Hey guys, would you do this after a year?! Another day, another douche.

Waaaay back when I went online and was on the naughty section of a dating site, I met a man I referred to here as “The Model“, because he used to be one. He lives in New York City which is not close to me in the slightest, but I travel there every once in a while for work.

At the time, I was in a place where an intelligent old soul who was also highly sexual was very appealing, even when he was far away. I knew it was dopey to be talking to him but it wasn’t like I was overwhelmed with options. He said he would travel to meet me but never pulled the proverbial trigger.

We exchanged emails, sexy texts, and had long phone conversations. But through the course of NIM, the Giant, Jason and Johnny Id, combined with the lack of ever meeting, I stopped reaching out. However, each time I was in NYC I would send an email to see if he wanted to meet. He would say yes then would cancel for one reason or another.

For this trip I did the same thing. Not because I wanted to have some illicit sex with him, but because I’m curious to meet him face to face. We always had a good connection and interesting conversations. I wondered whether we would have chemistry. But there was no way I would act on it.

He agreed to meet me for lunch. Note I recommended lunch because it’s not conductive to him trying to fuck me.

Then I realised who am I kidding of course he’s going to try to fuck me. He had made a comment about how long it had been for him and I realised I had to tell him I was dating someone exclusively. Which I did.

His response was to ask why I would meet him if I was dating someone else.

I explained what I said above, adding that (duh) it wasn’t as if I assumed we would sleep together any of those other times.

His response?

im sure you have plenty of male friends.. if u r single an want to meet let me know..
What. The. Fuck.
I was pretty damn sure what he meant, but I responded with: Are you saying you don’t want to meet because I’m not single right now?

And his response?

correct.. i dont want to meet and like you and not be able to play.. im sure we would get along just by our phone sessions.. we think alike in many respects

Now. I kinda think if someone isn’t willing to meet me for a coffee or drink with no promise of sex, I should avoid them. However, I was really surprised at this one. It makes me feel like that’s all he wants me for. On the other hand, why would we torture ourselves knowing I am not going to act on it?

I’m not really sure how to think about this. Part of me wants to say “fuck you, you are never hearing from me again” and part of me understands where he is coming from.

I’m curious how you see this.

And while my breakfast date has moved to a lunch date, now I’m dateless on Friday morning. Sigh.

 

0 thoughts on “Hey guys, would you do this after a year?! Another day, another douche.

  1. I can see both sides.
    You met on the naughty part of a dating website, and subsequently exchanged sexy texts. The subtext being that you were both likely to entertain the idea of fucking each other. Indeed, it’s not unreasonable to interpret that as the primary goal of one or both of you. Men generally want sex first, a relationship second, so I don’t think his response is surprising. It didn’t sound dismissive or discourteous to me.
    Yes, it would be good to think he’d be interested in you as a person too, but without knowing more about the conversations and his circumstances I’d say he deserves the benefit of the doubt.

  2. I see where he is coming from actually. Normally I am pretty quick to write someone off as a douche, but I think he is right here. I think he is trying to respect your situation and he knows it would just lead to frustration. While I don’t think you’d act on it, I think naturally you’d want to…you’d be excited and turned out and far away from home…and faced with a choice. I think you’d make the right choice, but then would be left with all kinds of questions and longings. Dateless in NYC could be a good thing, that place is filled with magic and all kinds of fun things to do!

    • I see you point for sure. Reality is I guess it either closes a door for good, should there be no attraction… Or worse case is there’s crazy chemistry and then what do you do with that situation? It seems that’s what he’s worried about. I don’t think it’s just about the sex for him, upon reflection.

  3. As much As I understand the frustration of never have met.do we always have to have another agenda. It always got cancelled for some other reason and now because your not single?
    It sounds he always had a one track mind and may have cancelled because he never could just have coffee. If I can’t have sex it is not worth the trouble. It that is why all this happened.

    If what is said you had a good connection you would at least think he would also be interested in the person behind the calls.
    Understanding him is like saying it is all your fault. And face it, you are not the only one to blame for never getting together before.

    But that is only what I would think and do after reading this.
    keep on smiling.

    • Ironically the other times it fell through (which seemed to be for genuine reasons but who knows) there was totally an opportunity to have sex!!

      And yes, that’s the thing for me – curiosity to meet the person behind the discussions. But I do recognize it could be trouble if we did hit it off.

      • Or he was toying with you all along. Knowing the distance issue. When you made the distance not an issue he wasn’t available. Just seems fishy. Yes, if you did hit it off it could lead to….bad things. But really? Every opportunity before didn’t happen, it is just confounding to me that suddenly this time it was “good to go, but no”.
        If you hadn’t told him you were exclusive, he would have lead you to believe you were going to meet, and cancelled. again.

        (Sorry, my first comment was made before I read, so my opinion doesn’t get influenced. Your readers made good points.)

  4. I do understand where he’s coming from.I just don’t understand why he would imply that he would be more than sex when he had the chance to meet you so Many times before and honestly he never really seemed to be that commited to it . But I understand that considering the context , he wouldn’t want to meet , seeing as you both have met via a website with a purpose other than friendship. he is being very straightforward there : he’s not looking for friendships, that’s not what he signed up for. On the other hand I understand as well that you would be curious to meet him but personally I do think its better this way 🙂

  5. I think it’s better to be frank and leave nothing to question. If he wanted a pure friendship it would never come up. And he is spoiled to some degree and apparently can dictate some things. (Yes..a douche)

  6. I think part of it is how initially everything started. If it was highly sexual from the start, then I can see why he would think that way (not saying it’s right, just saying I get the mindset).

    My personal feeling is that this guy revealed part of his “true” self right away and it wasn’t pretty. Sure the apple may look good on the outside, but if it is still rotten within then why partake of the fruit? Because it’s forbidden?

    Nah…I think you need a better reason.

    • What’s not pretty about wanting sex without looking for friendship? For me (and I realise this is just opinion) I see no reason why sex and friendship can’t be mutually exclusive if both participant are of the same mind. If both are honest about what they want (and I think he has been), and if it’s not the same thing, no big deal, just walk away and smile about the fact that someone found you sexually attractive.

    • It was a sexual start but the conversations we had weren’t focussed on sex. He would lament not having a good connection with someone but thought he had a good one with me – which is why I was puzzled he didn’t take the opportunity to meet me when I was available. Perhaps his reasons of having to cancel were actually valid…what a concept?!

  7. I could see where hes coming from, but I think if he’d really been interested he would have found a way to meet you back then, even if it meant traveling to see you. Since he always found excuses to not meet with you, I tend to think that this is his way of protecting himself that he is not the one responsible for not meeting, again. It is much easier to push the blame onto your non-single status…

    • That’s what I assumed as well, Dawn. If he really felt a connection that he would have found a way to meet me when I was in his city and available. It happened twice and he cancelled both times – once due to a family emergency (he said) and the other to foolish planning on his part.

      Perhaps the reasons were valid but I’ve experienced such douchy behaviour that I tend to be a cynic.

      • The problem is not so much whether the reasons were valid or not. It is the fact that when you closed the gap, offering possibilities to meet, he couldn’t. But if he had REALLY been interested, he would have found ways to close the gap on his end. So I guess he was either not very interested or not ready for an actual relationship and in both instances trying to find excuses that are independent from his own actions and lie solely with you. Putting the blame onto you.
        But I do recognise that this may be my more than slightly skewed approach after years of being blamed for everything that didn’t go according to what my ex believed were his plans. I guess you can say I too am a cynic!

  8. I agree with Dawn. To me, life is about taking advantage of opportunities. Regardless of what he says, his behavior is such that he did not take advantage of meeting you when you were single and now he won’t because your not. If I felt a deep connection to someone, I would not let that opportunity go to waste even if it meant a “friends only” status. There is nothing wrong with a purely sexual relationship but he is the one saying he wants more. So, if he does indeed feel a connection to you, then he is afraid of his own feelings and according behavior. I can appreciate him not wanting to put himself into a frustrating situation but it sounds like he has already put himself there on his own accord. WTF indeed.

    • Yes! You put that better than I could have… For me it’s an opportunity wasted. Just to see – but admittedly if we did have great in-person chemistry I would be tempted and I don’t want to put myself in those situations right now.

      My gut says he does feel a connection. Perhaps the cancellations before were valid but we could have met months ago and been done with all this. Or been pining away in a long distance relationship 🙂

  9. I appreciate his honesty and directness. He knows what he wants and he doesn’t want to be tempted and not be able to taste and it sounds like he has ethics – he’s not going to try and tempt you either.

  10. Even if you got on really well in the last 12 months, I get the impression that the primary focus with the two of you was mutual sexual attraction and possibilities and playing with that.

    Take those away and ‘eh’.

    I’m much the same, so I can relate. And it’s NOT that I’m just interested in sex or consider them not worthy people somehow. It’s because meeting people isn’t fun for me (introvert!), so I’m generally not interested in expending that social energy if the potential for a relationship (or at least kissing!) isn’t there.

    Ferns

      • Yes, after all, it’s a brand new day 🙂
        The sun is up, the sky is blue, it’s beautiful, and so… Ok, now I’ve got this wonderful song playing over and over again 😉

        To come back to Ferns: she’s not missing out if she doesn’t feel like going out. And being an introvert she apparently doesn’t. I know, if you’re like me it’s a difficult concept to grasp. But there can be no missing (out) if there is no need first 🙂

        • You know something…that’s true. Here’s what I do–hell…what we ALL do–to a fault. We take our own internal value system and apply it to everyone. As if we were all constructed with the same building materials. Okay. I stand corrected. If you only want to come out to kiss a fella (or gal) that’s peachy.

          The wind is low, the birds will sing
          That you are part of everything

          • yep. Thanks Mark. (I can call you Mark right?) We do all do that, because that is what we know. And I couldn’t have picked a nicer song to be singing to myself for the next hour or so.

    • Thanks Ferns. I hadn’t considered the introvert thing. I like meeting people and as I’ve said so many times here, I’m curious about everyone I meet. So I see it as a lost opportunity, since we’ve been talking off and on for so long.

      I guess even kissing him would have been bad… I try to be strong but sometimes, am pretty weak 🙂

  11. I suppose it’s understandable that he may have wanted more than a conversation based on the beginnings; however, I think it’s a little douche to say that unless there is more, he wants nothing. Just a thought. I’d leave him be.

    • Thanks for that. While I do understand the rationale and agree it would be difficult for me if there was chemistry and I am determined to stay exclusive with Tony, on the other hand it feels devaluing of me to not want to even meet for a bit.

  12. You have to admire his honesty. I can see how this doesn’t set well with you but it’s preferable to him sitting across the table, being tortured by his secret desires, mooning at you like some hurt puppy. The more I think about it the more I think he did both you and him a favor. I’m sure you find it disagreeable but it’s actually pretty mature of him. It shows some self-awareness. Some folks never get there.

    • I wouldn’t mind having someone moon at me like a hurt puppy 🙂

      But yes, I agree he did me a favor and that it’s mature. One thing I always did like about him was he seemed like a wise soul.

      On the one hand, meeting and not feeling any connection would have been fine. I could have finally closed a door. On the other, if we had crazy chemistry I would not have wanted to be tempted in that way.

  13. I think I lean toward the fuck you side. I understand what he means, but it sure sounds like that’s all he is looking for and that doesn’t make it bad, as long as that’s clear. It sounds a little like a manipulation on his part. He knows you have been wanting to meet him, but he always cancels. My guess is that he would have cancelled again, had you not told him that sex wasn’t going to happen, he decided to push a little. Once you told him you were in an exclusive relationship, you became off limits. Which is honorable in a way. But also gave him the ammo to “dangle the carrot” if you will. So, the head game, and not wanting to meet you if there wasn’t going to be sex = fuck you to me I guess. There is much, much more to you than sex Ann.

  14. It is possible he liked more than the idea of sex with you, and didn’t like the idea of getting involved with someone who wasn’t free, perhaps when you started to char with him you were in a different place and he was happier. I’m only guessing because who can really say what was on his mind

  15. I think he’s a genius. He was presented by someone who wasn’t available but interested in something. If he met you, he’d probably never see you again. Your curiosity would be satisfied at a time when there was nothing in it for him. In this scenrio he was only going to lose.

    However, he deflected you in a way that has you thinking of him a long time after, you’re still curious, the attraction is intact. If you were single, you would go see him and something would happen. He would win.

    He’s in the naughty section of a newspaper; he’s looking to use, not be used. Being an ex-model he lives in a world of abundance because of his looks, but he trades off his status to his benefit too.

    Do you know what he looks like, btw? Why would an ex-model being resorting to such a way of finding women?

    • He’s looking for more than just sex – but he’s highly sexual which is why he was on that site. And please don’t snicker and tell me I’m being naive.

      I do know what he looks like. He wanted to find someone super sexual who he had a good connection with. It hasn’t been easy for him. He certainly could get laid if that’s all he wanted.

  16. Well, you did originally connect with him through “the naughty section” of a dating site. That makes his intentions very clear from the beginning and he apparently never swayed from those intentions. Sounds like, although douchey, he was who he was from day 1.

      • He may just be a guy that likes playing games, likes the attention, but is a chicken when it comes to following through. Maybe he’s married and plays games with women on dating sites with no intention of following through.

          • It’s futile for any of us to really try to figure anyone else out because most of us aren’t even honest with ourselves about who we are. The difference between our perception of ourselves and others is usually pretty disparate. That being said, your guy was an idiot. Why not meet another person who seems interesting to you?

  17. Some men just don’t do the whole “friends with women” thing. I know many like that. Women are for dating etc, men are for friendships. I go back and forth on that topic

  18. I tried putting myself in your shoes, but then I realized there is no way I could.

    I did try to picture that happening to me, I know this is late, but I dont think I would have a problem with it. I really wouldn’t want to get involved or even have lunch with someone if its not going anywhere – GIVEN the avenue through which you guys met!

What do you think?