That’s the question of the day. I was supposed to see Tony on Friday but he ended up working until well after midnight. Then it was supposed to be tonight… tonight looked like a good chance, he said.
No word from him all day. I know when he’s working sometimes it’s like that. At 6pm I checked in and he said chances were slim: less than 25%.
As much as I am trying to be all chill about not seeing him, and as much as I know it is good to have some time and space, at times like these I most certainly DO NOT like it at all.
Is it too much to ask to be a smidge of a priority, once in a while? Example: Sunday night he went to a Superbowl party. He could have chosen to leave after the game ended and come by for a drink or two just to say hi. But nope.
Is it too much to ask to occasionally get a phone call, even when he’s in transit somewhere? Just to hear his voice instead of being relegated to some text messages here and there?
I know he likes me, I really do. I don’t think he’s with others and I don’t think he’s lost interest. I think he’s just busy and relatively newly single and I know he doesn’t want something crazy intense.
Putting aside my emotional needs for a moment, here’s the thing.
I’M HORNY AS FUCK.
I know that expression doesn’t make actual sense but you get where I’m coming from. My libido hasn’t diminished. It goes from wanting to have sex every single day more than once (the usual) to feeling like I’m crawling out of my skin I want to be fucked so bad. Which can happen when I’m close to menstruating and it lasts for more than a couple of days.
So, what are my options?
Masturbate like crazy. Check.
Nope, doesn’t help. Makes it worse.
Find others to assist with my needs?
When I look around at some of my friends, or read blogs, I see infidelity everywhere. So simple…just find someone else. Am I not justified given my needs aren’t being met? It could be just about sex, no emotional attachment. Easy peasy.
Tony wouldn’t have to know, I would be sexually satisfied, I’m sure I could justify it over and over again, and even get people here to support me in that decision (no offense, it’s just we are super supportive).
But you know what?
No. I’m not going to do that. Despite being asked by the Comedian to see me on the weekend, knowing he wants to “consummate our relationship”. Despite having a hot young stud with a big cock from FetLife reach out to me last week. Despite getting a lovely offer from my other FetLife guy I’ve yet to write about. Despite having Jason tell me he had the day off today and would have gladly “come” had I asked (and that “no one has to know, we can just be play things”).
Nope. Nope. Nope.
Because while Tony wouldn’t know, I would know. At the end of the day, it’s as simple as that.
I never cheated on Will. Fidelity was something I held in very high esteem – my Dad was a serial cheater, starting when my Mom was pregnant with me. When I was married, I never touched another man until hearing for many months that Will didn’t care if I was with others.
Given I continued for a while with a lover after Will told me he was “just kidding” (which was bullshit), I suppose one could argue I cheated. But that’s a discussion for another day.
So while I’ve been no angel these last 18 months, one thing I know is this is not how I want to start a new relationship. One that has real potential. One where the other party would surely not be so understanding if I explained my libido and needs made me do it.
Perhaps I will falter. I’m not infallible. If temptation crossed my path and put his hand on my waist and his mouth on my neck, I would really struggle. I’m scheduled to see a few people on an upcoming business trip whom I’m sure will tempt me sorely.
So no. Today I am going to be strong. I will not let base instincts and selfishness and justifications take over.
At least for today.