Part Two | Getting stoned, having a nipple orgasm, and opening up

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I had been warned in advance but it was still a rude awakening – literally – when Tony’s yelp of happiness at the right team scoring a goal jolted me awake.

It was only 7am.

While we crashed early the night before, I could have used a few more hours of rest. But I was unable to get back to sleep. I grabbed a sweater and padded downstairs, otherwise naked, to join him on the couch. It was the first football game (American translation: soccer) I watched with him. I curled up with my head on his chest and wrapped myself in a blanket.

We chatted here and there but mainly I just watched him watching the game. I could tell he was distracted – it was worse than the night before. I asked him if he was alright and he explained the fight with his ex was still weighing heavily. I knew more than to pry.

The last time I was over he was out of milk. He’s an espresso drinker (pet peeve alert – it’s eSpresso, not eXpresso). This time he had neither coffee nor milk. He recognized he was a terrible host but promised next time would be better.

The game ended and he was happy the right team won. He told me I should know where I stand with him (or some such phrase) given he was going to miss HIS team’s game to have breakfast with me. He’s a huge fan, so this is not done lightly.

When I insinuated I wanted sex before breakfast, he told me he was too tired but he promised me many orgasms before I went home that day. For a generally sweet and softspoken guy, the dominant side really does come out every so often. When we went upstairs to get dressed he kneeled on the bed and reached over to pull me to him. Change of heart – or cock – and I was certainly not going to complain!

He took me from behind and managed to come twice. He told me how sexy he thought I was, he loved that position and liked seeing my hands grabbing various parts of the bed, especially as I came.

We left his place and went for breakfast. Arriving before our restaurant of choice opened, we went nearby and had coffee. I forget now how it came up, but he said he wasn’t an open book. I retorted that not only was he not an open book, I would call him a closed book.

So he opened it for me.

I felt like I was in a forest with a deer. If I made any sudden movements, the animal would be spooked and run away. I nodded and listened and occasionally made some brief comments. But I just let him talk.

He told me about his relationship troubles. Being accused of having an affair because he had a close female friend who would do things his wife refused to do – like go to sports events. That his wife wasn’t fun. She was the person telling him he had to leave the party early, even way back when they were in their 20s.

He told me she yelled at him the day before that he had to get his life in order, among other things. She didn’t listen to him yet complained he didn’t tell her about what was going on.

He needs time to think, time to figure out what it is that he wants. That for so long it’s been about what they wanted. He doesn’t know what he wants to do. Doesn’t know what to do about some things regarding the job choices he has. He needs time to just travel and get his head in order.

He told me he misses his son terribly. That it breaks his heart when he asks “why aren’t you staying at our house, Daddy?” when he leaves. That he misses the family unit, spending time together as a family. But when it’s just the two of them – his ex and him – it’s bad.

I thanked him for trusting me and for opening up to me.

Over food I asked him if he missed her or the family construct (one being specific to a person, the other being about the relationship). He said it was the latter, it wasn’t that he wanted to be with his ex again.

I told him he could have that again. That my comment wasn’t about me specifically, but he could have those things he wanted. Someone fun, who he could do things with, and integrate into his relationship with his son. He looked at me like he hadn’t considered it before.

A long time ago I wrote about the change curve. It was in relation to my breakup with Johnny Id. But reality is it applies to any change. Perhaps I should share it with him. He’s not on the other side yet, he doesn’t know what’s possible and that he can get the life he wants.

He drove me home. We joked that this was a date fail – we were super tired and he wasn’t in a good place. Then we realized it was all relative, and he said “I still saw rainbows and unicorns”.

We cuddled in my bed before he had to go. Our conversation got rather steamy and we kissed and he masturbated, promising me he would try to not do it as much and see what happens. He’s not on a project this week so he’s hoping he can come visit one night. I’m supposed to see him again on Friday night for a date. I’m taking him to the Symphony the following Wednesday – and – the best thing? He may come with me for a few nights to a friends country place, with children in tow. Perhaps an opportunity for some Cialis action?

My window into his mind and his conflicts just reinforces what I’ve known since our first date. We are definitely not in the same place. But perhaps that’s okay. Perhaps I just need to give him some time, which I can also use to gauge our compatibility. Or perhaps he just likes me because I’ve made things simple for him – I’m a good companion and will fuck him when he wants, I don’t demand much of him, and at some point he will move on.

I have no way to know. But I’m trying to not overthink it.

0 thoughts on “Part Two | Getting stoned, having a nipple orgasm, and opening up

  1. No, don’t overthink this. You are in different places right now, but it doesn’t mean it is bad or that it won’t work. I think it was a great thing for him to open up to you like that Ann! It shows a step in the right direction (again). Just trust yourself Ann. I think this will work out. It sure sounds like it will to me. I understand his feelings about his son. He has to figure out that the ex is just that, and the only concerns should be about his son. Walk away when she starts in about what he “should” be doing with his life. It’s none of her business anymore.

    • Thanks, Julie.

      Thats what I told him as well…that the best thing about moving on is that there become many things that are no longer your problem. But he’s got to start that pulling away, and it’s difficult.

      • Just had a similar conversation with a girl at work. She is making herself insane with what she expects her ex to be doing. Stop it. It isn’t your worry. If he doesn’t want to work, so what? Not your problem, he will have to figure out how one lives without an income. Yes, it is difficult, especially if the relationship was long term, and the circumstances of divorce. Everyone figures it out on their own terms I guess. Your lives are no longer intertwined and what your ex does is their responsibility alone.

        • The only exception Julie is when it relates to children.

          Unfortunately my life will always be intertwined with my ex because we share parenting responsibilities. So some decisions he makes impact me…such as moving away and leaving me as a single parent, or deciding to take a much lower paying job.

          When it comes to Tony and his ex, they seem to still be even working through things like when he will have his son overnight. It’s messy and no doubt stressful. I was lucky I had an easy and fast decision making period, but it was also unusual.

          • Agreed. I shared and deleted several times when I commented. My experiences and feelings for my ex. Which would help understanding where I am coming from, but that’s all. It wouldn’t have helped your situation.

          • when my ex left us, he did so knowing that I would do whatever I needed to do to care for my children. He had no worries at all. So I guess that is part of my mind frame too. I have been primary care giver for all their lives. I have come to terms with it as his loss. I am still very angry with how I allowed him to treat me. And how he treats my children. He’s a grade A jerk who’s only concern is himself. This is why I can say with such ease that your lives are separate. I am also a lot further down the road than either you or Tony. Mr. Wonderful left in ’98 when my babies were 7 and 5. I’ll spare you the math, they are now 24 and 22. I am truly at a place where I don’t ever have to speak to him again, and he has done such a stellar job at parenting I doubt my son will invite him to his graduation from college this June, or if either of them will even tell him if/when they decide to marry.

          • I’m so sorry that’s how things turned out for you. But it sounds like perhaps for you it was for the best. Yes, you are definitely down the road farther than I am, and sounds like our situations are different in some ways. I’m sure what you’ve been through was very difficult and my heart goes out to your children as well.

          • Thank you Ann. It was an abusive relationship and we (me and the kids) are definitely better off without him.

  2. I think the way you describe him is how I’d describe my current state. Minus the child… Be patient (as you are being) and if he is indeed right for you don’t let the poor timing ruin it.

    • Thank you Marie. I have to remind myself that this pace is good for me right now. I can’t take on a lot more, but emotionally I would like a little more.

      Yesterday I was in a bit of a funk about this but he called me on his way to a sports practice and it lifted my spirits. We had a fun chat and confirmed some dates for things and things seemed pretty good.

  3. Don’t overthink! You’re in different places, and he sounds like he has a bit of a way to go. That he likes you and your company is probably a big step onto an unstable cliff, given the rawness he still feels about the breakup. It has to be scary for him to even contemplate sometimes. Patience and time is the order of the day (though not so much that you are making sacrifices you aren’t comfortable with). We are all pulling for this, it seems. 🙂

  4. Ann, this post is an example of how you are avoiding your normal tendencies which is a boatload of thought. I won’t accuse you of over-thinking this relationship – Tony certainly trusted you with a lot of details about him – and it doesn’t seem like you are doing that. You are a very cerebral-dominant person (you don’t lead with your heart) and it seems that Tony has a lot of similarities in this regard.

    Perhaps he is over-thinking things as a way to protect himself (he is still quite obviously hurting) and this is why he is adamant about himself not being labeled as your boyfriend. It is also clear (to me) that he is behaving as though he has a deeper relationship desire with you but is troubled with the idea of sounding like he is committed (as if the girlfriend label is going to be problematic if he allows it to be applied to you). I seriously doubt that he sees you as being merely “a good companion and will fuck him when he wants,” free from demands and readily disposable.

    His behavior (IMO) speaks about his true feelings for you, but the pain of the past is still too recent.

  5. Tony sounds like a very conflicted guy. Or a guy who can’t quite let go of what he thinks he is supposed to do. All I know about the man is what you write, but my reading of this entry is revealing to me…or I’m just talking out of my ass. lol Tony was married to a bossy, reserved and probably cold woman. I’m willing to bet you a drink (whenever we ever meet) that he grew up with a mother who was somewhat similar. He was/is accustomed to being treated that way by women, and it’s comfortable because it is familiar. Your description of his tentativeness about opening up sounds like a man who isn’t accustomed to feeling safe and supported in emotional intimacy. He is used to having his feelings not validated by his ex, or even feeling “punished” for sharing. He opened up to you because he is starting to trust you, and that is a good thing. If you can be warm and supportive, more will come.
    I say all that because the way you describe his ex reminds me some of my wife. Again, I could be entirely wrong.
    The bit about his sexual dysfunction doesn’t make sense to me. Either he’s a pathological masterbator or that’s a cover. There is more to that story.

  6. I’m sorry–perhaps I haven’t been paying close enough attention–but how long has he been divorced? Sound like it’s still a fresh flesh wound and his new lifestyle is something that needs to be gotten used to (for lack of a better term). If I couldn’t see my daughters I think I’d curl up and die. I feel for the guy.

    Why do you have to be in the same place? That’s never a permanent state, anyway.

What do you think?