FetLife Flounder No. 2 | Oops, I'm Married

So, FetLife.

Soon after I heard from the Cynic-Hater, I got a message from guy whose avatar is him having anal sex with another man.

We messaged back and forth a little bit. At one point he asked if he was too slutty for me. I told him no, that my own sluttiness was hampered only by opportunity. Which I actually think is true – although I do have some standards.

He said things like: “I would prefer to have one partner as well, with whom I have a strong connection. The problem though, in my experience, is that after six months or so of serious dating, when a woman starts to fall hard for me, she typically wants to put the swinging on hold. I sort of get it. Watching a guy you merely like fuck another person is kind of fun. Watching someone you LOVE do it… well, that is hard for some.”

So, seemed reasonable. His marriage had also been sexless for 3 years, so we had some common background.

One night I went to sleep mid-conversation and I woke up to a message he had sent that night that said: “In the battle for your attention, it seems I am losing.” I told him he sounded like me and should just chill out.

All in all, he didn’t seem like a douchebag and other than being a total slut, seemed like a humble and interesting guy.

He also said “I’m a single parent too. My daughter just turned five. I have her every other weekend and once in awhile during the week. So I still manage to have lots of time and space to get laid. It tends to be other people’s schedules that are the problem mostly.”

We kept chatting, we moved to BBM and he sent me a pic of his face. Normal looking dude, nice warm smile. It was an interesting proposition. We agreed to meet for a quick coffee in my neighborhood on Sunday. Yes, I was sick, but this was a 2 minute walk from my house and I was going stir crazy. My son was with my step-dad at a party.

Then just before we are supposed to meet, he tells me he’s actually married. The usual story – terrible relationship, unhappy. He left his first wife for this woman, who was all willing to be open and swing etc., then she changed! and now they are miserable. He’s had long term mistresses and can make all kinds of time.


I figured I would meet him anyway. Not sure why, to be honest. I’m pretty clear I don’t want to be involved with someone who is married. But I was in this head space thinking that quite frankly I had no time anyway… maybe a nice FWB with no potential might be a plan.

I’m going to chalk that up to the codeine I was taking for my cough.

We met for a drink. He had beer and I had herbal tea. There was no crazy physical connection. He was a neutral enough guy. He complained he couldn’t leave this marriage because what does it mean if his first marriage was a failure and now this one, blah blah blah, and it was better to just stay in the bed he made. He complained his current partner had changed; she said she was into swinging and now she’s not. He implied that he wouldn’t leave his current partner until he had someone to leave for.

I looked at him and said the following things (not all at once):

  • You know you need to leave your marriage, right, if you are that miserable and can’t repair it?
  • What are you going to do, be unhappy for another 40 years?
  • You are aware that the failure rate for second marriages is higher than first ones?
  • Did you think that the affair you were having was going to remain like that when it became a long-term relationship?
  • Affairs are a fantasy, not a reality. You can’t believe that the relationship is going to stay the same when now you are arguing about who will do the dishes.
  • You won’t actually be in a place to have a successful relationship until you actually know that you will be okay alone, and figure out what you want and need.

Nobody had ever said those kinds of things to him before. He was stunned, looked at me with amazement and thanked me for being honest with him.

He told me he wanted to take me to the gang bang night. I told him I’d think about it but wasn’t sure I was going to go. He spent some time telling me the things he’d have to coordinate so that he could be away for the night, and I realized that yes, I have no patience for someone who is married.

He gave me a quick kiss goodbye and I went back home to my nice warm bed.

I did some thinking. I dumped the Dog Trainer, and went to bed.

The next day I told him I was on the fence about going to the gang bang night with him. Which was true. He would have been a not-terrible choice of someone “safe” to accompany me. I could have had a FWB thing with him (putting aside the situation he was in and how he didn’t take control of his life).

But I know I want more, and would continue to seek more. So why even bother?

So I told him that. Basically, no.

I didn’t go there at all. Not even once. Yay me.

0 thoughts on “FetLife Flounder No. 2 | Oops, I'm Married

    • Thanks honey 🙂

      Small victories must be celebrated. I have to remember that this feels good. Remember that I have lots of other things to keep me occupied, outside of male attention.

      And the repeat that over and over.

      Just today a married guy reached out to me via chat on FetLife. I had already said “thanks but no thanks” on messenger. He said he had a “good vibe” about me and wanted to be friends first. I told him no. Sorry. I do not have the time to engage with anyone that isn’t a great fit – and since there was no chance ever of he and I being more than just FWB, I wasn’t interested.

      Each time I do that, it gets a little easier.

      • Absolutely celebrate!!! Grab onto any and all forms of momentum, let it empower you and guide you in this area of your life.

        It is quite obvious you are an intelligent and successful woman and with that I can tell you wouldn’t settle for less then the best in your professional life and you absolutely shouldn’t with your personal life. You are worth more, ALWAYS!


        • Thanks Tis!! I find it so interesting how the professional and personal don’t always align… how I don’t settle for any kind of shit at all at work, but at home? Well, you know…

          It does get easier with each decision, each guy who sends me moronic messages on the dating site who I just delete… it’s a good feeling.

          I’m still not feeling great about a lack of interest in me out there, but I’m working on it.

          • I DO KNOW!!!! I think a lot of it comes down to wanting to be taken care of. Being able to count on someone else to put as much effort into you and the relationship as you do. If you had an employee who was only half assing it and not producing you let them go, you don’t hang on to them because they meet 3 check boxes out of 10.

            And I’m not so convinced that you are settling in your personal life because you KNOW you want the same standards to be met as in the workplace but you just haven’t found someone that feels the same way and none of these guys are sticking in the end. Why? Because they aren’t meeting the check boxes.

          • Yes, I suppose that is true. Although I think I put up with more crap then I should. Take Dan, for example. We had a nice night on Friday (I will be writing about it) although he did show up late, and we didn’t go out. But now I haven’t heard anything. I know he’s doing his coaching thing all weekend but not even one text? Sheesh.

            On the one hand I know I should just tell him to bugger off. On the other, his touch and kindness when he was with me felt really nice.


          • I would totally agree that you put up with more than you should. If you want to be treated better then you have to demand it. If they can’t, cut the line.

            Asking to be contacted after the fact is such a small thing to do and if they can’t well… fuck em! AND not literally! 😉

            Let me ask you this, how does the the feeling you get with someone loving on you compare to the shit you feel like afterwards when they don’t follow up with you? What I mean is which feeling lasts longer, the high of that attention or the shit feeling?

            My guess is it is the shit feeling and that is why you keep seeking the attention from these guys, is because they are no different than a drug in that they take away that shit feeling even if its just for a few hours or a night. Until they are gone and not receptive and don’t follow up or check off the boxes…

          • Please do! I honestly think this is a HUGE problem for lots of people my self included which is why I am so familiar. :/

          • I hate not being good at everything I do… so this habit annoys me to no end. But the drug part you mentioned is so true… because it just otherwise doesn’t make sense to me. It’s not like I actually have low self-esteem or self-worth. But I do crave the attention and that high.

          • Same here. I’ve been thinking about this more and more lately, trying to find answers for myself in this area and where the “craving” for lack of a better word comes from and where it developed. Is this something that will go away or is it here to stay? Is it influencing my feelings and opinions about certain ideas and things I think I want for myself? Yeah, lots and lots of thoughts about this…

  1. Other than the wanting something long term, the lying about his availability would irk me because when my kid was younger, it was critical that they have a flexible schedule since I was the full-custodial parent.

    Unless I missed that they are separated? Doesn’t matter, still doesn’t meet your goals…

  2. Yay good for you! You made the right choice. I also said no to Adam for today, we were supposed to spend the evening together but I think ultimately it would be disastrous for my fragile heart so I changed the plans and am having margaritas with a girlfriend instead. Proud of the both of us for making right choices!

    • Yes this is good! Our own little support group 🙂

      Although i am craving pseudo-intimacy and all that stuff, I feel way better about myself when I make the right choice!

      Good for you – have a margarita for me 🙂

          • Yes. Today is Friday and we know that you typically go out on this day. That only means that the “yet” is completely malleable, if not absolutely soluble. The day is shortening and the night is but hours away. You still have time to cave in and obliterate this good trend.

          • What I meant was saying “no” when I should. Although Dan said we would see each other tonight, he has not responded to my ask to do more than just have him over to my place. On the one had I want to proactively tell him to forget it, on the other I’d like to be with a man tonight.

            So yeah. Perhaps I have already obliterated the trend. I’m resisting the urge to text others and spend a lot of time on OKCupid.

          • You have hands flying all over the place!

            I knew exactly what you meant. So, you need to have a man come over and help around the house? Is that it? 😉

          • Will, did you need me to help you with the logistics? May I remind you that you have already let Ann down previously?

          • You shouldn’t. Will sometimes over promises. For some reason, he is doing that to you with some frequency (you have a ways to go before you catch up with his unfulfilled promises). That is why I offered to take care of getting him there. At least someone would be getting some projects around the house completed! 😉

          • Ok, Savannah….your list is outpacing the amount of available time to get it done. A little slack? We could sacrifice some of the “fun” activities in favor of projects?

  3. “I got a message from guy whose avatar is him having anal sex with another man.”
    And I thought my life intersected with some exceptional individuals…

    For the record, I think you made the right choice, Ann – for many reasons.

  4. I’m not sure which was more interesting, the post or the comments. Both are great for the record. And I’m happy YOU are holding out for more than just instant satisfaction or gratification with guys who don’t deserve to be in your universe.

    • Thank you 🙂

      I’m holding out for now. It’s difficult… I feel the pull of needing something. But each time I say no to someone who doesn’t deserve to be in my universe, as you say, it makes the next “no” easier.

      Thank you 🙂

  5. See, this is what I’m talking about. I’d read your list of things you’re looking for. You say you want a relationship. Yet here you are entertaining FWBs, gang bangs, and FetLife. I understand needing to get your rocks off, but if you are trying to do that and look for a relationship at the same time, then it seems to me that you’re working at cross-purposes. Hence my confusion.

    • Well, FetLife is predominantly for research and understanding. But Kinksters have relationships too. Yes there are some men reaching out to me, hence these posts, but I am also having conversations with people to learn more about the Dominant / submissive dynamic, as an example.

      When it comes to gang bangs, I have that desire / fantasy whether I’m in a relationship or not. Hence my ideal (I think!) to have someone who might be interested in occasionally playing with some other people. And just because I want to do that doesn’t mean I’m not also pursuing a relationship. I could have gone to that club last week and had a gang bang. No problem, easy peasy. But I didn’t because I want to have someone to go with. Maybe that will just be an FWB I trust, but it all depends.

      And finally, absolutely I may decide to have an FWB while I am also looking for a relationships. I am capable of looking for both at the same time. My preference for sure is a relationship.

      What I am doing, however, is really limiting who I’m bothering to talk to. I have had a number of opportunities for just sex, but they aren’t worth my time if I don’t think there is any potential at all. So that’s where the difference is. I may have wasted a lot more of my time before. I’m trying to be more careful with it. I’m not pursuing the guys already in my life who aren’t that into me. So if I find someone who I’m really into, and who digs me, but I know it may not end up in a relationship? I may just decide that’s enough for now.

What do you think?