It’s just the sex chemicals, I keep telling myself.
At one point, looking into the eyes staring intently down at me, before I even was aware of it “he’s picked me” popped into my head. I immediately chastised myself for such a ridiculous thought.
But he was fully present and focused on me. He gave me his mind and his body. He had chosen me, at least then.
At least I was able to shove that thought deep enough that it didn’t come back.
But also that morning, another thought was in high rotation in the playlist in my brain. It just happened at some random moment and there it was, front and centre. My internal voice said “Ann, you love him“. I immediately wrote it off as the Oxytocin speaking. Each time it sneaked back in, I shoved it down.
The thought is still here, after the Oxytocin has faded. It was here before, if I’m honest with myself. It was here, over an over again, in the three-hour car ride I took with my son today to get to a friend’s country house. My dad made me a playlist of 1,000 songs all about relationships, which playing on an iPod on shuffle.
The first two songs to play? “I think I love you” by the Partridge Family and “I do I do I do I do I do” by ABBA. Really, universe? REALLY??
I cannot be in love with this man who is possibly going to tell me any day now he’s going back to his ex.
I just can’t.