Sweet bloody hell. I'm your dating counselor now? (Shenanigans)

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If you don’t know who I mean when I say P / Shenanigans, and you want to waste some time, then follow the lovers link and read the stories about this guy.

This story stands on its own, though.

All you probably need to know is that we had sex with each other off and on over the last year. I haven’t actually seen him in person since before March at least. We never saw each other again because inevitably he’d be an asshole and we would get into arguments that meant we stopped texting for a little while. But he would always pop back up at some point.

The last time, I told him I was going to block his number so he would leave me alone. He said he would delete my information if I wanted, but asked me not to block him. The last two text messages I sent him were:

“You come back, you imply you want to see me, you play games. You are really fucking unbelievable. Fine. I won’t block your number. I don’t really care if you delete me or not. But don’t get in touch again if you don’t mean what you say. I’m not some 30 year-old waif you can fuck with.”

and

“Actually, you don’t understand. You never have. Text me when you have learned something. Goodbye.”

Seven days after that, he texted me and we had the following exchange.

  • Him: Was that you that referred to something I said as “patronizing”?

(No, you didn’t miss something. That was his opening text.)

  • Me: Possibly. Why?
  • Him: Was it? Do you remember saying that word to me?
  • Me: P, I have no idea.
  • Him: Okay lol. Just trying to remember who said that to me recently. Thanks anyways.

I didn’t respond. That was three weeks ago.

This week I wasย lamenting in my comments that none of the guys I’d been in contact with were contacting me back. Hollie mentioned all her ex’s were getting back in touch and perhaps it was a full moon.

This evening, my phone pinged. Guess who? I laughed so hard I had a coughing fit.

  • Him: Hi, could I call you? You at home?
  • Me: I’m at home but putting my son to bed. I will be free after 9:15.
  • Him: Okay I have something to tell you briefly, something very strange just happened to me.

I wondered if he’d ended up on a date with a friend of mine, or if he found my blog (although in that case I don’t think he would be that nice), or something like that.

Nope.

I call him after my son is asleep, and he tells me the following story.

“I was out tonight downtown on a date. I met her on Plenty of Fish.”

I stop him right there and ask why he’s calling me about a date. He says oh I know you are uncomfortable hearing about me with other women (this after he asked me once to check POF to see if I get a message from him, because he’s not sure his messaging is working – I told him he was an asshole and I had no interest in facilitating his dating) but I just needed to share this with you to see that you think. Okay, fine, I said.

“We were at [such-and-such] restaurant, do you know it? Anyway, I get off the tube and she says she’s inside. I find her and say hi, we go to the hostess who seats us. I sit down and take off my jacket. She sits down and doesn’t take her jacket off. About 2 seconds later she says she has to go to the bathroom. She leaves. I wait. Turns out she left. Is that weird? I mean, we didn’t even say anything to each other than hello! What do you think?”

Oh sweet Jesus. I’m starting to think this dude is truly insane.

He wanted me to tell him what I thought of all that. I told him that I thought it was mean, and showed she had no respect for him even as a human being.

He kept going…wanted to dissect it even more. I was having none of it.

I asked him a few times why he wanted to talk to me about it. He said he thought we were friends, to which I chortled. As he started to say goodbye he said something about seeing each other again. I said “why on earth would you want to see me again? You made it very clear to me the last time we texted that you had no interest in hanging out.”

We rehashed some old shit (this was the first time we had ever spoken on the phone) and what was fascinating to me is how quickly he became uncomfortable as I calmly explained to him what had happened in the past and the things he had said. I stopped and said “Wow, P, you don’t like conflict, do you?”

“No, no I don’t”.

“Well”, I said, “that explains a lot. I’m not angry with you, nor am I criticising you. I am factually reiterating the things you said and I did and how I responded, in an attempt to figure out why in God’s name you would want to see me again.”

He had no answer for that. But it helped me understand why he would just go silent and react so badly when he was challenged by me. He couldn’t handle it when someone gave him back what he dished out.

Yes, I had reached out to him in a moment of weakness, about two months ago. He had been pursuing me, I just really wanted to get laid, and I had no worries about getting emotionally attached. I had asked if he was free and he said yes, then last-minute backed out (hence my angry texts at the top of this post). So at the end of our discussion, when he asked if I would be willing to talk to him again, I told him the ball was firmly in his court and if he decided he wanted to see me again he could ask.

But it was no guarantee I would say yes.

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0 thoughts on “Sweet bloody hell. I'm your dating counselor now? (Shenanigans)

  1. in my experience, men don’t want to hear anything except how lovely they are. Sometumes they’ve got to be told the truth though, otherwise they wonder why their date is leaving them at the restaurant LOL

    • Quite true – but I am a bit perplexed at this woman. He looks like his pictures…actually even better. He is 6’4″ and is strikingly gorgeous. He is a decent conversationalist. But according to him they were together about a minute and she bailed. Really strange.

  2. This guy sounds utterly lame. Maybe she just sensed it the minute she met him….and I bet you anything they were together for longer than a minute. Oh pretty please tell him to take a long walk off a short pier…although I guess that wouldn’t phase him given his track record!

    • Well I gave him a hard enough time, that’s for sure.

      I really do wonder why the hell he still reaches out to me. It’s ironic, I guess, that the ones who do aren’t the ones we want.

      He’s not lame, actually. He’s smart and good in conversation and can be polite. He’s gorgeous. So I’m not really sure why anyone would walk out on him. But who knows….

      • I know you wouldn’t put up with this BS for nothing. I myself have put up with quite a lot due to whatever redeeming values the person had…so really not judging at all (I hope that’s now I ever come off!!). But just those few things he’s said…he just sounds flakey to me. Perhaps I haven’t the right perspective, though. Maybe I’m just too green to realize all the nuances of dating. ๐Ÿ˜›

        • Oh no, didn’t sound judgemental but even if it was, that’s okay!

          He is flakey…I can so clearly predict his patterns now. The stories about him are pretty funny. Even last night he asked me what I liked about the sex we had together. He’s asked me this SO many times… I think he has self-esteem issues and he doesn’t like debate or conflict. Not a great combo.

          • Ok glad you didn’t get that impression. Yeah self-esteem issues indeed, but I guess we all do (I know I’ve saught attention from men for validation many many times). It’s sorta tender that he trusts you like that, that he’s vulnerable enough to break down and ask. But I guess that’s still not what you are seeking – as you say, to serve as his counselor.

    • Honest to god it was sheer curiosity…I mean, we had NEVER spoken on the phone before. I was wondering what the heck could have been so important?

      I thought it was hilarious.

      His BS doesn’t impact me negatively emotionally at all anymore. I’m just amused by it all now.

      • Obviously, dating isn’t a skill that I proclaim to possess even the slightest bit of expertise. I *think* that I am halfway decent at managing myself in relationships (probably much more adeptly in the business setting than with close friendships). Considering that and reading into the behavior exhibited by this specimen, I just can’t fathom why you would suffer such a fool and give him any consideration. Perhaps I am more rigid that, once the true person is revealed and it is someone whom I *know* couldn’t possibly have further relationship with. I tend to cut my losses and move on. When the phone rings, I MIGHT take the call (depending upon how much BS I can tolerate…which is usually zero).

        You must have a massively forgiving heart, high tolerance for BS, insanely morbid curiosity or…all the above.

    • Agreed Scott!

      This is what I was talking about in my other comment. If you want to be treated better, you can’t keep letting these people back into your life. If you say you are closing the door than close the door.

      Unfortunately, what happened here is you sent the message to him that you don’t stand by your word. That you give in and that your will is weak. Hell you even called him… even after letting him know when you would be free. So now it looks like you are the one that reached out to him.

      To me, it sounds like he played you. I doubt there was ever a date at all with some woman who walked out on him… It was probably a ruse to see if you would respond to him or not.

  3. I’d have you as my dating counselor any day! But seriously, this guy’s a dork (hotness not withstanding). Either it was a ruse just to call you, or the guy has no friends in his life to talk to when things like this happen — either way, not a good sign.

  4. I’m going to make one general comment here (then not again when I see the exact same scenario repeat) because patterns: you seem to see them but you seem to not SEE THEM. It’s so frustrating (I see Will and Tis said similar, but I’m piling on here)!!

    (how I can get frustrated over someone on the internet who I don’t know and when it’s none of my business is baffling to me. I think it’s because to me you represent *so many woman* who accept so much less than they deserve, and I like you, and I want to cheer for you, so stop making it so damn hard!).

    You seem to keep saying and doing the same thing over and over.

    “He treats me poorly/isn’t what I want, but…”

    Then you go back to engaging with them over and over (and over and over) because REASONS (he’s hot, he doesn’t hurt me anymore, I don’t really care about him, I was curious, I was bored, he said something nice to me, he called… etc).

    Then you seem surprised when they continue to treat you poorly.

    YOU set the standard for the kind of treatment you will accept and if you can’t set those standards firmly for yourself, you are telling people that treating you poorly is a-okay by you.

    “You’re an arsehole, I’m blocking you!”
    “Please don’t” [because I’m not finished being an arsehole to you and if I ask you nicely, you will let me continue being an arsehole to you, and I can ring you up and you will come running and that’s super cool with me BECAUSE I’M AN ARSEHOLE…]
    “Okay then, I won’t block you, but don’t you call me!”
    *arsehole calls*
    “…Oh you want to see me again, well the ball is in your court and if you want to ask me out again, go ahead and ask…”
    *all the arseholes in the world give a resounding cheer because “fuck that ‘treating women well’ bullshit”*

    I’m waving my tiny fists of rage *fist waving*.

    Okay, done. Exhausted from all that fist waving action.

    Ferns

    • I hear you Ferns…(and see thise fists waving!). Perhaps it will relieve you to know that subsequent to writing that post I sent him a note saying – on second thought, dont bother contacting me, it is a waste of my time. I was at about 1% willingness to see him again, but now I am past even mild contemplation when I am lonely and horny. So although he may reach out again, because he always had, I am not going to entertain him again.

      I *am* learning…and putting those learnings into action. I have realised it is foolish to think that just because I am over 40 that I figured all the issues out I had when younger…because I certainly didn’t learn them in my marriage!

      (Oh and i am not surprised when their behaviour doesnt change…just disappointed)
      Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

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