There are a bunch of random thoughts in my head today. Yes, I'm gonna share them.

Time & Illness

I broke my post-every-day streak of many months yesterday. A part of me was rather perturbed, then I realized it didn’t matter. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, but I simply couldn’t get the words out yesterday.

I’m still not 100% better from my walking pneumonia. It’s crazy. Anyone who has had it reminds me it took them anywhere from 4-8 weeks to really get better. I’m sick of not feeling great.

The last 10 days I have had 4 evening work events and 4 all-day sessions. Although I enjoy my colleagues and the events, it’s exhausting. I took my friend Katharine to the event earlier this week and even on her best behaviour my boss still said to me afterwards “well, she’s not reserved, is she?” – it was perfect.

Last night I had the house party I rescheduled two weeks ago. Usually I have about 25 people, last night was fewer than 10. But I had been fighting fatigue and a ice-pick-through-the-eye headache, so I was totally fine with having a chill night.

I’ve been kind of out of it since I contracted this illness. I looked at my calendar two days ago and realized that Will comes home on Monday and as a result, I will only have my son between Christmas and New Year’s Eve. I actually have evenings and weekends free. I have no plans.


Men

I have done a really good job not engaging. I have not texted the Lawyer (and there has been no contact from him either). After ONLY a “good morning” text last week, which I responded “good morning”, I have heard nothing from hot actor. As one of you wryly commented, he very slickly cancelled on me using my time as an excuse – as if being free for 5 hours one evening wasn’t enough.

So I presume they are gone due to other horses in their stables. I am totally fine with this and will be interested to see if they come back. But I’m not keen on making any sort of effort to see them. The Lawyer has some merit but we can’t seem to connect, ever. Hot Actor is too much of a flake, since he’s the one that proactively asked me to go out, just to disappear.

The Comedian hasn’t been in touch either. I take this in stride because I’ve known him for so long and our contact waxes and wanes. We are friends first, so I don’t think of him in the same way as these others.

Haven’t heard from Andrew. Which is a good thing for me because despite my saying I could have non-emotional sex with him, I’m not sure that’s true. So creating some space is good for me.

Dan has been a surprise. After I saw him last week, I sent him a text that said “Thank you for helping me sleep so well πŸ™‚ Please don’t go silent this time…I don’t like feeling like I’m chasing you.”

And yes, I know that breaks all kinds of rules of being all mysterious etc. But I thought fuck it – if I can’t tell him that and have him respond positively, then forget him.

Since then, I’ve heard from him every day. Sometimes we’ve had phone chats, and other times it’s been a little texting here and there. We’ve been joking that I broke him. He was sore for days. I said he needed endurance training and I was happy to assist. It’s been lighthearted.

I had been doing well only responding when he texted me. But I broke down coming home from a party this week. I was drunk. I said “hola”. He said “what does that mean?” and then I told him it meant “hello” and that I was drunk and broke my promise to myself to not text him until he texted first. His response? “Don’t beat yourself up. That’s a silly promise”. At least it made me smile. We spoke that night on the phone.

He’s not all the things I want. But he’s a nice guy and if I can spend some time with him every once in a while, I’m okay with that.


Online Dating Site Misadventures

I am currently “active” on two sites. Lavalife (where I met Jason, NIM, and Ariel), and OK Cupid (where I met the Giant and miscellaneous others). I guess FetLife also counts although apparently it’s not meant to be a dating site. But all I have had is men reach out for that reason.

Lavalife and OK Cupid have been a source of entertainment, mostly. There was a guy whose profile said he was a 6’4″ black man, and the pic was of a white dude. There have been a constant stream of opening lines in my mailbox. I have responded to very few of them, for a variety of reasons. Some I quickly discern are looking only for sex, others are far away, way too young, way too short, or have terrible profiles.

I am not going to run down the few I am chatting with, because as I have learned over and over again, they often don’t pan out. I am proud of myself for not wasting my time, and for not chasing any of them. I am pacing my responses – not because I want to play games but because I find with the constant contact, I start to get my hopes up. Also, my sense of time is skewed in this world – I might think it’s been forever since I’ve heard back from someone. I look at the date and it’s been 1-2 days.

Bottom line is I’m being less impulsive and impatient.

I also have a new approach to early communication. If they don’t clearly spell out in their profile what they are looking for, I ask them. I swear to you, 90% say “fun” as one of the things. Here’s where I have my fun. If they mention “fun”, In my response I include “LOL. I find that “fun” is often used as a euphemism here”. And then I see what they come back with.

One guy said “sorry, my vocabulary is on the small side… but I make up for it in other areas :)”

Which at least made me laugh.

Another said “I am also looking for intellectual and physical chemistry, stimulation…but someone whos company I can enjoy. Sometimes msgs can be ambiguous and misconstrued. Don’t get me wrong I am not a prude or innocent by any means :). I am a red blooded male but a gentleman first and foremost.”

Okay, better.

I’ve been chatting with The Model more, as he’s on LavaLife. We still talk about perhaps getting together one of these days. I’m sure to be in his city soon, and I’d love to meet him. At the very least, because he’s someone I’ve talked to off and on for a year and I’m curious.


Last but not least…

If you are interested in why it is so hard to maintain desire in a long term relationship, take 20 minutes to watch this brilliant TED Talk.

0 thoughts on “There are a bunch of random thoughts in my head today. Yes, I'm gonna share them.

  1. I watched that video, and I know I’m going to watch it again. My husband completely lost desire for me, and I can see some of the reasons here in this video. I don’t want to make the same mistakes in my next relationship.
    p.s. I hope you feel better soon!

    • Yes you should, but I didn’t have a specific audience in mind. It resonated with me regarding my own marriage, and many others who have had these discussions on my blog. Yes, including you.

      • I don’t know if I was part of the intended audience, but I certainly am going to watch it again when the pressure cooker is not making so much noise in the background πŸ˜‰
        Something to make me think about past and future relationships…
        Thanks for sharing. I just may take the video and share it on my blog too… I’m sure it could benefit some people there too πŸ™‚

  2. I LOVE this talk. I’ve always said the same thing…responsibility and desire just do NOT go together. Of course there should be both in a marriage/long-term relationship, but they can never interact. …p.s. Love your random thoughts!

      • Like I said, EVERY marriage should have responsibility and desire…but they should never go hand in hand. I don’t feel like you are responsible to make your wife feel desire for you. That is her responsibility and vise versa.

        • I can’t MAKE Will feel desire for me, but I can do things for him to encourage him to desire for me. I can dress a certain way, talk to him like he should be spoken to, touch him in a manner that he enjoys. I can also demonstrate my need for his desire in other ways . I know why he is asking this.

          • The video explains it much better than I ever could. But to me it all boils down to that image of a 1960’s wife having sex with her husband out of responsibility and not desire. I think a lot of that thought process goes on today, and it kills a lot of marriages. Of course we have a responsibility to one another, but it can’t be what keeps us going or else that flame with burn out. Just like the speaker said in the video “sometimes we must be selfish” so that passionate fire can burn bright.

          • I desire my husband not out of responsibility. I have sex with him because he thrills me (and he is fucking sexy!) and I WANT him. I think that the characterization of the 60s couple is more of a Hollywood stereotype rather than reality. Talking with my grandmother (she is over 100 years old) she loved sex with her husband and told me all about it. She and he had sex until his Alzheimers destroyed him several years ago.

          • No. Because YOU shared it and already watched it, I am going to. I just am in the middle of doing some things around the house before we head out for the evening. Will said that I should watch it, too.

        • I see. You mean that one side of the marriage isn’t responsible for both aspects? Isn’t it my responsibility to present myself in such away that feeds those desire-triggers? If I fail to take care of myself, make myself UN-desirable, isn’t that a failure on my part to be desirable?

          • I think that’s a dangerous game to play Will. Like I said…it’s not YOUR responsibility to make yourself desirable to Savannah. That’s almost like setting yourself up for failure.

          • It is MY responsibility to NOT make myself UNDESIRABLE. I KNOW what she likes. I KNOW that she didn’t prefer for me to be the disgusting person (in both appearance and depressed self). It is my responsibility to be healthy (mentally and physically). I understand the concept that you are presenting.

      • There is a ton of literature on how those things psychologically conflict. It doesn’t mean you can’t have both, but it’s a result of other things in your relationship and how you work on it.

        • I am not suggesting that I or we have things sorted out to a point where we have marital perfection, but this concept is lost on me in that there is a more natural way that Savannah and I work together. Analysis of that interaction seems to be a wheel-spin activity at this point. In retrospect, I can see that examining certain events can be healthy (especially some of the more recent ones) to get an understanding of how I COULD have been different…closing doors of opportunity by making it more difficult for her to be open and vulnerable.

          Maybe I am wrong? Maybe that isn’t possible and I just leave that to chance that she is just going to follow and then act upon the moment and then run with it? Maybe I just need to focus on my more animal instincts and toss aside those controls that I have set in place?

          • You’ve totally lost me.

            I wasn’t referring to any specific event. And you two may be the exception to the rule. But generally speaking, there is a conflict between many of the things that lead to desire and eroticism, and what one feels in the comfort of a long term relationship.

          • I understand and I am applying this to the way that I am toward Savannah. Though you have seen a lot of us (on the blogs and in conversation), there is much about us that you don’t understand. I am not suggesting that we are the exception to this rule.

            In the last several years, we transformed our marriage from a stagnant, essentially defunct relationship to one that is vibrant and continuously changing. we don’t follow routines and nothing is forced. We talk openly about what we desire and we tend to agree more than not to explore new things.

            Perhaps I am being obstinate or not grasping this concept, but it isn’t because of refusal to accept what was presented.

    • It’s funny, because I took what you wrote to mean something completely different than the thread of comments that follows.
      I took it to mean that you cannot feel like you’re responsible for everything in a marriage and feel desirable or desire your spouse. As in, if you’re responsible for childcare (or the finances) completely and don’t feel that this job, this responsibility is shared, at least through communicating about it with your spouse, then your mind is not free to open up for sex and pleasure.
      This is something I completely relate to.
      But I like the question about how desirable you are to your spouse. I guess I can see your point, it’s not our responsibility to make our spouse desire us. No need to force ourselves to become the perfect Stepford wife (or husband). But I also agree with Will (though not in the same sense as him I think): if you willingly make yourself undesirable to your spouse, you are cutting yourself off from the relationship. Or that relationship was never meant to be. (Will, notice how I said ‘willingly’ πŸ™‚ ).

      • Dawn – yes I took didn’t take it the way everyone else did. The research I have done on this topic states (and this is a gross paraphrase) that when you have day-to-day responsibilities in your marriage it runs counter to the things that fuel desire and eroticism.

        The example I use with my friends is that if you are irritated your husband didn’t empty the dishwasher, how keen are you going to be to give him head? It’s WAY different when you have all that ongoing stuff you have to deal with in a household.

        That’s also why, in my opinion, affairs are so heady and tempting…there is none of the drudgery of a long term relationship. It’s also why you can’t compare how you feel with a lover to a spouse – and why it’s unfair to do so. Furthermore, it’s also why it’s so silly to think that the affair feelings can be maintained when you move it “into the light”, per se.

        • Yep, that’s more along the lines of where that talk took me.
          I also listened to the child analogy with interest but couldn’t quite take it all in, so I’ll have to listen again before I share this video…

          Though I also want to say that there is some value to moving ‘into the light’ in my opinion… staying in the shade has some drawbacks too!

          • I got lost a bit on the child reference too… I thought there were two stories and then there were three, so watching again is in the cards for me as well.

            And yes, with affairs I see so many people who delude themselves as to the grass being greener. It was something my Mom said very clearly to me – and I agreed with her completely – to NEVER fool myself into thinking the grass was greener.

            It didn’t take away how awesome it made me feel, but I knew it wasn’t ever going to be a new relationship. Which reminds me, I never finished the story, as I got sidetracked with Andrew.

  3. Dan certainly sounds promising. But beyond sheer entertainment value, I am left wondering what you’re seeking on those sites (keep in mind that I have never had an interest nor curiosity in seeing what is there).

    • Yeah…please know that LOTS of people meet for relationships on “those sites”. Its how people meet one another these days. So that is what I am seeking on those sites. Along with millions of others.

      • It seems that there are a lot more people (judging by the content of A LOT of posts by you and other bloggers) there looking for situations that are less-than relationship-based (unless one characterizes those activities as such – quite subjective, I suppose).

        • I don’t think that’s true. It’s just I don’t write about all the nice guys who are looking for relationships. I haven’t found many of them that are interesting enough to pursue.

          You shouldn’t draw conclusions based on what makes for good blog fodder. The exception might be Tinder, which most people see as a “hookup” site. But the rest are bona fide dating sites. I probably get 40% relationship seekers and 60% casual.

          One can waste a lot of time there, but honest to goodness, pretty much everyone seeking to hookup, date, or find a relationship is online. A LOT has changed in the last 20 years.

          • See? I was upfront with my question. I have no idea what one can find in those sites. I hope that I never will have such an opportunity

            Blog fodder…yep, you certainly have an unending stream of that.

          • Yes, but you and a certain someone you are close to keep telling me I am wasting my time on these sites if I am actually looking for a relationship.

            What I am trying to explain is the two are not contradictory. EVERYONE is online now. And last year I was on the more “traditional” sites which in theory are better because people pay for them (Match.com, eHarmony). I found them to be a terrible source of decent guys. It was a total snooze fest.

            Sure, if I spent all my time with men having hookups (which I am not, although I have in the past…like a YEAR ago) then sure, that’s fair. But that’s not the case. And frankly, I’m quite capable of having random sex one night and still wanting what I want.

          • Sigh.

            Is this thing on? I get it. πŸ˜‰

            Seems to me that there is a plethora of subjectivity in this: “which I am not, although I have in the past…like a YEAR ago.”

            Ann, I get it.

          • Last year this time I was only spending my time on hookups or casual dating. I wanted more but was willing to spend my time pursuing sex. I had a lot of it.

            Last year I would have had sex with four different men in one week. As one post outlines, I slept with ~30 men between August 2013 and Aprill 2014, when I met Johnny. Since then there have been only a few new guys.

            So sure, while it’s subjective, there are some facts behind what I am saying.

            Regardless, that point is irrelevant to whether online dating is contradictory to wanting to find a relationship.

          • Point taken. Do I contradict myself with the email that I wrote to you?

            Do I need to reiterate that I am entirely inexperienced inexperienced in any dating sites?

          • Ah…and there it is. Dating is one thing. Relationships are another.

            Ann, come on my dear. I do possess the ability to both read and comprehend. I am also half-decent with deductive reasoning. I kmow , any people who date and for some reason, they draw me into their challenges using my relationship as their justification and a reason to not accept my declination to get involved. So, I have gained experience by proxy. πŸ˜‰

          • Ok. I’ll let that part of the discussion conclude with concession and deferment to your judgment as to what is the best method and resource for your pursuit.

          • Where I live, Tinder is used as a dating site and a hookup site. OKC and POF are becoming a less desirable way to meet in m city.

            Will, I found it really hard to grasp that I had to use “those sites” to meet a man. It its just the way it is these days…common.

            The thing about finding a nice guy…..you still need the chemistry. It’s definitely difficult.

  4. At least it sounds like you have a whole lot of interesting distractions to keep you entertained while you are on the mend. It can take a while to feel better after being really sick, but you’ll get there. Keep you fluids up and don’t push yourself too hard if you are tired! (Sorry, I’ll take my nurse hat off now!)
    Dan sounds like he is fun and interesting even if he isn’t 100% the dream man too, look forward to hearing how this all goes.

    • I am working on the distractions. It’s a good thing to pursue stuff outside of men…so like I said I’m being cautious as to where I’m spending my time.

      I’m good with the nurse hat. My Mom used to be a nurse, so I’m used to it πŸ™‚

      Dan is interesting and I’m looking forward to seeing where it goes too!

  5. I love that talk Ann. Love it.

    It mirrors my thoughts on love, relationships and desire. How to translate that into a longer term relationship I have no idea, however I’ve always said that I want someone to want me, if they need me I walk.

    Codependency isn’t sexy, desire is.

    If I figure out the magic equation I’ll let you know, but I guess in order do that I need a relationship to start with! Hah!

    Let me get back to you πŸ˜‰

    <3 xox

    • Thanks Sharn! As you know i experienced the breakdown of eroticism in my 15 year relationship. I don’t want my next LTR to have the same issues (of course it will have a different dynamic), so I am trying to learn as much as I can now.

      And it also speaks to what you highlight – being needed. My ex used to tellme I was too independent for my own good. I rarely let people help me and god forbid they need me – ugh.

      And yes, I need someone to experiment on!!

      I will be thinking of you and your activities over the next couple of weeks. Cant help it πŸ˜‰

    • Yes!! It is soooo unattractive. The Dog Trainer didn’t care and he got sick. Dan was kind enough to insist we stay in (but he could have had ulterior motives) and I take my cough medicine πŸ™‚

      I just want to feel better and not make people nervous when they are around me!

      Thank you for the good wishes πŸ™‚

  6. I love this post. For all sorts of reasons. You getting better, slowly but surely is one of them. I have been unwell for far too long last spring, I know the feeling of being tired to be sick. I hope you recover soon, but it will probably be sooner if you don’t overexert yourself and dating and fucking can be quite energy demanding activities. Make sure you rest, please!
    As for the other things, I think I addressed them directly in the other comments. As I said, I’ll watch the video again and will probably use it on my blog, but I won’t reblog the whole pst as it isn’t relevant, if you’re Ok with that.
    Good luck with it all!

  7. I’m quite behind on reading and commenting on posts, but I did catch this one when it came through and had watched the video. A few times now… I just wanted to say thank you. She explains things in ways I’ve never been able to put words too. The first time I watched it I actually cried because it was like YES, FINALLY someone saw inside my head and understood it. LOL

    So thank you and I hope you are continuing to get better as each day passes. πŸ™‚

What do you think?