The decidedly lower-key second date with Tony

Part One (how he reached out online) | Part Two (the first part of our first date) | Part Three (the end of our first date).

We didn’t want the first date to end, so we decided to continue it on Tuesday evening. No time like the present, since we were both child-free. At first we wanted to go out again for dinner, then we realized we were damn tired.

Tony came over to my place – promising to clean up his place to make it presentable for the next time. When I opened my front door to greet him he seemed genuinely happy to see me again. The greeting kiss was just as good as those from earlier that day.

We had a meal of wine with cheese and smoked meat and crackers – a shared joy. We listened to music and sat on my couch. He talked a lot and we took turns telling stories, but I noticed he didn’t ask me a whole lot about myself. I commented on it later and he said he knew he was like that, but found he learned just as much from people through what they tell him. And he remembers everything.

I explained that I associate people asking me questions with their interest in me. It’s hard for me to accept that someone won’t ask me things. But I’m also the opposite – I ask a lot of questions. So perhaps it’s just different and I shouldn’t read too much into it.

I told him that the night before was my best first date ever. We joked about how since it was his first first date, perhaps he didn’t know how good it was – but then he said he had no desire to have another first date. I can’t think of the last time someone said something that romantic to me. But it simultaneously freaked me out a little bit – because I can’t help but think that it will be too fast for him.

Between chats we would kiss. We touched constantly. It was still electric and the passion was simmering on the surface. Eventually we progressed from kissing between conversations to having conversations between kisses. We spent a lot of time just touching. I could see how much he liked my touch. I sensed he hadn’t been touched like that in a long time, and had missed it – and it made me wonder if I was the first woman he’d been with since his split.

From under his jeans I could feel his erection ebb and flow. I had noticed it the night before as well, but didn’t think much of it at the time. Now I started to get a bit worried. Perhaps it was just nerves.

He was on top of me on my couch and between all the tender touch and kisses there would be moments of aggression and extreme passion. We finally went upstairs to my bedroom. I was still on my period but it was a bit lighter, thankfully. He still didn’t care and even went down on me. His hit-and-miss erection was now something I noticed. It had me worried, but at some points I was too turned on to care. Finally, he was over top me and I couldn’t stand it anymore and simply whispered “Tony, please” in his ear.

He entered me and then there were what I euphemistically call “hydraulics” issues. It was hard for me to even know what was happening… but the bottom line was there was no hard cock to be had for more than a minute. It went unmentioned and we did other things, but later he did say he was very tired.

I really liked this guy, and he seemed to like me too.

As we were falling asleep we chatted some more. We hadn’t used a condom so I thought I should probably tell him that I was a) recently tested for all nasty bugs and was squeaky clean, and b) that I couldn’t get pregnant anymore. I told him about getting my fallopian tubes removed and why. He told me he was clean, that he hated condoms (ruined sensation and erections), and that he and his ex wife’s sex life suffered when she went off birth control because she suffered from migraines.

So then I lay there realizing that if he was sleeping with other people without condoms, then I certainly didn’t want to not use condoms with him. I am trying to be more careful in this regard. The thoughts were swirling around because I also didn’t know how to tell him that. So finally I just said it as I thought it – that I had no idea how to bring it up or how to ask, but that if he was sleeping with other people without condoms then I wasn’t comfortable doing the same. But I also said I wasn’t trying to have an exclusivity conversation.

He said that there was “pretty much” nobody else and it wasn’t like his POF inbox was brimming. I waited for him to ask me whether I was with others. When he didn’t, I asked him why he didn’t. He said he assumed since I asked him, then I had the same issue. I told him that I would be happy to say goodbye to the men who occasionally made an appearance in my life.

I don’t remember exactly what he said, but it was nice. So it looked like we had a preliminary version of the exclusivity conversation anyway.

The next morning we woke up and he quickly pulled me into him and started kissing me. He told me he was glad I told him about not being able to get pregnant since that was a worry of his. I started to form an opinion of the potential source of the hydraulics issues – perhaps a combination of performance anxiety if I’m his first post-split, and concerns about pregnancy?

The problems didn’t entirely go away that morning, but we did manage to have pretty good penetrative sex regardless. While that specific aspect wasn’t mind-blowing, with all of the other physical and mental chemistry we have, I have to believe it can get better. I like how he moves, how he touches me, and how he looks at me. He’s handsome, tall, has a nice body, and he left me with several bruises on my shoulders and arms from some particularly passionate moments.

He had an appointment with his personal trainer so had to leave fairly early. We made plans to go out on another date on Friday night. Three dates in one week – I could barely believe it.

I was able to get back to sleep and when I woke up we had some fun texting banter. It was the morning of Christmas eve. He told me he was going to sleep for the next two days since I’d left him “pretty spent”.

He was in pretty consistent communication over the next two days – he’s not a constant texter but I’m okay with that – I just need some regular check ins and to know that I’m on someone’s mind.

Given how great our first two dates were, I was very excited for the third. I couldn’t quite shake the knowledge that I was his first date since his split, and therefore the worry that it would become an issue…but I also knew I shouldn’t get too far ahead of myself. Not my strong suit, but I knew time would tell.

0 thoughts on “The decidedly lower-key second date with Tony

      • Ha ha ha. ‘It will be up on Monday hopefully’. You do mean our next update don’t you?

        On a more serious, lecturey, advicey kind of note, you remind me a bit of myself back in the days when I was footloose and fancy free. I was always more concerned with making sure I was infection-free and not a risk to my partner rather than firstly considering the risk the guy might be to me. Until the deed was done and I could no longer be sure my clean bill of health still applied. Then I freaked out until I could be tested again. Anyhoo, my point is, just because its safe for a guy to not use a condom with you doesn’t mean its safe for you to not use a condom with him. No. That’s not my point. My point is, think about your OWN health and safety first. Please 🙂

        • Oh yes, I do know that and completely agree with you. I wrote last year about how surprised I was that people would say “oh don’t worry, I get tested”, which is AFTER the fact. The reality is that most of these nasty bugs can be treated, but still.

          What also surprises me is how many people don’t know about what can get passed orally. The increase in ORAL gonorrhoea has increased 28% in my city last year. Reality is that people don’t think to use condoms for oral sex. I certainly don’t.

          The only thing that really terrifies me is HIV. It has a very low incidence in the hetero population here… but way higher if I have sex with men who have had sex with other men (which I have). I know some of my behavior is risky and stupid. Hence my resolution to be better about it.

  1. Ann,

    I wouldn’t read too much into the hydraulic irregularities as being an issue. If you are in fact his first, there are a boat load of emotions and thoughts swiring around in his head.

    The (lack of) condom use is a bit of a concern on both of you. I agree with him that they suck and diminish sensation, but the risks are far too great to not wear one. I suppose this *could* be perceived as confirmation of his first time post-break. It is still a risk, nevertheless (another hydraulics-issue influencer?).

    Regardless, I do like Tony, so far. He seems to be more in line with what you NEED (your list?).

    • Thanks Will – I am trying to not let it bother me. Each time was a little bit better so that gave me hope. I agree there could be a lot going on and I have compassion for men… women can fake much, but for you guys, it’s literally all out there.

      As I have said a lot lately, time shall tell.

      • The only time that I experience erection issues is after marathon nights of sex. Four or five orgams leave me somewhat desensitized and getting back up to shape takes a bit more time and *convincing. * As far as ED concerns, when my family experienced the loss of a relative (someone I was close to) last spring, Savannah wanted to take my mind off the emotional suffering and attempted oral on my uncooperative manhood. I wanted to accept her gift, but the grief was weighing upon my heart.

        Savannah took my situation personally (“Why can’t *I* get him there? What’s wrong with me?”) and it took a few days to get her to fully understand that my lack of erection was not related to her.

        This applies to you, too.

        Women fake? What? 😉

        • First of all, you big showoff you… most men can’t do the “four or five orgasms” thing. Forget being desensitized afterwards 🙂

          But yes, the second part of your comment, I totally understand. It’s difficult for us to not think it’s about us.

          I don’t fake anything… it’s bad feedback.

          • Show off? Hardly, my dear.

            Give Tony time to demonstrate how he really “feels” about you. I trust thst you will be more than happy with the progression and expression.

            Based upon what I have read on your blog, faking isn’t in your repitoire.

          • I agree about the faking. It has always been my point of view too.
            How can men know it wasn’t good if you fake? How can you start a conversation about sex and what you like and don’t like if you faked?
            I agree about the hydraulics problem too. It’s hard for us not to take it personally. I was going to say even more for Savannah, since she knows how to push the right buttons by now. But I realize it is just as hard, or even harder, when it’s with someone you haven’t had a chance to talk with about sex before. Am I not sexy enough? Doesn’t he fancy me? Am I not good at what I’m doing? So many questions can go through our minds, we sometimes forget it can be about the men 😉
            And I agree: Will IS a big show off! Poor other guys who can’t do more than one 😉

          • Yeah, poor fellas.

            Tony digs me physically – I just know it. So I don’t worry about that – but I do know that there could be all kinds of things that result in what’s happened so far. Sigh.

  2. Not to be a downer, but the ED (as you know), if it’s happening now…will probably continue to happen and is most likely to be the result of age. See what happens once or twice more than suggest you do something about it together – a difficult talk but not impossible once managed (I did it with S). It’s possible there is a contributing factor from first post-split date or first date anxieties, but I wouldn’t let it go much longer.

    The mental stimulation is so very key and he might be a perfect match in that regard for dating.

    I like him … and so far so good!

  3. No no no…Ann St. Vincent! There are things that are unseen and non-testable! Ugh. Now I definitely have to stick around. Protect that glorious vagina of yours…it’s your only one!

    …ok. Now that I have my lecturing out of the way….
    So I’ve experienced this before too with a guy. Well…a couple. Here is what I’ve learned. This erection thing can go one of two ways.
    A.) His problems will continue on like this and never change…otherwise becoming known as a “limp dick.”
    B.) He gets nervous with new partners and when he becomes more comfortable with you he’ll be like a Stallion. Hold on to your hat if it’s that one!
    Tony seems very lovely so far…I’ll be interested to see where this goes 😀

  4. I’d follow with J’s advice….and 4-5 orgasms? I did it twice….one time going right through the refractory period, the other time taking about 20 minutes between stints

    The rest of the times we tried, i made it to two (or sometimes just the one) because the buildup was so intense (i love lots of foreplay) and the result frazzled my brain :-/

    But anywho, see where things go with him. Everyone seems to be having great luck these first few days of 2015, and I hope this one seals the deal 🙂

    • As you know I like lengthy sessions… but I’m neutral whether that happens because a man has a short refractory need, or can just last a long time. As long as he’s having an amazing time too 🙂

    • Yes, the thought did cross my mind. I didn’t mention it at all, of course. Wouldn’t want to make it worse.

      And I agree that it can often get better…I think there is potential for that to happen with him.

  5. I am with everyone else: No condom should equate no penetrative sex, unless you have had the discussion BEFORE. You have you *and* a young child to think of.

    Now, aside from that, I still like Tony. The ED issue… as you said: time will tell 🙂
    And I’m looking forward to reading what time tells 😉

          • Well… you’ll have to hope they love you enough to work at making their imperfections as perfect as possible.

            And anyone who truly loves you for who you really are will realize you need to be satisfied sexually so they’ll have to compromise in whatever way is necessary to ensure that happens.

            And if they don’t? Well screw ’em! Metaphorically, that is! If it was me, I’d accept my imperfections and do whatever I needed to to make you happy, but that’s just me.

          • You are a good man. I know that I will just have to see what comes my way… how things are with Tony in the short term. It will be a test of my priorities, for certain.

What do you think?