On Monday I had a dentist appointment. Nothing serious. I was trying to get a bunch of things done at the same time. Checking my postal mail on my way out the door, I noticed an envelope from an Insurance agency.
Will and I had decided to cancel the life insurance policy which we jointly held. Last week he asked me to send him an email agreeing to cancel, so if the company required it he would have it. I realized I never sent the email. Walking to the public transit station, phone in hand, I sent him a text asking him the name of policy, to which he responded.
I quickly fired off an email to him that said “this is to confirm our conversion that the policy is to be cancelled”, and signed my name.
I got on the tube and thought nothing of it. Until I got out of the Dentist and checked my email to see one from Will saying:
“Ann, can you please confirm the cancellation of the policy and any remaining cash value will be deposited into [my real name]’s account”.
It was to my Ann St. Vincent email account.
oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck
I sat down on a bench in the lobby and the panic washed over me in waves. I tried to get into my WordPress dashboard on my phone but of course couldn’t make it work. I got into my gmail chat and praying he would be there, contacted my friend Gardener.
He responded right away and told me how to make my blog private. When I couldn’t get to the menu, after giving Gardener my email and password he immediately did it for me.
Then I checked my stats and saw a very low number of views from our country. Phew. I had just posted a couple of hours earlier so this wasn’t unusual.
Gardener and I texted back and forth while I explained what happened. I realized that my ex was with my son running errands and was on his iPhone. Since he responded to the email as if I was the insurance company, it was unlikely he looked at the email address and instead just saw the name. My blog name has no meaning to him at all – it’s not something he would recognize.
When I thought I could actually use my legs again, I said my profuse thanks to Gardener and went home. I had to figure out how to a) cancel my policy and b) ensure Will would have no reason to go back to the email I had sent.
I called the insurance company. They couldn’t cancel over the phone and we needed to fill out a form and both sign it. I had them make a note on the account that we intended to cancel, and then the rep emailed me the form.
I texted another close blogger friend and bounced some ideas back and forth with him how to minimize the impact of my astoundingly bad mistake. I now had a plan.
I forwarded the email to Will (this time from the RIGHT account – sheesh) and changed the Agent’s name to Ann in her email (I know, I know…but did anyone have a better idea?). I said “here is the form we need to fill out to formally cancel the policy so the cash value will be deposited. I can print out and you can sign on Christmas or drop off earlier if you prefer. Let me know.”
Then I waited.
He responded later and sounded completely normal. I felt a bit better.
I tried hacking into the webmail version of his email account so I could delete the original Ann email, just so it was forever gone. Of course, he’s changed his password. He has a new iPhone so perhaps when he drops our son off tomorrow, I can “check out” his new phone and casually delete it from there. It would help me not worry.
Since Monday’s adventure, we’ve spoken on the phone and exchanged texts and nothing seems to be amiss. I think it’s safe to say he hasn’t noticed the real email address I sent the email from and that he hasn’t searched for my blog. He will probably not give it a second thought.
I still worry that he may notice if one day he decides to clear out his inbox. Hence my desire to delete the original email. The risk is fairly low, but still.
Why do I care if he knows about this blog? Well, even if I could get past him knowing all of my slutty sexual adventures, he doesn’t know that I exercised my rights to be “open” in that phase of our marriage. It would hurt him, even if it’s not why we split. I’ve written about him, highlighting some particularly unflattering moments in our marriage. He would be livid that those stories are public.
I will bring this blog back up in the next week or two. I miss sharing my stories with everyone, and I have some great ones this past week, including a date with P/Shenanigans, a great afternoon delight with Jason, and my best first date ever with a new guy off Plenty of Fish. But when I open it up again, I might make the posts about Will, and Faraway Lover, private for a while longer.
Thank you to those of you who reached out to me to ask if I was okay. It means a lot. And a special thank you from the bottom of my heart to Gardener, and Will Carrier, and Mark Baron, for helping me get through the day.