I’ve been craving bad food for weeks now and am back to my daily drinking. Before anyone worries excessively about my alcohol consumption, I will be specific. Prior to getting sick in the Fall, I had a glass of wine or two each night. I wouldn’t drink to get drunk but certainly felt the effects.
Being sick ended that. I didn’t feel like it and I also realized it wasn’t the healthiest habit. A drink a day is fine but I definitely exceeded that on a regular basis.
However I realized in recent weeks I’m back to my old habits. In addition, I’ve been craving sweets (normally just a once a month thing) and bad food in general. And giving in to those cravings.
Being the self-reflective sort that I am, I’ve been pondering this.
According to those who write about such things, stress over things you cannot control is the worst kind of stress. When Will’s parents were getting divorced (a vicious fight after thirty years of marriage), his Dad’s cardiologist told him he risked a second heart attack if he didn’t get the divorce settled. That he couldn’t control his ex-wife’s behavior.
I realized there are three big things going on in my life which I have no control over, which are causing me an inordinate amount of stress. While I have a pretty high tolerance (people often as me how I’m able to “handle it all”) I have to recognize what’s going on.
Challenge #1 | The potential court case & life change
I haven’t written much lately about what’s going on with Will. I alluded to a pending career change in an earlier post. He’s quite serious about changing jobs and is readying himself to quit his current, very well paying job, and move into a much lower-paying sector.
He wants to make the world a better place, which is noble. But just like his decision to move away, his choice is ultimately self-centered and potentially at his son’s (and my) detriment.
On the plus side, he may be home as early as next month. We would go back to our week-on, week-off arrangement with Liam (yes, I’ve named my son here, finally). This would give me back some of the freedom I’ve missed. It would be good for Liam to have his father back home. Although admittedly I will miss having him around all the time.
On the minus side, the job change he’s contemplating could mean he’s making ~25% of his former salary. He has a massive mortgage as a result of his one-time payout to me on the equity of our house. He’s not sure he can afford to stay in the house or even in our neighborhood. I think Liam could handle a house change if other things stay the same (school, nanny, etc) and his Dad is back. But additional change could be a real issue.
But that’s not the biggest stressor. Will can actually sue me for child support.
I’m not going to spend a lot of keystrokes here debating whether he will or won’t. Bottom line is I can’t control it; it’s completely out of my hands.
Challenge #2 | The potential break-up
I don’t need to spend a lot of time discussing this one as several blog posts have already been devoted to it. Prior to learning that Tony was actually contemplating putting his family unit back together, I was worried about whether he was on the same path as me.
Now it’s worse. I’m just waiting (yes, my choice to do so) for a decision to be made. And it’s not my decision and there’s nothing really I can (or should) do about it. He needs to come to the conclusion all on his own. Given the depth of feeling I have for him it’s rather torturous.
And yes, I won’t take it as a personal rejection of me. At least I tell myself this now. No matter what, I will be very, very, sad.
Challenge #3 | The potential job loss
My company is going through a massive restructuring. I could lose my job and that’s not an exaggeration. While I would get a payout providing some time to find a next job, I like where I work. My company is one of the most respected of its kind in the world. The people are great. I love what I do.
I’m not sure what else there is to say on the matter. It’s going to be at least another month before I have clarity on what’s next.
I’m writing this, it’s before noon and I’m drinking my second proscecco and orange juice (in fairness, I am on vacation at a friend’s country house in the woods) and making my way through a very large bag of crisps.
I guess it’s no wonder I’m feeling the effects of the stress on my body and my brain. I should be patient with myself, which is often difficult. Friends and readers say “Ann, you are only human” but that’s not comfort to me. I’m supposed to be better. Supposed to be exceptional. Supposed to be strong and powerful. Supposed to have no vulnerability and not need to rely on anyone. Oh, yeah, and not have any jiggly bits or cellulite, either.
Above all, I am not supposed to be weak. I detest weakness.
This is the down side of always striving to be better. Others see an accomplished, strong, fearless woman. I am not so blind as to not see the good things about myself, but I also see where I have room to improve.
I’m trying to cut myself some slack.