Time & Illness
I broke my post-every-day streak of many months yesterday. A part of me was rather perturbed, then I realized it didn’t matter. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, but I simply couldn’t get the words out yesterday.
I’m still not 100% better from my walking pneumonia. It’s crazy. Anyone who has had it reminds me it took them anywhere from 4-8 weeks to really get better. I’m sick of not feeling great.
The last 10 days I have had 4 evening work events and 4 all-day sessions. Although I enjoy my colleagues and the events, it’s exhausting. I took my friend Katharine to the event earlier this week and even on her best behaviour my boss still said to me afterwards “well, she’s not reserved, is she?” – it was perfect.
Last night I had the house party I rescheduled two weeks ago. Usually I have about 25 people, last night was fewer than 10. But I had been fighting fatigue and a ice-pick-through-the-eye headache, so I was totally fine with having a chill night.
I’ve been kind of out of it since I contracted this illness. I looked at my calendar two days ago and realized that Will comes home on Monday and as a result, I will only have my son between Christmas and New Year’s Eve. I actually have evenings and weekends free. I have no plans.
I have done a really good job not engaging. I have not texted the Lawyer (and there has been no contact from him either). After ONLY a “good morning” text last week, which I responded “good morning”, I have heard nothing from hot actor. As one of you wryly commented, he very slickly cancelled on me using my time as an excuse – as if being free for 5 hours one evening wasn’t enough.
So I presume they are gone due to other horses in their stables. I am totally fine with this and will be interested to see if they come back. But I’m not keen on making any sort of effort to see them. The Lawyer has some merit but we can’t seem to connect, ever. Hot Actor is too much of a flake, since he’s the one that proactively asked me to go out, just to disappear.
The Comedian hasn’t been in touch either. I take this in stride because I’ve known him for so long and our contact waxes and wanes. We are friends first, so I don’t think of him in the same way as these others.
Haven’t heard from Andrew. Which is a good thing for me because despite my saying I could have non-emotional sex with him, I’m not sure that’s true. So creating some space is good for me.
Dan has been a surprise. After I saw him last week, I sent him a text that said “Thank you for helping me sleep so well 🙂 Please don’t go silent this time…I don’t like feeling like I’m chasing you.”
And yes, I know that breaks all kinds of rules of being all mysterious etc. But I thought fuck it – if I can’t tell him that and have him respond positively, then forget him.
Since then, I’ve heard from him every day. Sometimes we’ve had phone chats, and other times it’s been a little texting here and there. We’ve been joking that I broke him. He was sore for days. I said he needed endurance training and I was happy to assist. It’s been lighthearted.
I had been doing well only responding when he texted me. But I broke down coming home from a party this week. I was drunk. I said “hola”. He said “what does that mean?” and then I told him it meant “hello” and that I was drunk and broke my promise to myself to not text him until he texted first. His response? “Don’t beat yourself up. That’s a silly promise”. At least it made me smile. We spoke that night on the phone.
He’s not all the things I want. But he’s a nice guy and if I can spend some time with him every once in a while, I’m okay with that.
Online Dating Site Misadventures
I am currently “active” on two sites. Lavalife (where I met Jason, NIM, and Ariel), and OK Cupid (where I met the Giant and miscellaneous others). I guess FetLife also counts although apparently it’s not meant to be a dating site. But all I have had is men reach out for that reason.
Lavalife and OK Cupid have been a source of entertainment, mostly. There was a guy whose profile said he was a 6’4″ black man, and the pic was of a white dude. There have been a constant stream of opening lines in my mailbox. I have responded to very few of them, for a variety of reasons. Some I quickly discern are looking only for sex, others are far away, way too young, way too short, or have terrible profiles.
I am not going to run down the few I am chatting with, because as I have learned over and over again, they often don’t pan out. I am proud of myself for not wasting my time, and for not chasing any of them. I am pacing my responses – not because I want to play games but because I find with the constant contact, I start to get my hopes up. Also, my sense of time is skewed in this world – I might think it’s been forever since I’ve heard back from someone. I look at the date and it’s been 1-2 days.
Bottom line is I’m being less impulsive and impatient.
I also have a new approach to early communication. If they don’t clearly spell out in their profile what they are looking for, I ask them. I swear to you, 90% say “fun” as one of the things. Here’s where I have my fun. If they mention “fun”, In my response I include “LOL. I find that “fun” is often used as a euphemism here”. And then I see what they come back with.
One guy said “sorry, my vocabulary is on the small side… but I make up for it in other areas :)”
Which at least made me laugh.
Another said “I am also looking for intellectual and physical chemistry, stimulation…but someone whos company I can enjoy. Sometimes msgs can be ambiguous and misconstrued. Don’t get me wrong I am not a prude or innocent by any means :). I am a red blooded male but a gentleman first and foremost.”
I’ve been chatting with The Model more, as he’s on LavaLife. We still talk about perhaps getting together one of these days. I’m sure to be in his city soon, and I’d love to meet him. At the very least, because he’s someone I’ve talked to off and on for a year and I’m curious.
Last but not least…
If you are interested in why it is so hard to maintain desire in a long term relationship, take 20 minutes to watch this brilliant TED Talk.