My first FetLife Flouder (yes, this will be a series) | The Cynic Hater

Flounder = to struggle to move or find ones footing

Flounder = type of fish

See what I’m doing here? 

In my post about the trouble I got up to one day in bed, I think I mentioned I also joined FetLife. For those of you unfamiliar, it was a site created by a Canadian (which should not be a surprise since Canadians also invented Ashley Madison, and Lavalife, one of the earliest online dating sites) as an online community for those in various fetish lifestyles. Perhaps it’s those long winters they suffer through.

I joined because a few people I know, Andrew included, are on the site. Andrew said it would be a good place for me to do some research and learn a bit more about the “community”. I knew he had also met some lovers there. And I was bored.

So I put up a picture (not of my face, it was my shoulder with a couple of Andrew’s bruises) and started searching around the site. When you put in your profile you pick a “role” (examples: Dominant, babygirl, Slave, pet, Sadist, Kinkster, Bottom, etc). I put “Hedonist”…seemed like the best pick.

Wow. I am so vanilla compared to most people there. Yes, you read that right. This is a place where the fact that I like to have sex all the time, sometimes with more than one man, enjoyed being spanked, etc… NOPE. BORING. There are women who pretend to be pets. Like in cages, with tails stuck in their you-know-what, and eating out of pet bowls.

And oh yeah, don’t get me started on the pictures. Sheesh. Now, I know, it’s all good between consenting adults and all that… but with some of these things, I can’t help but think that some psychological counselling might help.

My horizons are being expanded. Some of these things make me feel small and uninteresting.

What I wasn’t prepared for was being reached out to online so quickly. The first couple of guys just sent polite notes saying hi and welcome to FetLife. The next was a 28 year-old Dom who stopped messaging after I told him I ultimately wanted a relationship. No biggie. The younger ones have less appeal for me anyway.

Then there was a 38 year-old “kinkster” who started off by saying he liked my profile and thought we had a lot in common, then said I had a lovely smile and eyes (I had put up some pics that can only be seen by “friends”).

We spent some time chatting on the site. Then it moved to text messaging. One day this week we had a phone call. It was nowhere near the easy flow of the conversation with the Dog Trainer, but it wasn’t bad. He knew I was sick and said once I was better he would like to meet me.

Today we were texting off and on all day (not a ton, just here and there). I won’t bore you with the details but we covered a number of topics and were finding we were pretty similar. We talked about sex but it wasn’t sexy chat. Then I asked if he wanted to get together now that I was on the mend.

And then it got weird. My first chat had a weird typo so I said it was funny, and then here’s how it went:

  • Him: 😉 mhm
  • Me: Is that a yes to getting together, or that I was funny?
  • Him: Both silly
  • Me: Just checking! So what is your schedule like this weekend?
  • Him: Have to figure that out.

Okay. I will stop and say WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, RIGHT? Sometimes it means they are a bad planner, but usually I find it means “Well, I have a few women in rotation, and it’s only Monday, and another better offer might come up in the next few days, so I’m not going to commit to you until the last minute”.

So I said:

  • Me: Okay…
  • Him: What?
  • Me: I’m lol’ing. Some men say that because they are just not planners. Others because they are juggling lots of diff options. And I’m laughing because I’ve become such a cynic.
  • Him: :S
  • Me: Now my turn to say “what”?
  • There was some useless back and forth of me trying to explain that I’m cynical about some things but I’m generally an optimist.
  • Him: Er…
  • Me: Yes?
  • Him: Trying to absorb that.
  • Me: Well the cynic comment has some truth of course, or I wouldn’t have said it. But it’s not a defining characteristic or anything like that.
  • Him: Sounds like it.
  • Me: Did I say something that bothers you?
  • Him: The cynic plus diff options and patterns of behaviour. I don’t do well with cynics. Also it sounds like you already have a chip on your shoulder.
  • Me: Well as I said, cynic is not a predominant characteristic of mine at all. About a few things and situations, sure. And I definitely don’t have a chip on my shoulder.

No response.

At this point I’m so fed up. I felt like I’d stepped in something and was torn between wanting to correct it, and figuring if he was that sensitive he wasn’t going to be the right guy for me anyway.

I go back on the site to look at his profile, to find that he has removed me from his friend list. WTF?

So I said “Well I see you have removed me as a fetlife friend. Well that’s clear. Nice chatting with you”. He says “And you as well.”

It took all my energy not to send something snarky, because I knew then he would just validate his belief I was a cynic.

Such is life. I am therefore still dateless on Friday night (it was originally reserved for Andrew).

0 thoughts on “My first FetLife Flouder (yes, this will be a series) | The Cynic Hater

  1. What the heck? Urghhh, *rolling eyes in frustration for you*, this is when you really just want to tell people to go pound sand! *hmmppff*

  2. Oh i hate hate hate people who go off like that just based on text conversations before youve even met them! From what you’ve posted, you seem to have the same kinda message style as me: kind of laid back, slight sarcasm undertones (in a humorous way)… and oh my days, the amount of people who just flip because they take something you say as a flippant comment SO seriously! That part to me was by far the most stressful thing about internet dating. I do not miss it at all! I had one guy delete me from Facebook just because i made a funny (or so i thought) comment in response to something. Its a minefield, and some people are just such hard work, its not worth the hassle!

    Glad to hear you’re on the mend, btw 🙂

    • Thank you – yes I am finally starting to feel better. Brutal!!

      It sounds like we are pretty similar on that front – yes, I am somewhat flippant and occasionally sarcastic. And sometimes people take me way too seriously. I always say until I know how someone speaks in person, I’m careful with how I interpret their text messages.

      Online dating is very frustrating… I wish my friends knew single men!!

  3. As someone who is in the lifestyle, I have to say that this isn’t uncommon. So many flakes and sensitive types. If your friend Andrew knows people, the best way to meet others is to go to a party or “meet & greet”. Hang in there. This is a finicky group for the most part.

    • Good to know!

      And while Andrew does know people, since he’s a former lover I’m not so sure I want to ask him lol… because I’m sure he’ll be fine with that and then my ego will take a hit 😉

      I have heard that the parties / munches are the best way to meet people. I’m also learning I’m not all that kinky.

    • Yeah, starting to think that perhaps as well. There is one guy who is interesting but I know he’s only looking for casual stuff. But we will meet for a drink next week and take it from there.

      I’m working – at this exact moment – on not texting any of the men in my phone. Just trying to slow the pace a little bit.

      And yeah, a great dancer would be AWESOME.

  4. Fetlife is kind of a creepy place It seems like it should be more exciting, but I have found it to be not any different than any other hook up site. Boring, full of gross men with no game, etc.

    Someone like you definitely needs something of a higher caliber. Let’s invent something. 😉

    • Ooooohh I like that idea. And am flattered you think I am worthy of higher caliber 🙂

      I remember everyone telling me that was the place to go because you paid for it. I found it was the WORST for finding dudes with some game. So it holds no appeal to me.

      What do you have in mind?

  5. You had to expect this sort of thing. I mean, you just HAD to. More of the same to come, methinks.

    I had no idea what FetLife was so I Googled it. Imagine my surprise! I had to clear my history and cookies. Can’t be too careful. I’d still like to engage in a playful struggle one of these days but that stuff is far too serious for me. Where’s the fun? None of it seems to be fun.

    • Yes, definitely more to come…I’ve written four “Flounder” posts already!!

      Most of the stuff there is WAY too extreme for me. I thought I was kinky but turns out, nope. I’m pretty vanilla (scary, hey?)

  6. Fetlife can be, like everything else online a weird jungle. Many/most of the men on there have no game and many can be downright neanderthal…not that most men aren’t but they can be worse on there because I think they feel free to really let their freak flag fly.
    And yes, people in the community are finnicky. I guess the ones who are “serious” and “in the lifestyle” (especially women) have had to fend off so many wierdos and folks who weren’t serious that they tend to steer towards in person meetings and create their own social network, which is better in every walk of life anyway. BDSM play is insanely intimate, can be very personal and is of course based on trust so it can be hard, especially for a woman to really get into it via an online forum.
    I know from your pervious post that one of your partners suggested that you could be into the whole submission and bondage thing in the right circumstances. By all means you ought to explore and see if it is for you, but you might be best off to go to a BDSM club as a spectator, or go with a partner to see what it is all about and see if it makes you hot and wet, or leaves you cold. It can be insanely hot and erotic or it can be creepy and weird depending on your tastes.

    • Thank you so much for your comment. I’m aware that I am a total newbie to all this and not really sure of the norms (although you will hopefully laugh, or sigh, at some of the other “flounder” experiences I’ve had).

      I like your idea of going with a partner and seeing what it is about. If it leaves me cold then I suspect the spanking I received (and enjoyed) is probably as far as I’m going to get with all this.

      Perhaps if I do see Andrew again (the one who made that suggestion) he will be willing to join me. Not sure he would do it, but he’s the only person I trust right now to take me there, literally and figuratively.

      • Thank you for sharing your experiences 🙂 The norms aren’t all that tough to grasp really, but I can say that because I’ve been at this for quite a while so it’s kind of old hat for me. As I am sure you’ve figured out being a woman in the “scene” makes you very popular very quickly. And as you’ve also found out there are a whole range of really interesting people involved.
        Going to a club with a person you trust is totally the way to go. The best thing is to have a partner you trust and who respects you and your limits, but knows your buttons and how to push them to explore with. But if you don’t have that (they’re sadly rare) then going to a club and watching is best because you can get a taste, check things out and if you’re feeling really turned on even play a little.
        The clubs are QUITE an eye opener, especially if you’re new and not all that kinky yet. I remember my very first experience, where I only talked to people and one woman gave me a tiny sample of a TENS unit on my hand…the experience left me super aroused for DAYS. But then another experience with a club in NYC..I went there and it was weird and kinda gross because there were a handful of people playing but there were TONS of dudes standing around any scene, or any woman, jerking off.
        I’m not into pain. Not sure if you are, but it sounds like from reading your stories that you’re open to exploring, but not necessarily in love with it. Be careful on that one because a lot of “doms” like to do pain.
        Oh, and your “Dog Trainer”…he’s a dick. You may have some fun kinky sex with him, but the fact that he really isn’t into vaginal sex, and really isn’t into you on top…not a good sign. BDSM as ironic as it seems needs to have respect at its base. He doesn’t have that for you.

        • I’ve been to a swingers club once before (and posted about it) but it didn’t have any BDSM stuff going on at the time. I’m certainly curious. I’m not all that into pain but I did like the spanking.

          You are so right about who to go with. I wish Andrew was still willing because he would have been perfect. Alas, perhaps I will find someone else at some point. And yes, I’m learning that Dom’s aren’t necessarily my thing, if they are really into it.

          And regarding the Dog Trainer? Yeah, no way that someone who sees vaginal sex as secondary is gonna work for me 😉

          Thanks so much for your comments, by the way. I really appreciate the advice!

          • Happy to help…and glad it was helpful!

            Reading between the lines of your blog I can’t help but wonder if you aren’t interested in submitting to Andrew, but not to men in general? Or, you mentioned that he had said something about you being submissive once you’ve been satisfied…that sounds to me a bit more like you’ll submit to a man who makes the effort to connect with you and please you, but you’re not going to just lay down for any man who comes along. I think that’s a pretty common reaction that most women have, but I don’t think most guys online get that nuance…sadly most of us men aren’t that subtle.
            I’d be happy to escort you and show you the ropes if you want to come to NYC 🙂

          • Well I think there are two parts for me. Yes, even if I would submit, it wouldn’t be to just anyone. And yes, totally agree that the subtlety seems to be missed.

            But the other part is I’m truly not all that submissive. I do not want anyone to take over my life, make my decisions for me, tell me what to wear, what I’m allowed to do, etc. If you tell me to wear a ball gag I will probably tell you to f-off (that’s what I said to the Dog Trainer, for example).

            Bottom line is I don’t really want to submit my own pleasures to those of someone else. I will share, take turns, etc… but I don’t live to serve.

            Now… what I do like it someone to take control. It’s partly because I’m tall and not waif-life, and I enjoy feeling small and having a man be a bit aggressive, show me how much he wants me. I don’t like making bedroom decisions necessarily, but if my needs are being taken care of, I’m much more pliable. You tell me to get on my knees so you can take me from behind, sure, absolutely. You say “kneel, bitch”, you will get nowhere.

            But I liked being spanked.

            All that to say I want to do more exploring since I have trouble articulating all this. I do get to your fine city every once in a while, so I very much appreciate the offer and just might take you up on it 🙂

          • Well, you may not be able to articulate exactly what you’re trying to say, but I read you loud and clear. You’re not a submissive at all, you just want a man to be a man in the bedroom and take charge to take of you, and him. Maybe you’d like to explore some kinky stuff just to see what it’s all about but that’s it.
            If that’s accurate then you are totally wasting your time with Fetlife, unless you’d just like to meet some kinky guys to try stuff out with.
            Good luck finding a man who is worth your time….good men are hard to find. Lol
            It would be awesome to escort you to a club when you are in town. I don’t live in NYC but I live close enough to get there very easily. One of the “premiere” BDSM clubs in the country is there. Let me know when you want to go 🙂

          • I’m going to be back in NYC in the next little while and have plans to meet with a couple of bloggers while I’m there. Not sure, given my current “exclusive” status, that I’m up for a club…but email me (Contact Me page) and perhaps if you are around and interested, you can join us for drinks.

  7. You should look for “Munches” in your area to attend. I’ve made a friend via Fetlife and we’ll be going here pretty soon to a local Munch.

    Also-I’ve been informed Fetlife really isn’t for dating. If you want pure dating experience with these kinds of guys try 🙂 I’m there!

    I wish you were a tad closer to me-we could meet halfway and check out a Munch!

  8. Meh fetlife is like any other site.

    I’ve never really used it to find a date though. So I find it amusing reading all this.

    For me it’s about finding people to talk to about my fetishist and get some new suspension and tying ideas.

    Like I said to you before, take it with a grain of salt. Men, like many other sites too, are just as flakey.


    • I didn’t really join it as a dating site – but I suppose it’s natural for people to reach out here. But so far most have all flamed out. There are some other funny interactions I have written about.

      There is one interesting guy to whom I am talking but we haven’t met in person yet. And shockingly (!) Several men have offered to take me to swingers clubs…

      • Yeah I’m not surprised with those offers.

        Just watch yourself sweetie. If you are meeting someone off there for anything make sure you have a safe call in place.

        It’s a rough place to date for a newbie.


  9. I agree with everyone else, even though I haven’t ever heard of that site before you mentioned it. I think that, considering your last post about what you seem to want at this moment in your life, FetLife might not be your best choice dating wise. Also, you will probably find that these men will most likely have too much of an extreme lifestyle for your preferences. Maybe just research / conversation method for now.
    I hope you find a date or fun plan for Friday 🙂

    • I agree that the focus of my time on the site will be learning and conversations. If I happen to meet someone worth interesting, then great, but it will not be my focus.

      Similarly, on OkCupid (the only dating site where I have a visible profile right now) I am responding only to the people that have a very compelling profile. Everyone else, even if they have a witty opening, I’m simply ignoring. I don’t like to do it but I just don’t want to expend the energy when I know the person is not someone I want to pursue.

  10. Hope you have a great Friday Ann, date or no date. You are a beautiful awesome woman (even if I have only seen your one, gentle eye)!

    I’ve decided for myself that before I try the dating sites (which is still way too soon for my broken heart), I’m going to join some stuff which interests me. I recently went on a meditation retreat and wow….WOW meditating men can be smokin hot. But alas, we were segregated to avoid passionate thoughts, so I could only drool from afar. I’m also thinking about joining a drumming circle…who knows, maybe in my exploration of activities I meet up with some interesting people.

    At any rate, I’ve learned a lot about navigating online dating from you already, and for that, I really thank you. It’s a wild world out there on the www!

    Looking forward to glimpsing into the world of fetish through your upcoming posts. 🙂

    • Thanks Jami. I think it’s wise to stay away until you feel like you are up to the choppy waters. It’s hard, even when you are a strong and confident person, to handle the BS and rejection which is inevtiable.

      It sounds like such a good idea to do the things you are doing. Who knows, you may find you don’t even need to go online, because you are finding opportunities to meet men with similar interests.

      I’m glad I can give you a bit of a window and hope it doesn’t scare you off too much… I know my experiences aren’t uncommon, but they are still only mine.

      • It doesn’t scare me at all. It more fascinates me – I think it’s great that you are trying new things for yourself, and growing all the wiser about what you want and need (and what you don’t). I will admit that I like spanking and being bitten, but even then I am ultra vanilla!!

        Thanks for your advice and thoughts on my idea to try new activities. Who knows, and we shall see. 🙂

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