E X C L U S I V I T Y | Aka what have I gotten myself into

Well, it has happened.

I am in an exclusive relationship. Has been that way for a while – since our first date, apparently – but was confirmed last night.

I am happy and scared at the same time.

There is so much more to write but a) I have to sleep and b) I will have 5 hours on an airplane tomorrow and intend to hopefully write content for the rest of the week, as I will be at a work trip.

I like Tony. A lot. Turns out he likes me too. Enough for neither of us to want to be distracted by anyone else.

My emotional needs are starting to be met but the physical? Not so much.

It’s not perfect, but I think we are well matched. But I have no idea if I can do this.

More to come, guaranteed.

0 thoughts on “E X C L U S I V I T Y | Aka what have I gotten myself into

  1. I for one, I am very happy for you for the emotional side of this news. I can’t help but feel optimistic for you and Tony in regards to the physical side of this. Its not at your pace. I would imagine that this is not Tony’s pace, either.

  2. I’m so happy to read this.

    That your emotional needs are being met is awesome, I can only hope that you guys work towards the physical being met too because I know that it can totally screw things up if they aren’t.

    YAY πŸ˜€


    • Thanks hon. The physical has me quite concerned. Never mind the gaps in time and space. He told me he is trying to get better at texting, so that is something.

      But my cravings are so strong…

      • Ahhh and that’s what I’d be worried about as well honey.

        I know how much the physical is important to me, and to you. It’s great that he’s trying to get better at texting but how are you guys going to address the physical incompatibility? Might be something to think on and have a talk to him about.

        He may have some ideas too, you never know πŸ™‚

        • I will definitely bring it up – but I didn’t see him in person this weekend and knew the exclusivity conversation was the first one to have. Now that it is established, perhaps after the next physical encounter I will bring it up. Need an opening line though…

          • Ugh. There’s never a good opener to that. Maybe talk about how much of a nympho you are? Lol

            Or at least lead in with the fact that you’re worried about the drop in the physical? How maybe to address it?

          • There’s no reason to doubt that you will be able to broach this subject with him and that he will be receptive of it. Judging by your success with him in this latest development, I would expect that Tony will respond in ways that will continue to surprise you.

            I can’t rehearse anything. If I have to have a difficult discussion (like when I had to let go of an employee last month), I can’t prepare my words. I tend to read the person first and then and determine what to say and the way to deliver it. You strike me as being very similar. You can search for an opening line, but you will toss it aside and go with what you are sensing.

            There I go with my optimism again.

          • I hope he’s responsive and last night’s conversation (which you have a heads up on, I know) was a good sign that we can talk about things. He’s just not naturally someone who opens up about hopes / dreams / fears / feelings.

            I have to rehearse a few parts of any key conversation. Knowing how I will open it up, and if there are specific phrases that I think could be problematic, I think about how to say it (and not say it)… for example, I might use the phrase “have you had this issue before” to ask about his ED, which is clearly negative. But instead I would practice saying something different (like “have you experienced anything like this before”) which is way less negative but it’s effectively the same question.

            But you know me and how important word precision is πŸ™‚

          • There is a fine line between asking a difficult question that invites openness and the feeling of security and trust and a question that sends one reeling in self-doubt. I fully understand that there is a necessity to carefully choose precise words.

            I was trying to put myself in Tony’s shoes to figure out how I would respond, but it was quite difficult to get a sense of the situation.

            I do love your approach.

  3. I am hopeful this will turn out well for you! And I hope you manage to find some resolution to the physical. This is where I always struggled with my husband, he is amazing at meeting all my emotional needs, he is a fantastic partner and co-parenter, but the physical side has always been lacking. I always felt all the other things matter more. And I am hopeful that I am right, but I desperately want to get over the hurdle of the physical just not quite being what I need.
    I hope your more successful than I am at figuring it out and that you can then share what worked!

    • If I had to choose, I would absolutely pick emotional over physical. However I’m so aware of what happened in my marriage and the lack of physical intimacy. I have promised myself that I would try to have both in my next relationship… and I do think that this is achievable with Tony, I just need to have the conversation about his issues and hope that we can work through them.

      Longer term, I also worry about how I will do with just one person, given some of my fantasies and desires. But that’s a worry for another day.

      • I completely understand the need to have more physical intimacy than in your marriage. You know I do. But I wonder if, for you too, it was linked to a lack of emotional connection. Because I think on the few occasions when we were able to connect emotionally, the physical intimacy wasn’t so bad with my ex. So I know that the emotional connection is more important to me than the physical one, because I know that I will get it, eventually. But I am not ready to go without a physical connection any more either, so I get where you’re coming from.
        As far as the multiple partner fantasies, to me that isn’t necessarily something that you will have to give up. I can totally picture myself being exclusive in the sense that I have a partner, someone with whom I share myself totally, and we can share one another with others on occasion, but come back to each other at the end of the night. Who knows, maybe Tony may be willing to go for that?
        Only time will tell πŸ™‚

  4. I hink there are plenty of ways to resolve the physical needs. And it’s not like there is an incompatibility, because you seem to have fun with him when you are together, even if you would like more hardness. He makes you come, you have fun with him. So I think there is hope to find a solution to have them met more consistently. And the fact your emotional needs are met is already a great thing. It seems to me that those, the connection etc, are much more difficult to find a good match for. But that may just be me πŸ˜‰
    Let us know how you feel being exclusive. Oh, who am I kidding, I know you will πŸ˜‰

    • Dawn – yes, you are right that we are compatable. I’m hoping the hydraulics are manageable with meds…just need to have that conversation.

      I’m worried not about being exclusive as much as I am whether he’s going to be open to perhaps sharing / playing with others at some point. Not sure I am ready to give up my fantasies just yet.

      But unequivocally I agree that the emotional needs are more difficult to find a match. I had amazing sex (as you know lol) with men who were a terrible emotional match. And ultimately I couldn’t make that work.

      And yes, of course you will know!!

      • I should have read this reply before leaving mine above πŸ˜‰
        Yes, I do hope for you that he may be open to sharing. For me, the exclusivity talk means that he is not looking for other dates or other relationships, just as you won’t. Then, talking about fantasies is a different thing altogether πŸ™‚

  5. I think when the emotional side is there it’s easier to sort any potential physical incompatibility. Working on it will also make your bond become stronger.

    • I absolutely agree – having that bond means we can work on it. It’s also why I wanted to have an exclusivity conversation before any kind of “hydraulics issues” conversation. Because if that bond isn’t there for him I doubt he’d be open enough to the discussion.

      The only incompatability we have – as far as I know – is that he has some form of ED. But there is amazing chemistry and all the other elements are there.

  6. Congrats, and good luck to you! Yessica is right, if the emotional part is satisfying the physical can be worked out, and can in fact bring you closer together…you just might have to get creative.

    As for an opening line, you might tell him that you enjoy him so much, and that you really enjoy sex, and that you want to make sure he enjoys it every bit as much as you do…that ought to open the door.

    • I like that approach. I’ve asked him something similar, yet a bit “softer”, once when I gave him a blowjob that failed to keep him hard. I asked if there was anything else I could do for him. He didn’t really have an answer. I presume he knows there is an issue but obviously don’t know whether this is new or if it existed before…. so perhaps after a few other sessions I will have the balls (pardon the pun) to bring it up. Gently.

  7. I’m inclined to think that for some people (yes – even men!) exclusivity can open up more physical possibilities because there is an overall feeling of safety and desire to truly feel complete with another. He’s already expressed an interest in your toys – that’s a positive, right?? It tells me he enjoys being physical with you and wants to please you, not just get what he needs. I’m thrilled for you – I’m a hopeless romantic who cannot live without the emotional fulfillment a relationship brings. I may be way more vanilla than most people but still – being over 40 changes the physical game big time – so I completely get what you’re feeling on that level too. Not that you asked, but i recommend giving it Time. (Along with communication.)

    • Hi Tara! Yes, I wonder as well if him knowing we are exclusive will help the ED response. And yes, he’s interested in toys, and my high heels (giggle), and finding out what I wear under my suits. So he definitely is fun and likes to explore and likes to please. All really good signs I think that he would be open to figuring out how to address the ED. I just need to find a way to bring it up that is as comfortable as possible for him.

      I definitely want that emotional fulfilment and have found it so interesting to observe my own reactions to not hearing as much from him as I would like, compared to others. The big difference is that I know he likes me and he’s not pursing others. Not treating me as someone in his stable. So I definitely want to give him the same courtesy in turn.

      And BTW there is no unsolicited advice here…it’s all welcome. Thank you πŸ™‚

  8. Well here I am, Ms single, giving my two cents. I think it is best to address the sexual incompatibility somehow because going with the flow can turn detrimental.
    You can begin the talk by asking him what is the thing he loves the most, that makes his toes curl. I would address it in terms of how to please him rather than how he is not pleasing you because it may put too much pressure on him if he feels like he is doing it and doing it well..
    I was in a marriage where my husband was my absolute best friend. We were emotionally so compatible from the very day we met. We had good times together, could talk about most things and blah blah blah…if he stayed in the friend zone we would have been friends to the end. He had no care about sex though as if his penis was more a nuisance than anything. And I had a high drive. So it started with me going in the bathroom and silently finishing the job on my own. Then it got to the point that I stayed in the bathroom A LOT. We finally had the talk 6 years into the relationship. It was hard (the talk) because we were such good friends otherwise. He tried to be more enthusiastic about it and tried to use his imagination but it didn’t work and I started thinking it was me. I couldn’t take it any longer and I wound up divorcing him.
    I never found anyone as compatible with me as he was and I often wondered if it was a mistake to divorce him over sex. I now see why some people have open marriages, although that is not my style. I think he would have accepted it though. He was that easy going.
    Sometimes it seems there is no middle ground. The more perfect the guy and the more the sex sucks, and the better sexual partner he is the more his personality sucks or something major sucks. It comes down to what can you put up with more? Why is that? I am single and my policy is to never take a single girls relationship advice so I try not to give any out just relay experience but I hope you guys work it out. It sounds like he makes you very happy otherwise.

    • I would accept your one cent advice as well πŸ˜€

      I will absolutely address the ED, it is simply about finding the right time. After I get to see him a couple more times, I will definitely broach it. Given how many times we have been together now, and especially after an exclusivity conversation, if it doesn’t get better then for sure. As you probably have read by now, my marriage ended up essentially sexless for many years, and I will not accept a bad physical situation again.

      I’m sorry to read about your marriage and the breakdown. It’s very difficult when there isn’t that compatability. I do think with Tony that we have similar drive and interest. It’s his follow through that wanes, sadly.

      But I totally know what you mean about physical vs. emotional. Too often it’s been a choice with the men I’ve dated. I wish to have the physical compatability with “NIM” with someone else… it was probably my best sex ever. But alas, so far I haven’t found a great balance. Only one ever came close.

      And on the topic of advice? I think single girl advice is quite valid… especially when it’s from the angle of knowing what’s important and finding oneself first πŸ™‚ Too often we just want someone to want us, and we find outselves in a bad relationship. Now, someone who had NEVER been in a long term relationship would be different!

      • LOL true.
        I guess there is little middle ground. I stay single now because it is easier for me. I rather work on my house than to be hashing out issues. I do enough of that at work. And I am in my 50’s and as you get older that ED situation only gets worse. Makes you kind of want to hang on to any hard leg that comes along who knows how to do it. and at least I would have someone to hammer some shit around here. LOL I’m just kidding but the thought does cross my mind.. and also I am thankful I get to do my house in all shades of pink/rose/burgundy/ etc LOL.

  9. After being married for over 28 years I can tell you that it is difficult to have it all. Not impossible, but difficult. It is nothing short of amazing that my hubby and I are still married. To say we have been through some hard times is an understatement. BUT even through the bad times, the sex was good… great sometimes! It was “sex” not making love (big difference) because frankly, we didn’t like each other at all! And well… he WAS an asshole. As we have healed and made our relationship/friendship better, the sex has waned. HUGE problem for me! But HE lost a lot of his libido for various reasons…age, weight, hormones, Low T (yes that is a real problem) etc. There are emotional issues between us also that still need work but we are in the best place we have ever been in, ever! I thank God every day I am not single anymore because I would hate to try and work through all this stuff again with someone new. I think if I were to find myself single again at my age, I would stay that way!! I would want to have fun and I could certainly find that out there, but to find the one who has it all, I believe is hard (as you are finding out). Need to think about what is most important because sex will not always be. Take that out of the equation and what do you have left??
    Congrats on the exclusivity. Try not to focus too much on what you don”t have (yet) and be grateful for what you DO have with Tony. He sounds great!!

    • This is great advice, Courtney, thank you. I absolutely know of what you speak with regard to relationships. Your comment about your marriage made me laugh (with you, not at you) and I’m happy that you guys are working through things. I know how difficult it is.

      Being single sucks. But I would not want to go back to what I had before. I remind myself of that every time something bad happens to me when dating.

      I am enjoying what I have right now. I’m doing a decent job not getting ahead of myself. It’s fun to be learning more about each other with each interaction. As my best friend reminded me, dating is actually supposed to be for getting to know someone better!

  10. You’re so use to sex being the main component of a relationship…and how has that worked for you so far? Let the emotional yummy-ness dissolve all of your worries…the physical stuff can be worked out. Yay!

    • EXACTLY. I completely agree with you my friend. Hence my not seeking out others, to be honest – and I’ve had a few recent offers I could have taken advantage of. I know how rare the emotional connection is for me and ultimately, if I had to pick one or the other, it would be that. Now, Tony and I have great physical chemistry and passion. This is not a case of falling for someone that I’m not attracted to, or where there’s no passion, etc. But we have a wee ED issue that needs to be addressed.

  11. Ann, that sounds wonderful, exhilarating and yes, scary. Speaking of the need being as it is, sexually, I tend to agree that with the emotional needs and newfound intimacy at that level, the two of you may be able to find that rhythm, the zone. I do believe that working together, through a lot of safe communication (and perhaps some other assistance ;)) earlier rather than later will be key. And don’t forget, as Warm CrΓ¨me has posted about, through that communication he and his have found a highly pleasurable state. Looking forward to hearing more. You got this Ann, and so many people rooting for you!

    • Thank you!! Yes I don’t want to go too long but also want him to be as comfortable as possible before I bring it up. Perhaps there is no good time, I do recognize this. I have hope… and fear… but so far am working on taking it one day at a time.

      And it is wonderful to have so many people rooting for me. Including you. Thank you so much (and I look forward to hearing about your recent meeting!!).

  12. “More to come, guaranteed.”
    As long as you’re the “more”, I’ll remain happy for you, Ann.
    Good luck and all the best to you and your new beau.

    • A blogging friend actually gave me some Cialis… but I mentioned this to a girlfriend and she was horrified at the thought. Said I might give him a heart attack. Of course I’d read the warnings to him first!!

          • I can’t believe he hasn’t addressed the situation already. I think it is a great testament to how much you like him that you’re willing to help him seek a solution and be exclusive!

          • He must know it is a problem, right?!

            And yes, I suppose it is. Exclusivity helps me not worry why I am not seeing him more. It is also the right time for me to have a slower pace and be able to focus on one person.

            But we have to get the ED dealt with.

          • I would think the exclusivity would help open up that dialogue. He has to know it is a problem. If this was a fluke, he would have told you. I wonder if he is on a medication that plays a role like an anti-depressant. He is physically fit and active so that shouldn’t be an issue. It is not about his desire, clearly. It has got to be something correctable.

          • That was my thought as well, that now that we’ve had the exclusivity conversation, it’s easier to have the next talk.

            He mentioned today he may go to the doctors for some stomach problems he is having… I had to hold back saying “hey can you get that ED checked out too?”

  13. Best of luck to you Ann. I think as long as you are open with him about your needs and desires then nothing but good things can come from this. As others have said, he has shown interest in your toys and that is a great sign, let him play… he also has a side he obviously wants to explore with the restraint system for his bed, so encourage it. Share with him your kinky side, the things you have done and enjoyed… perhaps he will want to be adventurous too and maybe in the process your physical needs will be met. It can’t hurt right?

    • Thank you Tis. I definitely have hope my desires can be met. For the reasons you summarize. I need to have the ED conversation and then depending how that goes I will have a better sense of what is possible.

What do you think?