Since I wrote the post about what I was looking for I have been thinking about two more things – how I want to be treated, and the characteristics I’m looking for in a partner.
It’s taking me a while to get to these posts because I had such great material from FetLife.
I suspect this is going to be a series, as I think of more things that matter to me. Now, when something feels crappy, I am trying to pay more attention to it and figure out what the source of the issue is. Given the generally bad behaviour I observe on a regular basis, there’s no lack of inspiration!
Here are the things that first came to mind regarding how I want to be treated.
Make me a Priority
I want to feel like I am a priority. Despite being busy, I can carve out time for another person, and I want the same in return. It’s about making an effort, taking a little bit of time, and letting me know I matter.
I didn’t say #1 priority. And this is probably significant. A man is not going to be my primary priority. My son comes first. I’m working on making my friends come next.
Perhaps what creeps me out with men who are too overbearing is they go too quickly to #1 priority (or it feels that way). Conversely, I won’t make a man my #1 priority either. Sometimes I get a little (cough cough) obsessive, I do recognize that.
However, nobody will ever be more important than my child, even in a committed long term relationship. But there also won’t be all that many times that I would have to choose one or the other. I think.
Be in regular contact
I want to hear from someone. The reality is with smartphones, it’s pretty easy to be in regular contact.
I expect someone to be in touch with me every day, unless we talk about it in advance. Now, I do not mean constant texting all day – I have done it, but don’t need it. Nor can I do it most days, so it’s a precedent I no longer want to set with someone. Because for me, I don’t want them to feel like I’m backing away, and neither do I want to be on the receiving end. In addition, I would prefer to be able to focus on my son in the evenings.
Perfect for me would be a brief exchange in the morning via text, perhaps a comment or two throughout the day. In the evenings it totally depends. Some days all I have time for is something short via text.
But other times I would love to have a phone conversation after my son goes to sleep. Last night I asked Dan if I could call him instead of texting, and he called me in response. It felt nice. We chatted for 15 minutes, said goodnight, and I went to sleep.
As much as I get caught in texting, I prefer phone calls when I can. Especially before meeting someone in person. You get a much better sense of them. Now I will insist on a phone call before I meet someone in person. I haven’t always in the past.
Communicate with me
Last but not least….I need someone who communicates with me. Yes, this is different from contact – because contact doesn’t have to have a lot of depth. Contact is touching base.
Communication is more about the content and willingness to engage in real dialogue. I understand that not everyone is an open book, but as you probably know from reading my blog, I delight in conversation. Debate. Inquiry.
I will probably ask a date things he doesn’t want to answer. I would like to be with someone who can say “you know, I’m not really comfortable answering that question”. Usually I am totally fine with that. Exceptions would be if I’ve asked if he is married or in a relationship. That kinda shit he needs to tell me right away.
I would like to not be left guessing how things are going, how someone wants to be engaged, what they want. Now, I know I need this to an extreme, and I’m working on it. My insecurities get triggered when my basic needs aren’t met. For example, with Dan, I’m not sure why I wasn’t hearing from him all that often. It would be great if he could proactively say “hey, just so you know, I often get home from work and need some time to chill out – then I go into my garage to fix my car. If you want to talk with me in the evenings the best way is just call me.”
Perhaps a better example is the kind of thing that Andrew did when we first started talking. He was very good at communicating what he was looking for. I was really clear. I liked that I didn’t have to drag it out of him.
So, those are the first three: Make me a priority (but not necessarily #1), be in regular contact (but not non-stop), and communicate with me (even if it means telling me you don’t want to tell me something).
These don’t seem all that extreme to me. You?