I was feeling pretty good mentally yesterday about Andrew and me. I was all chill about taking things one day at a time. I know it’s good for me to pace myself in relationships, since I don’t have a lot of experience doing so.
Yesterday, given our conversation about gang bangs and subspace and the like, I decided to join FetLife. I figured it was a good way for me to do some research and get to know more about the “scene” in my city. The terms Andrew uses are vaguely familiar to me, but I want to know more.
I joined some groups, uploaded a pic (partial face and shoulder, showing Andrew’s bite marks from the first time we were together), added a little bit of info. Today I explored some more. I knew Andrew was on the site (he told me he was, but that he wasn’t that active, but that he gets notices from the groups he’s in – some which are funny) and so I searched for a group that I thought he might be a member of.
There he was.
And since seeing him, I’ve been down the overthinking rabbit hole, thanks to my curiosity.
First of all, he’s befriended two new women within the last 10 days (one just 4 days ago). Of course I don’t know if he’s just the type to be nice and accept friend requests, or if he sought them out. 18 days ago, when I was on vacation, he joined a group for submissive women seeking dominant men.
This of course reminded me of something he said to me – that it was odd for him when I was away, and he felt he had to reconnect with me when I returned. Which of course, I have now translated into meaning although we skyped almost every single day, he wasn’t connected to me when I was away and obviously didn’t miss me.
Now, other than that, he hasn’t been all that active publicly on the site (you don’t see messaging activity, obviously). So it’s not that I doubt everything he has told me.
Of course then I looked through his friend list, and found only one 30-year-old female – the characteristics of Tina, his FWB.
Then I noticed that “Tina” (yes, I know this is a BIG assumption) was also friends with someone whose handle sounded very familiar. Guess Who? It was Jason.
I had asked Jason a while back who he and Andrew had “played” with together before, and he told me it was a friend of Andrew’s who was curious. So now I’m convinced that Tina is one and the same – because Jason only has 2 friends on FetLife and she’s one of them?
I’m not even sure if it bothers me that Andrew’s FWB may be the other woman that shared him and Jason, but it’s rattling around in my head. I mean, is it possible they have done it again?
Then I looked at Andrew’s group list. It’s overwhelming, to be honest. I don’t judge, but it’s stuff that is so far beyond even what I would do…I don’t know what to make of it. I know he is kinky and curious and very experienced, but this makes me feel, well, small and insignificant.
It occurs to me that I know very little. And that even with all I have to offer a man, perhaps this man needs more. I’m simultaneously freaked out that I’m not BBW or kinky enough.
I know I am being fucking ridiculous, honestly. I do know he is looking for a relationship. He has told me he doesn’t want to be in an open relationship, but potentially could swing every once in a while.
But still, I find myself wondering if he is still seeking out others. It’s one thing for me if he has me, and his FWB on the side, and that’s it. It’s something else entirely if he is active on sites and seeking other partners. Because for me it’s a sign that he’s just not that into me.
On my end, I did reopen by OKCupid profile. Johnny is still in my list of matches, which is rather awkward. But I’m actually glad to see he was active there. The emails have been coming in, and I played the tinder-like matching game, but I stare at the emails and haven’t responded to any.
Actually, that’s not true. I said thank you to a handsome man who said I was beautiful. But I suspect he’s a catfish and so my brief conversation with him was not representative of a real effort on my part.
I really just don’t want to engage anyone new. I feel bad opening up the profile and then ignoring everyone, but I know I don’t have the time and energy. Frankly, if Andrew is still pursuing new people, then I will as well… but I will be very picky if only because I don’t have the time.
So this is what happens to my head sometimes.
I’ve been debating all afternoon whether to ask him. It doesn’t help that I haven’t heard anything from him all day. So I sent a “how is your day going” text message. His response, an hour later? “I’m in a mood. Just gonna flake out for a bit. Will call you tomorrow.”
So I said “sorry to hear. Anything I can do?” and he said “No thanks…I’ll be fine”.
He didn’t ask me how I’m feeling (shitty).
We have no immediate plans to see each other before the swingers night (which I assume he’s put in his calendar). It’s usually hit-and-miss anyway for him because of work. But it leaves me unsettled. He has his son next weekend so he can’t come to a party I’m having this Friday.
Well, my dear readers…what do you think?