The beginning of a new relationship – but what kind?

After my first solo date with Andrew, we spoke about when to see each other again. I tried to not be too presumptuous about what he wanted. I’m trying to be more careful on both sides.

From his perspective, I know he has a couple of others, and he has no issues with just casual relationships. I need to resist the urge to think his behaviour means something specific. Because that’s how I get hurt.

I will give you an example. I thought his making me dinner was really nice. Compared to some of the other men I’ve met, making me dinner would signify a major statement of how much I’m valued. And yes, I know how pathetic that sounds. But I’ve been with men who never thought to bring a bottle of wine with them, even though I hosted every. single. time.

But Andrew seems different. He makes an effort. So, I humbly submit that perhaps making me dinner isn’t unusual for him. Therefore, it makes me wonder if I’m like everyone else in his eyes.

From my perspective, I don’t want to get ahead of myself. He’s a nice guy, a decent guy, and he’s treating me well, but I don’t even really know him yet. There are a lot of different characteristics that will make or break a relationship. I’m still figuring out the things that I want and need, and I don’t want to be far down the emotional path before I find out a relationship is untenable. But I tend to go down that path anyway…or at least act like it.

And that goes both ways. I wouldn’t want to be head over heels about someone when they find out something about me that means they need to say goodbye.

All that to say, I’m being cautious.

Or at least I’m trying to be.

This situation also makes me realise I have no idea how to just date someone. I met Will (my ex) not long after I graduated from college. Dating was different then, or at least it was for me. I’m also out of practice. Yes, I’ve admittedly had quite the bevy of men in the past 14 months. But when I think about the experiences I’ve had, I don’t know that I would call it dating.

If you read the “Men I’ve Slept With” series, you’ll see what I mean. There were many men I ended up just seeing once. You could hardly call my relationships with P / Shenanigans, Naked Ironing Man, and Jason, dating. With each of them, we went for drinks or dinner a couple of times, but my dating bar is set much higher than that. The rest of the time they came to my place and we fucked.

I didn’t even really date Ariel, who was lovely. I could have with him; he was interested in different activities in the city. But I wasn’t interested in him that way.

The Giant lived in a different city. The dates we did go on were good, but we actually didn’t see each other all that much. When he was staying with me the only thing we did each night, other than sex, was watch movies. I was disappointed that he had no desire to go out and do things. Regardless, despite 10 or so posts written about him, we didn’t actually “date” for that long.

There were others, of course, but a few dates here and there don’t quite make it to the summary page. Sorry fellas.

I don’t need to recount Johnny’s story here. My first serious relationship after my split, and it was with someone 5,000 miles away. Torture. There is no comparison to the other men who have shared my bed. Very few others have shared my heart.

One thing I failed to realize was how different it was to be with someone who had read my innermost thoughts and feelings, and who knew everything I’d been up to in the previous year. I cannot expect to have the same hyper-honesty with anyone else and I’m catching myself in conversations with others because I am so used to just putting it all out there.

Wow. I kind of got off topic. But I suppose it’s all relevant.

All that to say, I don’t know how to proceed. I wrote a bit about not wanting to be in an FWB relationship, and I meant it. I will catch you up to current day because I’m now on vacation and have enough going on in my mind that I don’t want to be forced to write about past dates.

Here’s the short version. Andrew and I have seen each other several times since that first solo date. He came to my place three times, after my son was asleep. Each time, we didn’t just have sex. We snacked and drank wine and talked on my couch, getting to know each other better. Yes, we had sex too…it was hot and fulfilling…but that wasn’t all it was about.

Of course, my ongoing challenge with bodily fluids and him continues. The first time, I thought my period was over but NOPE. So now I think I’ve covered all the fluid (and solids!!) bases. He said “I hope you realize by now I’m not the kind of man to get bothered with that sort of stuff”.

I discovered that if you squirt while you are at the tail end of your period, and you have white cotton sheets, it looks like blood splatter from a murder. Dexter would have a field day. My education continues.

He told me that the two FWB relationships he has are different. There is no potential with them. Both are on the decline. The time we are spending together is different from the others – he needs intellectual stimulation for a relationship, which is something I provide. That he wouldn’t be spending the time if he didn’t see potential. He told me there was no comparison at all between them and me. That I’m fantastic in bed.

One of his best phrases so far? That the way things are going is not surprising, since we have had chemistry and discourse.

Some of these conversations occurred before my debate about being able to be in a FWB situation. I decided to tell him where my head was at. So, one night, laying in bed together, I told him I didn’t want a FWB. And that I couldn’t handle being with someone who was with others. NOT because I wanted to be in a heavy relationship that had a clear path toward something serious, but just because I wasn’t in a place where I was mature enough to deal with it.

Before I met my ex, I used to say that I was a serial monogamist, even if that monogamy lasted only one night. That’s what I’m talking about. I don’t have the time or the emotional energy right now to be managing a bunch of different guys, sleeping with them all, and having them do the same. It’s far too difficult to really measure what a relationship with that person might be like. I want to meet someone, spend some time with them, and then decide whether to continue or to say goodbye.

He told me he didn’t think it was a maturity thing at all. We talked a bit about my being competitive, and also that it was an insecurity thing (that’s when he made the comment I referenced early, that there was no comparison whatsoever).

He asked me what I was saying, and I said I wasn’t asking him to change anything but that I recognized I was having trouble with it and needed to sort it out. He volunteered that the one woman he’s with is pretty much at its end and it just needs a conversation to end it. And that with the other, it’s on a decline anyway.

I resisted my natural urge to press for more information. Because, I am learning. More information will just give me more to obsess about. If there’s anything to obsess about, it should be that this VERY experienced man thinks I’m the cat’s pyjamas in bed. That every time he grabs my ass he says “oh my god” to himself. That I’m worth winding down this physical relationships for. That he wondered out loud why I’m not sharing much about my past with him.

And that he liked me enough to get up at 5:30am and drive me to the airport.

To be continued…

0 thoughts on “The beginning of a new relationship – but what kind?

  1. There’s no real comparison, but you can be hyper-honest with me, Ann. I make a great long-distance sounding board.
    Hang in there. You’re on the right track.

    • My dear Hook…you are so sweet you even comment on a half-written post πŸ™‚

      I just re-posted the full thing.

      And thank you for the offer…I try to be hyper honest here. So anyone who meets me after reading my blog, I’m comfortable with sharing everything with.

      But new men? I fear they would run far away…

  2. ((Hugs)) to you as you go through these decisions. I am glad you are recognizing and acknowledging these questions as you go along.

    (side note: I have a question but want to know if it is ok to email you? It’s perfectly cool if you say no, but I don’t want to ask it here.)

  3. I hope you are enjoying your holiday. Seems as though you are at a critical road with deciding what you need and want from him. That you are being guarded is good as well. I know I have a tendency to be way overboard on sharing with new people. I don’t know how to turn off what I call the verbal diarrhea. I need a filter on my thoughts when I get nervous. That’s something I’m working hard to fix. Where to draw the line at TMI as they say. Too much, too soon, or too much, period. I’ve verbose at the best of times.
    Ah, personal flaws, what a bitch, lol. Looking forward to part deux.

  4. Hi Ann,
    Just popping in to let you know that I’ve not abandoned you! I love reading your heartfelt posts and appreciate how you worked through this as you went. My natural tendency is to provide advice, but it’s been 27 years since I’ve dated. The thought scares the hell out of me and I admire your grace and vulnerability. You are smart, valuable and beautiful and as much as I hate to use the word “deserve”…you deserve someone who treats you like you treat them. Sounds like you are on the right track…5:30 a.m. is not a little favor. πŸ˜‰

    • Hey darling!! Well you had the world series to contend with. I completely understand πŸ™‚

      By the way, you are smokin hot. I know this because of your pics. I’m going to be sporting a baseball cap myself today (but not your team, honey, sorry).

      Yeah, dating is a bit scary and there are so many things to remember that I was very happy I’d forgotten. It’s a learning experience, made somewhat better by the wonderful friends I’ve made here.

      Have a wonderful day!

      • Awww…thank you! ”
        Sporting a baseball cap”…only a hot woman can pull that off, babe and i have no doubt you are. Actually, I KNOW that you are! Wow!!! Quite the beautiful picture yesterday, Ann! I so admire (and envy) your confidence.
        Ball cap today? I hope that means you are off to do simething fun!! Xo

        • I’m on a solo vacation for 8 nights (!) with heat, sand, and ocean. Am in a 2 bedroom condo that can sleep six…so you know, if you are into last minute vacations, you should email me!!

          • Yes, it is…very much so. I’m starting to wind down (I’m writing this outside, by a fire pit, with proscecco in a reuseable cup (classy!), so starting to feel like life is okay.

          • Oh, you’re so kind!
            I was just teasing you! And myself really, because I think I could use a month long vacation right now!
            But I’ve got a few kids coming back tomorrow and work on Monday :-/
            But the idea of sand, heat and rest sounded so appealing, I couldn’t help myself but comment!
            πŸ˜€

          • I was serious πŸ™‚ but yes I know that work and children *do* get in the way of such things. It will be so rare that I get time to myself now, that I had to take advantage of the time that my ex is back in town!

          • I don’t know how your relationship with your son’s grandparents is, but it’s Ok sometimes to ask them to come over and watch after him. At least you don’t have to feel guilty about not being able to afford taking him on a vacation with you. Or going on a vacation when your family knows you can’t afford it :-/
            Sigh! One day I’ll be rich and can afford to go where I want for as long as I want without having anyone judge me for anything!
            But thank you for the very generous offer, it’s much appreciated! πŸ™‚

          • My Mom and I are very close. She takes my son one day a week, and she’s been a big help with staying when I have work events and the like. I think I need to book her in advance for some Saturday nights too..so I have a built in date night, whether with girlfriends or for men.

          • and I’m sorry about the judgment you experience. It’s difficult to find the balance of being a mom and wanting to date and all those things. Even when you have the family support, it’s a challenge. I’m usually thinking about what I’m supposed to be doing, versus what I want to be doing.

          • Yes, the judgement is the worst. But mainly, it’s from my ex. I’m pretty sure my family would tell me to go for it. But I would feel guilty to use the little money I have to pay for a grand vacation.
            I’m also always thinking about what I should be doing instead of what I really want to do. It’s a constant battle. But I suppose that’s what we call life :-/ Ok, I’m a bit pessimistic tonight. I don’t know why, but WP hadn’t notified me of your replies. Hmpf!
            Enjoy, ignore my grumpy comments and just enjoy πŸ™‚

          • It’s all good my dear. Not to worry; we all have our grumpy moments. I’ve learned that taking time for oneself is really good…and the people who support you will understand that as well. I’m far better to those I love when I’m rested and in a good place. Being a martyr isn’t good for anyone, in my opinion.

            It doesn’t have to be a grand vacation…just even a night or two to yourself can be really lovely.

            I should start a foundation for vacations for women who need a break! Hmm…

            Or at the very least, when I rent a place by the ocean this summer. open up the house to my female blogging friends πŸ™‚

            Could you imagine the conversations??

          • I’m sure there are a lot of female blogging friends who would appreciate this. I’m not sure I could come (not sure I can afford the plane ticket), but I’d enjoy living vicariously through you all (I do hope one of you would write about it all!)

            I do get a night or two to myself. I actually get more than that. But I suppose I have too many years of catching up to do. Or it’s the depression talking. Or the tiredness… I should go to bed πŸ˜‰
            I too realised that I’m better for everyone around when I’m rested. I just don’t allow myself to rest properly (part of my self destructing behaviour?)
            Good night Ann and all my friends πŸ™‚

        • What Mrs WC? You don’t blog?
          Well, what are you doing here then? Don’t you know about the rule that only bloggers are allowed to comment and make friendships on WP?
          No? Never heard of it? Ah, that’s probably because it doesn’t exist! I know that if I ever made it to that vacation place, I’d be happy to meet you there πŸ™‚

    • Me too. I needed to… and meant it when I said I wasn’t asking anything of him. It’s my decision to make, based on what happens or doesn’t happen. But I also needed to be clear it wasn’t because I know he and I are on a certain journey. I simply have no extra mind space to deal with any drama…so I figure it’s fully my right to set the boundaries I am comfortable with. And I have to live with the consequences, which as I’ve experienced recently, I know can be severe.

      xo

  5. I too am terribly guilty of verbal diarrhea. And THAT in itself is a lesson I have learned – and yet still do it sometimes. I love your honesty in your blog… I can connect to your feelings because I have had them as well. I only follow 2 blogs – mostly because I don’t have the time to read blogs all day, but also (selfishly) because I don’t want to read stuff i wish I’d written myself – but yours and Jenny Lawson’s I really connect to.

    I agree with Hook – you are on the right track. I think you are evolving again – and perhaps this is where you begin to find what you’re really seeking. Whether you find it with Andrew or he is just another “step” you’re climbing to get there, it is still progress.

  6. Ann, thanks so much for sharing about your time with Andrew. He sounds awesome. I hope so many good things for you and him. I’d try to give advice, but I’m a bit of a dating mess and in a confusing new relationship myself, so I wouldn’t trust me. I just want all the best for you.

  7. I have left a short comment here or there already, but wanted to add this:
    I completely relate to what you’re going through. I hadn’t dated in 20+ years. I don’t think I even dated since. It is a difficult thing to be thrown back into this arena and not knowing how to proceed. It is made even more difficult because we have changed a lot. We have insecurities about our bodies that we may not have had then (I know I do, oh the wonders of childbearing on the female body!), we are still just as unsure about where we want to go, though we tend to want to get there as fast, maybe even faster than we did back then.
    But we also are aware of what we can accept and what we are not ready to let happen any more. And we realise life isn’t eternal and our years here are numbered and we don’t have time to lose. So we would prefer things to happen yesterday than in a year. Sigh!

    It is easier when we can be completely open and I don’t think it’s worth it to not be. Because in the end, if something about us doesn’t agree with them, it’s better to find out earlier than after having invested in months with them. Or maybe not, since the time we spend with them is a time of growth no matter what!

    It is a difficult business this relationship stuff. Possibly why I stayed with my ex for so long: who could have wanted me, I was so worthless!
    And then, I was still thinking I needed someone in my life. Now, this is what scares me the most. As a young woman, I always thought that whoever wanted me was the best I could go with and changed myself so they would keep me. Now I need to be very wary to not reproduce the same pattern. And considering I haven’t really dated but am in a relationship… it’s a bit scary πŸ™‚ Did I reproduce the pattern again? Sigh!

    Good luck!
    But I do agree, getting up at 5:30 IS a good sign πŸ˜‰

    XO

    • Yes! I agree with you on so many fronts. It’s very strange to be thinking about these things again… how not to repeat past mistakes, questioning what it is that we really want, and how to take care of ourselves. It’s easy to jump into sex, but then to take a step back and really think… yikes.

      For example, my breakup with Johnny was very difficult. I miss him like crazy, every day. However I knew the right thing for me was to take more time for myself, and unfortunately there wasn’t a halfway solution. We tried and failed. As much as I hate to have caused him pain, I had to take care of myself. So on the other hand, I am very proud that I was able to do what I knew I needed to do.

      15 years ago I would not have made the same decision.

      • I know exactly what you’re saying. You SHOULD be proud to have done what was right for you. No one else can do it!
        And yes, it is hard to cause pain, but in the end, the way they choose to react to something is out of our control. We can only know what is right by us, state it in the most loving way possible and then see whether it’s possible to work around our needs.
        Good job on doing this.
        As for jumping into sex… I don’t seem to have found it as easy as you. Maybe one day? πŸ™‚
        Good luck with everything. Whatever happens, it will be alright in the end. If it’s not alright, it’s not the end!

  8. Ann, I don’t think that i could add anything to what you said other than your heart and head are seemingly beginning to sync for the first time in quite a while. I am glad to see that you are looking at this (I hesitate to say) relationship differently than those in the past.

    I know far too many men who would love to be in the same position as you being engaged in FWB and casual activities rather than (or in addition to) their marriage. The idea of being out there “dating” scares the heck out of me. You mentioned not knowing how to date and that is something that I identify with, completely! I wouldn’t know where to begin if I were thrust into that situation.

    Glad you’re enjoying your sand, sun and quiet and are spending much needed time with yourself!

  9. Just popping in to let you know I’m here and reading, but that I have no idea what to say. I’m not good with any of this shit, but I’ve got your back no matter what.

  10. As I sit here on my very first night alone in my new apartment, away from my husband…I just appreciate your honesty. You’re just real in how you express yourself.

    I hope you have a gorgeous vacation, Ann.

    • Congratulations!! It’s the beginning of an amazing (but difficult, for sure) journey. I hope you are feeling okay tonight, but if you need to talk to anyone, I’m available on google chat. My email is on my contact me page or you can use annstvincentblog@gmail.com

      I’m glad my words are good for you πŸ™‚

    • Jami, I also want to say welcome to the club.
      I moved out of the marital home not even a year ago and can still remember how difficult it was that first night. Please, know I’m there too (Continental Europe, which has the advantage that I’m awake at different times than Ann πŸ˜‰ )
      dawnsnights@gmail.com
      Good luck, Hang in there. It’s a bit difficult at first but can also feel so freeing!

      • Thank you Dawn! It went ok, and I can’t help but say this morning: I have a Big fat crush on my new apartment. πŸ˜€ i hope you are also doing well your first year in..curious to learn more…will pop over to your blog. πŸ™‚

        • I am so happy to read this! I remember how happy I was to have found my little place as well… even though I spent my first night in the old place, which was empty. My bed wasn’t up yet and I couldn’t face being by myself in unfamiliar surroundings, with no Internet connection, knowing I was going to spend Christmas away from my kids for the first time. It was really a mixed feeling event. But I was glad I did it. Here is the post I wrote that first night after having moved
          http://dawnsnight.wordpress.com/2013/12/23/im-free/

          And by all means, do come and visit! I’d enjoy giving you a tour πŸ˜‰

  11. I understand many of your dating woes and general feelings about relationships. It’s hard not to obsess and get attached. I also find that if it even seems like it’s not going to pan out, I jump ship or push them away. No sense pretending.

    Good luck navigating this! I know it’s hard.

    • Thank you Cara. I’m trying to just find some peace within myself, and honour the things that I can and cannot do. For example, the pain I felt when Johnny was with another woman was worse than when I decided to split from my ex. So…instead of trying to think that I just need to evolve, I’ve realised I’m not good at sharing. It is what it is.

  12. Oh Ann, great post and as Marian said above, glad you told him how you were feeling. I think it’s interesting that you felt vulnerable sharing your feelings and where you were at with him (resonates on many levels) and your own thoughts on competitiveness and or inherent need for definition. Brava. Like you, I love Andrew’s use of chemistry and discourse. “He” and I have had a couple of similar conversations over the course of the last 2.5 years and he says something similar when it comes to us and the why’s and why not’s and the evolving of his own boundaries and my own.

    I maintain my opinion that Andrew just may be that self-actualized man, yes, they exist! πŸ˜‰ that is in it for the long haul with you. Whatever “it” is as defined by you as you go along on this journey. As always, thank you for sharing!

  13. I don’t know what I’m more impressed by this fellow. The fact that he’s, uh, not bothered by certain fluids (it would freak me out, sorry), or that he drove you to the airport. Either way, he sounds like a keeper me to me. Don’t think about it so much, just go with it.

    • He has a lot of sexual experience. It’s a bit unsettling at times but I’m trying to focus on the fact that he thinks I’m fantastic. You know, glass half full and all that.

      But yes, I am trying to not overthink, just be myself, and go with the flow. It’s not my nature. But I need to try.

  14. This is great to read and I’m glad that you guys talked about it.

    Well then I think you’ve pretty much covered a lot of bases and I’m really glad to hear that you aren’t rushing into this one. I think taking the time is a great thing, especially at the beginning of anything!

    Enjoy your time off.

    x

  15. I think it’s good to be honest about your feelings about the FWB situation. I would caution you to go slow and be careful. A guy who is engaged in juggling three ongoing relationships has some red flags. It is very common for guys to say that their other relationships are over to someone new. That may not necessarily reflect the reality of the situation.
    Of course this could be different and he may ultimately be interested in a more committed relationship with you at some point. That possibility is there too. It takes time to get to know someone and see what they are really about. Sometimes guys get really excited about a new partner but then over time lose interest, or they like to triangulate and play women against each other. Just saying. Good luck πŸ™‚

  16. This is perfection. Let’s be honest…you’re way too analytical to have a FWB any way πŸ˜‰ I think that’s extremely clear JUST from this post. hahaha

    • Lol yes I suppose that’s very true. Last night I told him in some ways I was glad that he didn’t text me all the time. When he inquired as to why, I explained that his silences weren’t all the more obvious then. Once he understood what I meant, he asked me if it was hard being so smart πŸ˜‰

      It’s VERY hard for me not to overanalyse things. Totally. Right now there’s this constant little voice asking me how many times I think he’s slept with the others since he met me. I do NOT want to know this…so I need to find a way to keep that voice from driving me to ask.

      • What would knowing the answer mean to you? Would it change the way you felt about him or about yourself? Does Ann St. Vincent have to be the best at everything? πŸ˜‰

        • Harrumph.

          YES I like to be the best at everything. I can’t stand it when I’m not good at something I do. How did you figure that out πŸ˜‰

          What difference would it make? Well, none on the surface, but that’s not where it matters. For example, if I knew he fucked her then came over, or that he’s seen her 4 times, etcetera… I couldn’t help but feel diminished, somehow.

          Like last night when he said his cock was “all mine”…the immediate response in my head was “oh, well not just mine”. That kind of thing. It feels like an infection, those kinds of thoughts.

          • I’m not surprised he has a theory at all. He loves theories..;) Yes…I’m extremely possessive. πŸ˜€ However…my possessiveness does not surface by being a Dominatrix. It comes out in other ways….

      • “Right now there’s this constant little voice asking me how many times I think he’s slept with the others since he met me.”

        Where do you think this comes from? Why would you suppress it? Some thoughts form so organically within us and yet we fight those that go against a decision that we strive for and cling to.

        Be mindful of your feelings. They can serve you just as well as analytical thought. Instinct and intuitive ideas are gifts.

        • I suppress that one, in particular, because the answer won’t do me any good. If he says he hasn’t been with them, then I may assume he won’t be. If he has been several times, then it will diminish me and how he feels about me (in my mind).

          So I need to recognize at some level I want to know – but it’s a proxy for wanting everything neatly ticked and tied. I like to have things sorted. In other words, it’s not actually the sex question…it’s the “how does he feel” and “what does he want” question. And I can’t even answer that fully, so I can’t imagine he can yet. Backing him (and me) into a corner is not wise.

          Does that make sense?

          • It makes perfect sense.

            As one who has been married to the same woman for a quarter-century and has never been with anyone else, I would love to have everything neatly ticked and tied, too. Since we are fallible and vulnerable to a bevy of internal and external influences, having everything tidy is more of a lovely facade rather than reality.

            It appears to me that you are slowly working your way out of the shambles of your broken heart (from your marriage) and you are finally healing. Knowing what I want in my relationship is akin to definitively understanding what I want to be when I grow up.

            Either I don’t know or I simply cannot articulate it to myself. Either of those thoughts are healthy and since I have communicated this to Mrs. WC and we are figuring this out together, we are healthy. In understanding this, I have a better point of reference to the cliche’ of “growing old together.” The emphasis in that is GROWING. That is the expectation that we both have.It allows us to be forgiving toward each other when we make mistakes (we have made some sizable ones).

            I am rambling. Sorry.

          • No need to apologise for rambling; I do so here every day.

            The difference as I see it is that you have a foundation upon which you are building. I have no such thing…as a result, I seek clarity where I can.

          • When you say it like that, it sounds to me like you’re suggesting that building such a foundation is an impossibility for you. Seeking clarity is only part of the equation. Perhaps with the clarity you begin laying the brickwork of a new foundation for yourself.

          • No, I’m not suggesting that at all. The reality is, however, that I am *not* in a relationship. Therefore, there is no foundation of one.

            I have lots of structures in other areas of my life. Just not love. With a man, that is.

          • I think that this is a very clear example of why I should not be posting comments while hurtling down the freeway at 70 miles per hour. Voice to text or not I am clearly overlooking the nuances of this conversation and losing sight of the context. πŸ˜‰

  17. You have a lot to work through, that which you obviously are already aware and my biggest takeaway from what you’ve written here is that you are learning. Can’t ask for much more than that in life.

    I have to say I am curious and maybe I haven’t read far back enough and you’ve already wrote about it or addressed it in another post, but why is it that you would want open for you but not the men or man you see? This befuddles me.

    • God forbid I ever stop learning.

      With regard to open… a while ago I knew I wanted to keep exploring with multiple men, no matter what. I trusted myself that I could have a primary relationship that was committed and loving, and have any other physical dalliances not impact that relationship. So I believed I was capable of being open.

      However I couldn’t bring myself to be accepting of it in the reverse – I didn’t trust that it’s true for the men I was with. It triggers my insecurities and drives me insane. Especially when someone is long distance, there is little opportunity to reconnect and reassure each other.

      Ultimately I realized that I can’t have an imbalanced relationship, because of the resentment it inevitably breeds. So it’s not something I want right now.

      Does that make sense?

      • “Ultimately I realized that I can’t have an imbalanced relationship, because of the resentment it inevitably breeds.”

        This is a monumental acknowledgement of your reality, Ann. Whether or not you can attain that balance with this man remains to be seen, but being open to sharing this with him is a good step. Perhaps he is seeking this as well and for him, you are that person.

        Whatever the outcome, it is good to read this comment from you.

      • Amazing how many things in life come down to the trust we put in other people. This was one of the sticking points for my husband not wanting to open our marriage up. He is “okay” with us playing together with others but not apart and I’ve been trying to understand where his mindset is at about it, instead of being hurt that he wouldn’t trust me.

        I’m not sure it makes any more sense to me, but I’m sure its added another piece of the puzzle I’m trying to figure out for myself. πŸ™‚

        • In this case, at least for me, it’s also about old experiences, old hurts, and insecurities. I quite obviously struggle with knowing that I’m enough for someone else….

          oh… I just had an insight. I think πŸ™‚

          My insecurities are not about the person *I* am…I know my self worth and that I am a pretty good package. Sure, I wish I had a smaller ass but in the grand scheme of things, it’s pretty minor. My insecurities are about feeling that acceptance from others. Knowing I’m enough for someone…that they want me above all others.

          And that’s why an open relationship scares the shit out of me. Someone can tell me over and over again how much they love and adore me. They can do all kinds of wonderful things for me. Yet I find myself seeking the little signs that it’s untrue. Because at some level, that’s what my experience was. It’s not about the person I’m with, unfortunately.

          Hmm…I think I should write a post about this. Thanks ‘Tis πŸ™‚

          • I really had to think about what you said here because I can relate to it all, having some major insecurities of my own and previous hurts to contend with. The one thing I keep going back to in your response is that you β€œstruggle with knowing that I’m enough for someone else…” and I suppose because you just found some insight into this and will write about it, I suggest that you ask yourself, why do you need to be enough for someone else, why do you need acceptance and to know that they would want you above all others? It’s clear to me that you do not expect another person to be your end all be all, if that was true you would not seek out the experiences or relationships you do. So why then should you have to be that for someone else? And also, what’s so wrong with giving others the opportunities to prove your fears baseless. If they do fail you, you are in no worse position than you are now and I would even argue that you are in a better one because you were able to see beyond yourself and provide someone else the same courtesies you are asking of them. Instead it would appear based on what you are saying that you seek out their failures based on the previous wrongs of others. Which sounds a lot like, *guilty by association of being human* however you are way too smart for that and I bet it has more to do with you accepting the fact that you can’t be enough for someone else because you know there is no one else out there that can be enough for you and guess what? While that realization can be crushing and scary, speaking from experience here. It’s okay! Once you accept it, it can be liberating if you let it.

            and I can’t wait to see what you write about in regards to this. πŸ™‚

          • You’ve given me a lot to think about…I’d better get writing πŸ™‚

            My ex used to say to me that any choice for one thing was a choice against something else. I scoffed for a long time, but I understand now what he means.

            When I referred to someone wanting me above all others – it’s not about being the “be all and end all”…I don’t want to be the only thing in someone’s life. But it is about someone wanting to be with me and that I fulfil them enough that they don’t need another woman to fulfil them.

            Hmmmm….

          • I’ve discovered needs and wants are two different things. I don’t need another person man or woman in my life other than my husband, but I want one or two or three. πŸ˜‰

            xo

  18. I am so glad Andrew is turning out to be such a true, real guy…we all know how rare this is. Meaning he seems pretty honest and it also seems he appreciates that you told him how you feel. I think it’s amazing you can stay so level headed about telling him what’s on your mind…and will definitely benefit both of you in the longer term…and driving you to the airport…great guy! πŸ™‚

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