I originally titled this post “how ignoring an insanely amorous Italian kept him coming back for more”.
When I un-hid my dating profiles in November, it was with the promise to myself I would not waste energy on men who weren’t worth my time. This included those who:
– I didn’t find remotely attractive;
– Lived outside my city;
– Were beyond a reasonable age range (35-50);
– Didn’t seem to have basic characteristics important to me, including intelligence, curiosity, humor, and passion for life; and
– Were looking only for sex / hookups or the euphemistic “friends with benefits”.
I also decided I would not search for men nor make first contact: I would only respond to those who reached out to me first. By the way, I strongly recommend this to any woman who is online dating – it guarantees at least a modicum of interest with those you interact with and it makes a difference.
This was a different approach from a year ago. Prior, I would have wasted my time on those who were truly not a good match or had no potential, because of the promise (often misrepresented) of at least a physical connection.
No surprise how that ultimately worked out, from a relationship perspective.
It felt AMAZING, this new approach. I wasn’t ready for it before, but not bothering with the ones I knew weren’t worth it was the right thing. I have a draft post about those that I didn’t engage with.
This post is about one that I did.
His profile showed a handsome man, my age, divorced with a child. Seemingly passed my criteria – his profile said he was looking for a relationship. I call him the “Italian” only because it was such a big part of his identity. Normally things like race and country of origin are not how I would choose to identify someone.
I can’t find our opening messages anymore, but there was something intriguing about it – in hindsight, it was pretty flirty, but his intelligence showed through.
We moved to text messaging and he quickly tried to get me to send him sexy pictures. I refused but deflected with humour. I was determined to not cave. To first meet for coffee or a drink, and take it from there.
There were definitely sexy undertones to his discussions but I thought there was something else as well. He said he wanted something ongoing and wanted to date. One night at 10:30 we were texting and I said “if you are up and want to talk on the phone let me know – I will be up until 11”.
I heard nothing. I figured it was the sign that he was gone. I was just a tiny bit sad.
Then at 11:48, right after I signed off from my computer: “hey bella. just finished the game. are you still up”
I said yes, and he called. He said he just wanted to hear my voice. We talked for 10 mins and then he said his buddies were waving him over to have a drink. He said he just didn’t want to miss me. Asked if I would be up later (no).
Said he would talk to me the next day and I said I would like that.
Shortly afterwards we started to talk about getting together for a drink. It never seemed to work. Granted my schedule wasn’t the best, and he also had full-time child care responsibilities. The sexy talk was always there as well, but again, I thought he wanted more. We exchanged some hot pictures a couple of times.
And the balance started to shift. A typical response when I told him the area I lived in was “I can’t wait to make love to you in your house”.
Then one day in mid-December (5 days before Tony reached out to me online), I had a horrible day at work. I got reamed out by a more senior executive at my company – I was beyond stressed out. I had to spend a couple of hours with my ex at my son’s holiday concert.
I was texting back and forth with the Italian and mentioned I needed some stress release. In response:
Him: Invite me over 🙂 Boy I will relieve a lot of it 🙂
Me: What are you doing tonight?
Him: Coming over to your house and fucking your brains out.
Me: Not nice to tease!
Him: Invite me over then.
Me: I will be home around 630 I think, after a holiday concert for my son.
Him: OMG I thought you were teasing me grrr. Ok I finish tennis with my son at 10:30pm. I could come after. Is that too late sexy?
Me: Why would I tease!?
Him: I don’t know lol.
Me: That’s just mean.
Him: It would be. I didn’t know you were serious.
Me: It’s late but would be nice to meet you.
Him: I’ll be casual in my track suit. But if I come there I WILL BE INSIDE YOU MY SEXY! 🙂
Me: lol one track mind
Him: Sorry just being honest.
He never showed. Never texted until the next morning. I gave him shit and he said he was later than expected and figured he would wake me up if he texted.
I called bullshit.
And realized I didn’t want to engage with him that way. I decided our first meeting would not be at my place, and I told him as much.
And then his true colours came through.
It would have been fun to share the litany of crap that spewed forth, but I didn’t have the energy to write it all down. And it was the holidays and I also met Tony. Way better man to spend my blog calories on.
The Italian sent text message after text message telling me what he wanted to do to my body. In some other circumstances, it might have been hot. But it was tiresome.
When I told him I was happy to meet him for coffee one night, he flat out refused. He said he wasn’t willing to “go backwards” with me. Because I had invited him to my place that one night, he refused any other alternate plan to meet.
It quickly became about respect for me. He didn’t have any. In refusing to even meet for a coffee, it was crystal clear he only wanted a hookup. He told me he wanted just one person to be with, but frankly I didn’t believe him. He told me I had too many rules. That I was too uptight.
Basically, he tried to argue me out of my position and my beliefs. He belittled what I wanted and how I wanted it.
I told him flat out (and this is one of my favourite text messages I’d ever sent): “My desire for sex no longer outweighs my desire for respect.”
His response? “Who says I don’t respect you?”
I think I literally snorted my coffee when I saw that response. The man was delusional. I stopped responding to his texts. Then he started messaging me on the dating site. He wouldn’t stop. One morning I woke up to the following, which he’d sent at 6am:
“I would eat you out while sliding 2 fingers in your ass if I were there right now. Gently chew on your clitoris. Make you squirm and beg for more.”
I completely ignored him but he kept going. One day I told him to stop texting me and he tried to argue that one day I would realize my rules were foolish and I would come back to him when I changed my mind.
Again he reached out and I asked him why he bothered – implying perhaps he wasn’t having luck elsewhere?
It’s so much fun playing with someone who is an asshole with an ego. There was a litany of messages back telling me he had no trouble getting laid and did I want to see pictures of all the women he’d slept with.
I ignored that. I wish I could remember what he said to me that inspired me to tell him to “fuck off” and block him.
You would think, wouldn’t you, that he would stop? NOPE.
Literally two days ago, on WhatsApp, I got a message from him. He’s a persistent fucker. His text? “You ready yet?”
He’s on permanent ignore.