I didn’t talk to him at all on Saturday night (the day after our night together). I knew I needed to tell him it wasn’t going to work, but I just wasn’t up to it. I texted him a nice goodnight text and didn’t hear anything back.
The next morning I got the following text: “Babe you got me sick 🙁 totally have a very sore throat and been coughing all night”. I did feel bad, although I felt like I had duly warned him.
He called and we spoke ever so briefly – I was with my son and couldn’t stay on the phone. Later in the afternoon, I took a deep breath and gave him a call. We made small talk for a while and then I said what I needed to say:
“I don’t think it’s going to work between us. I feel like there will always be friction between what you want and what I’m willing to give.”
He said “what so are you a mind reader now and you know what I want?”
(For the record, on one of his profiles he states: “I love it rough, nasty and the more my partner gets off by being humiliated and degraded the better.”)
I asked him whether he thought I was incorrect.
He basically said yes, but then followed with “I’m not going to try to change your mind. It’s fine.”
It was an interesting discussion from there forward. In my recent breakup conversation with Andrew, in contrast, I asked him to clarify a few things, asked for some examples, and also cautiously (and not defensively) gave him my point of view where I saw things differently.
This was not quite the same. I made some notes as I was on the phone because I wanted to get a few of the choice phrases correctly.
To start with the interesting, when I told him that he was also moving too quickly for me, he said:
- I thought it was a good thing to suggest doing some other things with you. If all you want to do is have me come to your house and fuck you, then I’m okay with that.
- All I did was suggest dinner and going shopping together. You say you want a relationship but perhaps you should change your profile to just say you want sex, because you are freaking out when someone wants more than that from you.
I confess that these statements of his have made me think. I’m trying to decompose what it was exactly that made me nervous about his suggestions. They weren’t extreme, by any stretch. Perhaps it’s that I knew he wasn’t right for me and so any whiff of something more serious is off-putting.
If it was someone who I was smitten over, would it be the same?
Yeah, I think so.
I suspect part of it for me is how it’s done. Using Andrew as an example, I might say “hey, are you free on Friday night? I’m having a party and it might be fun for you to come”. That is very different from the presumption that he would come. I think the Dog Trainer had the natural possessive instinct that came through. He didn’t say “I’m really good picking out toys for kids; do you want me to come shopping with you?”. That might have been different.
The next choice sarcastic phrase of his was this:
- Did I leave on Friday night all pissed off or unhappy? Yeah, I guess I was really upset.
Yes, he had a point. I wanted to see him once more to see exactly what it would be like if we had sex and I didn’t do some things he wanted. Like I said, he wasn’t all pissy when I didn’t answer the door how he wanted. He made a funny comment about it and that was it.
So he wasn’t an outright asshole about the whole thing.
Which is partly what gets me into trouble with my gut. I simply know that someone isn’t right for me, but when I decompose the different things, I find that things aren’t always so clear.
But these next two things he said to me…well, they reinforced my decision. There was a lot he could have said to me that might have made me rethink things. Had he said “you know babe, I’m so used to women who are full-on submissives I forget sometimes that not everyone is like that. I’m working on it with you and I think you are amazing and I would love to see you again. I promise to drop some of the things I’ve been asking you about – I understand it might take time and you need to trust me more”.
That might have done it. But NOPE. Instead I got this:
- What, do you want me to cry like all the other guys you have done this to?
And the best:
- I’m not all sad because a girl I fucked once says she doesn’t want to see me again. There are plenty of you out there.