It’s unusual for me to stare at this WordPress page and not know where to begin. But I don’t.
I’m exhausted after having two intense and unpleasant conversations with fellow bloggers this evening. I have to be up early for work, and I have no time or energy now to sit with a glass of wine and write at length about what has transpired – what I have been told and what I think about it.
I was told tonight that I’ve hurt many people via my blog and my comments. Frankly, any number other than zero is unacceptable, so the definition of “many” is irrelevant. I was also told I was a fraud.
So I need to say this:
I am not infallible. Nor do I think I am.
I am no expert in love, or relationships, or marriage. If I was, I would still be married. Or at least happily coupled. What I do have is some statistically significant experience, and a desire to hopefully help others avoid similar pain. If I have commented on your blog and left you with the impression I think I’m better, or unsympathetic to your situation? Please know that is not the case, and I am sorry.
I don’t consider myself to be the arbiter of blogs, writers, or what anyone chooses to write. I have opinions, often strong ones, and on occasion I write about them. To those of you I hurt by writing about those opinions, I am truly sorry.
I was told this evening that my words have power and meaning – and I don’t always remember that. At times I am quick and careless. I forget that you can’t hear my intonation as I write, and you can’t know my motivation for saying what I do. You don’t know when it’s in jest, or sarcasm, or a (failed) attempt at wit. So the short form of comments doesn’t do me any favours, when I am already strong-opinioned and forthright and often forge ahead without thinking.
Last but not least, I make mistakes. Some are really big ones.
But the last thing I want to say is about honesty. Being called a fraud hurt me very deeply.
I want to make sure I set the record straight.
A couple of months ago I wrote about lying on blogs. Some readers loved it and some were hurt by it. While inspired by several things I had witnessed over time, it was also about me. So I made sure in the post to say that I also engage in those various forms of deceit.
I’ve written 310 posts on this blog, a total of maybe 300,000 words. There are a couple of things on my blog that are outright lies. That’s still at least 99% true (297,000 words, if you are doing the math).
There are also some things I have yet to share. I have my reasons, but I promise you it does not call into question the premise of who I am or what I choose to write about. In other words, I’m not holding back that I’m actually a man, or this is all fiction, or that I’m 20, or anything like that. Being true to myself and my blog is very important to me. I think of this as an online journal, with the bonus of a very supportive and engaging chorus.
But there are things that can take a while to process and to write. Sometimes because the truth is exceedingly hard to face. I’m getting there.
I hope you will stick with me, in all my flawed glory (BTW, “glory” was sarcasm). Some have chosen to leave, and that makes me sad – especially if it was because of how I made them feel. But I will continue to be imperfect and make mistakes – plenty. I guess the one thing you can count on is at some point, I will likely write about them.