I let him…..me

Friday night found me hanging out with Madeline and three other bloggers – all male. I drank copious amounts of red wine (shockingly, Madeline and I hated all three of the sparkling wines the wine bar served). We talked about blogging, life, dancing, how to get a Greenland view on ones blog, music, and anything else that came to mind. About pet peeves of bad writing and people who lack self awareness. Fashion and relationship advice may have been passed on. Jokes were told.

I made some new friends.

It was a wonderful fun evening which again reminded me how much I live to make connections with others. Will was so different from me in that regard.Β 

One of the men missed his train home. He and I were texting back and forth and I offered that he could stay in my hotel room – but to be clear, I wasn’t going to f*ck him. He knows about Tony and although we had casually flirted, it was all in good fun.

However, I did say I could use a cuddle.

Was this good judgment? Perhaps not. It was after 2am and I was drunk and while I don’t use drunkenness as an excuse for bad behaviour, it definitely inhibits my decision making skills. It was honest, but not something I should have shared.

He was grateful for the offer to stay with me as it saved him from a very expensive ride home. He arrived to my room shortly after I did. We said hello and I finished getting ready for bed. I had brushed my teeth and taken out my contacts but I was too damn tired to take my makeup off.

Thank god I packed something to sleep in. He didn’t see me naked. I hopped into bed, as did he, and he wrapped his arms around me and it felt…nice.

We may have talked, but I don’t remember a lot of coherent conversation on my end. I do recall he told me I was a tease, and I said I was genuinely not trying to be. He inquired as to my drunken state. My brain was yelling at me that this was not a game and I was mad at myself for putting him in a position where he could have misinterpreted my invitation. This was neither a flirtation nor a game on my part, but I’m not sure he saw it that way.

And then I passed out.

He took no advantage of the situation, and he easily could have.

His alarm went off outrageously early, and he had to lean over me to turn it off. I tend to not move around much when I sleep, so I was in pretty much the same position as I was went I went to sleep. Without thinking, I backed up closer against him. We were spooning, his hand on my leg. I was falling in and out of sleep.

Whether equally in auto-pilot or deliberate, I do not know, but his hand started rubbing my leg. It was not an aggressive move, but I suppose but what most of us would do if our hand was on someone’s leg that we liked. Simple up and down movement, gently. Although as his hand moved from the outside of my thigh to my hip, he discovered my nightgown had ridden up overnight and that I don’t wear underwear to bed. He inquired and I said “oh I never do”.

I hadn’t even thought of it the night before. Whoops.

That might have been when I grabbed his hand to wrap his arm around me. I did not want to make the discovery an invitation, because it wasn’t. He rubbed the inside of my wrist. My arm. His face was against the back of my neck, and his mouth was in my hair and on my shoulder. I would wake up thinking – did he just gently kiss my shoulder? – and then I would fall back to sleep.

This was not an aggressive attempt at seduction. I can’t find the right words to describe how it was nice, more than predatory. I’ve been thinking a lot about whether that’s just how I would like to interpret it. But I don’t think so (feel free to argue).

At some point I released his hand and it once again travelled along my side, but this time he kept going upwards and it ended in a gentle squeeze of my right breast. I may have sighed, despite myself. I said it felt good, which it did. He asked why I hadn’t said “no”… so I said “no”. And he stopped.

Before he left the bed to get him, he pulled himself up so that he was over me. He said “there is something we haven’t done”. I told him I wasn’t going to kiss him, and we didn’t.

So.

I’m very glad I was able to sleep, because hangovers aren’t fun at the best of times, let alone when I wake up and think “ohhhhhh shit, Ann, what the f*ck were you thinking”.

I am quite displeased with myself. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I am beating myself up, because that would be a lie. I didn’t even kiss this guy. Technically I didn’t even touch any parts of his body that would be inappropriate. But this is not about technicalities. I shared a bed with him. I spooned him, and I let him touch me. If the tables were turned and it was Tony doing the same thing, I would not be happy.

Probably worst for me is I feel bad that I put him in a position where he had to show restraint. This isn’t a game. I don’t get off on having a guy not be able to resist me. I’m no dummy, if I wanted something to happen, it would have. So I could certainly have made the situation less tempting.

I guess my feelings about the whole thing are unresolved. I didn’t do what perhaps I may have done a year ago. I laid in that bed thinking about Tony and feeling bad for the position I put my blogger friend in. He, being quite a decent guy, has accepted my apology and told me not to worry in the least. I know I overthink so am trying not to do that here. But we all know how hard that is for me sometimes.

0 thoughts on “I let him…..me

  1. Do you understand the incredible self restraint you have exhibited?! Yes, it was a mistake to sleep in the same bed, but you had perhaps the ultimate temptation and you resisted!!! I, for one, am growing more convinced that you are truly in love with Tony. I’m happy for you!

    • I suppose I did exhibit restraint, but I feel like I shouldn’t have even created the situation in the first place. Although yes, I managed to avoid doing something I would very much regret.

      Thank you for being happy for me. I am genuinely touched. I don’t know that I love him, but I feel all gooey when I think about him (Madeline said I glowed when I talked about him) and can feel myself falling for him. I’m not sure he’s in the same head space, though.

  2. I feel your pain, Ann… Seriously!
    I feel frustrated just reading this!
    But I applaud your restraint and sense of honor. You’re a good girl, Ann.
    By the way, I can only assume you had to let some steam off after that near-encounter?

  3. It’s done. It wasn’t a good idea. Not now. Focus on Tony. We all make silly decisions
    Inebriated but don’t beat yourself up about it.

    I hated that wine. 😝lol. Loved the company and space though!

  4. You got some restraint there lady! And a helluva lot if this mysterious blogger was hot. Don’t beat yourself up though–good intentions brought him into your hotel room. But yeah–probably not something to repeat again. I second the idea that your feelings are growing towards Tony.

  5. I often question if monogamy is a social construct that some people can’t subscribe to and when they try and fail it creates a shroud of shame and guilt over something they are powerless to control? How much of marraige, or monogamy, is economically beneficial and so is encouraged and reinforced by our culture?

    • As someone engaging in an open relationship, I ask these same questions. I feel as if many of us are, as the institution of marriage and monogamy weakens and the ease of meeting new people only gets easier with new apps like tinder. Things seem to be shifting.

      • This was meant as a comment to John Callaghan’s comment, btw! Replied wrong. @Ann, you are an adventurous woman, clearly. I say just keep being honest about who you really are, and you’ll be great.

      • Yeah…that’s tough when people have expectations, and even our own sort of muddled and maybe even hypocrtical. The world of love/passion/affection is ever fascinating, and a struggle…I feel regularly bewildered by how I should manage it in my own relationships.

        • Ok, I was a bit extreme in my sentiment, maybe. I have only had 2 long term relationships in my life. My first, which lasted 5 years and my current one which is going on 12. In both, I have felt the same discomfort with monogamy…maybe it is just me…

          • Well this may surprise you, but I had no discomfort in monogamy in any of my LTRs. And I’m not cut out for Polyamory, I’ve decided.

            I think it depends why you felt discomfort with that – and what sex with other people represents and gives you that you aren’t getting in your primary relationship.

          • I don’t necessarily need sex with multiple partners. It isn’t about the sex for me at all. It is truly about my search for knowledge, my thirst for the vitality of new love, the energy and the tremendous growth it motivates. When I say that I do not believe in monogamy, what I mean is that I am not certain man or woman was intended to take a single partner for the rest of his or her life. I think we thrive in a relationship until don’t. Love remains, but that spark that ignites the fire fades…I am still learning to appreciate the slow burn, the natural ebbs and flows…but I am lying if I were to say I didn’t believe that was an indication it was time to move on and find a new partner to grow with. Am I the worst person on Earth? Am I the only one that feels this way?

          • Actually, it’s not that I want to move on, that just seems to be the only option. What if we lived in a world where we were open and honest and vulnerable with our partners? Where we could openly discuss our desire for others and enjoy them while remaking in the relationship. I mean, I am speaking about open relationships. I would never want this at the beginning of a truly loving relationship. It might even take decades before the thought of another partner came into play, but at some point in every long term relationship I have had I have found this desire (and it’s lack of acknowledgment) a precursor to trouble in the relationship. Maybe it is more of a cue to strengthen your bond or work on the relationship or maybe it is a cue that a new energy is needed?

          • To be perfectly honest with you I think it depends what you aren’t getting from your relationship that leads to this desire. If you are using an outside person as an enhancement to a strong and supportive primarily relationship, that’s one thing. I don’t know if this is going out on a limb, but I think those situations are pretty rare. I would call that “polyamory”.

            However, if you are wanting/using that outside person as a balm / bandaid for something that is broken in your primary relationship, that’s something different entirely. This is what I see in “open” relationships pretty often… it’s not building on something, it’s actually supporting a broken foundation.

            My “open relationship” was an example of that. Will’s willingness for me to have sexual experiences with others was all about trying to fix something that was broken between us.

          • I actually don’t think what you are describing is a monogamy debate at all.

            Identifying what to do if/when a relationship has run its course, could certainly end up being a monogamy discussion. But it depends what is missing. I know some people enjoy the partnership they have built even when the intimacy / passion has died, and the solution is to find a third person to get that from, and stay in the primarily relationship.

            I don’t think you can really know whether you have done enough to save a relationship. Tony and I had this discussion this past weekend – how do you know if you should have worked harder? Not sure. My own opinion is that if you are contemplating expending lots of energy on a relationship outside a marriage, you aren’t able to have open dialogue about what you are missing and options on how to get it back, then it’s probably better to exit that relationship.

            But that’s just me.

          • It’s incredibly difficult, my dear. I don’t know many people that are courageous enough… so if it’s any consolation, you are among lots of company?

          • I know. And I would never deign to tell someone what to do… so will say, in my own situation, I am happier than I’ve been in a very long time. My stress level is WAY down, even given everything I’ve been through. There is no doubt in my mind that this was the right decision for both of us.

          • I feel bound by my promises, my children and also my very real attachment. My husband is all one could ask for, kind, loving, passionate, compassionate. Maybe I am the damaged one to still want more?

    • I’ve spent time thinking about monogamy over the last 2 years and I’m definitely not one for Polyamory, I’m pretty sure. I was monogamous with my ex for 12 years. Now, I know I want to be in a committed relationship with someone… perhaps occasionally playing with others, but always as a team.

      • Yes, I undestand what you are saying. And just the act of thinking about this makes you remarkable. I just wonder in a more general sense if monogamy, with all its accompanying expectations, is a system that serves well only a portion of the population? Maybe there are people, many people, who are unable to be monogomous, either biologically or through a cultural/educational shift? The rate of infidelity is high, I think, and maybe instead of attributing this to a flaw, or shortcoming, of the individual, we should question the system of universal monogamy and question if this is appropriate for everyone. I mean we did something similar with gay marraige. Sorry, I do run on.

          • I think maybe it goes back to what Anne said about expectations. If there is an agreement of exclusivity and then if deciet and dishonesty are practiced when the agreement is broken it becomes an issue of honesty rather than monogamy. Maybe? But then again I wonder how much of the desire to have more than one partner is reinforced by its forbidden nature.

        • Oh not to worry, this is a run-on friendly blog πŸ™‚

          I’m a big fan of root cause analysis, and suggest that often we use high rates of infidelity as the reason that people should embrace non-monogamy. But what interests me are why people are unfaithful… it’s often about lack of intimacy and sex in a marriage. Infidelity is often done without consent…without communication…and this doesn’t sit well with me at all.

          I think it’s rare that we can find someone to fulfill all of our needs – but we often ask someone to be a lover, a confidant, a best friend, co-parent, etc… which of course is a lot for one person. Especially when we ourselves aren’t happy with who we are. We look to others to fulfill us, and when one can’t do it from a passion / sex perspective we say we aren’t meant to just be with one person and we find others.

          I’m running on, I know. I do think we should define our terms – generally when I hear of people having affairs it’s not primarily about the sex…so then why do we use a biological argument?

          • So then are the expectations for what is expected in a relationship unrealistic? And then we get into questions of happiness and whether or not attepting to achieve a state of consistent happiness ultimately becomes a destructive force? And happiness in the absence of adversity can lead to depression. But, on the other hand, I know people who are not monogamous and yet they are content with themselves, their lives, their marraige, and the deciept they practice bothers them very little. I think there are people who practice infidelity in order to satisfy a lack of something in their lives or relationships. And then their are those who step out because they are able to apply to their actions situational morality and see nothing wrong with indulging a sexual desire when the opportunity arises. But then I wonder how much of sexual desire is ignited and reinforced through the intimacy of the relationship, and thus combine the biological with the cultural, and most powerful of all, that ability to see your own reflection in the face of your lover. I find it all fascinating.

          • Oh, and just to blather on a bit more, we need to question the history of marriage. It wasn’t really until the industrial revolution that marraige became popular among the working classes. Or not so much popular, but participated in. Government, with the aid of the church, encouraged marraige because it made really good economic sense. Traditionally, if the woman stays home, cleans, cooks, minds the children, does the laundry etc, then the man, who works in the factory can then become a more effecient worker who is also cabable of working longer hours. So, how much of marraige, and by extension monogamy, a product of economic policy? As our culture changes, and drastically so, should we begin to look at a system that may be antiquated?

  6. I don’t understand your decision making (but I find it absolutely fascinating).

    You are a smart woman, not naive (though your analysis here reads as if you are trying to paint that picture), not an ingenue.

    You talk about douchebags and men who treat you poorly, then when you have made an exclusive commitment to a man who is (by all accounts) treating you very well, you talk about ‘resisting temptation’ a lot, and choose behaviours that don’t honour that commitment.

    It wasn’t ‘a mistake’: it was poor decision making. I know this sounds harsh, but I truly wonder WHY. Is it some kind of self sabotage?

    You know what I hear in all this?

    “Tony’s nice enough, but eh.”

    Ferns

    • I am not trying to paint myself as a naive ingenue – because that would be completely disingenuous. I am not sure I engaged in multiple things that don’t honor that commitment – have I? This is the first and one that is bad decision making – completely agree.

      But “why” is a very good question indeed. Need to think about that because I like Tony very very much.

      • Regarding “I’m not sure I engaged in multiple things…” You did write “If the tables were turned and it was Tony doing the same thing, I would not be happy.”

        • I meant that I haven’t done anything else that is a bad choice when it comes to being exclusive. Haven’t dated anyone, interacted with anyone, kissed anyone, etc. That’s what I meant.

          So I’m not sure I understand your comment.

        • “I am not sure I engaged in multiple things that don’t honor that commitment – have I?”

          I said “choose behaviours”, and I meant making choice after choice in this situation that took you further down the ‘I shouldn’t be doing this’ path.

          Though my comment has the weight of your self-talk about temptation/resistance/flirtations/opportunities etc since Tony entered the picture behind it.

          The difference is that this is the first time you were in a position where it was convenient to act on any of that self-talk. If you had met the Model, I’d have been really surprised if you hadn’t made some of the same kinds of choices if he’d been interested because you had *already* drawn the picture in your head of how much of a temptation he was.

          I know you see your lack of angsty obsession over Tony as a good thing (I agree, it is), but I wonder if it’s absent because you just don’t really care that much, which explains also why other men’s attention still tempts you.

          I guess a question: if this was a man who you were completely crazy about, would you have done the same? If the answer is ‘yes’ then obviously the ‘why’ lies somewhere else.

          Ferns

          • I definitely need to explore why I let / made the situation happen. I agree. What I realised I haven’t written about is the various times I have made the right choice – in the face of

          • … Whoops.
            I have made the right choice in the face of real temptation and not regretted it. Jason has emailed me a few times saying he wants to get together for sex – and I am TOTALLY tempted by him but never considered saying yes. The Italian (admittedly crazy) keeps texting and I’ve ignored him instead of seeing what he has to say. Someone I haven’t written about has made offers for fun with him and other men. No dice.

            Not to suggest I don’t need to think about this, but I have faced real choices before that could have tempted me – and I haven’t thought twice about doing the right thing. Nor regretted the decision nor really pined away for what I turned down.
            Which perhaps is the most significant for me. I know what I’m “supposed” to do, but these decisions are also what I’ve truly wanted to do – they were not a sacrifice or a compromise.

          • I know I’m giving you a hard time, but to be clear it’s not because I somehow think you are a bad person or anything, but because I’m utterly fascinated by this stuff–which is something I need to examine. Wondering if I need to be asking myself similar questions. Also, please feel free to tell me to fuck off any time!

            I’d posit that ‘it just happened, I didn’t really plan it’ plus ‘oh what happened wasn’t SO bad’ is a headspace of reasonable deniability of any *intent* to betray.

            Whereas ‘dude invited me for sex’ required you to explicitly say ‘yes’ and explicitly make an EFFORT to facilitate it. That is, there was NO way to do that and have ANY deniability about your intent to betray, plus the betrayal there is 100% vs what actually happened which might be 10% (are there percentages of betrayal? I’m going with it).

            In short: It’s hella EASIER to say no to BIG betrayals that require effort not least because they don’t fit with your own view of your ethical framework. Smaller ones that are laid in your path can be couched in a kind of grey area.

            Ferns

          • Well yes, you are giving me a hard time, but I appreciate it at some level. Am trying to not just be defensive because as I said in my post I’m working through all this. So other perspectives are good ones to see – because it helps me say “oh no that’s way off base” or “hmm something to it”.

            And I would never tell you to fuck off.

            I can see your point about big versus little infidelities. It’s an interesting one to ponder, so thank you for that.

    • I can perfectly understand this comment above. It’s a very interesting point. We are all different but When I am completely crazy about someone, during the infatuation stage, I tend to be automatically and completely focused on that person only. According a book I have read: β€œBefore the relationship grows into romantic love, you may feel attracted to several different individuals, addressing your attention to one, then another. But eventually you begin to concentrate your passion on just one. This phenomenon is related to the human inability to feel romantic passion for more than one person at a time.” (by romantic passion they do refer to that first stage).
      So my opinion would be the same as in: You still haven’t reached that ‘romantic’ state with Tony: whether that will ever happen or not, that’s a different story. Everyone is different and I know that with me, not being completely ‘nuts’ about someone for the first little while in a ‘relationship’ or ‘attachment process’ is a sign that I am not completely into them and that will probably never happen – But that’s just me.
      I am aware Some people take a while to develop these kind of emotions.

      Whatever your conclusion is – only you can know it – Good luck either way:)

      • Well I am going to posit an alternative. I am actually VERY much in that stage with Tony and fighting it every day. I am trying to pace myself so as to not end up in conflict with him. I can’t push him too far or too fast or he will end things – it will be too much for him.

        If he was meeting me with how I felt we would be crazy silly for each other, seeing each other every day, etc. That’s not good for where he is at, nor me right now. Last time I ended up married to someone who wasn’t the right partner for me. So I’m being cautious.

  7. Why would you feel bad for him? He’s a big boy. He knew what he was getting himself into.

    My benchmark is always, “Can I tell my wife?” You can swap out “wife” for “Tony.” Inappropriate behavior covers it shockingly (and depressingly) large spectrum of activities.

    • I feel bad because I created the opportunity. I didn’t have to offer a place to sleep. I didn’t really think the situation through that I was creating.

      That’s a good benchmark and I have been very pleased that I have been able to make the right decisions the vast majority of the time. This was the exception but at least it wasn’t worse.

  8. As Lady M wrote, it happened. It wasn’t the best decision but it’s done and you will learn from it. Remember, you yourself posted that you are indeed not infallible. Was it the ideal situation? No. Did you exercise restraint? Maybe though, it didn’t sound as if restraint was needed, meaning it didn’t seem like you were struggling with desire and not pulling him in closer and lifting your nighty πŸ˜‰ but rather the need for a cuddle might not have been the best filter when offering your blogging buddy the bed for a night.

    • Definitely not the best filter. And yes, it has given me things to think about…why I would put myself in that situation. And why that situation and not others? I am sincere in my desire to be exclusive with Tony. But I think I’ve got something to work through in that regard.

  9. You invited him to share your room, which was generous of you so you should pat yourself on the back for that. His hand did some, possibly, absent-minded stroking, and you were courteous back so, given the hang-over, sleepiness and general lack of awareness I would say, well-done for restraining yourself when others might not have done so, and to him for ‘knocking on the door’ but not barging in. The only better thing he could have done was to sleep on the floor with a pillow to comfort him, which would have been less companionable but still much cheaper than getting the late night train. πŸ™‚

  10. The way I read it was you were doing a friend a favor, and in the midst of too much to drink you made bad choices. I don’t think allowing him to stay the night was bad, but the hotel would have probably brought you a rollaway. Sleeping with no panties? Yeah maybe sent a mixed signal. It was intermixed. Old behaviours vs the new ones you are relearning with Tony. There was no real harm except what could be imagined if Tony knew the outlines of the story. I’d use it as a lesson to be learned.

    • Thank you. I do appreciate you saying that. While I’m not really beating myself up about it right now, it has made me think about a few different things with regard to our relationship.

  11. Well you f*cked up! Plain and simple. Sorry to be harsh, but I think from your comments you think the same. In my eyes, like yours, you crossed that line. Now depending on the type of person you are in response to your F’up can vary greatly as you can see from everyone’s comments. I think the “well done” is deserved in the fact that you realized this and know what you did is wrong. Most people just convince themselves why what they did wasn’t wrong or that bad.

    Yea, in my opinion it is not worth beating your self up over but I agree it would probably be best to re-evaluate the situation with him and most importantly tell him. It could be just that you are in a place in your life that being in a relationship is not for you right now. Maybe there is something missing with Tony, or maybe it doesn’t matter because this post was the beginning of May and everything has changed since then…Sorry only been addicted to your site for the last week. Trying to catch up but jumping all over the place.

    The question I have…What did you, if you did, tell Tony?

    • Thanks Fred. I am definitely ready to be in a relationship, although depending on the sexual component I may want to be with someone who is open to occasionally playing with others (together).

      I know you are jumping all over the place on the site so you will perhaps soon see that with Tony, yes there was something significant missing – his ability to commit and be emotionally available to me. It was ultimately our downfall, although there’s a part of me that still has hope.

      I didn’t tell Tony. I didn’t think any good would come of it, and it wasn’t as if I was going to continue doing what I had done.

      I’m flattered you are addicted to my stories. Pace yourself! There is a lot here πŸ™‚

      If you have any feedback on how to better coordinate my site, I welcome it!

      • That sounds like a great relationship and a fun one, but also sounds like it also could lead to trouble. Well in my world it would πŸ˜‰ I tend to be jealous with other men being with my love…And a hypocrite a well as I have always dreamed and am open to a threeway, but with two women. You describe it perfectly, what it must feel like with two mouths and four hand on you at once. The visuals and memories it must provide.

        I am sorry to hear about Tony as it seems like you really liked him and it just sucks when things don’t work out. Better to leave it though then regret it. I look forward to finding and reading the story. Hard to pace myself, terribly boring week at work, so thank you again for making my time fly. I have read so much, what do you suggest…maybe a hidden gem???

          • Where to start…Naturally, so far I would have to say “A unicorn walks into a swingers club”. Looking forward to part 5. It is not what brought me to the site but was some good reading. I like details, sex, but something where you get a little in depth about your thoughts…They are awesome! But as I wrote before you need to get a face shot, meaning a picture of your face πŸ˜‰ When you tell your “accident” story, I could only imagine the expression on your face when you were told what you did, so it would only make the story so much better! Well at least for me…

What do you think?