So I am writing this with a sleeping Andrew laying right beside me. His back is pressed up against my side, and he is oh so warm. Warm enough to make me uncomfortable under my duvet. I move to get my feet out from under the covers, in an attempt to regulate my temperature.
We had a lovely evening together, even though we are both sick. He gave me this cold, you see, but it hit me harder. He also has an ear infection, so we make a great pair.
He came over at 6pm and had a bit of work to get done. It was fine by me – I would rather have him in my space and working than not here at all. I had some hors d’oeuvres and he snacked and worked and we talked here and there. He would come into the kitchen and kiss me and grab my ass and I told him he was killing me and he said it was no different for him. It was a small thing, but it reassured me that he wanted me too.
I wasn’t up to cooking an entire meal so I had purchased a rotisserie chicken but made some simple sides to go with it. Over dinner I asked him if he still thought I was holding back on telling him things about me. He said no, but that I wasn’t sharing my emotions. It struck me as rather funny, given the thousands of words I’ve written about my emotions and him. But in some ways, being able to write it helps me not blurt it out when I see him.
I told him it was true, I hadn’t been telling him a lot, because a) I didn’t want him to think I was a lunatic, and b) he had told me he didn’t want pressure and I was afraid by telling him some of what I thought, he would feel I was pressuring him.
We finished dinner, had dessert, and went upstairs. Unlike the past two times we were together, he was very much present with me this time. The sex was amazing. We fit together very well. He likes penetration as much as I do. I wish he would spend more time exploring other parts of my body, but it’s just not his style I suppose.
And in case you think this is just a romantic post, I will tell you this:
He also fucked me in the ass. Without lube. And it didn’t bother me; it actually felt pretty damn good at one point. He told me I was a champ for doing so (as he’s rather well-endowed). Given I don’t have a lot of anal experience, I was a little surprised myself. I’ve never cum that way, but perhaps one builds up to it.
We needed to stop and clean up (I was relieved there was no mess like the first time). He asked if I wanted to go downstairs and make hot toddies and I said no, I wanted more. Figured I needed to just tell him what I wanted this time. So we got back into my bed and I spent some time giving him a lower body massage with my hands. Then a lower body massage with my mouth.
I asked him to tell me what he liked (cock in mouth, one hand on shaft, other on balls, finger toward his ass), and I did it. I contemplated putting my finger up his ass, but have never done that before. I asked him about it afterwards, he said he would like that, and I told him I would next time. When he couldn’t take my ministrations anymore, he grabbed me by the ponytail (yum), pulled me on top of him, and he returned the favour by giving me some lovely orgasms.
Back to the non-sexual part of the show:
Afterwards, I started the talk. I told him I was fine to tell him what I was feeling, but I was afraid of doing so. I explained that I didn’t have an outcome in mind with him yet – it wasn’t like I knew exactly what I wanted from him (as in, a serious relationship). However, I like to have the intention defined (his words, which made perfect sense). In other words, I want to know where something is going. Or that it’s at least going somewhere.
I also told him I wasn’t sure if he was all that into me. But also intellectually I know for him, the conversation, the time spent, the dinners, meant more to him in some ways than the sex. I recognize that he calls me every day, even if I haven’t heard from him in the prior 24 hours. And that means something.
I said his caution felt like rejection to me. That my intellect knew things that my heart didn’t, but I worried about being made a fool of.
He listened to it all. He didn’t freak out or get weird. He told me I overthink things (who, me?) and that he wasn’t going to make a fool out of me. He was also very open in saying that his last few weeks have been a blur. That when I was away on my vacation, it was odd to him, and he felt like we had to reconnect when he was back. And most importantly, that he doesn’t know what he thinks about me and him yet. He takes it one day at a time.
Meaning, I think, there will be a point in time where he will say – yes, I like you a lot, can see a potential future with you, and I want to be with you exclusively – or nope. He doesn’t begin that way, he figures it out before he jumps in. Which is SO not my M.O.
We made hot toddies and sat naked in my bed drinking and I tried not to cough constantly and we talked and touched and it was lovely.
I told him I thought I was doing remarkably well knowing that he had “other relationships”. But part of my issue is that I don’t have the free time I would like, so I get fussed thinking about him choosing to be with someone else, especially when I can’t be available. I also clarified that it wasn’t top of mind for me. Which it’s not.
I feel remarkably good about all of this. I will continue to perhaps see others (the Comedian, Dan, maybe the Lawyer, if we can ever find a time), but it is the right thing to just take it easy. Intellectually, I know it is foolish to immediately jump into thinking someone is the right person for you. The Giant went there right away and I didn’t like it (and I told Andrew that).
Despite being 41, this is new to me. I moved in with Will after our third date. This is probably the way it’s supposed to happen.
We also agreed (although he has to check his schedule) that he would take me to a local swingers club for “down to fuck” night. This is my only sexual fantasy – to be fucked by multiple men at the same time. As in, more than two.
When I told him I was a bit anxious about it, his first response was that as long as I didn’t have an aversion to latex I would be fine. I clarified that my anxiety was about not being appealing. He said – oh, don’t worry, men don’t care about that. I gave him a look and he laughed and said he realized that wasn’t quite the answer a woman would be looking for. Yeah, I said, saying “guys will fuck anything” doesn’t exactly help.
He clarified that on those nights, it really doesn’t matter. But if I said I wanted to go on a regular swingers night than yeah, it would matter, but I was very appealing and had nothing to worry about.
That was more like it.
So, our next overnight is two weeks from now, and potentially before that I will have a sexual fantasy come to life.
What could possibly go sideways?