Why not just cheat like everyone else?

That’s the question of the day. I was supposed to see Tony on Friday but he ended up working until well after midnight. Then it was supposed to be tonight… tonight looked like a good chance, he said.

No word from him all day. I know when he’s working sometimes it’s like that. At 6pm I checked in and he said chances were slim: less than 25%.


As much as I am trying to be all chill about not seeing him, and as much as I know it is good to have some time and space, at times like these I most certainly DO NOT like it at all.

Is it too much to ask to be a smidge of a priority, once in a while? Example: Sunday night he went to a Superbowl party. He could have chosen to leave after the game ended and come by for a drink or two just to say hi. But nope.

Is it too much to ask to occasionally get a phone call, even when he’s in transit somewhere? Just to hear his voice instead of being relegated to some text messages here and there?

I know he likes me, I really do. I don’t think he’s with others and I don’t think he’s lost interest. I think he’s just busy and relatively newly single and I know he doesn’t want something crazy intense.

Putting aside my emotional needs for a moment, here’s the thing.


I know that expression doesn’t make actual sense but you get where I’m coming from. My libido hasn’t diminished. It goes from wanting to have sex every single day more than once (the usual) to feeling like I’m crawling out of my skin I want to be fucked so bad. Which can happen when I’m close to menstruating and it lasts for more than a couple of days.

So, what are my options?

Masturbate like crazy. Check.

Nope, doesn’t help. Makes it worse.

Find others to assist with my needs?

When I look around at some of my friends, or read blogs, I see infidelity everywhere. So simple…just find someone else. Am I not justified given my needs aren’t being met? It could be just about sex, no emotional attachment. Easy peasy.

Tony wouldn’t have to know, I would be sexually satisfied, I’m sure I could justify it over and over again, and even get people here to support me in that decision (no offense, it’s just we are super supportive).

But you know what?

No. I’m not going to do that. Despite being asked by the Comedian to see me on the weekend, knowing he wants to “consummate our relationship”. Despite having a hot young stud with a big cock from FetLife reach out to me last week. Despite getting a lovely offer from my other FetLife guy I’ve yet to write about. Despite having Jason tell me he had the day off today and would have gladly “come” had I asked (and that “no one has to know, we can just be play things”).

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Because while Tony wouldn’t know, I would know. At the end of the day, it’s as simple as that.

I never cheated on Will. Fidelity was something I held in very high esteem – my Dad was a serial cheater, starting when my Mom was pregnant with me. When I was married, I never touched another man until hearing for many months that Will didn’t care if I was with others.

Given I continued for a while with a lover after Will told me he was “just kidding” (which was bullshit), I suppose one could argue I cheated. But that’s a discussion for another day.

So while I’ve been no angel these last 18 months, one thing I know is this is not how I want to start a new relationship. One that has real potential. One where the other party would surely not be so understanding if I explained my libido and needs made me do it.

Perhaps I will falter. I’m not infallible. If temptation crossed my path and put his hand on my waist and his mouth on my neck, I would really struggle. I’m scheduled to see a few people on an upcoming business trip whom I’m sure will tempt me sorely.

So no. Today I am going to be strong. I will not let base instincts and selfishness and justifications take over.

At least for today.

0 thoughts on “Why not just cheat like everyone else?

  1. I have faith in you to do the right thing, you didn’t let me down :). Being cheated on is so hurtful, and totally not the way to start a relationship– you are right about that.

    • It comes down to expectations for me – we had the exclusivity conversation and I need to stick to that. If I can’t handle it, then I have a choice to make – but I don’t think going behind his back is an option.

      It’s not dissimilar from my divorce choice. Since I was that fundamentally unhappy, I had a choice to make. Cheating and justifying it for the long term didn’t feel like the right choice.-

  2. This is so painful to read, Ann! Why not cheat like everyone else? Because we know that there will always be wreckage left behind. Your knowledge of such an action will be too much for your to bear even if he never found out.

    You don’t strike me as someone who can stuff something down and live life having hurt someone who you care about.

      • It brings back memories of when Will was gone in the military. There were long periods of time when he couldn’t call (there wasn’t email, then).

        • Ah. I thought it was something about my own experience / words.

          Yes I can see how the military absence would be brutal – one of my friends husbands was in the navy and she had three little children… I know you can relate to that!

          • We didn’t have kids when Will served (thankfully). It was hard enough with just me and the dog home alone.

  3. Soooo, you really, really like Tony because you are really committing to this relationship. You are allowing yourself to be vulnerable and putting the relationship before your own needs. In my business world we say “great risk must yield great reward”. I’m hopeful you will gain great rewards with Tony.

  4. Alright. The only way I see out of this is to talk to Tony about it.
    Explain the fact that, though you are committed to this relationship, you are not satisfied sexually. That you need to see him at least once a week, if not twice or more, and have satisfying sex with him on those occasions. That you love the othre side of the relationship, the connection, the discussions etc… but you need, your body NEEDS more than it is receiving at the moment.
    Does he have ideas on how to solve that problems? You are willing to try anything at the moment…
    And see where that leads you πŸ™‚

    • It’s good advice – sadly there is no way I can see him more than once a week, maybe twice. Neither of our schedules allow it. And we don’t have a lot of phone calls. Mostly text.

      But I do need to have the discussion – at the right time – to figure out a way we can be more connected, emotionally and physically.

      • Yes. The conversation is important…
        Good luck with finding the right time! I know how hard it can be when one doesn’t see each other often enough :-/

          • Ah! He doesn’t want something too serious?
            Well, tell him that he has two options: either he manages to satisfy you, and that involves more sexual interaction than you’re getting (and some of it could be phone sex, it’s not as bad as it sounds, and is much better than masturbation). But it means that he needs to up his game, otherwise the relationship may not be serious but may not last long either… just my two cents πŸ˜‰

          • Well when we had the “exclusivity” conversation, we both agreed we wanted something more than casual, and less than see each other every day, spend every waking hour in touch, meet all family members, kind of intensity.

            So that’s all…but I need a bit more than what I’m getting. I will tell him to up his game!!

  5. Tough place to be in but I think having a conversation too soon could scare Tony away a bit. I think it needs a little more time unfortunately … And maybe hint dropping. But an all out conversation may put too much pressure on him.

  6. No cheating…. But if you’ve committed to exclusivity I think Tony could do a better job at carving out time for you. All you’re asking for is a phone call but I think you should be asking for more than that. Your schedule isn’t any less full that his and you’re willing to make an effort, so he should, too! I’m with you on the horny as fuck and no satisfaction thing though, ugh.

    • YES. I agree… I would like just a little bit more from him. But I also don’t want to push him for fear of taking things too fast and having him back away.

      I would like to ask for more…just a few phone calls throughout the week to continue to build a relationship. I almost feel like he’s used to what he would do in a “mature” relationship (he met his ex at age 22) but it’s very different when you are at the start of things.

      • If a few phone calls will scare him off he probably isn’t right for you. I bet though that he is just busy and it hasn’t occurred to him that you might need more than the occasional text and once a week semi-erections.

        • OMG I’m howling in my office, Hollie. Thank you for that.

          I agree that yes, probably hasn’t occurred to him. When I told him I wanted to hear more from him via text (a few weeks ago), he did say he would make an effort and most days, I see the results of that.

          Semi-erections. Ha ha ha.

  7. Ann, I am being proven wrong very early on in with this post and subsequent comments (it is still early). πŸ˜‰

    You know how I feel. Current scheduling challenges don’t necessarily translate to future ones. It is part of the process of learning about each other. You already know this, so there isn’t a need to belabor it.

    I also know that you won’t cheat, so this also isn’t a concern that I have for you (though I feel for you and your unmet needs).

    This leaves the most difficult part of this post. The level of communication and how it isn’t meeting your expectations along with you not feeling comfortable enough to start addressing some of these points with him. I realize that there is a fine line between being overbearing (needy) and solid in your two-way communications needs. You are trying to remain sensitive to him but almost to a fault – you are sitting on your hands, concerned that he will respond negatively.

    I like Tony a lot. He seems to be a level-headed, all around good man which leads me to believe that he would be open to listening to you deal with these needs. Also, I think that he has been out of the dating world long enough that he takes certain nuances of relationship building for granted (like communication).

    Take a risk, Ann. Have a conversation with him (when he is available).

    • Its tough Ann. It really is….part of me thinks Tony is keeping you on the backburner. In my own advice, if I like someone, I WANT to see them. I WANT to make time to see them no matter how little it is.

      The first 4 months with my ex we saw each other maybe 45 minutes a night, if that. Enough for a good romp and pass out for 20 minutes. The only time we had to be with each other 24/7 was vacations and maybe the occaisonal weekend when I managed to get a saturday off. He could have come by for a little after the Superbowl, honestly..even if it was just ‘hi’, a smile and a kiss or three. Given my hectic work/gym schedule, if I met someone I would re-arrange either to spend more time to get to know them better. Or just find a woman who likes to lift hahahaha.

      Thats how I look at it.

      • I completely understand what you are saying and it’s definitely in my head… is he keeping me at (relative) arms length or truly all that busy and just wanting to maintain space.

        But yeah, I’d like a bit more show of preference, I suppose.

  8. Good for you Ann! You are so right! Then again, I feel guilty for just about everything. You are above it and I think it is a very wise move for you if you want to see where this might go with Tony. Which you most obviously do.

      • I guess it’s in my wiring. I don’t know really, but it seems like that’s how I have been my whole life. Maybe it stems from my strong desire to keep everyone happy. I applaud your choice.

        • It’s hard for me to know that I’ve angered or disappointed someone. But generally I’m okay with conflict – I just always hope that people forgive me afterwards. When they don’t, it REALLY bothers me.

          I had a friend, who stopped engaging with me in the Fall, and it still bugs me.

  9. One bit of advice I have read in some books about relationships is that a woman shouldn’t commit to exclusivity until a guy is doing enough for her to make her happy to be exclusive with him. The guy has to show you that he will be there for you. It sounds to me like exclusivity means a lot less to Tony than it does to you. He’s newly out of a long relationship, he’s very busy; it sounds like his needs for companionship just aren’t as developed as yours and he doesn’t want to bother dating a bunch of people right now. I know you agreed to be exclusive so that you could have the assurance that he wasn’t dating anyone else, and because you want to “see where it goes” with him, but it doesn’t sound so far like he’s really given you enough for you to feel like this is the relationship you want. I think you mean need to reevaluate, and let him know that if he is going to earn your exclusivity that he needs to show you more engagement. At one point I dated a guy who was recently divorced. He agreed to be exclusive with me and said he wasn’t dating anyone else. As the relationship started to become a little more serious, he balked. He said he wasn’t ready for a girlfriend. After that he dated around for another couple years, now he has a new girlfriend who is just like his ex-wife. I share this to say that in that situation when he agreed to exclusivity with me it was like he hadn’t really thought at all about what that really might mean. He was so new to dating again that he was just going along with whatever. And from my perspective, I gave him my exclusivity and emotional attachment before he had really done enough to earn it.

    • I haven’t had that conversation specifically but I do think I’ve mentioned coming out of a sexless marriage and probably that physical stuff is important.

      Those conversations were middle of the night ones and to be honest I don’t remember the specifics.

      But I haven’t told him my philosophy on sex every day, for example πŸ™‚

  10. I like the above comment a lot. I agree completely. That being said, my husband does enough to keep me exclusively and sometimes I still desire not to be – but just like you, I do it honestly. Because yes, I would know, and my father also was a cheater, and it is painful and hurtful.
    And just like you, when I get so horny that I don’t know what to do, I keep it one day at a time.

    • I do think I may have trouble in a long term relationship where there isn’t an opportunity to “play”… but that’s just a theory for me right now. I’m glad you get enough to be okay with exclusivity.

      But exactly like you, honesty is important to me. I suppose I could be unfaithful as a one off (although I never was in my marriage) but nothing like an affair.

      Okay, one day at a time. Noted. Breathing in and out.

  11. I just realized something else (one of those ‘duh!’ moments):
    If you needed to cheat this early in a relationship, then you may as well get out. It would mean he’s not committed to finding out what is important to you and you’re not committed to solving problems together. Or to him physically for that matter. Neither good omens :-/
    So the fact you decided not to consider cheat ing is a good indication that you want to give this a chance. Now you need to work on the other issues… πŸ™‚

    • Energy for what…sex? Phone calls?

      I am a full time parent to my son who is young. I have one night free a week where my parents take him overnight. Other than that, I have no free time to give.

      Or did I misunderstand your comment?

  12. Communication. It’s so important.

    Talk to him about it. You guys should at least have a date night a week. Or try to.
    If you aren’t connecting regularly how on earth are you meant to have a stable relationship? That includes decent sexy times.

    But more than anything, what i got from this post is that you both need to talk. Openly and candidly.

    If he can’t handle it then maybe he isn’t right for you.

    • Thanks Sharn. Great advice. I do want to talk to him about it – respect his need for space and time but also get my needs addressed as well.

      We aren’t that far apart… it’s not like I can realistically see someone several times a week anyway. But I need more – and you are right, I need to tell him that so we can find something that works for both of us.

      I think he can handle it. We shall see, I suppose!

      • Well, I guess for me that’s what I’d do.

        I totally get you wanting to give him his time and space – however telling him that shouldn’t be so hard before delving into what you need from him to feel a bit more important in his life.

        I was thinking more 1 night a week as being date night. Cern and I tend to go out and do something – like last night we went to Korean BBQ. Or go for a walk around the harbour together one night a week and just reconnect, catch up and spend time without distractions. You know?

        I hope you guys do find something that gives you some balance =) And don’t forget to address the whole shagging thing, it’s so important!!!

        <3 xoxox

  13. I admire you stand fir in what you belief. having been a cheater I know it doesn’t feel well at all even more so like you described in the beginning of something possibly good.

    Yeah I learned my lesson the hard way.. And though we are still human keep up that chin And be proud of any accomplishment.

    No hugs just in case..My mind is just as troubled to lol

    • Sorry to hear you are troubled, friend πŸ™

      There are definitely things I’ve done that I’m not proud of, and that I regret. So my decision around this is rooted in those experiences.

      Definitely human, definitely falliable. But also right now, not going to make a choice to do something I might regret later.

  14. Correct decision. Be frustrated, but in the spirit of open communication, let him know at the appropriate time Until then, run up the bill for fresh batteries…

  15. Hmmmmm

    Okay, so let me ask you. How would you want Tony to tackle any issues he was having with yours and his relationship?

    Would you want him to be open, honest, and transparent with you even if it meant some feelings might get hurt and/or it raised some red flags?


    Would you want him to beat around the bush with you, dropping hints and only giving you tidbits of what he needs or wants out of the relationship only to find out weeks or months later you can’t give him all the things he desires?

    Whatever your answer to how you would want him to approach you is how you need to approach him and if he is the kind of person you need him to be then the direct approach won’t scare him away. Just my opinion anyway.

    • Ah, Tis. Thank you. This is brilliant advice.

      Of course I would want the first thing. You are right…even if it means that I get hurt or he raises flags, I would much prefer to have the open discussion.

      It’s why I actually don’t mind when guys play their hands about wanting sex-only right away. It means I’m clear and can make a decision.

      I suppose I’m afraid if I push too fast, he will pull away even if ultimately we would be a good match, because he’s so newly single. But I definitely want to be with someone who can communicate, and not just freak out, and with whom I can find the right approach to issues.

      • I wish you luck in your conversation with him. The great thing with removing the filter so to speak is that it leaves no questions to where each other stand. Better he know who you are now and you him, I mean this stuff right here is what will determine if you are a good match or not.

      • Ann, when I read this at 2:54 this morning, I asked myself, “What is wrong with this woman?” You wanna be exclusive with Tony and I get that… but sealing up the bond is gonna take time so why would you even think about cheating? Then I thought, “Shit, if he doesn’t ‘officially’ belong to her, it’s not cheating if she has to go get hers…”

        Then I thought, “She can’t be a fan of exclusivity and have an urge to cheat at the same time – that kinda defeats the purpose of being exclusive!”

        Then I thought, “Some would say that even when you have permission to cheat, it’s still cheating… but I wouldn’t say that it is and I know it’s probably just me…”

        Then I thought, “Fuck me, I’m tired; I want to say these things Ann but my noodle is cooked…”

        Wide awake now, I will say to you to be patient with Tony; if he’s recently single, sure, he might be taking a break from being serious even though he wants to be serious with you. I get that you need to get laid – shit, who doesn’t? – but if you’re expecting him to just drop whatever he’s doing to attend to your needs, you’re probably asking too much of him this early in the game and, yeah, he does have a life and things to do just like anyone else does.

        Be patient if you want to be exclusive with this man. Sure, let him know how horny you are and that you want him to deal with it – then work it all out because this is a management situation; you both need to get everything lined up so that your need to be exclusive can be handled. If you push it, that might not be a good thing; I thought that if I were him and you were leaning on me like this,it might make me think twice about you, not that you’re a bad person to be with. But if I just got single and even if I want to be with you, I need to get things lined up so that I can be with you whenever I can, do the other things I need to do in my life, and not let myself get spooked because you want more than I’m capable of giving right now.

        I read your “follow-up” piece about him calling you and, wow, you were just fine and dandy, weren’t you? Any relationship takes time to gel, Ann, and it’s hard to rein in your desires in the beginning and you have to if this exclusivity is important to you; if it is important, don’t you ever think about cheating again and then let being impatient be the reason, okay?


        • Thank you for taking the time to write this all out. I didn’t have so much of a desire to cheat as much as trying to process how to deal with my libido and my desire to be exclusive with him.

          I absolutely *don’t* expect him to drop everything on my account. I like that he’s busy and has his own life and is sorting his shit out. In fact, the person I want to be with needs to have their own life, as I do mine.

          I’m being patient in a way I’ve probably never been before in my entire life. In all other cases I’ve pushed and prodded and felt justified in “just telling them how I feel” and what I’m recognizing now is there is a balance between what I need and what they need. Sometimes a bit of space will get me what I want.

          The other thing I’ve realized is that it’s good for me too – in some ways, him insisting on pacing things makes me do the same, when it’s not my normal course of action. It allows me to not get too far down an emotional path before I really get to know someone. It happened in my marriage and other relationships.

          I wouldn’t say everything is fine and dandy with that one phone call – I still need to get to a place where I feel like we have a good balance AND enough contact to continue to develop a relationships.

          BUT it felt really nice to know he was thinking about me.

          And finally – YES SIR. I shall not contemplate cheating (in fact I had a conversation with the comedian last night that made me feel rather uncomforable, so I know my head is firmly in the exclusive realm). I will try to be patient. Thanks for your patience with me πŸ™‚

  16. Do you really want to have another lover? Tony himself is consuming your emotional energy as it is. I think you are a little bit bitter about him not being that communicative, which is fair.
    Just chill out. Do some exercise. It helps with the sexual tension πŸ™‚
    And from your last post, I can see that Tony did call you, so all is good now?

    • No I don’t particularly want another lover at this point, other than for fulfilling sexual needs.

      It’s partly why I’m happy to be exclusive with Tony right now… I don’t have a lot of time or energy for anything else. But I DO have to get the balance right of what I need from him.

      I wouldn’t say all is good, but it gave me hope that he understands at some level and is interested in me like I’m interested in him.

What do you think?