His kimono is slowly being opened….

Some tidbits from my conversation with Tony late last night, after a couple of drinks, fantastic hors d’oeuvres, dinner made by me, a poker lesson, a relaxing session on my couch including ice cubes and a massage (courtesy of me), and sex.

And no, he didn’t ask about the empty reciprocating saw box in my bedroom.


Tony: [gives me a compliment of some sort that isn’t just “you are so sexy”. Wish I could remember what it was…]

Me: Wow! I’m going to cherish what you just said. Those compliments are few and far between [laughing, on top of him at the time…no, not having sex]

Tony (looking shocked): What do you mean?

Me: You aren’t exactly effusive with your compliments.

Tony: Well, okay… I liked the salad you made tonight.

Me: [laughing] That’s about the salad, not me.

Tony: [laughing] It’s about you because YOU MADE THE SALAD.

[I kinda see his point. Last night he said lots of great things, including: “hey I’m coming upstairs right now because I don’t want to talk to you from the bottom of your stairs and can’t wait to see you” and “you look amazing” and “wow, the fact that you are cooking for me is so great, and it’s sexy!” and “you are too good to me, thank you”, and “this dinner is amazing thank you”. So I need to think about what it is he’s not saying that I want to hear.]


Me: …you’ve been with women after your ex and before me?

Tony: Yes, I was. But none of them were…dateable.


Me: when you think of me, what do think about?

Tony: you mean like word association?

Me: sure.

Tony: fun…learning…we like to do things and learn new things together…you’re someone who I can talk to, who understands what I’m going through…I like talking to you [and yes, there were others, but I forget 🙁 ]


Me: do you have any desire to date other women?

Tony: hunh? [I may have woken him up with that one]

Me: do you have any desire to date other women? I mean, I remember what it was like when I first became single…

Tony: No, I don’t. I’m enjoying what we are doing. I mean, there are women who I want to date. They probably don’t even know I’m single yet. Those who I remember saying to myself “I’m gonna ask that makeup girl out when I’m single”. But I know the grass is always greener and people aren’t as they seem…

[At this point, I’m a little uncomfortable, even though he finished that sentence with another phrase of reassurance that he likes what we have going on. But, I needed to followup.]

Me: Well, I want to be a CHOICE, not a DEFAULT.

Tony: Oh, you are definitely a choice. Definitely.

[And then he decided instead of leaving, we would set the alarm for 5:45am so he wouldn’t be late for his sport lesson with his son.]


My working at being okay with where we are continues. I really liked that he opened up to me last weekend on our date. I know he doesn’t do that with most people, so I think it shows he trusts me.

He is also forward looking. He doesn’t shy away from thinking into the future – although his work schedule honestly is a challenge, because it’s not consistent. He refers to Friday’s as “Ann nights”. I am taking him to the symphony on Wednesday. He’s hopefully going to come up to a country place for a few days with me and my son and friends, in a couple of weeks. And best of all? He’s coming to a party I’m having in a few weeks. He will meet my friends. They will meet him.

0 thoughts on “His kimono is slowly being opened….

  1. Annie,

    Brilliant. I love your statement to him about being a CHOICE and not a DEFAULT. That is one that I will always remember. Can’t wait to follow where your journey with T takes you.

    • Thank you! Those words were skulking around in my brain this past week as I was trying to think about what I was worried about with him – and it came down to my being the first person he’s dated and perhaps I’m easy and good enough, etc (hence, default). Versus actually saying “wow this woman is amazing and she’s who I would choose if I could have anyone”.

      Thanks for following my journey. I’m eager to see how it goes as well, although trying to be patient which is admittedly not my strong suit.

    • Thanks for the dope-slap. Now I have to figure out how to make my wife of 25 years feel like a CHOICE every day and not simply my DEFAULT.

      • Cameron, it certainly wasn’t intended as such!! But yes, I suppose you should. I think that definitely happens in relationships…at some point, of course our partner is our default. But ultimately we always have a choice, and how wonderful to feel like someone continues to be our choice 🙂

  2. Your delving further into the relationship status via the choice versus default discussion was inspired and skillful, Ann; you gained some verbal reassurance and avoided those pesky labels. Well done!

    As far as the compliments thing … my DH was terrible – TERRIBLE! – about complimenting me for the first 6 or 7 years of our relationship. He once told me he “demonstrates” he cares, to which I replied that sometimes a girl just wants to hear kind words and be reassured, and saying “I love you” more than once or twice a year and “you are beautiful” in response to whether or not I look fat, old, or frumpy is appropriate and should not have be pried out of his mouth with pliers. We laugh about it now, but it remains in the top 5 of our intense discussions through the years. He’s definitely gotten better about it as we have solidified and grown together, so try to maintain your patience and continue sharing/schooling him on such matters.

  3. I am experiencing a mixture of laughing, eye rolling and head-shaking. Girlfriend, boyfriend, choice, default, yada. Tony is both a good – hearted normal guy and an enigma (or is trying hard to be one).

    I love how you are both feeling comfortable with each other with both questions and responses.

What do you think?