Taking a chill pill

A few of you have asked (gently) why I’m so needy and obsessive about this Andrew dude.

It’s a good question, definitely. I haven’t lost my edge; haven’t suddenly become incapable of casual sex. I still want to fuck like a rabbit pretty much all the time.

A few things are going on. If you’ve been with me for the last couple of months you know I am now a single parent. I had surgery which messes with my hormones. I also experienced a spectacular and kinda public breakup, with significant anger directed my way, which has left me grieving the loss on several levels.

One of the biggest problems I have today however is my lack of free time. I adore my son, but I really enjoyed having every other week free for the first year. A big goal of mine post-split was reestablishing friendships I had let go. I am really resenting that I can’t do it anymore.

I let my frustration get the better of me. In the last month I didn’t fill my social pipeline as I usually would. So that left me with a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The other impact to my lessened personal time is my lessened willingness to spend the little free time I have trying to date new men. All you have to do is read about my dating experiences to know that finding the right person for me has been elusive. It takes time and emotional energy to date – and I don’t have the latter either. All these changes in my life have left me vulnerable. I recognize I’m not in a great place to date.

I wasn’t looking for a new partner – either for casual sex or a relationship. Finding Andrew was a surprise. And although I didn’t write about it explicitly, after our first couple of encounters we’ve talked almost every day. So he’s not an unknown entity to me.

At the time I met him, I wasn’t seeking out others because I was tired of doing so. I also wanted to give myself some time after Johnny. But of course it would have been nice to have just one person to fulfil my sexual and companionship needs – especially someone who understood my limited time. I need to plan in advance, have someone willing to come by my place after my son has gone to sleep, and who can fuck like a madman.

It seemed that Andrew could be that person. BUT in thinking this, I stopped looking around and keeping my options open. It was an easy thing to do – the path of least resistance.

So you have a perfect storm. Already vulnerable from recent experiences, isolated from friends, with high expectations.

I’ve taken my chill pill now.

He called me last night and asked if he could come over for a glass of wine. We sat on my couch and chatted and kissed and fondled a little until I told him I wanted to take him upstairs. Except with the caveat that my body has decided to have a mid-term period (in solidarity with my US friends perhaps). He laughed and said he liked that we could be so open about those things and of course it didn’t bother him.

But we didn’t fuck. We got naked and kissed and he wrapped himself around me and proceeded to fall asleep…saying he was sorry and he would make it up to me.

I realised in that moment, laying there
sexually frustrated, that he values that much more – the companionship and the dialogue – than he does the sex. The irony of course is that he’s not using me for sex, and he’s being cautious and careful to not move too fast. And while my head knows it’s the right thing, I’m also not used to it.

So, I’m chilled. As he left I asked him if I would see him before our next Friday night date (threesome night at Ann’s!!) and he said “of course!”

But to ensure I don’t put all my proverbial eggs in one basket, I had also reached out to the Comedian and the Lawyer earlier this week. The latter and I were going to see each other one night this week, but the timing wasn’t right the evening he was free. The Comedian is mopey and busy, but we are trying to find a time.

I almost even contemplated taking P / Shenanigans up on his infrequent but regular asks to get together (he’s a perfect candidate for casual sex since he’s such an asshole) but I decided against it.

And then there was one other guy – who I have only ever mentioned in passing in one post. He is in the car business and although I hadn’t heard from him in a long time, yesterday I reached out to him to ask whether he could recommend a body shop for my car – which was damaged way back in June. He said he was glad I reached out as he has lost all the data on his phone (could be true…I don’t really care).

So now I have a late night post girls-night-out date with him tonight. At my place πŸ˜‰

Now if my body would just stop its damn bleeding, that would be perfect.

0 thoughts on “Taking a chill pill

  1. So many of my fellow males seem to be more emotional (“girlie”) than most girls these days! Weird, right?
    I wish he had thrown you around like a pinata, Ann, but I’m confident you’ll work this out. You’re made of strong stuff, young lady.
    P.S. Hope the bleeding subsides – STAT!

  2. I’m glad you posted this. My radar was beeping like crazy with all the needy behavior but I didn’t want to come out and say that, being a new follower of your blog. Glad to see you are able to objectively analyze your own behavior and self correct.

    As for “me time” that you previously had last year–that time is worth more than gold Ann. I never had it for years, but I do now. And if a week goes by with a change to that routine, I feel the difference by not having that adult time. Our date nights are crucial to where we are at in our relationship. My mantra is, “this is cheaper than a divorce” :-). So saying that, have you thought about what you can do to keep that time in place? Since your ex is the one who has left, is there room for a conversation about him picking up some extra babysitting fees to provide that much needed break? Could you find another parent willing to commit to 1x a month sleepovers so you at least get another weekend? Just trying to brain storm ideas.

    If this is how you feel now, how will you feel two years down the line without having every other weekend free?

    • Its great advice, thank you. Prior to him leaving I had every other week free. We shared our son 50/50. So this is a massive difference and it is taking me some time to adjust.

      He has agreed to compensate me for our nanny’s overtime – which I have needed on occasion. And I have friends who have offered. My Mom fills in a lot of nights when I have to be away for work. The thing that keeps me from leveraging these options more is that I do not have much time with my son during the week – so now that I am the primary caregiver I am sensitive to not being away from him too much. Especially with one absent parent. And I have not yet re-started my work travel, which I need to do.

      I do however have to find a balance that works not just for my son, but me as well. I know I will find a cadence that works…and I also have to accept that it is simply my new reality.

      (And you could have said I was needy – I would not have minded at all!!)

      • That is a massive adjustment Ann. Not having every other week free isn’t just a small change to your schedule. And I totally get the desire to spend time with your son. But perhaps there is some middle ground where you can plan the next 2 months out, specifically scheduling two extra weekends that are cleared for “you time”. Change doesn’t happen unless we specifically work towards that. Plus you have friends and your mom who would love to help out. Sometimes the hardest thing is to let people do that!!

        And yeah, our date nights are phenomenal for both of us. But I don’t want you thinking it was always like that. To be honest, it started almost a year ago. However, the first few months we would go out and discuss how we were going to divorce, split up assets, the reality of what it would look like being divorced etc. Date nights weren’t exactly “fun” to start out with. But over time, that changed. We eventually started enjoying each other again. Didn’t happen over night, but bit by bit, we both changed for the better. Now if we miss a date night, I feel crabby and bummed out. It’s on those moments that I realize just how far we have come.

  3. I realize it is all hormonal, but I hate that my drive is so much higher during my period. Like I’m not already feeling yucky enough, right? Ugh.

    I am glad you are coming to some clearer realizations of the different situations around you right now.

  4. Those damn mid term periods are the worst. It’s like your body is plotting against you. My doctor won’t freaking sterilize me yet so I’m going to try an IUD and hope that the constant but very low dose of hormones directly in the uterus will be less likely to cause mystery periods and all of the unpleasantness associated with them!

  5. “I adore my son, but I really enjoyed having every other week free for the first year. A big goal of mine post-split was reestablishing friendships I had let go. I am really resenting that I can’t do it anymore.” Hmmm?

  6. Ann, this post leads me to think that your head is really getting some much needed clarity and it warms my heart!

    As I was reading this and got to the part about your social life and time for your friends, I starting to say, “Yes!! This is ME!” I had to ground myself a little and recognize that we lead two different lives. My marriage comes first and Will is my best friend. One example of that is how he nearly demanded that I take the time to go have a night out (which I did last night), something that he NEVER does, btw. He took care of everything last night with the kids – dinner, running them around for their activities, etc. (after a few hours of listening to my friends complaining about their husbands, I had to leave). I realized in reading your comment about the lack of free time, I had to check myself. I really don’t have any, either.

    You said, “I still want to fuck like a rabbit pretty much all the time.” I get this. I am starting to realize that my body is beginning to change (I am sensing that I am pre-menopause) and my libido is going through the roof. Will has an insatiable appetite, so he is benefiting greatly.But the difference in me is that I am driven to initiate now where he has been the driver in the past. I couldn’t imagine having to find and coordinate candidates to meet this need. I simply have to make a move and Will is ready. πŸ˜‰

    It is interesting how I can see parallels in your posts and in my life, yet we are so different.

    One thought occurred to me, Ann. If you aren’t actively dating and the stress that surrounds that is gone, you might just connect with someone casually (not necessarily for the sole purpose of sex) who is the guy you have been waiting for – more of a natural connection rather than forced because you are in a “dating mindset.”

  7. So many things happened in your life and it is good to chill and take things slowly. It is good that you’re dating other people and keeping your options open.
    And I hear you on the bleeding part. Why do women have to go through this every month?

  8. Sometimes you just need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and then shuffle the deck as best you can. I’m not saying that being “needy” is a bad thing – it depends on the need and while being able to fuck someone just because you can is nice, one also needs someone who want to be with them… and if they can fuck your brains out, that’s gravy.

    Rebuilding your life is never fun and is often quite hectic… so breathe.

    As far as period sex goes, that’s why someone invented soap. Yeah, it can get messy… but that’s why you go get some inexpensive towels and keep them on hand just for those moments.

    • You have inspired me to go get some towels – probably red ones – just for cleaning up sex related stuff. My towels are all white and that just doesn’t work πŸ™‚

      I realize through all this that it’s been so long since I’ve dated normally – or perhaps I never ever really did – that I just don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like. But I’m not feeling the overwhelming “want to be with me part”…but perhaps he thinks he’s showing it. A good conversation, to be sure.

      Thank you πŸ™‚

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