When do you tell someone about your promiscuous past, if ever?

Given my near miss last week of almost spilling the beans about this blog, I’ve been thinking a lot about the topic.

I’m not on the verge of telling Tony, but I do want to form an opinion and be ready for it. It has been 17 years since I was in a situation where I talked with my sexual history with someone I was in a relationship with.

How much to do you tell a boyfriend about a relatively promiscuous past? Are you in the “tell-all” camp, or do you leave out things that you feel might be overwhelming or disconcerting? What, if anything, do you keep a secret?

When you have written about many of your sexual escapades in a blog, when and how do you tell someone about that?

I’m curious what you all think – what you think is right for me, what you’ve done when faced with similar situations, and the pros and cons of various options.

0 thoughts on “When do you tell someone about your promiscuous past, if ever?

  1. I share that I am promiscuous (or have been in the past, depending on the relationship) right away.

    The minute my sister writes about whatever guys she’s with (she’s the single one with this being more of an issue), she tells him about the blog. But then she follows up with asking him not to read, as it’s out of order, written by two sisters, and cannot be taken in context.

    When I have had the occasional lover, I let them know (by sending them a link or just notifying them) when the post goes up. Being married, my occasional partner is a friend that I trust, so the blog is not a secret.

    • Hmm that’s interesting. I haven’t told anyone other than Andrew (he dated a blogger before) and in that case I sent him the text but not a link.

      I can’t imagine it would go well for me to tell Tony at this point, and let him read. Feedback I have gotten to date is that I’m intimidating… Simply put I think he would bolt. So figuring out how to share is important…secrets are not a great thing.

  2. Hi Ann, I have rarely commented on your blog during my blogging hiatus, but have been closely following – reading your blog has become a part of my morning bus route routine. Huge fan.

    I lean towards telling all, should the topic come up, but only since I would expect the same of my partner.

    • Thank you so much Nadia – I’m thrilled to be a part of your morning routine πŸ™‚

      I think telling him / someone i blog anonymously is one thing. It’s so helpful and I don’t mind. But sharing the contents totally freaks me out. I think I would need to totally trust that the guy won’t freak out.

  3. Why do you feel like you need to tell him all??? If you do then give him information in small parts and see how he handles it. If a week later you hear that being thrown back in your face or his attitude changes then you know to omit. I don’t talk about my relationship past personally. It’s funny because I talk so much about my present and junk that does not include relationships that they don’t even notice. I tell I been married twice before and generally why I was divorced and that’s it. My second husband came to me after being together 7 years and said he just realized he didn’t really know anything about my past relationships. I laughed and said because thy are not important enough to talk about but ask what you want to know. He asked a couple of easy questions and that ended that. Why do people feel the need to tell all???

    • That’s funny about your past relationships. I don’t feel a need to tell all and in fact I think it would be overwhelming for someone who hasn’t had similar experiences. Generally women are judged more harshly then men, when it comes to sexual experience.

      But there are things that are a part of me that I want to share and feel I should – we have already spoken at a high level about the state of our marriages prior to splitting up.

      Sharing my blog is a different matter. It’s a big piece of me right now. I guess I’m thinking that IF I end up dating Tony for a while and tell him a lot later, would he feel like I’ve violated a trust?

      • I am curious to know why you feel the need to share that stuff? When it comes to details it’s baggage. If you are telling him about happy times with your ex then that might make him feel like he is being compared and if its bad its your baggae you are asking him to carry…otherwise what is the point? I am not trying to be funny or sarcastic here but what result do you want to get out of sharing?

        • Well I like to understand what has happened in a failed marriage, at least at a high level. Its not about sharing fantastic or the most awful moments. If you really want to understand the place I am in and what drives me at this point, knowing a little bit about my history helps. If someone doesn’t want to know that, fine by me, but if I am considering having someone be a part of my life, I want to know what makes them tick.

          Patterns of behaviour are very instructive. But that’s why I want to know at least something about the relationships someone has had – which includes siblings and parents. But other than being curious about people in general, I don’t particularly are unless it’s someone I quite like.

          I don’t think someone needs to know specifics of a prior sex life, or how many partners I’ve had, or the best sexual experience, etc.

          Does that make sense? I’m on my phone so hard to see my full comment πŸ™‚

          • i got it. What I honestly think is that people do have a baseline on their behavior but they also do things differently with other people because theoretically we learn as we live and how you might have reacted with one person you might not react with the next. You don’t want anyone judging you on that…and they will. Like I have this fear of people leaving me. It comes from a series of deaths in a short period of time. So one sign of trouble I am outta there because I have to leave them before they leave me. I now recognize this in myself and I monitor it and try to stick around long enough to know is this just me being paranoid or is this guy really an asshole. But if I told someone that then the first disagreement I know they would be throwing that up in my face (ohhh so now you want to run?) and then yeah I am outta there. LOL. I guess in my case they can’t win. Now that I wrote that out I realize I am AFU. ignore my advice. seriously

          • I wouldn’t ignore the advice, ever!!

            Someone I worked with used to say “there is your side, and their side, and the truth is somewhere in the middle”. I always thought that was very wise.

            I like knowing about peoples pasts (such as the thing you said above) because it does inform how you are today and how you might act in the future. Or at least the things you are worried about. I am keenly aware that every relationship is different and just because someone says “my ex is such a bitch”… there is probably an equal story on the other side.

            I will give you a real life example with Tony and I. I had shared that in my marriage, one of my frustrations was that I was more social than my ex and was interested in doing far more things than he was. So for me, something important is to get back into doing more stuff. Tony is actually the same, and he shared a similar story. It wasn’t about criticising our ex’s but discovering a shared priority.

            That’s the kind of information that’s helpful to me.

            But talking about sharing a blog or detailed past information is a whole other thing.

  4. Honestly I don’t really see why telling about past history is even important (unless you are intending on being in an open relationship). I think it is more critical to discuss needs, desires and expectations. Knowing what the boundaries are (if any) and knowing they will be respected is more important. Establishing trust and openness is more critical rather than divulging the past.

    This is a sentiment coming from a husband that knows his wife has had a more sexually active history but it has never mattered to me. What is happening in the hear and now is much more important to me.

      • My wife knows that I have a blog and that I write (mainly) about my life with a bi-polar wife. She is 100% behind me writing it.

        I typically do not share my blog (with her), not because I am scared to share but that it is something that I write for me. However, she has read a few posts that I have written.

        I kinda look at it in the same way as when she goes to her therapy sessions. They are for her, so I don’t pry but if she chooses to share then that is great.

        It is not that we need secrets bit I think people need to have things that are just for them. An emotional and mental refuge so to speak.

      • I understand your dilema…I’m new to your blog and so have been enjoying reading. I think this blog was/is IMPORTANT to you because of the transtion you have been and continue to be in… I see you asked if it would be a vilation of trust if you don’t tell him. At this point, no. But maybe once it gets SERIOUS you can tell him and maybe even say “I decided to make some posts private because it would be TMI for you.” And you make some/alot of posts private because NOBODY wants to know if past lovers were better in bed than you or what you did in bed with them (and honestly, I don’t know if you discuss all this since I just found you a few days ago, but you know what I mean). I’m 40 years old and never been married and actually just thinking now that maybe writing about all my old lovers would be fun like you have done. But if I found my soulmate, I would make a majority of the posts private

        • Hi and welcome!! Nice to have you hear and looking forward to seeing you around.

          This is good advice, thank you. Agree that it’s not a trust violation now, but if things got serious it would feel strange to not mention it, especially if I kept writing.

          But making parts private is a good idea…

          I liked writing about some of my past lovers. Hope you choose to do the same!

  5. Here is my advice…you don’t tell him unless he asks specifically. Even then, if he asks, you make sure he really wants to know. Chances are, he is curious but all he really needs to know is that you’ve been tested for all the icky things and that you’re committed to him in the here and now. I’ve been asked before how many men I slept with, and because I’m always honest, I would have told…but I answered “Do you really want to know the answer to that, I’ll tell you if it is important to you..” He (Brad) decided that he really didn’t and that it would open him up to having to discuss his sexual past, which he believed to be more sorted than mine. Curiosity kills the cat and I feel like even if he wanted to know he would have all kinds of questions in his mind, especially given his issues. He’ll be wondering who was better than he is, if anyone else has made you come harder, if the last few men were bigger, etc. Frankly, he does not want honest answers to these questions. I think a tell-all will make his hydraulic issues worse. However, if he asks and he really really wants to know, then you’ve got no choice but to be honest. While he may not be promiscuous…he has a past too, everyone does…but I feel like you should just focus on the present and own the past like it is no big thing, because really, anything you did prior to having met him is none of his business.

    • I’m with Hollie. Don’t say anything. Why bother? To what end? If you really open up, you could change everything. He’ll tell you he doesn’t mind and wants to hear it all just to sound noble but you really risk changing how he feels.

    • Thanks Hollie, I don’t disagree with what you are saying. I don’t think there is much to be gained from talking about any specific sexual encounters or numbers.

      Where I’m less clear is when it comes to the blog… I forget if you have told people or not, and how you came to decide. I can’t imagine letting someone read it but even just being aware that it exists is a conundrum.

      Although, I did read all of Johnny Id’s blog, and he mine, and it was amazingly freeing to know that there were no secrets about our past and things we had done before we met each other.

      • I usually tell people about my blog if I think it would be of interest to them, and I assure them that I will use a fake name when writing about them. They also know if I write about them in any way they don’t like, they might want to think twice about it because I write the whole truth. That said, most of my stories are from the way way back past and when I write about someone current they usually know about it. Adam read (reads) all my posts and he knew beforehand if I was going to write a story about him. You’ll notice though, there aren’t the negative sides in that case because I know he reads it still. So, it can be complicated. My feeling is that it is out there for the public so they might as well hear about it from me. I also feel like if someone gets pissy about what you write, then they should have just treated you better in the first place. In your case I would give it some more time and feel it out from there. If he asks in the meantime, tell him so there aren’t lies and secrets.

        • I guess I worry too much that people will try to find me, once they know about it. My closest girlfriends know, as do some people who I know could care less to read.

          I won’t lie if he asks, that’s for sure.

          • I know if I found out that someone I was seeing wrote a blog, I’d be all over that shit. Girls are more apt to want to dissect every bit of information I think, though. Brad knew I started my blog back up, and knew I had written about him but he didn’t seem the least bit curious. We had broken up at that point and if I were him, I would not be able to resist. Probably a good thing he was not curious, as I’ve made fun of him a time or two!

  6. My thoughts are if you tell your history, don’t give it in full. Delete about half of your experiences in your history, and just in case, make those stories on your blog “private” while you are in your relationship, this way he can’t find any skeletons, and you don’t have to worry about him finding them.
    If you think this could be serious, it’s better that he doesn’t know everything. You may think he is open minded, and then discover that he can’t handle it… Especially because he may have some slight ED issues (this can make him self conscious)
    You are a woman, you at entitled to keep some mystery :).

    • Yes, I think this is good – I don’t think he’s the type to ask any specifics about history, but I tend to be very open and want to be cautious.

      I guess because my blog is so cathartic, it means a lot to me and it seems weird to not share that with someone I’d be in a relationship with. Not that Tony and I are anywhere near that point, but it got me thinking about it.

      I like the idea of mystery… it’s not usually my strong suit πŸ™‚

        • There are a few men I’ve been with who couldn’t care less – although I’m not one to have any specific conversations. If someone asked if I had a threesome, I would answer honestly. Doesn’t mean I would say “yeah and I really want to have them on a regular basis”… which just happens to be true :/

          • In Anns case, id rock her world regardless. That might be the portugese homemade wine talking though.

            For most other girls, including my ex, I was the best they had. Would I inquire now after a few years? Nope. I dont want to know what theyve been banging. As long as they give me access to hitting it then all is fine…must be doing something right.

            Go Patriots.

          • So, are you into the homemade wine again such that you would repeat that bold claim? πŸ™‚

            I would not want to know how I compared to others. There is always going to be a woman with a smaller ass, or bigger tits, or with no gag reflex, or who is smarter, or richer. The list could go on.

            But as Andrew used to say, there isn’t anyone else that is the package that is me. Hard to remember sometimes, but very important.

  7. My blog was discovered by my wife after I was already writing for a year. While there was no serious confessions, there was tales of loneliness, lust, what ifs and regrets. I converted some of the more dark ones into Private versions as suggested above. Just to avoid drama. At the end of our late night discussion, we dusted off our room mate mode. Sex finally came back after a several month hiatus and so far, it’s been the best two weeks of peace and intimacy we have had in a while. BUT….I miss my secret treehouse at the same time….this is a double-edge sword.

  8. Well do you feel the urge to tell him?

    I usually go with my gut. I’m not going to lie about my past, but generally I’ll say it because it tends to weed out the undesirables pretty quickly.

    • I can’t remember if I responded to you… no, I don’t have an urge to tell him right now. But my near-accident with my blog has got me thinking about it. It’s the first time I’ve been in this situation so figure I should have a few different opinions to consider.

      I don’t want to lie, and he doesn’t ask me a lot of questions – so probably not going to be an issue there. I guess as I open up more to him, and the potential that could be there, I need to think about whether I should be telling him about my blog.

        • I just can’t see letting someone read this, because it will forever change what I write. It was hard enough with Johnny and we had read everything each other had written. My desire to stick to my principle of treating my blog like a journal has gotten me in trouble before and so I need to remember that.

          • Ok, then don’t sweetheart.

            I hear you on that front. I’m feeling like I can’t really write about some stuff at the moment on my own blog so I get it. I really do.

            I guess the decision comes down to if you want to verbally discuss it with him instead.

            Like I said, I tend to just because it weeds out the undesirables. But since you already desire this guy and he desires you back, you’ve cut out the middle man.

            The question becomes how much of you do you want him to know? I keep trying to shut Cern out myself and end up letting him further in because I fail at keeping that man out of anything to do with me. Do you have the same thing?

            But ultimately, doesn’t it come down to us wanting to be wanted, even if we have a sordid past?

            Maybe he’ll surprise you.

            <3 xox

  9. I started blogging about the same time as Hy had someone force her hand in telling TN. That made me think about what I want to share and what I want to tell. Of course, having had only very few sexual partners in my life makes it easier to admit to, because I have less risks of being judged poorly. But still, the fact I write a sex blog means that there is a chance that I share whatever happens with them on it. I don’t like to live in a lie, so I want to try and share quickly enough that I write. But like Sharn, I go with my gut. As I did the other day. Of course, the fact that the discussion between the two of us had already leaned towards swinging and/or sharing experiences meant that it was easier to share. I didn’t fear getting judged quite as much. Because I don’t write in my mother tongue, it is also less difficult for me to share, as many people here would not be able to read what I write. But I don’t like to write about someone when they don’t know I do. It is a bit difficult really!
    My understanding is that Tony is rather vanilla… maybe don’t share everything with him. You can tell him you have a blog without giving him the URL right away. That may be a good way to start a conversation…
    But, whether or not you share it all (does he really need to know the number of men you slept with? I only shared that not long ago to explain that I am not quite as experienced as my easy going attitude towards sex could lead to believe…) you need to be clear about your fantasies, what you want, what you need, what you like. These are things important in the here and now and in the future with him. You should not lie on these, because that is not a sane foundation on your relationship. Or at least, if you don’t talk about it, you need to be clear with yourself that you can go into this relationship and not ever resent him for not providing you with these things that you crave for. It is possible to willfully give up on those things, but you have to be clear that if you do, you should not resent him for giving up something he is not aware you gave up for him. That wouldn’t be fair on him, and I think a bad foundation for a relationship.
    I hope you find what works for you!

    • Sage advice as always, my dear. It’s the thought of being dishonest that I don’t like, and at least right now, blogging is important enough that it feels odd for me to not bring it up.

      BUT there are a few components…what, if anything, do you tell someone about your past history (both sexually and in your marriage, I suppose). Then there is the question about whether you share that you blog, and going full out sharing the actual blog.

      As you say, I have to be true to what I want and what I need. Since we are taking things slow, we haven’t talked much about any of this stuff…and he’s not one to ask a lot of questions. So there is a lot for me to figure out still.

      Thanks for the advice πŸ™‚

      • You’re very welcome, I’m just putting my thoughts into words on a screen πŸ˜‰
        Yes, there are a lot of things that I need to share about my marriage now. Because a lot of it explains who I am now, where I’m coming from. And if I’m going to get into a relationship with someone, I need them to know who I am. And what I won’t stand by.
        It is a tricky situation, always. But we’ll figure it out πŸ™‚

  10. Ann, you may suffer from the same affliction i suffer from — too much truth. My boss once told me i tell the truth too much. It was a very funny conversation. In any case, less is more, in my opinion. Your blog is a deep, inner part of you that you should be allowed to share as you see fit. It’s too soon to say when and if you tell him about it. A couple of guys know i write, but none are curious about it. I think we as women sometimes put too much emphasis on the past. Guys dont want details about who has been with you– it gets in their head.

    I have been mulling over the same questions as you. My thought is that i will answer all questions honestly and more importantly concisely. Less is more in my opinion.

    • I agree it’s way too soon… it was something that started percolating after my near miss of sharing inadvertently.

      And yes, it sounds like we are similar in that regard. I am very open and honest and at times, blunt. I don’t always think about whether someone can handle the same information than I can, if the tables were turned. So I may matter of factly share my threesomes or my gang bang fantasy and well, gotta say that’s probably too much information for most guys.

      So I agree about the sexual history stuff, unless you know specifically someone is interested in it and can handle it.

      At the same time, I do value honest and open communication. So I think there is a way, like you say, to answer a question honestly but not provide unnecessary information.

  11. Personally, what would I tell my Wife about my sexual history?
    It’s not a simple equation.
    I have no specific interest in telling Her how many partners I’ve had, or who they were, or how good / bad the sex was. That would just end up sounding comparative, and I can see nothing positive coming from it.
    The other side of that coin is that I’d love to be able to tell Her about the sex I’ve had, because a lot of that was great, kinky, fun, enthusiastic, easy sex, and that’s exactly what I’d like to have with my Wife. Whether or not it is possible to have such a conversation without making Her feel as though I was comparing Her to previous partners, I doubt it.
    If I could tell Her about the sex alone, I’d love to. Though at the very least that would require us to be able to communicate about sex. So the short answer to what I’d tell Her is nothing. πŸ™

    • I understand that. I never really talked about my sexual history with my ex either. He knew the number of partners I had, and ironically he thought I said 3 times as many.

      I’m less torn about what to share about a sexual history, for all the reasons you describe. There is little to be gained unless someone gets off on hearing those stories. I don’t think Tony is in that camp.

      When it comes to broad discussions, however, or acknowledging a blog…that’s where I get a little more fuzzy on the right approach.

  12. That’s a tough one…I don’t know if I would or not….not to avoid being honest, but because so many people have such repressed views of sexuality. And, it’s a bit of a loaded gun aimed right at you…depending on the person that’s ammunition that can be used against you at a later date. I really don’t know if I would tell all or any…I kind of agree with the other bloggers who say “why bother”

    • I know that it was hard to keep writing with the same level of honesty, after I met Johnny. I managed to do so, but some people thought there were things I should have kept to myself. So I should remember that when I think about telling someone…it can dramatically impact the freedom I have on my blog right now. The most important thing about my journal is that is it mine to be as honest as I can be with myself.

      So there’s even a question about whether to even mention it… and then gosh, a whole other one about how much, if anything, to share about my experiences.

  13. I don’t think my sexual history is anyone’s business *except* as part of normal ‘getting to know you’ intimate chats which is never about ‘how promiscuous were you anyway’ (ugh), but about sharing experiences. I’ve never been with a man who was immature enough to ask (or care about) about ‘a number’ (I can’t imagine anyone over the age of 30 doing that: you get to a certain age, and it’s a given that you have history).

    Telling him about the blog, though is different, and for you they are tied together, which is a double hit.

    To me, the biggest risk is not about ‘how much sexual activity’ but more that:

    1) it’s there in glaringly salacious detail so he gets to ‘see’ you in bed with other men (which is VERY different from ‘oh by the way, I was playing the field pretty good for a while there’) and

    2) learning that you have written very personal and intimate things about him (including his ED: god, I would HATE it if someone did that to me: HATE!) can reasonably be seen as a really hurtful betrayal. It would obviously be different if all you wrote was glowing praise and/or things that you had already talked with him about.

    I’m not really anonymous, so potential partners already know about my blog, and my content reflects that (no surprises, no hurt). I’ve only once revealed it ‘after the fact’ to a vanilla man, and I did that before we even had our first date. The posts about him contained no surprises. He was fine with the rest of the content (intrigued, curious etc).

    To me, earlier is better because transparency has value and the feeling of betrayal will be MUCH less earlier than later, but that obviously impacts what and how you write: that’s the price you pay and I don’t think there is any way around that. You can, of course, ask him not to read it (I don’t think hiding posts is the same thing: it would build mistrust), but that’s a difficult thing to ask of someone.

    TL;DR: Sex blogger’s dilemma. Welcome to it :).

    Ferns

  14. I have always been guilty of telling ‘too much’ about my past, and what I have learnt is… past doesn’t really matter. It is not about not being honest, it is about it being irrelevant, I guess. If the topic comes up, just answer honestly without giving too much specific and needless details.

    I have also learnt that we shouldn’t share ‘everything’. There’s the important, which should be shared. And then there’s the ‘too much’. And sharing too much can have the opposite and desired effect.

    Now about the blog… I mentioned it before. If someone from my real world would read my blog, I can promise you my blog would be completely different. I would stop writing for myself on my #nofilter mode and I would start writing having in consideration how other people would feel or think about specific things – specific momentary thoughts aka rants. So it would defeat the whole purpose of my blog. We don’t give full access to our thoughts to just anyone, so why would we give full access to our blog? It’s anonymous for a reason.

    Now, a few of my friends do know that I blog but I have explained that I’d rather keep it secret as it is kind of my ‘private place’, a place of my own. Knowing that the people who visit me are unbiased and don’t know me makes it a completely different experience – the kind of experience I want. I can write about whatever is in my mind, even if it sounds plain wrong. Even if I am ashamed by it.

    So, in your case, if you do feel the same way about your blog (which you might see it in a different way), I would probably share that: ‘Yes, I have a hobby, I write an anonymous blog, but it’s something I would like to keep for myself’.

    Everyone has their own hobbies too, there are things to do together and things to do on your own:)

    • I’ve been thinking more what I would do if I was you and I like the points made here…it really is perfect, you are being honest and you also get to keep your blog…

    • Thank you for the very thoughtful comment. You’ve given me lots to think about.

      I do see my blog that way – it’s my journal and my place to not have a filter. It got me in trouble with Johnny Id when things weren’t going well, but I stuck to my guns on how important it was for me to write (although I guess I could have written and not shared).

      I don’t want to give that up. So I think the place I’d like to be in is letting someone know I blog (because yes, it’s a hobby) but not having them read it.

  15. I never tell and never ask. Besides, it gets a little predictable being told over and over that of course I’m the best. The best by a country mike. That she did not know what a man was until she met me. Yawn. No point in playing that broken record. πŸ™‚

  16. I do not think there is any reason to tell about your blog. Would you give your partner your diary to read? Usually not, it is a safe place for you to be truthful and uncensored. It is likely that there will always be thoughts that you keep to yourself in any relationship. There is no obligation to disclose everything to a romantic partner. I maintain a few blogs. One is a completely vanilla blog of poetry. If I want to share some of my writing with someone and I don’t want them see all of my sexy posts, I can post it on my vanilla blog and show them that. With my new partner, I mentioned to him that I had an erotic poetry blog once but didn’t show it to him and he didn’t ask to see it. I just show him the poems I want to share with him. As to telling Tony about your sexual history, I think it’s best to hold back. Be honest in your responses if he asks, but don’t go telling him about everything. And don’t make him read about your sexual experiences with others. That can make things extremely uncomfortable. He’ll probably be picking up cues about you from your behavior, so he can sense that you’re experienced, sexually open, etc. but hearing too much about past lovers can sometimes interfere with enjoying being in the present with someone.

    • I didn’t respond to this comment right away because I actually don’t have much to say in response – I think you are bang on in how you are thinking about things.

      I would tell someone I keep a journal. This one just happens to be online. But I would rarely ever let anyone read some of it.

      And yes, with sexual history I agree with that as well. I will respond honestly to a direct question but I don’t think he has to no everything – I probably don’t either.

    • What do I think about it? I don’t really…from what he said on his blog he seemed to miss the community here, which I understand is less engaged on Blogger.

      Does it affect me? Not particularly. It doesn’t make a difference to whether I’m reading his blog or how I feel about what he’s writing.

  17. I take the “easy” way out by telling them we need to talk about my sexual past… and I will answer any question asked but with the caveat of not asking me anything you don’t really want to hear the answer to. Even though most people don’t care what you did before (yeah, sure they don’t, right?) if we’re not going to have any secrets between us, then they need to know that I’m less of an angel than they may have expected. Plus with all the STDs out there and being a bi guy, yeah, you need to know what I’ve done with guys and, oh, yeah, never caught anything and still very HIV-negative. AND for me, talking about our respective past is not only erotic but it’s as intimate as you can get without having to get naked (that still works, though).

    A lot of people can’t handle such a conversation, let alone knowing that you write about things sexual as well where a lot of people can see them so what you do about him and your blog isn’t something I can help you with other than to be honest with him because how long can you keep it hidden and then get busted and then get bitched out for not mentioning from the beginning?

    My Linda reads every blog I write because trying to hide it from her just isn’t worth the hassle. We talked about our sexual pasts (still do) and, yeah, I wanna know what those guys before me did right and especially what they did wrong with her so I don’t make the same mistakes. But, again, we have nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of and we know that “important” or not, our pasts are a part of us and we are nothing if. It a package deal – you get the good and the bad (and all the stuff in between).

    Anything else could be considered deceitful – and if it’s shame that troubles you, there’s no point in being ashamed of something that cannot be changed and something that happened before you knew he existed, right? I know they say that a girl has to have some secrets but sometimes silence isn’t golden, ignorance isn’t bliss, and what you don’t know can hurt you. So size Tony up, determine if he can handle the truth… and handle accordingly. Could you scare the bejesus out of him? Sure, that’s a risk… but so is driving to the store for milk…

    • Very wise advice, thank you.

      I don’t want to keep something from him but also am weighing how much he can handle. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I will ask any direct question (and he doesn’t ask many), I may at some point tell him I blog – that it’s like a journal and it’s anonymous – but I can’t see getting to a point where he will read it. Perhaps. But we have a LONG way to go to get to that point.

  18. I am in a unique situation where neither of us had a past. I don’t know if I would want to know numbers or specifics. I think that springing this on him is not a good idea. If he asks about your past, try to get him tk qualify his question – what does he want to know and why? I would probably ruminate on this knowledge and my curiosity would probably have me press for more details, however much they might excite or hurt me.

    The blog is a mess for me, especially since he alalready graces several posts. If he sees it and there are no posts, he will wonder if there were or if something happens between you two, will he be added to the rolls.

      • I need to stop commenting while I am riding my bike. I can’t type and I can’t see what I type while breathing hard and sweating.

        You are clearly far from that point of showing him anything about your blog and it will be interesting to learn if that opportunity will ever arrive, regardless of how good your relationship builds and grow.

  19. I’m married and very monogamous now, but always told boyfriends early on about my past. I figured my past shaped me, and if they didn’t respect it, they couldn’t love me.

    That said, I didn’t go into graphic detail about things (unless there was something really funny I had to share), so I might tell him about a blog but warn him not to read it–and maybe hide entries about his sexual prowess.

    • Hi Sotia! Yes, good advice, I am particularly aware of the comments I’ve made on some of the challenges he’s had physically so definitely not something someone would want to read in print with hundreds of readers. Ugh.

      But with regard to my past? Yes, it has shaped me. But I’ve also been judged for it before so am a bit gun-shy.

      • Hi again.

        I’m probably going to be attacked for saying this, but the men who say they wouldn’t be with a promiscuous woman are here, reading your blog. So they enjoy reading about your sex life, but God forbid their woman has a sexual past. Pfft.

        I see two separate issues here. One is that you’ve spoken about things that are his, and are really sensitive. And I wouldn’t let my guy know about it, even if you did it in searching yourself within this relationship.

        The second is about you and your past. From what I’ve read, you’ve been pretty clear with the men in your life. Your entries don’t so a dishonest person, but one who’s slept with the men she’s wanted to sleep. A guy who can’t deal with that will sooner or later be unable to deal with you. I’m not saying you should give him a detailed account of the number of men, but he should know a ballpark figure, or at least that there have been some more than he might approve (though why he should approve something that doesn’t have to do with him, I don’t know.)

        In the end, I think a man should feel more secure next to a woman who’s had her fill and has made the informed decision to stay with him, than with someone who may just not have enough experience to know her needs and how he covers them, or who’s been afraid to sleep with more men lest she be judged.

        /soap box

        • This is a great soap box, thank you.

          I suspect yes, I may be great in theory for some men, but not in practice. I’d love for them to weigh in otherwise!

          I agree that I need to be careful about sharing my past… I will answer any direct questions honestly because I am not ashamed of my part or my decisions. I think he already has a sense that I’ve been rather – ahem – open in my past.

          But ultimately I think what matters is where we each are today.

  20. Likely repeating much of the same as others. A couple of questions come to my mind; 1) in retrospect, why did you start blogging in the first place? Having gone back and read every one of your posts from the beginning, once I found your blog, I gathered (of course correct me if I’m wrong), that you have always kept some sort of journal or way for you to remember events and moments in your life. Not necessarily to reminisce as much as to better understand who you are, what you want, need and are discovering. It’s personal. If this medium didn’t exist today, would you offer your personal diary for someone to read? Not just anyone mind you, but someone that you may be deeply involved with? I think not. It’s not about keeping secrets as others have stated as much as it’s the anonymity of what’s in your mind in those moments.
    2) Are you able to separate the transparency of your sexual journey from the blog? Do you have to? I don’t know that full disclosure is the best policy but if you are compelled to go that route, then I would consider which is potentially more “harmful” or intimidating to the other person? I bet that most would say, as Madeline stated, sexual experiences and desires, especially in our society and for women, is what tends to drive folks to places they can’t understand. But a blog, oh lord, it’s in writing, and it can be misconstrued and as tangible as it is, there are more intangibles to deal with. Nuances that cannot be read or worse, that are inferred that don’t exist. My example: “I have enjoyed MFM threesomes in the past and would like to be able to talk about that with you” versus reading about the entire, orgasmic experience and wondering if I’d measure up or if I’d want to even try.
    I get the sense that M, you and I are similar on many levels, marriages, kiddo’s, careers and desires as well as our need to over-communicate πŸ˜€
    If he asks about previous experiences, perhaps it’s disclosure to an extent, especially if it opens up the conversation to mutual desires. JMTC

    • Thank you so much for this!! Lots of things to think about. Yes, I have always kept a journal, except for the 15 years between meeting my ex and starting this blog. So you are right, it’s been incredibly rare that I’ve shared any writings from my journal with anyone.

      My sexual journey is a big part of this blog because it’s part of my overall journey. So I couldn’t remove that from this blog I don’t think. I suppose I could write privately but I like the feedback and challenge I get here.

      So yes, I do think that answering a direct question of course I would do honestly.

      And yeah, we do seem to be in similar places.

      • I suppose the thing about the journal is that not only him but NO one read it. Here, it is slightly different, since he will know that hundreds of people have access to things written about him. That I think is the big difference.
        And why most people would object to being talked about in a blog…

          • No one except him or her…
            That’s what makes it difficult for someone to accept I think.
            Granted, we make sure that we don’t write anything that would allow for them to be recognised… or so we think, but they may not always agree :-/

          • If I ever get fully “outed” (which would be weird to have happen) then it’s likely I’m shuttering this blog anyway, so at that point it’s moot.

            Someone who knows me who finds this blog would recognize me… but the chance of that is pretty low.

          • I know the chances are pretty low. The thing is, how high a chance is ‘him or her’ willing to take? πŸ™‚
            And that is non quantifiable…

        • I don’t disagree with the difference, except for the fact that I take great pains to hide my identity here. By extension, those who I write about are protected as well.

          One thing that gives me pause is that some of my friends know…and while I might tell them all this stuff anyway, it could make someone uncomfortable.

          • I know, but still, there is a sort of gut reaction I guess…
            And yes, the fact some friends know about it may make someone uncomfortable, especially if you keep writing about him and he meets these people!

          • It reminds me of when I was getting all kinds of cock shots last year… I had a policy to not show my friends any cocks when they may ultimately meet the man it was attached to.

          • Hahaha! I must say I cannot even remotely relate to this. First, I’m not one for cock shots. Unless we are in the process of doing something ong distance and you want ot send me a visual to titllate my appetite, I don’t need to see your cock. That’s my point of view more or less.
            And considering what I just said, I would therefore never show a cock shot to anyone because it was sent to me in a moment of passion. I don’t need to get anyone else involved in it, unless it had been previously discussed with the author of said cockshot… But that’s the way I roll, I understand that cockshots are so much more frequent in North America for some reason…

          • I wish most were sent in moments of passion but alas, they weren’t. Many were met I’d never met and never asked for a pic of their junk. So…I didn’t feel bad about showing them to my friends. I never said who they were and their faces weren’t in the pics.

            I do have some standards and moral guidelines πŸ˜€

          • I never expected anything less from you!
            I guess what I don’t understand is men who feel so little about the rest of themselves that they need to send you a cock picture before you see a face pic almost πŸ˜‰
            I mean, come one, surely there is more to you than your cock, or is this your best selling point? If it is, I’m not interested in you, I want someone whom I can talk to, do things with, share interests with πŸ™‚

          • I just cannot ever imagine it to be anyone’s selling point. Not anyone I’d be interested in πŸ™‚
            But that comes from my one night stand experience. I am not cut out to have sex with someone just for the sake of sex… but I totally get that it is different for other people πŸ˜‰

          • Oh, don’t get me wrong, I have had sex on first dates a few times. Actually, when I think of the current guy, it wasn’t even a date that first time. But something happened between us before I agreed to follow him home… Somehow, I managed to not stay without a sexual partner for too long. But I never did the online dating either. So that’s probably why my experience is so different from yours πŸ™‚

  21. I was in Tony’s position. The issue mattered to me, so I asked my Exgf about a month after we had met. She lied through her teeth. The truth ALWAYS comes out, usually at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way.

    The issue here, for you Ann, is whether or not he has a problem of being with a promiscuous woman. You need to ask in a roundabout fashion that won’t alert him to what’s driving the question.

    If you go in all guns blazing spilling the beans, that’s risky for you as it might backfire badly, no matter how honourable your intentions are.

    Sound him out gently and only ask one question once that will give you a broad idea. That’ll be enough for you for now. Asking about this twice will alert him.

    For example, get talking about movie characters. Ask him which character from a movie he identifies with (I reckon he’ll say Batman). Tell him yours. Then ask him which kind of woman he would rather have a long-term romantic relationship with: Sharon Stone’s character in Basic Instinct, or Kim Basinger’s character in 9 1/2 Weeks? The sub-text of sex will be enough to distract him.

    Just some ideas for your consideration.

  22. I don’t have a promiscuous past, so I have no advice on that front. My ex-wife, however, had one and the moment she told me about it I almost left her because my trust in her nearly evaporated. In the end, I believe it was those primal needs (mostly for attention) that led her to leave.

  23. You are in a different league than I for sure! The only record of my past is in my memory. That said, I think you already know the answer Ann. You have to go with your gut. Often times it can seem hurtful (to the other person, the new person) to be too blatantly honest. In which case, I would chose to remain quiet about it. Then you gotta deal with the questions, if he asks them. If he doesn’t ask, then you are off the hook. It might not matter to him, the past is just that. Past. Therefore, I see no need to “confess”, as all happened before you met him. You shouldn’t be judged by him on your past. I feel like I am starting to talk in circles now…. I hope you got where I was going with that.

    • I’m not sure I want an open relationship at all. I’ve done lots of thinking and writing about it and it’s not for me.

      What I could possibly see is being with someone exclusively, and ocassionally “swing” or bring another to play with us. That kind of thing. But I would have to be very secure in the relationship in order to do that with another woman, I think.

  24. I’m of the opinion that if you are asked about your past, then you can give whatever information you are comfortable sharing at that point (I think directly and honestly answering the questions asked, but not volunteering information is the way to go). However, the blog is a different story – you tell incredibly personal stories here…not just about yourself, but about your partners. I guess I would ask you how you would feel if the tables were turned – if Tony was blogging about intimate details about your sexual encounters, would you feel betrayed if you found out about it by accident? I just wonder if writing about his hydraulic problems and such would be mortifying to him if he knew that the β€œworld” knew all about something so personal.

    Perhaps, since he knows you blog, you could bring up a β€œhypothetical” situation and ask him how he would feel if you blogged about your relationship and your sexual encounters. His answer would give you a hint on how he might react to your blog in general should he find out about it.

  25. Wow, you get a LOT of comments on your blogs! And how nice of you to answer them all.
    As a fellow sex and tell blogger, I would NEVER let Tony see your blog. If you have a partner with a similar attitude about promiscuity/similar past, then sure, it could even be fun. Tony sounds like a regular, ordinary guy, and if he is intimidated now, he could really get freaked out reading the blog. Reading the details in a blog are a LOT different than telling him your past personally.
    That said, telling him about your history…that’s a tough one. I’d say most guys, despite what they say really don’t want to know, unless they are really secure, or really kinky, especially so if they really care for you. I am endlessly fascinated by my Amy’s past, and I can make myself crazy if I really think about it too much.
    Then again, as someone who has lived a lot of his life with a lot under cover, I have come to value complete and total honesty in new relationships. You can’t be true to yourself if you aren’t true with others. If they don’t like what they here, then it wasn’t meant to be. But inside of that, you don’t have to tell him things he doesn’t ask about, and you don’t have to share every detail.

    • Thank you – I do try to make a point of responding to every single one, although it leaves less time for me to comment on others blogs.

      I hear you about the blog. While I really appreciate honesty (it was so refreshing with Johnny) I think the person has to be pretty special to be able to handle all of that.

      I think it’s a balance of being true to who I am but not providing unnecessary details.

What do you think?