I made a sex machine

Getting drilled. Or, making my own f*ck machine.

If you found this link looking how to make one a sex toy, keep reading. If you’re also curious how a divorced, over 40 year-old Mom got to this place, making sex toys from reciprocating saws? You may be interested in reading more of my blog. Check out my home page or go to About Me to read my story. Enjoy!


I’m starting to think perhaps I have a real problem. I am out of my mind with sexual desire. And the good-but-not-always-amazing sex with TonyΒ just stokes an already out of control forest fire.

Several months ago I read a fellow bloggers post about making a sex toy, and I wanted to do it. And not just any sex toy. A fucking machine, basically. The day I read his post I bought a critical attachment off Amazon for $7 USD.

The ingredients?

A reciprocating saw with a stroke (!) length of 1″ or more. A universal adaptor for said saw. A dildo.

Easy peasy.

Yesterday I was in another location for work and happened to be near a big hardware store. Only two things were on my list. A nightlight for Tony’s bathroom (the source of a recurring joke between us) and a reciprocating saw. I thought it would be improper to see if Will had one in his garage I could borrow.

I was aware that this was a flight of fancy (fuckery) so wasn’t about to invest in a quality tool (so many innuendos!)…but there was one for $50 that had a 1 1/8 stroke length.

I was grinning like an idiot whilst purchasing the saw.

I got home and amazingly, had a window of opportunity where I was alone. Assembly was pretty easy.

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Saw and adaptor

For those of you who don’t know, the way this works is where you see the adaptor on the left, normally there’s a saw blade. So it will move back and forth (in and out) as far as the stroke length.

So. This thing has real promise, but here’s the problem. My arms aren’t really long enough to work the machine and be in a really satisfying position. And on high speed it could probably kill me. I put my “small” dildo on it (8″) because I knew the big one would be insane. Oh yeah, it’s also all really loud. No privacy with this bad boy.

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Now it looks intimidating. Come here, Darling!!

I tried it twice. Second time I used both power outlets and busted out the hitachi magic wand as well. I used my big toe to work the power button. It actually felt pretty damn good. But the coordination was tricky. I had to focus on the speed otherwise I pressed it too hard (which is a little jarring, to say the least) or stopped completely. It was pretty comical, although I managed to make myself cum really hard.

Bottom line is I need someone to use it on me. Or build a mount for it, at which point I should just go to the nearest sex club because really.

I also laughed at myself the whole time. Is this what it’s come to? My ex husband once accused me of being frigid. This is quite the departure. It is totally ridiculous that I have a saw under my bed for the purpose of sexual pleasure. Isn’t it?

The thought of telling Tony about this just makes me giggle. He’s coming over tomorrow night. If he can’t quite do it for me, do I say “oh here honey, use the ryobi with the dildo, it will do the trick!” As comfortable as I am with my sexuality, I think I would just die.

96 thoughts on “Getting drilled. Or, making my own f*ck machine.

  1. I needed that chuckle this morning. Using your toe to work a dildo on a saw! Have you been to the history of sex museum in NYC? The 2nd floor has all kinds of dildos from the old-timey historic ones to creative inventions and many of them involve power tools or are mounted on tool boxes. Next time you’re in the city I would highly recommend it. My go to trick when I need to get off discretely is the “look ma, no hands!” Move with the hard running bath water, or if available, a shower head that detaches!

  2. *raises hand* I’ll use it on you πŸ™‚

    And I’m glad you put small in quotes when you referred to your 8″ dildo. Which begs the question, how big is the big one?

    • Not really looking to test them. And he seems surprisingly nonchalant about his issues…or perhaps isn’t in denial but can’t face them.

      But I need a good drilling, that’s for sure.

  3. Ann, I’ve been reading for close to a year…actually the whole ‘collective’ of seemingly connected blogs…it began with ‘isme’ and branched to you and Lady M, etc. I’ve commented on others, but don’t think I have here.

    First, this post made me smile and then laugh to myself as I sit in my office. I assure you the laugh was ‘with you’…not at you. I love your openness about your sexuality…the desires that clearly lay any hint of frigidity to rest…I’m guessing he never found the ‘key.’

    There has just always been something about the tone, attitude and reflection that embodies your writing. I’d be remiss if I didn’t share that your words form the image of a very smart, funny, strong yet vulnerable woman…and, I should add, alluring…desirable.

    Then comes yesterday’s post and again your words did not betray you…they only added depth and heart to the ‘picture’ of you that the blog has drawn. Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand your need to write about it and to raise the questions that you did…questions that even in this decade and a half old century still have to be raised about how the culture inextricably links women and their appearance in a persistently objectified and damaging way. The standards for men never approach that pitch or depth of impact. So, that said, it’s easy to understand the sheer power of that ‘word’ he used in describing you.

    Clearly, you are smart enough to step back and understand all the dynamics in play here…but, for me, once again your willingness to put your emotional response ‘out here’ for us only added to an impression and image of you that made me smile at your wisdom, strength and beauty. A very attractive, dare I say, package.

    Enjoy that reciprocating toy…I’ll never use mine again without thinking of your DIY project. I can see it now on ‘Ask This Old House’…the many uses of the reciprocating saw.

    Cameron

  4. Love this, Ann. I read it to my DH (he had to see the photos you posted) and now he wants to build one for us, if only to bridge the gap between his obsession and my indifference with power tools.

  5. Oh my, this is a better way to start my day than I could have imagined. So many funny and sexy pictures of you.. in a complimentary sort of way of course. In the hardware store with a big smile. Assembling the toy. And trying to coordinate the action… How fun! Thanks for sharing!

    • Glad you liked it… this adventure seemed a little extreme even for me, so wasn’t sure how people would respond. Perhaps the horrified ones are staying silent πŸ™‚

      I’ve been grinning about it a lot. Just the sheer ridiculousness of the whole thing. Even in a meeting today where I had this moment of “OMG I’m here in my suit looking all professional and little do they know what I built yesterday!”

      • Awesome. I can’t image your readers being horrified, and I think your regulars aren’t all that surprised. Yes it might have been quite the adventure, but you’re known for adventuring! Big or small.

        I sometimes have the similar moments when sitting at my desk thinking “nobody here has any idea the things I do and boy would they be surprised!”

  6. I’m so curious about a fuck machine, but I really feel that I would enjoy the experience with my lover watching my reactions and forcing me to orgasm over and over again…that’s the appeal of the machine.
    Otherwise I’ll just ride the hell out of my wand with an attachment.
    I understand where you’re coming from – my high sex drive makes me crazy at times.

    • Yes I agree…I don’t think it will do much for me on my own. I still remember when the “dog trainer” used the hitachi on me with the gonzo attachment and it was crazy hot!!

      But for a $60 investment I had to try this.

    • I have no storage space! I also wanted to buy a special piece of aex furniture (basically a curvy chaise) and it wasn’t the cost that stopped me but the fact I have no room for it!

  7. Oh, I get you!
    I could use a good fuck right about… two or three days ago!
    And for me it’s not happening for another week. ANOTHER WEEK!
    Now I just got triggered into an awful bout of anxiety, I have a houseful of kids, WP decided to not work on my laptop any more (I guess I need that OS upgrade NOW)…
    How do I calm down enough to feed my kids with a smile on my face?
    How could a day go from good to awful in ten minutes flat?

    And I must laugh at the ‘frigid’ comment. I’m the same!

    Oh, one last thing: yes, by all means tell Tony. But I’d do it BEFORE you guys do anything. That way there is no notion of whether his performance was satisfactory or not πŸ™‚

    • I read your anxiety post. I’m sorry. I didn’t have time to comment yesterday as I was prepping for my date with Tony.

      I have learned that my sex drive is absolutely tied to how I’m being treated emotionally. There was damage in my marriage and it resulted in me not wanting to be intimate with my husband. I didn’t recognize it at the time, but I do now.

      I hope you are in a better place today?

      And yes, agree on telling him in advance. Very good advice!! Now, I didn’t tell him…he’s been good with all the stuff I’ve told him so far, but that might be a bit extreme for him. We shall see.

      • Don’t worry about not having time to comment. I get it, some people have a life πŸ™‚
        Yes, I know that my sex drive is totally linked to how I’m feeling emotionally. But I think it works both ways. If I get my feel sexually, I also feel better. Sigh!
        I am in a better place tonight, even though it wasn’t always so simple today. Tonight is better. I’ll take that πŸ™‚
        Good luck with the question. To tell or not to tell? πŸ™‚

      • LOL I *know* right? I can’t remember the online forum I was lurking on at the time, but a couple had built something like the monkey chair for the wife (because she’s insatiable) and it folded down to look like a step ladder that they could store away!

        • Ha! That’s why I liked that couch so much (and darned if I can’t remember what it was called) because it looks like a stylish and curvy lounger. The website is hilarious because it’s basically porn of couples using the couch. Of course they are model perfect bodies. I may have masturbated after watching it. But then again, that’s not saying much πŸ˜€

  8. One would imagine that with your long legs that contorting to work the controls of this contraption (flying solo, of course) could induce some of the worst leg cramps! You don’t surprise me with this direction in the slightest and I think that I developed quote the crystaline vision of you shopping for the saw with considerable due diligence. The determined look on your face as you test fit the “attachment” to the tool followed by a dry-run test (wearing safety goggles and a white lab coat). The grin of approval gives way to the desire for the first operational test.

    Oh my imagination!

    • Thanks for that laugh, Will!! I did pull out all the boxes to look for stroke length. Ironically the more expensive ones had shorter strokes.

      One question for you. Is it cheating if you use such a tool on a woman, if you don’t penetrate her yourself?

      • Hmmm. This is a good question and by “you” I am assuming this to be me…Will. On one hand, I have been known to do a lot to help out a friend in time of need and in a very close friendship, this would be significantly close to crossing over the line. The flipside of this for a more casual friendship is that it might not be cheating, per se, but immensely close to “flingy.”

        It certainly is an interesting question, isn’t it?

  9. I’m at work and they have a very tight filter on what we can and cannot view online (apparently your site hasn’t hit their radar yet!), so I can’t search for this – but in some porn movies, they have an orgasm machine (I don’t think they call it that – it’s just my name for it). It’s basically the same concept of your saw, but it is mounted onto a half-barrel (lengthwise) looking thing and the controls allow one to adjust the penetration, rotation, and the vibration. Those that I saw were just on the floor, so the lucky girl would just kneel over it and lower herself on. From the looks of things, it does a bang up job! I’ve always wanted to try one!

    Hmm…I Googled β€œOrgasm Machine” on my phone and all of the links that came up were associated with a medical implant device that stimulates certain nerves and literally gives woman an orgasm at the touch of a button! That would also be handy!

    • Yes, I have seen such machines in the ads on the porn sites I visit. I didn’t use the Sybian when I went to the swingers club with Ariel, although in hindsight I wish I’d tried it.

      Ooooohhhhh an implant? That could be so…awesome. I wouldn’t ever get any work done!

  10. I love it! Thanks for the giggle this morning! I love your honesty. You have the courage to admit the levels to which orgasm is achieved while the rest of us hide it behind our closet doors. <3

  11. Lmao!

    Oh honey.

    My housemate owns a fucking machine. She got it for just over a grand from Canadia.

    It has a remote control and platform to adjust its height.

    No funny toe business πŸ˜‰

  12. Ann, I don’t think I’ve ever been quite so impressed. I wish I could help out. Maybe Tony already has (I’m been away from the blog osphere for a week or so) so I’m going to have to do some catching up.
    Do you have a video / gif of the machine in action? Not necessarily in action in your pussy, though that would be cool to see, but just to give us all a sense of how much fuck you’d get on full speed? (I’m bad, I know!)

  13. Yep you’re conclusion’s right, even though it’s a machine you need someone to use it on you.

    Some years ago I bought a battery powered anal vibrator however it was near impossible to control myself so I attached it to a ‘Black and Decker workmate’, stripped off lubed up and reversed by butt onto it then switched on, the thing worked but was too rigid ceasing occasionally, but ok, didn’t get me off though so back to the fingers even though bloody sore on the wrist!

  14. You can use a speed control on that thing so you free up your feet and control the speed by hand.

    Like this one: http://www.harborfreight.com/router-speed-control-43060.html

    It also allows you to set it at any speed so you can find the speed you like and go hands free too.

    You just plug this in, plug the saw into it then lock the saw’s trigger on. With the controller dial turned down switch it to Var and then turn the dial up to the speed you like. It makes it easier and safer to use.

    Enjoy!

What do you think?