I feel terribly unsettled when I should be excited (Part 2)

Please read Part One first.

I slept well, until I woke up. At six-fucking-thirty. Andrew was fast sleep in my bed, not stirring. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling. I checked my phone. I contemplated getting up and writing in bed, since my head was swirling with the thoughts I wrote about in Part One.

At 7:30, he stirred and asked how long I’d been up. I told him an hour. He went back to sleep. I finally managed to stop the brain train and fell asleep for fifteen minutes.

We both woke up shortly after. I waited to see if he would pull me into him, like he has all the times previous. I simultaneously hated that I was now playing a game. He did, of course; wrapping one arm around me with a firm hand on my breast.

Carefully avoiding the torture of morning breath, he rolled on top of me – this time, no issues getting hard – and we had some great sex, for about 15 minutes. I got on top of him in the attempt to have one of those awesome, full-body orgasms I know I’m capable of. In my bed, with him, alone in my house, I knew that I would be able to.

He stopped before it happened. He knew I was frustrated – even commenting that he supposed I was near the peak but unable to get over it. My natural question – which I stifled – was “then why won’t you help me get there?”. He said he was still preoccupied.

He wanted coffee.

While we had some good naked chatting in my bed, coffee in hand, there was no more sex to be had. I even asked him whether he was often preoccupied, adding I found it unusual he couldn’t get out of his head, given his sexual appetite. He said no, it wasn’t that unusual. He also hypothesized that perhaps the inability to focus could be due to the ADHD meds he takes, which last for about 12 hours each day (yes, Dawn D, I know I’m not being precise here).

I said “well, I guess then I shouldn’t take it personally?” and he looked at me like I was crazy and said “of course not; why would you?”… and I explained that I hoped to be captivating enough to make someone forget their troubles. I don’t remember what he said after that, but it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

He had to leave for an appointment with a client.

After wandering around my place aimlessly for a bit, thinking about him and how I was feeling (bad), I had the full realization of our conversation in the grocery store last night. It occurred to me he thought I might be fishing for information – which I wasn’t.

So after some deliberation, I sent him the following text:

“I want to apologise for something I said in the grocery store – about male desire / not having sex for 8 days, etc. I realised it was a stupid thing to say because you may have thought I was fishing for info – which I wasn’t. When you didn’t respond I had an “oh, right” moment. Anyway, so sorry about that”.

Of course, there was a part of me hoping he would say something like “don’t be silly I was just distracted…I’ve only been with you”. Foolish, I know.

What I got was probably the worst (other than “oh well yeah it’s because I’d just fucked her and was still on a high”):

“np”

I contemplated my response. I admit it was snarky, but I have my weak moments. I said: “Well good to know my gut doesn’t let me down.”
This was 12:34pm.

And there we have it. No response from him (even as of 8pm), which isn’tΒ that unusual.

Here’s the thing. If the sex was mind-blowing, if I could get him hard with a touch (which he showed me I could before, to be fair), if he seemed to want nothing but me when he saw me, if we had fucked for hours, if he had finished me off with his hands, or a toy, I would be okay. Because it would matter less about that other woman, then. She would be irrelevant sexually as well as for our budding relationship.

But with what happened last night and this morning, I can’t help but feel like I’m not special. I’m not enough to captivate him, to make him want me more than anything – or at least more than sleep and more than coffee. Perhaps it was because of her. Perhaps he was just having a bad day. Perhaps he was just distracted. But dammit, I want to feel adored. I want to feel wanted.

Scratch that – I NEED it.

I am the definition of needy. The very thing I can’t stand. It makes me crazy – literally. I can’t help but think I will push him away with this, but at the same time, if he’s not wild about me now…it’s only been a few weeks…what the hell would it be like in a year?

It has been several hours since I first drafted this post. It has subsequently occurred to me that perhaps the way he is showing I’m special is by giving me his time and his conversation. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he doesn’t converse with his FWB…there are no long discussions over dinner. No hanging out on the couch over a glass of wine. So it’s possible, I suppose, that the fact we didn’t fuck for hours is irrelevant to him – because that in itself is not the meaningful part.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to play games, but I fear being open about this will make me sound insane. I think it best to not communicate now, and let him come to me. But that’s the worst part for me; hoping it’s an hour but fearing it will be a week.

Time will tell, if I let it.

0 thoughts on “I feel terribly unsettled when I should be excited (Part 2)

  1. So it is almost like you are the one he wants to have possibly “more” with and the other person is the FWB? I say this because of his willingness to stay and cuddle without anything else occurring.

    What a strange dynamic and change, considering. I wish I knew what to tell you. I can get needy in certain relationships, and in others I am not needy enough.

    I hope you get some sort of answers, and release, soon.

    • Oh yes, the other is his FWB. I am not just an FWB with him – we have spoken about it a couple of times. He would not spend the kind of time with me he does, if that is all I am.

      But yet I still havent heard back from
      him at all.

  2. You know, when someone writes “Six-fucking thirty” I know I’d like them, because we’ve all been there, but not necessarily in your situation which you write about with such a direct impatient passion, that no one could read and be indifferent. That is what I always love about your posts

    • Thank you very much, Peter. I am glad you like them πŸ™‚

      I know lots of people wake up that early…but on a morning with no child and no plans and a man in my bed…who needs to be up that early!?

  3. You do sound needy, and I think that’s the part you need to address, to tell him honestly that you are needy and have (list them) needs. I wouldn’t bring up anyone else, just address you and your needs.
    I am needy, I need so many of the same things you’ve stated, and I’ve played the games to see if they would meet the needs, and the hardest and smartest thing I’ve done is approach my new love with a list of my demands (needs), not hope he can read my mind, setting us both up for failure and frustration.

    • That is very good advice.

      If I am getting what I need I will care less about the other things. Based on our previous conversations, I know he is willing to let his FWB go, but not yet. If I didnt know about her, I dont think i would have a “lets be exclusive” conversation yet anyway. So I shouldnt rush that.

      But you are right – it is about my own needs.

    • Brilliant advice, frankly. Dating sucks, but so does telepathy. There’s nothing to apologize for, technically, other than having needs that conflict with the kind of relationship that he thinks he’s having (ie, FWB).

      I’m a realist (and have been through this): casually dating precludes that specialness.

  4. Have you addressed or researched anything about ADHD and his meds and their effect on sex? There is a physical/physiological aspect that could be affecting him. That’s one point.

    The second, what are his needs and wants? Yours seem pretty clear and apparently aren’t in alignment with his right now. It sounded to me that perhaps he needed some relaxing down time with a smart, sexy woman who can carry on an intelligent conversation. Instead he got a very horny, needy woman who was up for way more than he anticipated. Nothing at all wrong with that – just divergent wants/needs. His business is a very, very stressful one….

    At the end of the day, I’m so sorry that things went sideways. Hopefully you get it back on track. My thoughts are with you.

    • No, I haven’t researched it yet…been too busy writing here πŸ™‚

      I do think that is part of what was going on – he just wanted to chill, have some nice but not outrageous sex, and go to sleep holding me (it’s what he likes). I also didn’t tell him what I needed because I was afraid he would feel bad.

      But now I’m all in a lather (obviously) and I would bet he doesn’t even realise it.

  5. wow! I feel like I’m reading myself. I am needy too, but in the last couple of months I learned to stop myself being needy. You need to do the same. You need to learn how to pull yourself away from the guy. If you continue to behave like that he will disappear from your life one day.
    And if you feel like you need a conversation, then have it. Because at least you will stop worrying and overanalyzing the whole thing. Sat him down and tell him what you think. And if, for any reason (I really don’t think you sound insane) you will sound crazy to him, then it means that this is not a guy for you.
    You also don’t need a man in your life, who doesn’t make you feel adored and desired.

    • Ah – how did you stop being needy, if you don’t mind my asking?

      And yes, sometimes the reaction to unmet needs will have the opposite effect – driving someone away.

      You are right – it’s not too much to want to feel adored and desired. Full stop.

      • It is NOT too much to want this, Ann. You also want to be NEEDED! I It isn’t that I define my marriage by this, but it is a very important quality of our marriage and relationship – that we need each other.

      • I am not sure really…it happened gradually. I have had a lot of casual and less causual relationships in the past year. I was SO needy at the beginning, straight after divorce (and deep inside me, I still am), but I have decided that I need to focus on myself, I need space, I need to sleep well at night and I need to eat. I can’t let a man to rule my life.Besides, guys need their breathing space too. So, in my mind I withdraw from a guy I am seeing and tell myself that if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be and he will make contact no matter what. If he is not the guy for me then be it. I am sure there is someone else waiting for me.
        But, if you read my blog, I have a lot of insecurities and I still overanalyze, but I am trying my best to reduce it and it works!

  6. Ann, I’m sorry about the worry you are going through. Since the part 1 posting of this, I’ve been trying to decipher Andrew’s behavior from a male perspective, hoping I could relieve you with an answer to what is going on. It could be so many things, but from my own dysfunctional male past, one idea is that he may be sabotaging (not purposefully). It may be that he psychologically is caught between you (whom he really wants) and FWB. He is avoiding the painful confrontation with FWB (which would be liberating if he would just go ahead and do it), and that is the distraction. However, if he doesn’t perform with you (limited communication, withdrawn sex), it may make you frustrated enough to dump him (not the desired outcome, but his problem goes away). I know it sounds messed up, but I ashamedly have done this myself (to my detriment). It’s a coward’s move, but I’ve observed that it is common avoidance behavior in guys. Of course, it could be something entirely different, and the other commentators have all provided good feedback about those. I just thought it might help to share this one little bit of messed up behavior from the guys’ playbook.

    I hope he is able to get over whatever it is, because you two seem good together.

    • Brad,

      Thanks so much for the thoughtful comment. What you say has crossed my mind – he said he needed the FWB because he doesn’t move as fast emotionally as I do, and he has his own issues (with commitment and love, I presume). He also made a point of telling me that he’s had few serious relationships in his life, ever (1 before marriage, his marriage, and 1 afterwards). So… on the one hand, it’s early to contemplate something like that. We don’t know each other all that well yet. Or he may have concluded I’m not right for him, and yes, is sabotaging things. He may just not know how to deal with this.

      I still haven’t heard from him and am debating whether to send a text message (not doing so seems like a game) and what to say.

  7. I think the very short conclusion is that you are a step ahead of him. I actually think we are always one step ahead men: they prefer to see where things lead them rather than make any plans for the future. And I know you consciously are not “planning” but you are kind of “envisioning” a future already : a future where his fwb girl doesn’t exist for example. I think the “np” texts makes me think that he’s slightly upset. The reason can be any really. It can even be related to his medical issue. I am needy too and I cannot keep things to myself because I am so transparent. However in this case I’d give him time to address the issue. And if he cares he will. We women tend to over analyse when in reality most men are pretty simple and easy to read.

    • I am being careful (although not succeeding) at not presuming what he’s thinking. I suspect he would be surprised if he knew how distressed I was about all of this.

      I haven’t heard anything from him since my last text message (yesterday around noon)…I know he’s busy, but it’s irritating. Perhaps he thinks I want space, when it’s the last thing I want right now.

      Sigh. Perhaps I just need to take a break from all men. At least for 24 hours lol…

      • Maybe he is not ready to address the issue yet….you were the last one texting him so he knows that he can contact you when he’s ready to. I really don’t think you should attempt to contact him yet before he gets back to you (but I know you probably already ignored my advice anyway hehehe). Sometimes even me (and i am a woman) need time to think clearly about a specific thing which for some reason has come across someone else’s head but not mine yet so you have to consider the time for the assimilation. I’d say that by now, he should already got at least the vibe of what is going on so let him assimilate and..breathe. good luck whatever the outcome is

        • Well, I did reach out. I simply said “Can we talk today or tomorrow”. That was three hours ago and there has been no response. I know he’s busy and not a big texter at the best of times, but this is different.

          I was going to say that I needed some space, actually. That I didn’t want to talk to him every day. That what I need is something I don’t think he can give me, and my expectations are too high, so I need to back away. Talking every day and building that connection just makes me feel worse when he can’t give me what I need.

          Does that make sense?

          • It does make sense to me. But then again it seems both of us have these complex emotional minds. I am going to advise you to ask the following question to yourself :”Are you having this conversation with him in the secret hope that he asks you to not back away and basically that he is willing to try to give you what you need?” You have to be very honest to yourself when having this introspection. Also even if the answer for that question is yes, it still might be beneficial to have that conversation if you feel that is something you need to move on (aka , yes,Iff he is not at the same stage at you, you rather find out now and end everything you two have

  8. To be honest, I’m a bit confused. I thought you didn’t want anything more than a FWB, but it seems to me you want and need more at this moment.

    My advice to you, at this point, is to figure out just what you want and need. If you don’t know then he certainly never will.

      • Ann, it certainly appears to be that you need to heal. I am wondering if you have delayed that part of your post-marriage recovery process.

        What amazes me about WP (and you, Ann) is that there are so many people identifying with you and offering up so much of themselves in an effort to help you. What love you have garnered from complete strangers. That is mind blowing. πŸ™‚

        • Yes, it is. I’ve just written about it.

          I don’t know that I’ve delayed healing from my marriage. I’m not mourning the loss of that relationship. But what is definitely happening is these experiences are causing me to realise the damage that has been done, both from my marriage and possibly other relationships as well.

          • That certainly makes sense. Now you just have understand what it is that you want and need. To me, it sounds like you need to have a (dare I say?) monogamous relationship. You need to trust him and you seem to need reassurances that you are loved (and are worthy of being loved like that).

            It also is apparent that you want him ( whomever it is or will be) to want the same for you.

            Perhaps I am way off base.

          • Ann, I hope that you find everything in a relationship that you need.

            I am assuming that nothing has changed with the current situation?

          • So sorry, Ann. I would invite you out here to stay with us and to let me baby you and let you get lost from all of that for a while.

  9. Here’s a thought:
    The reason most married men have affairs is not because they meet some hot, new thing but because they meet someone who will -listen-. It’s probably very significant that he wants to just hang out and talk. Which is not to say that you shouldn’t also get your needs met, but you need to state them clearly. Just tell him what you need, what kind of sex you want. Don’t leave him to try and figure it out because it’s hard for guys to figure out the right answer. Especially in a situation like this where society says “women want to hang out and talk more than they want sex.”

    • Hi Andrew and welcome to my blog. Hope you hang around for a while πŸ™‚

      Yes, I think you are correct that the “hanging out” part is significant to him. And you are also correct that I should tell him what I need.

      Right now the biggest barrier to that is him ignoring the text message I sent him 2 hours ago, asking if we could talk today or tomorrow.

      Sigh. Dating sucks.

  10. OMG…the “np” text. …it makes me want to literally yank every hair out of my head.

    You’re putting so much pressure on everything already. Pressure on you, on him, on the relationship…I agree with Spacefreedomlove…your heart doesn’t sound ready to let anyone in again…so why force it?

    • Well he told me he doesn’t want pressure. I’m trying very hard to have him not see the internal dialogue that I’m sharing here, for that very reason.

      But I know something is off, now. I didn’t hear back from my last text sent yesterday around noon. Today I sent a note at 10:30am that said “Hi; can we talk or see each other today or tomorrow?”… and there has been no response.

      I fucking hate this.

      Yes, perhaps I should go back to empty sex with no expectations.

  11. I had no relationship with my father, which then left me fixated on the male gender up until recently in my life (when I addressed it hardcore through meditation). I wonder if your dad was around to cuddle you and tell you how very special you are to him…I am working on loving my OWN inner man (some call it a Daimon, the male version of the muse).

    I say these things only in the chance they resonate with you. πŸ™‚ They may not at all.

      • Ok yeah…my heart goes out to your little girl heart. Not trying to be all soggy and sentimental, but these patterns persist…I learned once that when you are feeling low (which can actually be a huge range of different emotions), really step back and look at the emotion, think back to how old you were when you first felt it, then address that girl as if you were her lionness mother. Tell her that you are there to protect her. I guess it can be seen as a sort of reprogramming.

        You are a strong woman!!

    • Jami, thank you for saying these things. They resonate deeply with me πŸ™‚
      My dad has never cuddled me, not that I can recall. I never felt safe with him. I even found excuses that it was my fault for having nose bleeds when he’d slap me too hard (obviously, it was my body’s fault, not his!).
      Like Ann, I never felt I was enough for him.
      I will try what you suggest. A hypnotherapist tried something similar with me, but I think I wasn’t ready for it yet. !8 months later, I may finally be πŸ™‚
      Thank you.

  12. Ok, I first read this on my phone, now I’m at my laptop. I reread the first few lines and I was reminded of a children’s story. It was about a teacher, first year in the job, very unsure of herself. She teaches Kindergarten, reads a daily story. And every single day, about 2 minutes after she starts to read the story, a little girl goes to sleep. Of course, being new and insecure, she imagines she is this horrible teacher, she’ll never be any good at what she does, if she manages to bore her students into sleep not even five minutes into a story. And at the end of the book, we learn that particular girl’s mom hasn’t been around for a few years and even when she was, she wasn’t available to her little girl. So the little girl had never experienced the joy of being read a story at bedtime, never had the joy of going to sleep while hearing soft, loving words told. What this teacher had actually given her was the chance of feeling safe and being able to go to sleep.

    I’m just saying: maybe his going back to sleep was just that: him feeling safe with you? I know, weird perspective, but… you won’t know what is going on in his head until you ask him πŸ™‚

    Now, let me go back to my reading πŸ˜‰

    • Thanks Dawn πŸ™‚

      Yes, I think he values that kind of time together more than the sex. He’s told me he doesn’t value sex as much. So I must remember that…and it’s not that the sex means more to me, but what I perceived to be sexual rejection wasn’t a great thing.

  13. Any chance that you not getting over the top was because you were preoccupied too? I mean, it’s what used to get to me. All those horrible thoughts churning in my head. Am I going to get there? Why am I so bad that I can’t get there? What should I do to get there? What will my lover think if I don’t get there?
    Those were *my* thoughts. Now, yours may have been along the lines of: how long is he going to keep going? If it doesn’t last long, is it because he doesn’t really like me? Or is it that he doesn’t like my butt/boobs/eyes (circle the correct answer)? Or is it that I’m not good at sex? Or that he saw his FWB, and if he did so close to meeting me, then does it mean that he likes her more than me? Does he realise I realise something wasn’t quite right yesterday? Will he ever discuss it with me? Will he be honest when he discusses it with me?… Ok, you catch my drift πŸ˜‰

  14. As you say here “But with what happened last night and this morning, I can’t help but feel like I’m not special. I’m not enough […]”… this goes back to one of the comments above, to which I’ll come back in a minute because it speaks to me so bad!…
    It’s nothing to do with him then, or any FWB, but to do with how you feel when this sort of things happen. He cannot read your mind. You have known one another for such a short period of time. Did you tell him about the way your dad made you feel? About how you’ve always felt inadequate and were looking to feel something different with a lover?

    This doesn’t invalidate in any way the truth of your next statement, that you need to feel special…
    If he knows he needs to make you feel special, he either is willing to do it and will try his best to provide that feeling for you, or it is more than he wants/can give you (or any woman) at the moment, and he will simply tell you and leave. But if he doesn’t know, there is little chance that he will be able to provide it for you. I want to say: give him a chance! If you don’t communicate your needs, you don’t.
    Which is fine, if you want to treat this as a rebound relationship and not allow it to blossom. But you owe it to yourself, and to him, to make it a conscious decision πŸ™‚

    At least that’s what my gut is telling me. If only I could follow my own advice πŸ™‚

  15. Oh Ann.

    Sweetie. What are you doing to yourself?

    I want to wrap you up in bubble wrap. Don’t ask me why. I think you really need some softness right about now and since I can’t give you a huge hug bubble wrap it is.

    I totally feel that you need to address what it is you want from him. What do you need him to do/say/behave to validate your belief on your relationship? Start from there.

    Then tell him what you need from him in order to feel secure with him and what you are building. Don’t bring in his other FWB. This isn’t about her. It’s about what you need from him to feel secure. Discuss your feelings and how he can balance that.

    That’s always a good starting point. And one where you won’t be on this destructive path spiralling downwards.

    <3

  16. Hey lovely lady,

    You are getting lots of fantastic, sometimes conflicting advise here and just generally lots of love. Hopefully, it’s helping you sorry through your thoughts.

    I’ve finally caught up on the Andrew saga, so a lot of it is fresh in my mind. A few posts ago (“The beginning of a new relationship – but what kind”) you touched on several important points:

    1.) You’re getting mixed messages from him – he cooked you dinner and that’s important in your book, he talks about your value to him as a conversation partner. These things make you think you’re significant to him, especially in light of your recent experiences – these are “relationshippy” gestures, not casual fuck buddy gestures. At the same time he’s not following through on the expectations that these gestures are creating in you. In most dating contexts, these kinds of gestures are meaningful, and it could very well be that he’s either not aware that he’s creating these expectations – or he is aware and he means them.

    2. When talking to him, it might be worthwhile to say something similar to what you wrote in that other post: “He’s a nice guy, a decent guy, and he’s treating me well, but I don’t even really know him yet. There are a lot of different characteristics that will make or break a relationship. I’m still figuring out the things that I want and need, and I don’t want to be far down the emotional path before I find out a relationship is untenable. But I tend to go down that path anyway…or at least act like it.” You’re very clearly not sure yet if he’s someone you can date long-term, but you think there’s potential and are interested in exploring it. I think a lot of guys who move slow get freaked out when we press them too early to have that relationship talk, because they think they’re being trapped or whatever nonsense, when instead we are trying to protect ourselves.

    It’s also entirely possible that he has Big Shit going on but doesn’t feel he can share it with you, for whatever reason.

    But yeah, I’m seeing a lot of me in you, these last posts. We just want affection and love and to feel special. After being in an “affection desert” for so long, where it was all sexy touch and friendliness but nothing ultimately satisfying, it’s harder to bear. Then add in a relationship or two that whetted our appetites by giving us that love and then yanking it away before we had more than a taste – it’s a raging hunger.

    Just…be careful not to let that overly influence your interactions. You have needs that existed before and outside Andrew. Whoever your next somewhat serious relationship is (whether it is or is not Andrew), you’re bringing a lot of need in, and that next relationship seems unlikely to be able to meet all these needs. I think you need to do the self-care and love and reassurance thing.

    …but I don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s easier for me to look at your situation and see the solution, when my own is pretty similar, and I just want to throw myself into more people and relationships and try to feed my hunger there, rather than looking internally.

    Tl;Dr, this all sucks & take care of yourself.

    <3

  17. Boy… I just went back and re-read your posts about the first time you met Andrew. Talk about very different situations. The first time was all wild, passionate, insanely “all about you” sex. And now… well it’s just so different. Sometimes you just need that wicked thrashing. And the person who can provide that is not necessarily the same one who will provide your soul with the intimacy you need (“you” being the generic human.) Trying to turn one into the other can be a mind numbingly difficult task. Most often it’s not worth it.

    You are too close to the forest to see the trees right now, it would seem to me. But I would suggest that you go back and re-read those two posts. First of all because it was such a hot romp and you wrote about it really, really well. But secondly to see where this all started and try to figure if where you want it to go is even an option.

    That’s a sage as my thought can get. You are in my thoughts as you wander this path. I know you know you’re not wandering by yourself. You’ve got a gang behind you who collectively have your back. But the trick is to keep moving forward or we’ll all crash into you. Oh… and keep smiling.

  18. I enjoyed reading your detailed post about his responses to you and what you were thinking. It is interesting as it help me analyze my own situations with guys.
    I think part of the issue is that since he has a FWB, being with a woman in general is not that special to him. He is not as hungry for everything from a woman like a single guy would be. I know that for me too, if I have just had sex and cuddles with one guy, and then I get together with another one the next day, I do not feel as needy for those things as I would if I was only involved with just one guy.
    And I think this is a confusing situation because he is saying that he does not consider the FWB for a serious relationship, yet at the same time he has indicated that he has some emotional attachment to staying in the situation. What on earth does that mean? It kind of sounds to me like he is really sort of ambivalent about having a deeper kind of relationship at all.
    The comment somebody made about him unconsciously trying to sabotage things with you made a lot of sense.
    But I have to be honest that from reading your posts, it also seems to me like you have some ambivalence about having a real relationship as well. You had the opportunity to have all that attention and specialness and sex and commitment with Johnny Id and you decided that you didn’t want it. Now you are chasing after a guy who is not showing anywhere near the level of interest in you that Johnny had.
    I don’t think there’s really much of a middle ground between casually fucking and serious relationship. You may want to consider if perhaps it may take some time before you are ready for a real relationship.
    I’m curious to see how things go for you and I wish you the best

  19. So, I have many thoughts swirling about my head but the three points that keep cropping up:
    1) while you acknowledge that you’re needy and in that type of space when it comes to the man (or men) you are involved with, I totally get it. There is something about needing that connection. Daily. If even a “I’m thinking of you text”. You may need to set those parameters for him clearly. With my ldg, it was a compromise early on as he is used to compartmentalization and having to go “dark” when he needs to focus. Me, on the other hand, am all about blending worlds and daily connection important. It was a struggle for the first 8-months or so, but we continued to compromise and found what cadence works best for us. It’s daily communication of some sort, most usually an email and maybe a gchat if we can. So you can imagine when I don’t hear from him, I go down a path (not a pleasant one) quickly.
    2) I’m in agreement with others that have asked whether or not your heart isn’t quite healed from JohnnyId but more importantly, from this journey of your own that you admit you are on. Of being on your own, with your son and living your life fully. Discovering what you want, what you need and what feeds your sexual appetite. I would hazard that it’s difficult to want to be sexually free and able to explore desires and fantasies as one would like *and* want to be in a relationship in which there is exclusivity from one partner but not necessarily both partners. I’m not saying it’s selfish, as much as unless you are saying you want to be in an open relationship, or a hotwife situation and or even polyamorous-you might struggle with a lover (Andrew or someone else) that isn’t ready to commit to only you (and yes, that includes only playing with others together) if you aren’t ready to make the same commitment.
    3) I tend to think you might not be seeing the entire picture in that Andrew is a little older, correct? Also high stress, even as a successful real estate agent, and on the go can impede performance, no matter how sexually satisfying the partner is. In other words, give yourself and himself a break. You know how it is, even when you have a voracious sexual appetite, when your mind is on work, your tired sometimes the cuddling, talking and enjoying personal space is that much more satisfying. Which is clear he doesn’t see you as a FWB, you are his lover. For the last 30-months, he and I have never had the issue you mentioned until our last time together. We were both travelling and he had a large presentation which involved a tech demo. The morning of, he came to my room and I could see the stress in the slope of his shoulders and his eyes. He climbed into my bed and tried to get some morning frisky going but it was clear his mind was elsewhere. At first I was hurt and took it personally then I realized it’s just life, and we switched to just enjoying some breakfast and getting him mentally ready to go and deal with the vaporware issue.
    It’s clear, from your postings, that Andrew is all that and a bag of chips on many levels. You both enjoy one another’s company and you know you turn him on in more ways than just physically. It’s not easy and being similar to you, all I can say is get out of your own way and enjoy getting to know Andrew and the level of intimacy, every day intimacy, that you two share. {hugs}

  20. There’s nothing wrong with being needy, Ann. We’re all insecure to a point. You’re a wonderful, breathtaking, vital, intelligent woman who oozes sexuality from her pores, for Pete’s sake!

    This guy is lucky to have you in his life. Your patience is admirable – but it should have its limits. You have needs, Ann, and if Andrew can’t meet them? Well, that’s his problem. Too many of my fellow males appear to be acting over-emotional these days.

    You’re the type of woman every man dreams of, Ann. Never forget that, my dear friend.

  21. I’m late to the game here but it seems like you still haven’t heard a day later. I can’t really add anything different than everyone else has already. I can add that if he is taking meds that are short acting, they can absolutely affect performance. There is also a let down effect as they wear off and it’s different for everyone. When something is good we want it to be better, it’s in our nature as Virgos. It’s hard to just let things be. You are definitely moving faster than him, but that’s not to say he doesn’t arrive at the same place. Easier said than done I know! This elusive in between dating thing is tough, really tough.

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