When getting no answer is an answer unto itself

So I am writing this with a sleeping Andrew laying right beside me. His back is pressed up against my side, and he is oh so warm. Warm enough to make me uncomfortable under my duvet. I move to get my feet out from under the covers, in an attempt to regulate my temperature.

We had a lovely evening together, even though we are both sick. He gave me this cold, you see, but it hit me harder. He also has an ear infection, so we make a great pair.

He came over at 6pm and had a bit of work to get done. It was fine by me – I would rather have him in my space and working than not here at all. I had some hors d’oeuvres and he snacked and worked and we talked here and there. He would come into the kitchen and kiss me and grab my ass and I told him he was killing me and he said it was no different for him. It was a small thing, but it reassured me that he wanted me too.

I wasn’t up to cooking an entire meal so I had purchased a rotisserie chicken but made some simple sides to go with it. Over dinner I asked him if he still thought I was holding back on telling him things about me. He said no, but that I wasn’t sharing my emotions. It struck me as rather funny, given the thousands of words I’ve written about my emotions and him. But in some ways, being able to write it helps me not blurt it out when I see him.

I told him it was true, I hadn’t been telling him a lot, because a) I didn’t want him to think I was a lunatic, and b) he had told me he didn’t want pressure and I was afraid by telling him some of what I thought, he would feel I was pressuring him.

We finished dinner, had dessert, and went upstairs. Unlike the past two times we were together, he was very much present with me this time. The sex was amazing. We fit together very well. He likes penetration as much as I do. I wish he would spend more time exploring other parts of my body, but it’s just not his style I suppose.

And in case you think this is just a romantic post, I will tell you this:

He also fucked me in the ass. Without lube. And it didn’t bother me; it actually felt pretty damn good at one point. He told me I was a champ for doing so (as he’s rather well-endowed). Given I don’t have a lot of anal experience, I was a little surprised myself. I’ve never cum that way, but perhaps one builds up to it.

We needed to stop and clean up (I was relieved there was no mess like the first time). He asked if I wanted to go downstairs and make hot toddies and I said no, I wanted more. Figured I needed to just tell him what I wanted this time. So we got back into my bed and I spent some time giving him a lower body massage with my hands. Then a lower body massage with my mouth.

I asked him to tell me what he liked (cock in mouth, one hand on shaft, other on balls, finger toward his ass), and I did it. I contemplated putting my finger up his ass, but have never done that before. I asked him about it afterwards, he said he would like that, and I told him I would next time. When he couldn’t take my ministrations anymore, he grabbed me by the ponytail (yum), pulled me on top of him, and he returned the favour by giving me some lovely orgasms.

Back to the non-sexual part of the show:

Afterwards, I started the talk. I told him I was fine to tell him what I was feeling, but I was afraid of doing so. I explained that I didn’t have an outcome in mind with him yet – it wasn’t like I knew exactly what I wanted from him (as in, a serious relationship). However, I like to have the intention defined (his words, which made perfect sense). In other words, I want to know where something is going. Or that it’s at least going somewhere.

I also told him I wasn’t sure if he was all that into me. But also intellectually I know for him, the conversation, the time spent, the dinners, meant more to him in some ways than the sex. I recognize that he calls me every day, even if I haven’t heard from him in the prior 24 hours. And that means something.

I said his caution felt like rejection to me. That my intellect knew things that my heart didn’t, but I worried about being made a fool of.

He listened to it all. He didn’t freak out or get weird. He told me I overthink things (who, me?) and that he wasn’t going to make a fool out of me. He was also very open in saying that his last few weeks have been a blur. That when I was away on my vacation, it was odd to him, and he felt like we had to reconnect when he was back. And most importantly, that he doesn’t know what he thinks about me and him yet. He takes it one day at a time.

Meaning, I think, there will be a point in time where he will say – yes, I like you a lot, can see a potential future with you, and I  want to be with you exclusively – or nope. He doesn’t begin that way, he figures it out before he jumps in. Which is SO not my M.O.

We made hot toddies and sat naked in my bed drinking and I tried not to cough constantly and we talked and touched and it was lovely.

I told him I thought I was doing remarkably well knowing that he had “other relationships”. But part of my issue is that I don’t have the free time I would like, so I get fussed thinking about him choosing to be with someone else, especially when I can’t be available. I also clarified that it wasn’t top of mind for me. Which it’s not.

I feel remarkably good about all of this. I will continue to perhaps see others (the Comedian, Dan, maybe the Lawyer, if we can ever find a time), but it is the right thing to just take it easy. Intellectually, I know it is foolish to immediately jump into thinking someone is the right person for you. The Giant went there right away and I didn’t like it (and I told Andrew that).

Despite being 41, this is new to me. I moved in with Will after our third date. This is probably the way it’s supposed to happen.

We also agreed (although he has to check his schedule) that he would take me to a local swingers club for “down to fuck” night. This is my only sexual fantasy – to be fucked by multiple men at the same time. As in, more than two.

When I told him I was a bit anxious about it, his first response was that as long as I didn’t have an aversion to latex I would be fine. I clarified that my anxiety was about not being appealing. He said – oh, don’t worry, men don’t care about that. I gave him a look and he laughed and said he realized that wasn’t quite the answer a woman would be looking for. Yeah, I said, saying “guys will fuck anything” doesn’t exactly help.

He clarified that on those nights, it really doesn’t matter. But if I said I wanted to go on a regular swingers night than yeah, it would matter, but I was very appealing and had nothing to worry about.

That was more like it.

So, our next overnight is two weeks from now, and potentially before that I will have a sexual fantasy come to life.

What could possibly go sideways?

0 thoughts on “When getting no answer is an answer unto itself

  1. What could go wrong?
    Don’t say things like that, Ann!
    But seriously, I’m happy for you. As one of my faves, you deserve to have someone treat you well, cherish every moment with you – and throw you around like a pinata.
    Keep up the good work, Ann!

  2. Sounds promising. I had to laugh about his “overthinking” comment. Really you? Me? Naw, we don’t ruminate on things for hours at a time. What could he possibly have been thinking? JK – sounds like he is comfortable with what he is discovering about you. Congrats! Now…just one day at a time….

  3. I guess each person sees this type of things in a different way. For example, for me, I know right from the beginning, if there’s ‘something’ there or not . I mean, the potential. Yes, it can be tricky. And yes, it can be deluding. But for me, either it’s there or it’s not. And that’s something I can say right in the beginning.

    • Yes, I agree. We have both said there is “something” there. He wouldn’t be engaging me the way he does, if there wasn’t.

      But it’s just potential, at this point. I do know you need to get to know someone better to know if that “something” can translate into a real, positive, healthy, relationship.

  4. Ann, this sounds like very good progress. Andrew still holds the spot as my favorite, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed for the two of you. I’m so coveting the way you and he were able to talk so openly about what you’re thinking about your relationship. Good for you! You have my best wishes and hopes 🙂

  5. OMG. I love him. Too soon? There I said it! Sorry not sorry-I love Andrew! He’s such an adult and I feel like he’s the type of person you need. Someone who can slow down your racing thoughts and doesn’t rush into anything. Perfection!

  6. What in the heck? Isn’t sideways the idea of the DTF night (as in “every which way including…”)? 😉

    To think that I am (and now, Savannah is) a bit on the over descriptive side. Perhaps I don’t share enough detail?

    Glad that things are back on track for you Ann. Now, you just need to shake that cold.

  7. Hey friend,
    Just popping in to say hello. It seems so selfish for me to read about your life and not have anything to contribute, but quite often I don’t simply because I don’t want to come across as all-knowing. Honestly, when I read you, I put myself in your shoes and each time I think…my goodness…I wouldn’t handle everything with nearly as much poise and grace as Ann does.

  8. Yay!! I’m so happy for this post…and I feel like I can just cut and paste your talk with Andrew into the notes on my phone so I can remember how to speak like an adult with Gentle Aussie! : Seriously, I am so happy and giggled most of the way through the post with happiness…you deserve such a great night and I bet you feel more settled now too.

    This over-thinking thing is getting the best of us Virgos.

    I think we kind of know right from the beginning when there is potential…and it’s REALLY hard to minimize this feeling when you’ve been through so many crappy dates. Andrew really seems like the mature FWB (or more, someday) we all wish we could find. I liked him right from the start, too 🙂 Even if he isn’t tall enough!

  9. I think a lot could go sideways….but I think if one is talking about being fucked then sideways, frontways, backwards, upside down, whichever way can be good 🙂

      • No. All juice might make for some runny business that you don’t want to deal with in a situation with strangers. I say, eat what you want, you’ll burn off all kinds of calories at the club. I’m quite sure you look fantastic. But, realistically, you would not be able to lose the weight that it would take to overcome your insecurities in one week….so you might as well not worry about it. Fake it til you make it….pretend like you’re 100% in love with your body and that confidence will be sexy…and when you see that reflected in some hopefully delicious men, then you might just start to believe it.

        • Yeah, good point on the juice diet. I’m traumatised enough from past experience :/

          I haven’t been drinking much at all this week given I’ve been sick, and I haven’t had an appetite either, so I’m probably doing a decent job of getting back on the healthy eating path anyway!!

          Going to that club with him, I’m sure I will feel sexy…because he loves my body

  10. It sounds like you MIGHT have found a happy place…or at least a guy to share your happy place with. I hope it works out for you and you get to enjoy the hell out of it!

    As far as the sex party/fantasy goes, I am sure you are beautiful and attractive, if you’re anything like your writing. Your man is right however that on a night like that your looks really don’t matter. A woman looking to be fucked by multiple men at a party creates a feeding frenzy and the guys won’t be picky. I recall my first time at something like that…the fact that a woman had breasts and a vagina and was willing to share them seemed to be all that mattered to the crowd. And from all of my experience the women who get involved in “alternative” sexual experiences like that never seem to be bikini worthy hard bodies. I don’t know if the skinny ones just don’t need to go out to find what they are looking for or if they are too uptight to do it.

    Either way living out such a fantasy can be amazing, or at least really interesting. Good luck!

  11. I agree wit Andrew that what you look like probably doesn’t have much influence on a night like that. Because you’ll be exhuding sexy, and that’s what will attract the men.
    Plus, I don’t know about you, but I realized that no matter how much I despise my body on any given day, if a man wants to put his hands on me and I like that idea enough to get undressed in front of him, I pretty much forget all about my insecurities within the first minute of being naked. I can’t quite explain why. I’m still trying to figure it out, thinking of writing a post about it.
    But the bottom line is: you’ll be with a man who’s there to make sure nothing unpleasant happens to you, that you’re treated like a queen, and worshiped as such. Of course all other men will love your body!
    And, very important, don’t forget… to share with us! Some of us are leaving vicariously through you 😉

    • Definitely, as soon as I’m in the moment, experiencing pleasure, I lose my insecurities. I’m remembering the first time I went to a swingers club (with Ariel) and nobody approached me whatsoever. So while I know this is a different situation, and I’m with a different, more outgoing, man, I still have that worry.

      I’m trying (unsuccessfully) not to think about it, because I worry that for some reason, it won’t happen. Like he’ll end up not wanting to, or have to work, or something like that.

      But no matter what, I can guarantee I will write about whatever does – or doesn’t – happen.

      • Yay for you writing about it.
        I am fairly certain that f nothing happens, it’s going to be because of work rather than because he doesn’t want to. The number of times he’s talked about it already, and most importantly the way he seems to have talked about it, point towards him really wanting to offer you that experience!

  12. I have zero clue as to how one goes about starting a relationship/dating someone as I’ve been married for more than half my life but if I were to guess… this all sounds about right. lol

    I like him and that he seems to really get you. 🙂

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