Tony now has a section on my Lovers page, if you need to read the back story.
Saturday night I sent a text saying goodnight, after some back and forth texting throughout the day. I heard nothing all day Sunday from Tony. Or Monday morning. It was hard to not leap for my phone every time I heard a ping.
The girlfriend I was visiting helped talk me through my anxiety and feeling like I was about to get bailed on. Again. Even though my gut told me he was different. We talked through different scenarios, and settled on the same one as some of you lovely readers.
It was likely he just needed a bit of space – consciously or unconsciously. I split a year before he did – his is still relatively fresh. He’s in a different place. He had just recently put himself up on the online dating site. I know I was his first, first date. It’s also possible I was the first woman he’d slept with since his split.
In addition, those 3 dates in 5 days were very intense. I think anyone might need a breather. It was a busy time and I knew his ex-wife and child were coming back home on the Monday.
So all in all, I had tried to tell myself that it probably had nothing to do with not being into me. It was very difficult to do so. But I know how important it is to not ascribe motivation to someone else’s actions. I’ve been on the receiving end of that in a few significant relationships of late, and it sucks. It’s bad when someone says you are doing X because of Y and you think – what the fuck are they talking about? Sure, I did X, but not for the reasons they think.
So, I put that belief into practice. There were lots of reasons I could think of he may not be in frequent communication, but at the end of the day, unless he tells me, I have NO IDEA.
Finally, at 2:56pm on Monday:
Hope you’re having a good day 🙂 I don’t think I can meet up tomorrow – but I look forward to seeing you next year 🙂
On the one hand, I was pleased to have heard from him. Obviously. On the other hand, I was disappointed I wasn’t going to see him on Tuesday and that his bailing came with no explanation.
On our last date, I had told him my Mom was going to have my son overnight on Tuesday. He said a friend was coming from out-of-town but not sure when – but either daytime or nighttime would probably work. Now as it turned out, my Mom cancelled because she was still sick. But regardless, I held out hope that perhaps we could meet for a couple of hours.
So I responded back with:
I’m leaving from the country shortly. I completely understand – would have been great to see you tomorrow sometime but get it if you can’t make it work. I’m back from NYC Friday mid-day, so perhaps Friday and/or Saturday night would work to go out?
and he closed with:
Sounds amazing – Saturday would probably give you some recovery time 🙂 I will text you this week with a plan.
I sent him one more text letting him know that on Sunday I had an early morning brunch with my ex (since I was pretty sure an overnight was in order). I heard nothing back.
That was Monday afternoon. My friend suggested that I would know he liked me if I heard from him around New Years….even if there was nothing before then.
There was nothing before then. Not Monday night, not any time on Tuesday. Not even early Wednesday (New Year’s Eve) morning. I was starting to get pretty morose about the whole thing. While I recognize people have different communication styles and all that, it seems to me if you dig someone, you communicate with them.
So it’s hard for me to understand how someone can like me, but then not send even the perfunctory “good morning” text. Then again, he is new to online dating, so perhaps he doesn’t realize how to keep women trailing along.
It was a test of my patience and of my ability to let things just be. I knew that texting him was going to do me no good. If he wanted to talk to me, he would reach out.
All became well with the world again whilst I was sitting in the airport frequent flier lounge with my friend, eating breakfast before we had to go down to the gate to fly to New York. 8:57am:
Have fun in NYC 🙂 Have a happy new year. I look forward to hearing some good stories when you get back 🙂
I said: Thanks! We are just hanging in the lounge 🙂 I look forward to sharing stories too. What are you up to tonight?
Him: Dinner with some friends and off to a house party. Nice and low key.
Okay, the dude has friends. This is a good thing. He’s got a life. I’m not the center of it. That all makes sense, naturally. I wished him a fun night and off we went.
After the midnight countdown with nobody rushing to make out with me on the dance floor, I decided to throw caution to the wind and send him a text. It simply said “Happy new year Tony…Wish I was there to kiss you xo”
Ironically when he replied back at 1:30am – with “Thanks…we can make up for it on the weekend ;)” – we had one of the longest text conversations we’d yet had. His party was going on and there was live music which reminded him of our date. On my way home in a taxi at 2am we joked that his quiet house party was going longer than my party in NYC.
As I got undressed I sent him a picture with my hand in my underwear (not dissimilar to the Sunday selfie I posted) and said “as I’m getting undressed, yes, slightly intoxicated, perhaps this will make you smile”.
His response was perfect: Yes it made me more than smile 🙂
The next day I used the excuse that my Sunday brunch was cancelled to send him a good morning and to let him know that my Sunday morning was now clear. He confirmed our date was Saturday night and he promised “an evening of activities”.
My post-apocalyptic illness kept me from a whole lot on Friday when I got home. I basically crawled into bed and slept. On Saturday I was still a bit tired but felt good enough for our date. I had, on a friend’s advice, told Tony I had been sick, it had been 48 hours, but I understood if he didn’t want to see me for fear of getting sick.
He made the right choice – and I was to meet him at 8pm. Date #4 was on.