the rental wine glasses, I will be charged. Time to ponder.

0 thoughts on “Two and-a-half answers, with my cards on the table.

  1. You’re not an idiot for saying what was true about you. Taking risks and being bold is never easy. Tony is a unique man with a unique set of circumstances and, from my vantage point and limited insight, is someone who is slow to think, process and commit the results to verbal communication.

          • Ann. Go easy on yourself, my dear. You took a step and it is ok. It wasn’t the wrong step. Just let it set. Do something for yourself today if you can. Try to let your mind go somewhere else for a while.

          • It wasn’t the wrong step. It is just the step you felt in your heart of hearts you needed to take. Because you didn’t think when you said it. But if he cannot take it now, after so much time together, if he cannot understand that you need to protect yourself as long as you don’t have assurances, then you weren’t meant to be.
            What may be happening is that he doesn’t know what love feels like. Or doesn’t want to know. Or is too messed up from what he’s lived through to be able to articulate it. Truthfully, I am not sure what love feels like. Romantic love. I’m not sure I ever experienced it. I think I did, but was it love or infatuation? One thing I know for sure is that I didn’t really love my ex, nor anyone before him. So I don’t know that I could answer that question. I mean, if someone were to tell me they loved me, I’m not sure I could reciprocate. Now, being who I am, a very sensitive woman, I probably would, because I would probably have been with someone long enough for them to say it to me, and if I’m around someone long enough, it’s that I really enjoy being in their presence, most probably have love for them in my heart (I have a big heart full of love for a lot of people) . But I would still be wondering whether it is the kind of love that they are referring to, the romantic love they are expecting. So even if I said I love you, I wouldn’t be lying, but what kind of love would that be? The love I have for my friends or a deeper one, that is reserved for lovers? I don’t know. And I write on a regular basis, I’ve been in therapy 15 years and am used to articulating my thoughts. My guess is that it’s not quite like that for Tony, so don’t freak out if he doesn’t reciprocate!
            At least you know, from him showing up for your party and from what he admitted to that he does consider you as his girlfriend. That is a big thing already, in his book, I’m sure.

            I don’t know why my reader didn’t show me your post. Or I was just too busy with my own life. Anyways: enjoy your vacation. And see what distance does to both of you. It can be eye-opening πŸ˜‰
            XO

  2. I am new to your blog. I did read the back story with Tony and I am going to be honest. If you professed your love and he did not say the words in return, he is actually saying a lot.

    • Hi Annabelle and welcome πŸ™‚
      I know he cares very deeply for me – he is a man of action and affection, not words. I think what it says is he’s not in a place where he can even contemplate feeling love for another person yet. I knew this to be the case and had he repeated back to me what I said to him, I would know he was lying or just telling me what e thinks I want to hear.

      • If he is in a place where he cannot contemplate loving another person, why do you want this? You are falling in love with someone who cannot love you in return at this time. I understand that falling in love may feel as though it is not within your control, but being with him is. If it were me (I know, easy to say), I would take a step back. But I have a tendency to lean toward protecting my heart.

        • You are quite right and that’s the decision I have to make – do I stay with him knowing he may never be fully emotionally available to me, let alone love me.

          And I want to protect my heart, but also continue to be fearless in all things. It’s not an easy balance.

      • Well I’m saying that “if” you do, you need to be prepared for their answer. I have noticed the past serious relationships I have been in they have told me they love me first. Many times I think it could be a little too soon, but if they feel comfortable saying it, I choose not to question it. At least not to them…

        • I know it’s been too soon the last two times the “love” word was first exchanged – which for the record was only two relationships since 1996.

          I didn’t tell Tony I was in love with him. I told him I was falling in love. I chose my words carefully but suspect the nuance didn’t matter to him.

          • I’m willing to bet that to a guy it all sounds the same. But not to worry, you were only being honest with him and your feelings. Life has taught me to keep some stuff closer to my chest. In the end I may still get hurt but somehow it does’t sting the same way.

          • I will let the guys weigh in on whether there’s a tangible difference.

            And I’ve been keeping lots close with this one, for a change. It’s been a real difference for me.

  3. I don’t think it is a mistake to express your true feelings. If someone can’t handle that…it is on him. He needs to know where you’re at. and reconcile that with where he is. He needs to know that you stand to get hurt here, so if he is ultimately going to get back with his wife, he needs to realize there is something at stake here. Even though it is scary, I think it may help him see that there is the possibility of love and a future and a family beyond his ex wife. I sucks to feel vulnerable, especially given the week you’ve had, but it also sucks to hold back and keep walls up. I think what you said needed to be said and I genuinely hope he starts to recognize where he could do better at meeting your needs.

  4. I couldn’t have said it any better than Hollie and Will. I think you did the right thing! You need to tell your truth – especially because it’s been weighing on you. I said it before – there are no accidents. Tony will take away from it what he will and there is not much more you can do with that. I am a fierce protector of my heart – I have never been the one to say love first (and I think this may be in some ways a fatal flaw). But anyway, I digress – speaking your truth keeps it from remaining trapped within and manifesting itself physically (trust me on this one). You made a healthy choice for YOU. That doesn’t make you weak – it makes you stronger. πŸ™‚

    • Tara, thank you so much for that. I’m trying to protect my heart and also be fearless in life. It’s not easy. I just needed to tell him how I was feeling, and while at this moment I fear I made a mistake, I suppose it’s a way to force the issue somewhat.

  5. *hugs* it’s always a scary time when you open up to someone, doubly scary when you tell someone you love them for the first time and they don’t respond back likewise, I hope things turn out the best for you *hugs*

  6. Count me among those who don’t think you made a mistake. Better to communicate how your feeling now, especially where he’s undecided about reconciling with his wife, than continue with him and get hurt worse at some time in the future.

    As I wrote that, I realized that it sounds like I’m presuming that your relationship with Tony is ending, or that you should end it now. I don’t know if that’s correct, but I will admit to being pessimistic about your future with him.

    But what do I know…

  7. I think you said what needed to be said Ann and better to get it out there now rather than let things drag on. From what you’ve written I fear a sad ending for you and Tony. I get it that guys (and women) don’t want to get too carried away early in a relationship only to get burned…..I got to play the role of Tony for a while in my own life and I got carried away so experience here.. That comment about not telling people about you. Big red flag! Why wouldn’t he talk about you?

    • It’s a good question and I should clarify – he hasn’t even told some of his colleagues that he’s split from his ex. So it’s not unique to me… he doesn’t talk about personal stuff at all. But yeah, I would be very worried if he hasn’t told his BFF’s or if he never includes me in any events etc…. I’m keeping watch over that one πŸ™‚

  8. I’m probably in the minority on this but my philosophy has always been a relationship or marraige should not take any work at all. I spent a lot of time trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and found it tiring a bit rediculous.

      • And I think my point is that we fail, or I failed, to see from jump street that we were two people who wanted very different things, and did not recognize the other person was never going to give whatever that “thing” or “things” are.

    • I should not have said “no work at all.” What I meant was that I have had a lot of relationships. Many of them consisted of two people who want different things. At first you think each will compromise, lower expectations, learn to accept that nothing is perfect. That in itself is a mistake. You then feel that the other person is not giving up, or compromising, as much as you. And resentment sets in. So now you have to “work” at overcoming the resentment, all the while resenting that the person isn’t changing. You have compromised. Your partner hasn’t. The work is ceaseless and compounding.
      I knew I was going to marry my wife when none of this existed. But I had to wait a long time.
      So, that’s the kind of work I’m talking about.

      • I’m in a really bad place to comment on this right now, because I’m stuck between trying to be less demanding and intense, but also knowing that I shouldn’t settle. So I’m finding it difficult to know what are things that truly don’t matter and I’m okay to just let them be, and those things that are actually really important to me. I’m experiencing it with Tony right now and it’s driving me a little batty πŸ™‚

  9. “He looked at me blankly and said there wasn’t much of a decision to be made. That there are many things for him to figure out and he believes it takes a while to sort it all out.”

    To me this says, “I’m just gonna let things go along as they are until there is some catalyst that forces me to make a decision”.

    Inertia is powerful: it’s the reason people remain in unsatisfactory situations for so long. Many of us need ‘something’ to push us off the track we are on, but until that ‘something’ happens, we will trundle along without changing anything while pretending to ourselves that doing that *isn’t* a decision.

    You aren’t a big enough catalyst for him to change things, and that’s not because he doesn’t like you enough: That’s not how it works. At the moment, his situation is ‘fine’ (of course he doesn’t want space, why would he? You’re awesome!). He needs ‘something else’ to push him into a decision (it might be his wife insisting on a (re)commitment, it might be something happening with his kid, it might be you refusing to see him, it might be some other personal revelation) but until then: inertia.

    There is NOTHING wrong with the above: I think it’s human nature and most of us do it. The only question is whether that’s okay for you. And for how long?

    Ferns

  10. Brilliant what Ferns said.

    As far as your sharing with him that you are falling for him. Nothing wrong with being open and honest and it’s better than kicking yourself later down the road that you didn’t.

    xo

  11. Whether it was “falling in love” or “feel strongly” it would have been the same thing. Hey hindsight is 20 20. But you had to say something. We all know you had to or else your head would have exploded

  12. I know you’re out on the skinny branches now, saying brave things, risking it all… and if you give him time to think who knows what’s going to happen. I wish I had mind blowing wisdom for you. Either you’ll tame the bronco or he’ll kick you off. Whether you can tolerate all of his bucking only you can say.

  13. You have every right to be loved openly and by someone not too crowded out with issues. You are a brave women with significant qualities and you deserve to be recognised as such. What a nice world it would be if we could just stand before the person we love as ourselves and without the politics or awkwardness. I really hope you get to that place, because you deserve to πŸ™‚

  14. You know, dear Ann, being the kind of guy I am, if I were trying to process everything Tony’s trying to process and you told me that you loved me, I’d probably freak out, too. Yep, you say how you feel because you’re not only being honest with him about it, you’re being honest with yourself and that’s important.

    But if you know anything about men, then you know that just because we don’t say, “I love you, too!” doesn’t necessarily mean we don’t love you and more so if we haven’t had enough time – and I’m talking about OUR idea of this and not a woman’s – to completely sort out exactly how we feel so we can let you know.

    If I were you, I wouldn’t feel like an idiot for putting your feelings out there… but I’ve always thought that expecting that immediate reciprocation can sometimes be unrealistic because one of the knocks against us as guys is that we’re not all that good at expressing our emotions like that and the more we have on our minds, the less capable we might be.

    Get those glasses back ASAP!

    • Glasses were returned without incident πŸ™‚

      Very wise my dear, as always. I actually didn’t expect reciprocity and my subsequent freak out wasn’t because he didn’t say it as well, it was more about fearing I would freak him out too much. I hear you loud and clear on the mans perspective and I believe you are 100% right with this one. He’s got a lot to figure out. I can FEEL how much he likes me. And while my needs are important I think I should also be paying attention to what he is telling me in lots of other ways instead of being petulant I’m not getting it exactly the way I want it.

      In parallel, I’m also enjoying getting to know him better and letting things unfold. I don’t know if he’s someone I would want a long term relationship with yet, and I’m okay with that. That is new for me.

      since I don’t know that yet either, him not having all his answers, while some questions are uncomfortable, I’m working on being okay with that.

      Oh my goodness am I growing as a human?!

      • I do believe that you are. Now, in retrospect, perhaps you should have thought about the possible freak-out factor on him before you told him that you love him – engage brain first, then speak and all that – but it is what it is, right? I know that when I’ve told a woman that I love her first and she didn’t respond that she loved me too, I used to get bent, felt foolish, etc., and I never considered the freak-out factor… until one woman did freak out on me. After getting your head handed to you a few times – as well as getting your feelings hurt – you learn to think about the impact of your words on the other person before laying the truth of your own feelings on them. I even learned to tell them after I uttered those words that I wasn’t trying to freak them out, put pressure on them, stuff like that – I was just telling them how I felt and just because I felt that way didn’t mean they HAD to do or say something about it because I understood that they have to have time to process everything – and not everyone can do that, say, as I can do it.

        With me and my Linda, it took me three days to tell her that I loved her, too, after she told me first – and that was because, at the time, I had a lot of shit on my mind.

        • Yes, I didn’t really think about that part. And I suppose you are in the camp that things there’s no distinction between “falling in love with you” and “in love with you”?? I used the former deliberately but recognize the nuance may have been lost on him in the moment.

          I did recognize that this could be seen as additional “pressure”, so I also told him that I wasn’t asking for anything between the two of us to change. I also said I knew that his decision about his ex was a separate one from any decisions about me. And also that I recognize that life and shit happens…saying I don’t want to get hurt isn’t a statement about “please don’t hurt me ever” because really, how could anyone promise that??

          But what I do need is to know that I’m not in a situation where someone is actively considering ending it – and if that was the case that I would need to give him space to do so.

          I hope he heard all those things as well as the “I’m falling in love with you” statement. I think he did. I hope he did.

          • Actually, I’m in the camp of it being semantics and that odd behavior we have of compartmentalizing our feelings, like there’s a difference in saying that you love someone but you’re not in love with them.

            Maybe it’s me but you either love someone or you don’t and more so if you believe that love knows no boundaries. Now, you can tell someone that you think you’re falling in love with them and I’m okay with that because, duh, you do have to think about what you’re feeling and because you want to be sure that it is love that you’re feeling and not other emotions like lust or infatuation.

            “Falling in love,” at least to me, means that you do love them but perhaps not to your full capacity and “in love with you” can mean that you’re fully there and ready, willing, and able to bring all of yourself to the table unconditionally.

            Ah, but I realize that even as emotional as I can be (I wear my heart on my sleeve always), I think about love like a man and not as a woman would think about it. I think it’s a mode of self-protection that we draw lines in the sand to define the “stages” of love we experience and, honestly, there aren’t enough hours in a week that would allow me to fully explain everything I’ve learned about love, what it means, how it’s expressed, all of that stuff.

            I understand, of course, that you don’t want to “put yourself out there” only to have things have to come to a crashing halt… but what, exactly, does that have to do with the way you feel? Think about that for a moment and then think about this little tidbit I learned: Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you always have to do something about it… because sometimes you can’t; sometimes, the person you love can’t reciprocate and while that’s kinda messed up and often painful, it doesn’t really negate the way YOU feel, does it?

            You just need to know if things are going to continue so you can comfortably go from “falling in love” to “being in love” because to most people, it makes no sense to be in love with someone you can’t be with.

            Maybe he heard those things and I hope he did but let me tell you something about men: If you want a man to hear things like that, say them – do not assume that they’re able to read between the lines because, ah, some of us can’t. I’d rather have a woman tell me directly where her head and heart are about her feelings – kinda minimizes misunderstandings because ya might think that I know how you feel… but how do I know if you don’t tell me?

            We all worry about being hurt in love and I’ve found that this is true: The worst thing you can do to someone is to love them. Why? Because you’re gonna wind up hurting them and, in turn, be hurt and, damn, it just seems that this is our lot in life, ain’t it? There is what we think love is supposed to be… and then there’s how love REALLY is and now it becomes a matter of whether or not a person is going to embrace love and all that it can mean… or if they’re gonna keep living in the illusion of what it’s supposed to mean and those things, my friend, are rarely the same things.

            Nuances are a bitch aren’t they?

          • I think there is a distinction between loving someone and being in love with them. I love my children, but I’m not in love with them. The fact that the person I love is a man, a woman, a child, doesn’t have any bearing on whether or not I love them. However, there is a difference in whether or not I can be in love with them.
            At least, that’s my distinction. Otherwise, I agree with pretty much everything kdaddy said here, I just cannot reply to his comment so had to reply to yours πŸ™‚

    • He does, I completely agree. But he doesn’t seem to be in any rush to sort it out. He’s taking his time – he hasn’t even changed his mailing address nor removed all his things from his old house yet and it’s been 10 months.

      It’s such a stark contrast to me and how I dealt with my split. Although admittedly it took a bit of time for me to get all my things from the garage, all of our arrangements were sorted within a couple of weeks, mailing address was changed, condo was purchased, etcetera. I needed to move on. Tony is in a different place, it seems.

      • I still have stuff in my ex’s garage probably, and my piano at his. I just didn’t have the finances to get it moved and I couldn’t stand the idea of being in his house with him present. The weight of just that idea was not worth me going to spend an afternoon sorting through the boxes in the garage.
        I am now in a better head space (and financial one too) to take care of both and I will. I have to, he is moving soon and probably won’t want my crap πŸ˜‰
        This is just to say that sometimes there are things that come in the way of you moving out probably. Does it say something about the state of mind? Certainly. But it’s not necessarily what you think it does. In my case, it’s clear I don’t want to go back to him. However, it does say a lot about the speed at which I am able to handle the divorce proceedings, I agree.

  15. Neither of you are operating from a position of emotional strength.

    How long a timeout have you taken for yourself?

    This guy’s on the rebound. He’s emotionally unavailable. You’re his crutch, his feelgood factor that helps him through the day. His other crutch is his substance abuse. The weaker a person, the harder the substance they use.

    Telling him how you feel was the right thing to do. You have the clarity you needed. His response was his answer.

    You need to set some boundaries now. Tell him no sex until he has made his decision. Better yet – for you – is not to see him until he has his shit sorted. Watch his reaction; that will reveal lots.

    Words often lie; actions (or inaction) never do.

    Stop. Just stop, before you get really hurt.

    • Why do you think I’m not operating from a position of emotional strength? From a relationship perspective I feel very strong – since the late fall I’ve been in a really good place. So I’m wondering what you see?

  16. You are not wrong for saying was on your mind and feelings. You had the guts to put it all out there and be honest. Some men fear this much honesty. Whatever happens, happens, yes, and don’t regret what you said. Again, good job.

    • Thank you. I’m getting a bit more comfortable with what happened, because as you say, whatever’s going to happen, will happen. He did say it was fine for me to tell him how I was feeling and he appreciated that I’ve always been honest with him.

  17. As women we all have value in different ways.
    Unless your able financially to have a little Botox, a small lift here and doing financially well your attraction to men devalues as you age.
    One day men are still looking and the next week it all stops.
    Most old men do not like old women as girl friends. It’s a fact. There are too many younger women or women that can afford the plastic surgeon for everyday women to have much attraction value.
    I know at my age of 65 and wrinkles that I will never have a hug or sex again with a age appropriate decent man. It’s a fact.

    If love comes your way enjoy yourselves, worry less, stop with the judging/analyzing and appreciate the day.
    Memories will be what sustaines you someday.

    • I’m sorry but I couldn’t disagree with you more about the need for botox and plastic surgery to keep attracting men as you age. My grandmother had a series of boyfriends her own age well into her late 70s, and she didn’t even wear makeup or shave her legs. She was smart, funny, and generous. And as her diaries have proven to me, she had great sex right until her dying day.

      There of course are lots of examples of men in their 60s and 70s who choose to just date younger women, but I know lots of examples to the contrary as well. My Mother is a beautiful, sexy, and earthy woman in her early 70s and she is still attractive to men her age.

      Confidence, intelligence, and playfulness have no expiry date. Men who will only like me if I have liposuction aren’t the kind of men I want to date anyway. I find as I get older I am attractive to a broader, not narrower, age range of men.

      And while I’m in the top 1% of wage earners, I have yet to meet a man who likes me for my money.

      I can’t help but find your comment incredibly depressing, I’m sorry. I hope you don’t take offence to my words, but someone happy, confident, and positive, with wrinkles and lumpy bits, will beat someone miserable with a perfect ass, in the long run. My former mother-in-law is a horrible human being who has spent tons of money on plastic surgery. It’s her personality that prevents her from finding love, despite having the tits of a 20 year old.

      I guess I think I’m a great addition to someone’s life and aren’t going to settle for just anyone because I think my best before date is coming up.

      • You are correct in much of what you wrote.
        But I do believe looks matter to most men.
        I just want you younger women to value the life you have today.
        They will be your memories someday.

        • I don’t think looks matter as much as women think they do – we seem to think someone won’t love us because we have some cellulite or weigh 10 lbs more than we wish. In all of the men I’ve come across I’ve only met a few who are that shallow. Sure, there are some who are super sporty and they want someone to be the same. But even those women likely think they aren’t attractive enough.

          But I absolutely do value life and enjoy it to its fullest. I’ve never been happier.

        • I appreciate the fact you want us to enjoy life to its fullest. Yet I, like Ann, tend to disagree with you. I have never been as heavy in my life, except maybe at the end of my pregnancies. Yet I seem to attract more men now (age appropriate ones, as you’d say), than I did when I was 30. Granted, I was married then and wasn’t looking to attract anyone, but the one person in my life didn’t feel attracted to me. It took me walking out on him and starting to live and enjoy life to realise that his lack of attraction to me wasn’t a problem on my side but on his. I’m so glad I never had the plastic surgery he would have wanted me to have!
          Now, I was out dancing over the weekend. I saw a woman, in her 60s, who was probably starving herself she was so lean, yet with perky, enhanced boobs, wearing barely enough fabric to cover herself. She did go home with a much younger man, probably 25. But this didn’t say anything to show men are more attracted by plastic bits than flabby ones. I chose not to go home with anyone. But I’d had plenty of opportunities. And I didn’t need the reassurance that I was still attractive to a 25 year old to feel good about myself. I guess plastic surgery is sometimes a trap that women fall into, thinking that if they just had perky boobs, or just had a tighter tummy, smaller ass, you name it, men would like them. It is sometimes that women have plastic surgery to feel better, not realising that if they first started to feel better about themselves, if they first cured the depression, they may not need the plastic surgery.
          I don’t want to be with a man who likes me for my body only. I want to be with someone who see my charm, my wit, my generous heart. And yes, I want them to like my body too, but I think putting it first is a mistake.

  18. At the 3-year mark since leaving my marriage I am most grateful for the opportunity to truly be myself–and for finding someone who truly accepts me. Sometimes it’s a fine line between not wanting to change for someone else and what is reasonable compromise. I think as you struggled with this you realized you were suppressing your true self by trying to suppress your feelings. You did what felt right at the time–now let him figure out his response to it. It’s up to him–it’s not something you should feel the need to manage. You just have to be you.

    • Thank you Holly, and you are exactly right. It’s really with him now to determine how to respond. And I can make a decision in my own right, whether I want to stay while he gets himself sorted out… knowing on the one hand it’s fun and lovely, and on the other, he may never get to the place I need him to be.

  19. Wow! Well done for opening up to him like that. I now know, from your next post, that everything worked out just fine. I admire you for being honest with him. I am always afraid for opening up, that I will freak people out, that they will think I am stupid and silly.
    From now on your story will be my example of how honesty can be good for you.

    • While I do think honesty is a good way to go, I’m not sure whether my timing was the best. What’s done is done, however, and if Tony can’t handle it well it’s probably best to know sooner rather than later, anyway.

  20. “I don’t think I’ve ever told someone I was falling in love with them (or in love with them) without them reciprocating.”

    BINGO!!! That’s what is bothering you. I wish I could give you just a little patience. Look Ann, maybe it was a little premature to say, but, face it, he didn’t head for the hills either.

What do you think?