A few of you have asked (gently) why I’m so needy and obsessive about this Andrew dude.
It’s a good question, definitely. I haven’t lost my edge; haven’t suddenly become incapable of casual sex. I still want to fuck like a rabbit pretty much all the time.
A few things are going on. If you’ve been with me for the last couple of months you know I am now a single parent. I had surgery which messes with my hormones. I also experienced a spectacular and kinda public breakup, with significant anger directed my way, which has left me grieving the loss on several levels.
One of the biggest problems I have today however is my lack of free time. I adore my son, but I really enjoyed having every other week free for the first year. A big goal of mine post-split was reestablishing friendships I had let go. I am really resenting that I can’t do it anymore.
I let my frustration get the better of me. In the last month I didn’t fill my social pipeline as I usually would. So that left me with a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The other impact to my lessened personal time is my lessened willingness to spend the little free time I have trying to date new men. All you have to do is read about my dating experiences to know that finding the right person for me has been elusive. It takes time and emotional energy to date – and I don’t have the latter either. All these changes in my life have left me vulnerable. I recognize I’m not in a great place to date.
I wasn’t looking for a new partner – either for casual sex or a relationship. Finding Andrew was a surprise. And although I didn’t write about it explicitly, after our first couple of encounters we’ve talked almost every day. So he’s not an unknown entity to me.
At the time I met him, I wasn’t seeking out others because I was tired of doing so. I also wanted to give myself some time after Johnny. But of course it would have been nice to have just one person to fulfil my sexual and companionship needs – especially someone who understood my limited time. I need to plan in advance, have someone willing to come by my place after my son has gone to sleep, and who can fuck like a madman.
It seemed that Andrew could be that person. BUT in thinking this, I stopped looking around and keeping my options open. It was an easy thing to do – the path of least resistance.
So you have a perfect storm. Already vulnerable from recent experiences, isolated from friends, with high expectations.
I’ve taken my chill pill now.
He called me last night and asked if he could come over for a glass of wine. We sat on my couch and chatted and kissed and fondled a little until I told him I wanted to take him upstairs. Except with the caveat that my body has decided to have a mid-term period (in solidarity with my US friends perhaps). He laughed and said he liked that we could be so open about those things and of course it didn’t bother him.
But we didn’t fuck. We got naked and kissed and he wrapped himself around me and proceeded to fall asleep…saying he was sorry and he would make it up to me.
I realised in that moment, laying there
sexually frustrated, that he values that much more – the companionship and the dialogue – than he does the sex. The irony of course is that he’s not using me for sex, and he’s being cautious and careful to not move too fast. And while my head knows it’s the right thing, I’m also not used to it.
So, I’m chilled. As he left I asked him if I would see him before our next Friday night date (threesome night at Ann’s!!) and he said “of course!”
But to ensure I don’t put all my proverbial eggs in one basket, I had also reached out to the Comedian and the Lawyer earlier this week. The latter and I were going to see each other one night this week, but the timing wasn’t right the evening he was free. The Comedian is mopey and busy, but we are trying to find a time.
I almost even contemplated taking P / Shenanigans up on his infrequent but regular asks to get together (he’s a perfect candidate for casual sex since he’s such an asshole) but I decided against it.
And then there was one other guy – who I have only ever mentioned in passing in one post. He is in the car business and although I hadn’t heard from him in a long time, yesterday I reached out to him to ask whether he could recommend a body shop for my car – which was damaged way back in June. He said he was glad I reached out as he has lost all the data on his phone (could be true…I don’t really care).
So now I have a late night post girls-night-out date with him tonight. At my place 😉
Now if my body would just stop its damn bleeding, that would be perfect.