Friday night found me hanging out with Madeline and three other bloggers – all male. I drank copious amounts of red wine (shockingly, Madeline and I hated all three of the sparkling wines the wine bar served). We talked about blogging, life, dancing, how to get a Greenland view on ones blog, music, and anything else that came to mind. About pet peeves of bad writing and people who lack self awareness. Fashion and relationship advice may have been passed on. Jokes were told.
I made some new friends.
It was a wonderful fun evening which again reminded me how much I live to make connections with others. Will was so different from me in that regard.
One of the men missed his train home. He and I were texting back and forth and I offered that he could stay in my hotel room – but to be clear, I wasn’t going to f*ck him. He knows about Tony and although we had casually flirted, it was all in good fun.
However, I did say I could use a cuddle.
Was this good judgment? Perhaps not. It was after 2am and I was drunk and while I don’t use drunkenness as an excuse for bad behaviour, it definitely inhibits my decision making skills. It was honest, but not something I should have shared.
He was grateful for the offer to stay with me as it saved him from a very expensive ride home. He arrived to my room shortly after I did. We said hello and I finished getting ready for bed. I had brushed my teeth and taken out my contacts but I was too damn tired to take my makeup off.
Thank god I packed something to sleep in. He didn’t see me naked. I hopped into bed, as did he, and he wrapped his arms around me and it felt…nice.
We may have talked, but I don’t remember a lot of coherent conversation on my end. I do recall he told me I was a tease, and I said I was genuinely not trying to be. He inquired as to my drunken state. My brain was yelling at me that this was not a game and I was mad at myself for putting him in a position where he could have misinterpreted my invitation. This was neither a flirtation nor a game on my part, but I’m not sure he saw it that way.
And then I passed out.
He took no advantage of the situation, and he easily could have.
His alarm went off outrageously early, and he had to lean over me to turn it off. I tend to not move around much when I sleep, so I was in pretty much the same position as I was went I went to sleep. Without thinking, I backed up closer against him. We were spooning, his hand on my leg. I was falling in and out of sleep.
Whether equally in auto-pilot or deliberate, I do not know, but his hand started rubbing my leg. It was not an aggressive move, but I suppose but what most of us would do if our hand was on someone’s leg that we liked. Simple up and down movement, gently. Although as his hand moved from the outside of my thigh to my hip, he discovered my nightgown had ridden up overnight and that I don’t wear underwear to bed. He inquired and I said “oh I never do”.
I hadn’t even thought of it the night before. Whoops.
That might have been when I grabbed his hand to wrap his arm around me. I did not want to make the discovery an invitation, because it wasn’t. He rubbed the inside of my wrist. My arm. His face was against the back of my neck, and his mouth was in my hair and on my shoulder. I would wake up thinking – did he just gently kiss my shoulder? – and then I would fall back to sleep.
This was not an aggressive attempt at seduction. I can’t find the right words to describe how it was nice, more than predatory. I’ve been thinking a lot about whether that’s just how I would like to interpret it. But I don’t think so (feel free to argue).
At some point I released his hand and it once again travelled along my side, but this time he kept going upwards and it ended in a gentle squeeze of my right breast. I may have sighed, despite myself. I said it felt good, which it did. He asked why I hadn’t said “no”… so I said “no”. And he stopped.
Before he left the bed to get him, he pulled himself up so that he was over me. He said “there is something we haven’t done”. I told him I wasn’t going to kiss him, and we didn’t.
I’m very glad I was able to sleep, because hangovers aren’t fun at the best of times, let alone when I wake up and think “ohhhhhh shit, Ann, what the f*ck were you thinking”.
I am quite displeased with myself. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I am beating myself up, because that would be a lie. I didn’t even kiss this guy. Technically I didn’t even touch any parts of his body that would be inappropriate. But this is not about technicalities. I shared a bed with him. I spooned him, and I let him touch me. If the tables were turned and it was Tony doing the same thing, I would not be happy.
Probably worst for me is I feel bad that I put him in a position where he had to show restraint. This isn’t a game. I don’t get off on having a guy not be able to resist me. I’m no dummy, if I wanted something to happen, it would have. So I could certainly have made the situation less tempting.
I guess my feelings about the whole thing are unresolved. I didn’t do what perhaps I may have done a year ago. I laid in that bed thinking about Tony and feeling bad for the position I put my blogger friend in. He, being quite a decent guy, has accepted my apology and told me not to worry in the least. I know I overthink so am trying not to do that here. But we all know how hard that is for me sometimes.