I need to ask him. NOW.

I had another great overnight date with Tony this past weekend. Instead of going out we ended up starting off with sex before he even had a drink in his hand. He talked dirty. A lot. We opened a vintage 2003 Dom Perignon for no reason other than I felt like it. We shared sexual fantasies and I learned more about his sexual history.

I cooked him breakfast and we watched a sporting event together. In bathrobes and slippers.

Now, as I ponder my party on Friday, I realize I don’t want to have him meet all my friends just to have it end a few weeks later. Some still ask about Johnny Id.

I need to know whether he’s made a decision about his ex-wife. Obviously I need to know what that decision is. I can’t live in limbo anymore. I need a declaration from him – first about his ex-wife, and second about me. Pondering in the shower this morning I realized if he doesn’t even think of me as his girlfriend, than what the hell am I?

My willingness to wait for a declaration about me is evaporating.

My insecurity over this is exacerbated by the fact that we haven’t been going out in the evenings. Granted, brunches ย and lazy mornings and conversation have been awesome, but I want to go out and do stuff – and while I think he’s like this too and has just had some rough weeks and needs relaxing hangout times, I can’t help but wonder if it’s a sign of something else.

If I had to bet I would say I’m overthinking that piece (shock!) but it’s there, bouncing around in my brain like an untamed superball.

So. It’s Monday. My party is Friday. He’s working for three days the latter part of this week, which means his evenings are up in the air. I think I need to ask him if he can come by tonight. I hope he can.

Ugh.

0 thoughts on “I need to ask him. NOW.

  1. Good luck, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you. What will you do if he asks for more time, like till after the party? Would you consider asking him not to come to the party if he can’t decide before then?

    • Thank you Vanessa-Jane! If he says he needs time I think I will tell him I need a break until he can make a decision. The thought pains me, so I know it’s right – I can’t continue to fall harder for him when I don’t know what he’s going to do.

  2. I can’t help wondering what would happen if you, and Tony switched places what his response would be. Have you considered making him seek out your decisions rather than leaving him always holding the proverbial reigns? ๐Ÿ˜‰ G-uno

    • I’m not sure what you mean. In this case, the primary decision is his alone – whether he is going to go back to his ex-wife. He’s the one that brought it up as a decision he has to make, and he’s not brought it up since.

      If he is unable to make a decision then the decision what to do, if anything, is all mine.

      • Sorry I see that I did not express myself very well.I just thought that it might be a good choice on your behalf if Tony didn’t have the comfort of being the only one who was in the position of deciding between yourself, and his ex-wife. I was looking at it from the side of him maybe not realizing that you have as much say about where your relationship goes (maybe more) than he does. I felt offended by the thought that you were not regarded as the only choice. G-uno

  3. Hang in there. You are doing so well. My gut is telling me…just wait. A little bit? What if…you end up upset before the party or things don’t come out the way you want to hear them? You feel so good right now….do you want to risk it for this answer? I’m going with how you feel over what your head is telling you…sort of like what happens to me when my gut tells me something is wrong and I don’t listen. In this case your gut is telling you it’s right! Don’t let your head overrule your heart in this moment. He really seems like he needs a little more time.

    • I could handle more time probably if the question was just about me. Not that it’s my natural state but I’ve already done so well in that regard. But I can’t fall in love with someone who has yet to figure out if his marriage is over. That one I need to at least ask – if he says he needs time then the right thing is to also give him space. I may cloud his judgment to my long term detriment. If he’s meant to be with me, he will be.

  4. Hi Ann – I vote that you go ahead and ask him otherwise it will continue to eat-away at you (like it already is).
    Good Luck xxx

  5. I know that I am in a different place in my life than you, but I can’t help but to relate to your anxieties with men. Everything, including people, are constantly changing. A beautiful, yet terrifying thing.

  6. Best of luck Ann! Forces of nature and matters of the heart are never controllable. We can only plan ahead and avoid disaster or (sometimes “AND”, despite our best efforts) pick up the pieces afterwards. I am, of course, in no way predicting disaster here, but it would be foolish to not be prepared. I know you are. Even if you came out unscathed, you might still be tasked with disaster relief …or maybe you already are and don’t yet know it?

  7. At some point you need to find out where you stand and where things are going; you know it has to be done so just do it and deal with it accordingly. Okay, so, if Tony is going through some stuff – and I guess one can reasonably assume that he is given what you’ve shared about him, doesn’t it stand to reason that he needs some “me” time so he can get things sorted out properly?

    I don’t know about other men but there are times when I need the kind of “me” time that doesn’t involve having my woman with me because being around her isn’t conducive to good thinking and more so if she keeps asking me what’s wrong or even wanting attention from me that I’m too distracted to give. Yeah, that’ll put me in the dog house… but I need to think; I need to get things squared away in my head because the one thing I know better than anything else is that I cannot take care of her until I can take care of myself.

    Yes, you need what you need and you need to know some stuff… but don’t push him too hard because you could make it easier for him to walk away from you. Oh, and stop making yourself crazy about this stuff! I read this and felt as if we were sitting and talking about this and I thought, “Oh, lawd, this girl needs some Xanax!” What’s driving this sense of urgency?

    • I agree with you and am resigned to knowing that the best thing for him (and ultimately me) would be to give him time AND space if he doesn’t know yet about his ex-wife. I don’t want to push him per se but I do need to know if it’s yes / no / I don’t know. If the latter I think space is the right thing. If he’s meant to be with me, he will be.

      I can wait longer to know how he feels about me – because I know in my gut how he feels. There isn’t as much urgency there…I think it’s the ex-wife part that is causing the anxiety.

      • So ask yourself if it makes sense to be anxious regarding the ex-wife and if it doesn’t – and it shouldn’t – stop being anxious about a situation you can’t do anything about. All too often, many of us wind up letting our emotions drive the bus when we really need to tell our emotions to go have a seat in the back and let our intellect do the driving because if we let our emotions run things, we can wind up making ourselves apeshit and making things worse instead of making them better.

        And the title of your blog, “I need to ask him. NOW.” implies a sense of urgency to ask and get answers – just saying, ya know?

        • So in your opinion I should not bring up his comment about needing to decide about his ex, just have fun with him, and risk being completely in love with someone who could turn around in 3 weeks or 3 months and tell me he’s getting back with his ex?

        • …one other thing. I wouldn’t have given his ex a second thought if he hadn’t brought up that he had to make a decision. He hasn’t mentioned it since. I feel like I’m having an affair with a married man and hoping someday he’ll commit to me and leave his wife.

          • I get it but you just “flag” it for follow-up and then try not to let your emotions take you to crazy places when there’s not a lot of facts at hand right now. I mean, really, how can you be having an affair with a married man when he has an ex? Logically, that doesn’t make sense but, yeah, I can see how your emotions can take this and just go off running… and causing anxiety and other such things that aren’t going to make you feel good.

            Of course, handle your bizness as you see fit but I’m just “suggesting” that you not get yourself bent out of shape until you have a clear reason to be bent – it keeps your BP low and all that good stuff…

          • I recognize that my post title may indicate otherwise, but I’m actually being quite rational about this…I don’t think my emotions are running away with me. If they were, then I’d just enjoy all the lovey dovey feelings and stick my head in the sand about everything else.

            I see it as perhaps a too-detached thing to in a calculated way inquire as to where he stands with his ex and then know that I need to walk away (maybe permanently) if he doesn’t know. To do something to potentially avoid pain.

            And yes, of course it’s not actually like he’s a married man – I was drawing a correlation to the feeling of being with someone who isn’t truly “mine” (as much as anyone really can be).

    • My sense is that the urgency Ann is feeling has to do with how she relates to her friends and the public. Inviting Tony to her party has brought a new dimension to the relationship related to her social image. When you introduce someone that you’re dating to your friends, you put yourself out there in different way than when it’s just you. I can totally understand that Ann doesn’t want to go to the trouble of introducing Tony to her friends if she’s just gonna breakup with him and feel heartbroken within the near future. If they are still asking about Johnny Id, then anyone that she introduces will have a long term effect in their minds in relation to how they see her. Ann, I can understand why this issue is introducing an added layer of anxiety for you. Perhaps better to gently check in with him.

      • Yeah, I thought about the party thing and, to me, it makes sense but it doesn’t so I wasn’t going to say much about that… but it’s self-defeating because while it may seem like a waste of time to introduce him to her friends IF the relationship is going to end, um, it’s not over until it’s over and I know it’s just me but I wouldn’t assume that it’s going to be over and take that assumption – and one without a whole lot of facts at this point (because they haven’t talked about this yet) – and make it factual.

        If they’re asking about Johnny Id, eh, he’s “old news” in a sense and Tony is the new news – for the duration and for however long that’s gonna be and, yeah, again, it’s just me, but I wouldn’t let that bother me because I know that they don’t know what the deal is – and some of those friends probably don’t need to know why I’m not with that person any longer.

        I’ve always said that perception is worse than the truth and, yep, we do worry about how others see us, especially in this situation – I’d rather see Ann not worry about these things, keep her head clear, and to think more than feel. Get the facts and deal with them because anything else causes undue stress and just never, ever helps in this situation.

      • You are partially right – I’m less worried about any long-term memory my friends might have, than I am about the fact that it just made me realize I had an artificial timeline in my head, attached to my party. I was waiting until after the party to have the discussion since it’s just a couple of days before I leave on my vacation.

        But what I realized is having him at my party, meeting my friends, being introduced as someone I’m dating, will just make it harder for me if he comes back from his trip and tells me he doesn’t know yet what he’s going to do, or that he’s getting back with his ex. Perhaps he will need that time anyway, but I don’t want to make things worse for me and my heart.

  8. You share the most intimate thing two people in the world can possibly share, why shouldn’t you feel able to ask him? I know why, but you are so uninhibited about so many things, I wish you could feel ok about asking him where you stand.

    • I wish this as well. There are a few things contributing to my anxiousness, but am also working very hard at not worrying to much, giving him time, basically doing things differently than I would before.

  9. Ann, your comment about not going out and just hanging at home resonated with me. The Hunter and I have not been going out much if any. We made a lot of plans this past weekend that fell by the wayside. I say this because some couples don’t go out on dates a lot. I am accustom to a more active social life, so I am adjusting.

    I get the sense that Tony is not in a hurry to make a decision about you. He needs to make the larger decision about his marriage. As hard as it may be, I would suggest not confronting him before the party. If your friends are truly friends, they understand the vagaries of dating and won’t judge you. Best of luck!

    • One of the the things Tony and I bonded over was a joint love of going out and trying new things. It’s just one of those niggling thoughts, not anything too serious, but it reminds me ever so slightly of my experiences with men who had no interest in dating me. They just wanted to f*ck me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really think that’s the case here, but it’s when my brain starts to go down the rabbit hole, that’s where it goes.

      With regard to the party, it’s no so much I worry about being judged by my friends. More that if we have a great time, as I suspect we will, and he meets my friends and it’s all good, it will be another milestone that makes me like him even more. I am really in a self protection mode right now…I’m hoping to not get hurt by him and am grasping at straws for a way to lessen it, since there’s no way to avoid it.

      • Ah, Ann, I feel for you. You cannot control any of this. My suggestion is just be yourself and take whatever comes. It’s hard for us Type A gals, but I’ll tell you, when I let go and I mean when I really dropped my defenses, my relationship with the Hunter blossomed. I wish you all the happiness you deserve.

          • For me personally, sometimes I don’t like to ask questions when I don’t know the answer. For me, this would be one of those situations. I would prefer not to know at this juncture. It’s too soon perhaps. That’s just me though.

        • …and I should add: I had this moment on Friday night after sex, where it was just so seemingly meaningful, passionate, etc., that I was overwhelmed with emotion then quickly overcome with sadness at the thought of losing him. He could see it on my face (even though it was dark) and asked me what was wrong. I shook it off and said “nothing at all” which I wouldn’t normally do, but I just couldn’t bring it up in that moment.

          My defenses are down. Perhaps that is what’s really scaring me right now.

          • I had a similar experience early with the Hunter. We had a mellow week day dinner followed by great sex. He was falling asleep and I had tears streaming down my face. I realized it was because I was so happy. That’s when I dropped my guard and just went along for the ride. Perhaps his guard is still up, but perhaps you letting your defenses down will ease his as well. Good luck.

          • I think his guard is coming down. He told me on Friday night that he would like to suck another man’s cock – and said “wow I’ve never said that out loud before”. So I think he’s opening up, for sure ๐Ÿ™‚

  10. I just wanted to say that I completely understand your need of wanting an answer and I don’t see a problem in being open to Tony, like you have been until now (And it seems to be working fine!)
    I also understand that this issue with his ex wife might have been a big step back; you would probably be happy at this point to at least be sure that he is not planning in getting back to her and then perhaps would be easier to be patient in regards to the rest.
    So, I am wishing you the best luck to this conversation and completely understanding that you need to do this.

    • Yessica – thank you. I really appreciate you saying so. You are 100% right that I would be able to be more patient if he hadn’t told me about the decision about his ex. While I might want him to not be weird about calling me his girlfriend, the reality is things are great, he continues to open up to me, we make future plans, etc.

  11. Would it be reasonable to want to know where his thoughts are about the ex wife before the party, introducing the subject in a way where you state that you’re wondering if he’s “up to” meeting your friends in a way that solidifies a “relationship” status? Acknowledging that he told you some time ago about his situation relating to her and the marriage and you don’t want to put him in a situation that perhaps he’s not ready for? At the same time telling him that you care for him and are willing to give him space if it is needed?

    I admit that I feel a bit squeamish about the thought of “pushing” for an answer NOW, but at the same time I can totally understand how you’re falling for him and don’t want to get hurt yourself. Still – I see nothing wrong with taking a matter-of-fact approach as I mentioned above. Even prefacing with, “I don’t want you to feel pressured by me, but I want to keep the communication open…”

    • Tara that is really excellent advice. I’ve been debating in my head how actually to ask him without being too pushy. I like your approach and will definitely consider it.

      I don’t need a clear Yes or No from him this week…its okay if he doesn’t know yet. But then I think I need to give him some space, or at least ask him what he needs to be able to make a decision. I can’t be in limbo forever so is helpful to know what needs to happen for him to move forward, one way or another.

    • Quite true; I have to figure out what I would do in a few potential circumstances. Seems pretty clear to me, but I guess I should only say that afterwards…this guy has thrown me curveballs in the past!

  12. I too think you’re over thinking that part. You DO like staying in but you like to go out too and faulting him for not doing that. No win scenario. Doubt is tainting every thought. Either way, I’m a card carrying ASV fan and am hoping you get resolution quickly

What do you think?