Soon after I heard from the Cynic-Hater, I got a message from guy whose avatar is him having anal sex with another man.
We messaged back and forth a little bit. At one point he asked if he was too slutty for me. I told him no, that my own sluttiness was hampered only by opportunity. Which I actually think is true – although I do have some standards.
He said things like: “I would prefer to have one partner as well, with whom I have a strong connection. The problem though, in my experience, is that after six months or so of serious dating, when a woman starts to fall hard for me, she typically wants to put the swinging on hold. I sort of get it. Watching a guy you merely like fuck another person is kind of fun. Watching someone you LOVE do it… well, that is hard for some.”
So, seemed reasonable. His marriage had also been sexless for 3 years, so we had some common background.
One night I went to sleep mid-conversation and I woke up to a message he had sent that night that said: “In the battle for your attention, it seems I am losing.” I told him he sounded like me and should just chill out.
All in all, he didn’t seem like a douchebag and other than being a total slut, seemed like a humble and interesting guy.
He also said “I’m a single parent too. My daughter just turned five. I have her every other weekend and once in awhile during the week. So I still manage to have lots of time and space to get laid. It tends to be other people’s schedules that are the problem mostly.”
We kept chatting, we moved to BBM and he sent me a pic of his face. Normal looking dude, nice warm smile. It was an interesting proposition. We agreed to meet for a quick coffee in my neighborhood on Sunday. Yes, I was sick, but this was a 2 minute walk from my house and I was going stir crazy. My son was with my step-dad at a party.
Then just before we are supposed to meet, he tells me he’s actually married. The usual story – terrible relationship, unhappy. He left his first wife for this woman, who was all willing to be open and swing etc., then she changed! and now they are miserable. He’s had long term mistresses and can make all kinds of time.
I figured I would meet him anyway. Not sure why, to be honest. I’m pretty clear I don’t want to be involved with someone who is married. But I was in this head space thinking that quite frankly I had no time anyway… maybe a nice FWB with no potential might be a plan.
I’m going to chalk that up to the codeine I was taking for my cough.
We met for a drink. He had beer and I had herbal tea. There was no crazy physical connection. He was a neutral enough guy. He complained he couldn’t leave this marriage because what does it mean if his first marriage was a failure and now this one, blah blah blah, and it was better to just stay in the bed he made. He complained his current partner had changed; she said she was into swinging and now she’s not. He implied that he wouldn’t leave his current partner until he had someone to leave for.
I looked at him and said the following things (not all at once):
- You know you need to leave your marriage, right, if you are that miserable and can’t repair it?
- What are you going to do, be unhappy for another 40 years?
- You are aware that the failure rate for second marriages is higher than first ones?
- Did you think that the affair you were having was going to remain like that when it became a long-term relationship?
- Affairs are a fantasy, not a reality. You can’t believe that the relationship is going to stay the same when now you are arguing about who will do the dishes.
- You won’t actually be in a place to have a successful relationship until you actually know that you will be okay alone, and figure out what you want and need.
Nobody had ever said those kinds of things to him before. He was stunned, looked at me with amazement and thanked me for being honest with him.
He told me he wanted to take me to the gang bang night. I told him I’d think about it but wasn’t sure I was going to go. He spent some time telling me the things he’d have to coordinate so that he could be away for the night, and I realized that yes, I have no patience for someone who is married.
He gave me a quick kiss goodbye and I went back home to my nice warm bed.
I did some thinking. I dumped the Dog Trainer, and went to bed.
The next day I told him I was on the fence about going to the gang bang night with him. Which was true. He would have been a not-terrible choice of someone “safe” to accompany me. I could have had a FWB thing with him (putting aside the situation he was in and how he didn’t take control of his life).
But I know I want more, and would continue to seek more. So why even bother?
So I told him that. Basically, no.
I didn’t go there at all. Not even once. Yay me.