This is my 400th post. Yay me (that’s sarcasm, for the record). My posts average 1,000 words so I can honestly say that there was no way, when I started writing, I thought I had 400,000 words worth of things to say. Some could argue the quality of the content, no doubt.
I’m not comfortable with writing a self-congratulatory post – the cynic in me says all 400 posts means is I spent a lot of time writing and I wasn’t very brief. For the better part of a year I posted every single day.
Of course, there is no question how valuable this blog, and all of my supporters, has been to my ability to sort through what happened to me before I started writing, and all of my progress since then. I read some comments from this blog to my Mom last night – from some recent posts – and she was amazed at the quality of the insight and the great debate we have here.
I’m bothered about writing about my progress. I would be a fool to say I’m not in a different and better place now than I was in 2013. But I’m not yet where I want to be. I might never be, I suppose, because I believe that instead of trying to be better than my contemporaries, I should try to be better than myself. So my journey is never over. Am I like a shark, who constantly has to move? Being stagnant, as I’ve been in the past, saddens me.
So when it comes to men, there is way less crap that I would put up with today than I would have a year ago. My needs are different, so what I will do to get my needs fulfilled is different.
But I guarantee you, if Tony broke up with me tomorrow, I would be responding back to Jason’s texts and arranging sex with him as soon as I could. So I’m not that advanced a human being; I still have needs. Yesterday he invited me to go to Japan with him for a week – he’s travelling there for work. I had to say no, obviously.
A few of you have commented on how different I seem today – as have some real life friends. I feel more at peace with many things right now. And I have to focus on right now, because the winds of change are blowing. While I’m doing a good job being patient with the pace Tony and I have, I am wrestling with the lack of verbalization of any of his feelings toward me. It’s a “love languages” challenge and I’m sure to be writing about it soon.
Will, my ex, is contemplating coming back early (good) but perhaps with a significant career change – one that would see him making 25% of what he makes today. Better for the soul, but would likely mean changes for his home (where we lived together for 8 years) and at an extreme, perhaps financial changes for me if he chooses to ask for support.
And last but not least, my company is going through restructuring and it could mean changes for me – hopefully for the better, but one never knows.
I’m a big fan of change – it’s how I’m wired – but I kind of like the place I’m in right now.
I guess at the very least, it means I will probably have another 400 posts in me.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for staying along for the ride.