When dogs can't be trained (The conclusion of my dog trainer miniseries)

Dog Trainer Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

I didn’t talk to him at all on Saturday night (the day after our night together). I knew I needed to tell him it wasn’t going to work, but I just wasn’t up to it. I texted him a nice goodnight text and didn’t hear anything back.

The next morning I got the following text: “Babe you got me sick 🙁 totally have a very sore throat and been coughing all night”. I did feel bad, although I felt like I had duly warned him.

He called and we spoke ever so briefly – I was with my son and couldn’t stay on the phone. Later in the afternoon, I took a deep breath and gave him a call. We made small talk for a while and then I said what I needed to say:

“I don’t think it’s going to work between us. I feel like there will always be friction between what you want and what I’m willing to give.”

He said “what so are you a mind reader now and you know what I want?”

(For the record, on one of his profiles he states: “I love it rough, nasty and the more my partner gets off by being humiliated and degraded the better.”)

I asked him whether he thought I was incorrect.

He basically said yes, but then followed with “I’m not going to try to change your mind. It’s fine.”

It was an interesting discussion from there forward. In my recent breakup conversation with Andrew, in contrast, I asked him to clarify a few things, asked for some examples, and also cautiously (and not defensively) gave him my point of view where I saw things differently.

This was not quite the same. I made some notes as I was on the phone because I wanted to get a few of the choice phrases correctly.

To start with the interesting, when I told him that he was also moving too quickly for me, he said:

  • I thought it was a good thing to suggest doing some other things with you. If all you want to do is have me come to your house and fuck you, then I’m okay with that.
  • All I did was suggest dinner and going shopping together. You say you want a relationship but perhaps you should change your profile to just say you want sex, because you are freaking out when someone wants more than that from you.

I confess that these statements of his have made me think. I’m trying to decompose what it was exactly that made me nervous about his suggestions. They weren’t extreme, by any stretch. Perhaps it’s that I knew he wasn’t right for me and so any whiff of something more serious is off-putting.

If it was someone who I was smitten over, would it be the same?

Yeah, I think so.

I suspect part of it for me is how it’s done. Using Andrew as an example, I might say “hey, are you free on Friday night? I’m having a party and it might be fun for you to come”. That is very different from the presumption that he would come. I think the Dog Trainer had the natural possessive instinct that came through. He didn’t say “I’m really good picking out toys for kids; do you want me to come shopping with you?”. That might have been different.

The next choice sarcastic phrase of his was this:

  • Did I leave on Friday night all pissed off or unhappy? Yeah, I guess I was really upset.

Yes, he had a point. I wanted to see him once more to see exactly what it would be like if we had sex and I didn’t do some things he wanted. Like I said, he wasn’t all pissy when I didn’t answer the door how he wanted. He made a funny comment about it and that was it.

So he wasn’t an outright asshole about the whole thing.

Which is partly what gets me into trouble with my gut. I simply know that someone isn’t right for me, but when I decompose the different things, I find that things aren’t always so clear.

But these next two things he said to me…well, they reinforced my decision. There was a lot he could have said to me that might have made me rethink things. Had he said “you know babe, I’m so used to women who are full-on submissives I forget sometimes that not everyone is like that. I’m working on it with you and I think you are amazing and I would love to see you again. I promise to drop some of the things I’ve been asking you about – I understand it might take time and you need to trust me more”.

That might have done it. But NOPE. Instead I got this:

  • What, do you want me to cry like all the other guys you have done this to?

And the best:

  • I’m not all sad because a girl I fucked once says she doesn’t want to see me again. There are plenty of you out there.

Sayonara, Asshole. 


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0 thoughts on “When dogs can't be trained (The conclusion of my dog trainer miniseries)

    • Yeah, I always say you can tell the real measure of a person when they are under stress or are challenged.

      So since he responded rather aggressively and in a totally dickwad way, told me quite a lot about him.

  1. I feel like I made DT out to not be a good guy and I feel bad about that, especially since I never laid eyes on the guy, heard his voice, etc. He has a few hints of being a decent guy. But all of that aside. I was absolutely correct (but not to say this for gloating – that would be just as much of an asshole move as DTs parting comments.

    Moving quickly and pushing ones self into a situation is not relationship building. Resisting the same doesn’t equate to you doing something other than what you stated that you were seeking (in your profile). Last time I checked, and I could be wrong with this but, there has to be chemistry and interest in YOU (DT). Also, people might just require more (time, conversation, etc.) to allow that to develop naturally. It can’t be forced.

    Sorry, sweetie. He is an asshole. I can smell them coming from miles away.

  2. So I’m finally all caught up on the dog trainer… WOW! Ummmm, what to say about this one? He is in the right profession. lol

    I suppose a couple of things. Him asking about cumming on your face, that didn’t bother me at all. If two people are having a conversation about sex, then in my mind the door is open to talking about sex. This is where the important stuff is found out, better that he asked about it then just did it without checking. Him continuing on about it though after you expressed that you were not into it was a dickhead move.

    Him not wanting you on top, was all kinds of weird to me, especially his reasoning. What that told me was that he is not a Dom, he is just an cocky asshole. Good riddance. I mean this really has me shaking my head and laughing at how absurd he is.

    On the more emotional side of this and you still discovering what it is you want out of a relationship. I think this experience will help you refine your list even more. You has questioned yourself as to whether his (over) attentiveness would have been a turn off if you were actually into the guy and you suspected the answer would still be yes. From everything I’ve read and what you have said you want, I don’t think that is the case. I think you do want someone to be that in to you, I just think it scares you because then it creates a vulnerability.

    Also, again from the outside looking in. I can see how this can be confusing to the guys you are meeting and the message you are putting out there. You move very quickly with them sexually, you state you want a relationship, but then put on the breaks when that starts to happen too fast. I’m sure this is confusing to them because hell you are already sleeping with them. It’s can come off like you are wanking them with one hand and pushing them away with the other.

    You may need to be more upfront about your modus operandi. Really spelling out for them that you although you ultimately want a relationship that aspect needs to move at a slower pace than the physical aspect. IDK, I’m just thinking out loud here after reading these past few posts and catching up. Take all this with a grain of salt and the knowledge that I myself have zero experience with anything you are dealing with. 🙂

    Hugs, xoxo

    • Hey hon.

      I’m not inherently opposed to someone asking about cumming on my face – but if I say no up front, like you said, I expected he would drop it for a while.

      You are right, I DO want someone to be that into me, but I also – no matter what – think it’s foolish for that to happen instantly. Like 2nd date. I mean, really. Even if I think a guy is great, it is a HUGE red flag to me when someone moves that quickly.

      So absolutely it would be great for someone to plan things, proactively ask to see me, be interested in multiple areas of my life, etcetera… but there’s a way that shows interest, and then there is a way that presumes everything is going to work out. I will try to explain this more because it’s a good thing for me to think more about.

      Good point about moving quickly in some aspects but not others. I shall ponder. I actually had an interesting coffee date with someone where we talked a little bit about that and he had some insights.

      Thanks for the things to think about!!

      xoxo

  3. Okay I’ll throw in my comments to add to what Tis said. I don’t think you are appreciating the two sides of the DT. On one hand he seems like an ass by some of the things he says to you. Yet he turns around and does things that are sweet.

    I think you’re missing the D/s relationship here. A Dom/Master tells his sub what to do such as show up at the door naked with a butt plug. If you were a real sub then that’s what you would do even if it humiliated you because it puts you in your place, which you secretly desire. A sub is controlled by her Dom and that’s what she needs. He told you this when he said that his normal girls are full on subs.

    If you are going to be in a D/s relationship, you need to understand and play the game. That’s a reason being in “Position” (on your knees with your hands behind your back to his right) is to show humility and total submission to your Dom.

    As a Dom he knows what’s best for you and you should obey without question. That’s why the tests such as opening the door in the buff and putting in a butt plug. Your Dom will always protect you and you need to give up control to him but you must obey!

    D/s is an elaborate game and has rules. He just assumes you want to play as you’ve given off clues that you like it. But he has also shown that he is a good and caring person when he is not in role.

    So when I say “On your knees, Bitch!” it really means I love you!

    • But he wasn’t her Dom. He was just a bully. You don’t meet someone and instantly start dominating them. It’s about trust, agency, and consent – none of which Ann gave. She only expressed curiosity and a desire for assertive sex.

    • Larry, I think you may have misunderstood where I was coming from in my comment as I did not see this man as a Dom at all and felt his tactics were less than admirable by pushing Ann.

      Now had they overtime developed a D/s relationship and he was pushing her boundaries which would have been talked through and agreed upon in advance that’s different. But this clearly was not the case.

    • I understand that in a D/s relationship, that’s what happens. However with this guy, I was clear from the first discussion that I was not a submissive, although I had some tendencies that I was interested in exploring.

      Would you tell a woman on a first date to “get on your knees Bitch!”?

  4. Good riddance and good for you. I don’t think I could have kept my cool long enough to have a conversation with him. Look at this way, at least me made for an interesting adventure.

    • I try to be genuine and honest in my dealings with men. I don’t like being left hanging and experiencing the “slow fade”. So I gave him the courtesy I want. A clear and simple (and kind) explanation as to why I didn’t think it was going to work.

    • Well, there are plenty on some sites. The thing for me is that I was VERY clear that I was not a submissive – and he thought he knew better than me.

      That kind of attitude is a clear red flag for me and sometime I won’t put up with.

  5. This struck home with me:

    “I simply know that someone isn’t right for me, but when I decompose the different things, I find that things aren’t always so clear.”

    That gut feel isn’t about ‘a thing he does or doesn’t do’, it’s ‘this doesn’t feel right’ *even if everything he does is perfect*.

    But fuck it if our brains STILL don’t want to make logical sense of it and lean towards over-riding what we KNOW to be true. That’s that ‘self-talk’ where we convince ourselves (sometimes over and over) that it’s worth continuing to try. Gah!

    I’m SO glad he didn’t say the right things to you because I can imagine you’d have limped along with it for however long and drawn it out and self-talked and angsted over it while all of us nosy parkers would be yelling ‘DTMFA’!!

    *laugh*

    As observers we all know everything of course: In the meantime, as architects of our own lives we are too busy stepping in shit to notice that our house is burning down…

    Ferns

    • Oh Ferns, thank you so much for that comment.

      You are SO SO SO right about my trying to make logical sense of it all. And I found myself weighing the behaviour that was good and the behaviour I didn’t like as much.

      I find it hard to just *know* when I don’t have a long list of examples yet. But I did know, so I just needed to end it. Even still, I find myself, today, wondering just a little bit if it was the right thing to do.

      And yes, it is sometimes way easier to be an observer. I’m no different. Even though I try to write all sides and represent very accurately exactly what happens, I’m sure at some level there is a bias especially once I’ve decided the way I want to go with something. So what you read is a slightly biased version, which will be more cut-and-dried than real life.

      • Ann,

        “Even still, I find myself, today, wondering just a little bit if it was the right thing to do.”

        There is no doubt that this was the right thing to do. Recall those parting comments – very telling of his entire approach to how he treats women. Worse, if he just did this to you.

  6. You say you want a relationship but perhaps you should change your profile to just say you want sex, because you are freaking out when someone wants more than that from you.

    This guy may be an asshole but he touches on something I’ve been wondering about, which is that lately I’ve been reading your blog and finding myself still rather confused about what it is you’re looking for exactly? On one hand you say you want a relationship, but on the other hand you seem okay with the idea of a casual sex partner. I can’t figure out whether you want one or the other or both.

    • I wrote a whole post on what I wanted; I’d love your feedback there if you think there are things that don’t make sense.

      Some of it is contextual. I would like a relationship that builds at a nice, reasonable pace.

      I am fully capable of casual sex but only when I don’t see any potential with that person – otherwise I get too emotionally involved.

      And in the absence of having anyone around who seems like relationship material, I could very well have casual sex. But it’s not my preference.

  7. Hmmmm I have mixed feelings on this. I don’t think he was a dickhead. I think he was blunt and honest. He wasn’t the right person for you obviously, but I think it’s unfair to judge his reactions because they weren’t what you wanted. He was just being his chauvinistic self. Glad he’s gone…you need someone with a sensitive heart 🙂

  8. Regardless of the way he reacted and acted, bottom line is you were not right for each other and if he had that different reaction that would make you rethink (such as ‘let’s try and work on this’) would only be worse. So, unlike the popular opinion, I think the way he reacted to your decision was his best shot in everything he has done, because it’s not really worth to work on something that it’s not going to work, specially, as you barely know each other. I know the way he phrased was completely rude, but the core of it still makes sense: You were someone he barely knew, why would he try and work any type of thing with you. Don’t know if this makes sense but well. The good thing is that he is out of your life and you can focus on what is right for you.

    • Yessica – I agree with you that what he said makes sense, how he said it was rude and he actually didn’t need to say it at all!! I hadn’t questioned whether he was upset or anything like that.

      I also agree that had he tried to say something to dissuade me, it would have been worse long term. But regardless, I prefer someone who knows what they want and doesn’t bow to my every whim.

      There is a middle ground somewhere!!

  9. Pompous dick, glad you got out. Went through a similar situation but when you have those feelings of, “I know he’s not right for me but he gives me great orgasms…” it’s best to just trust your gut and get the fuck out.

    “Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend so go get yourself a dog.” Well, I don’t know if he has any female dogs but maybe he needs to get himself a “bitch” and call it a day….

    • Sofia thanks for that laugh!

      Yes, it’s hard to give up the sexy part but definitely know it’s not worth it. I’ve done that before (with the guy I call Shenanigans) and ultimately it’s just annoying and a time waster.

      I would rather put my time into finding a better match than getting orgasms from someone who wasn’t!

      And after being on FetLife for a week, I’m sure he will have no problem finding a woman who loves what he dishes out. It just ain’t me.

  10. Hahaha oh man…that last line of his…. Good riddance!!

    I’m excited for you in that you got to try out spanking and a little dominance though! I do enjoy a good bit of erotic pain, and it’s good to see you exploring this area.

  11. “I’m not all sad because a girl I fucked once says she doesn’t want to see me again. There are plenty of you out there.”

    ^ Haha.. did he sound butt-hurt when he was saying that?

    I don’t think the problem is that he’s an asshole. Girls like assholes. The problem is that he isn’t a charming asshole.

    By the way, his need to dominant is probably him overcompensating for his penis size. :/

What do you think?