I’m sitting in my vacation spot, outdoors, where it’s a bit chilly. I’m warming myself by a firepit. Listening to what I’m sure is a wedding party, and debating how uncouth it would be to crash. I’m also not wearing a bra, but am sporting a white shirt and realize that I’m a bit nipply.
As I think about what to write, there are many things going through my head right now.
The first (not foremost) is that my masturbation is getting naughtier. I find myself on occasion DP’ing myself. Is that odd?
Sheesh. Okay, here I am asking the internet if DP masturbation is weird. I guarantee that for every kink or idiosyncrasy, there is a community here.
The second is that I’m alone, for eight nights. When I went on vacation by myself back in January, it was for four nights. So I’ve doubled it. I happen to be in a land of couples. No party crowd here. Last night it worried me a bit, but today I’m feeling better.
I spent the entire day by the ocean. I had my e-reader and my iPhone for music. In a bathing suit, armed with sunscreen, baseball cap, some snacks, water bottle, and a sarong, I was set. It was bliss, actually.
I was alone most of the day but met three guys while swimming. They were in their late twenties and we chatted in and out of the water for a couple of hours. It was fun. While I TOTALLY would have fucked the cute one with the interesting tattoos (with a military history – like a few of the other men who have graced these pages), it was just nice to chat.
The third is that last night while masturbating, for the first time ever, I thought about a woman.
I’m not going to read too much into this, but it surprised me. I’m tentatively open to being in a threesome with another woman, but I can’t see myself being a giver. Perhaps I could be a receiver. But there are so few women I’m attracted to.
This is a women I know, and I will be seeing her soon. So I’m a bit weirded out about this. For now, I’m going to chalk it up to horny creativity. But we’ll see.
(and by the way, although Andrew is creative and flexible, his preferred threesomes are two men and one woman. So I’m super good with that).
The last, but definitely not least, is about Johnny. It was his birthday recently and I debated whether to send him an email to wish him a happy birthday. I was conflicted because to be perfectly honest, I didn’t want him to think I’m more of an asshole game-player than he seems to already. And I feared if I didn’t reach out, he would be even more hurt.
A post of his alluded to the fact he’d found a woman to spend time with and that his birthday plans were looking promising. I thought this was a good sign that he was healing. I hadn’t communicated with him since I wrote the post about some of the irrational things that went through my head when I read his writing. It’s been a few weeks.
I decided to send him an email – it was short and said simply that I wanted to wish him a happy birthday. I didn’t think I would hear back at all and I was okay with that.
Well, I did hear back, and it was unfortunate. I promised him I wouldn’t quote him, so I won’t. I have no intention of speaking for him or trying to ascribe motives. This blog is about me, not him. But suffice it to say, I caused him pain. It wasn’t my intention. He’s angry and hurt, as I was supposed to be with him on his birthday.
I made the decision not because I don’t care about him, but because I do. I knew that things would be great and fun and intense between us. It would make things all the more painful to then continue on the current path. We had already come to the conclusion that the timing was wrong for us.
So by reaching out, I ended up hurting him again. It was the last thing I wanted to do. It makes me sad; there is nothing I can do to make it better. It is an odd place to be to not regret the decision, as I know it was the right thing for me, but to very much regret the impact.
I have to come to terms with the fact that it’s unlikely I will ever talk to him again. That there is nil chance of there ever being something between us again. That history is being rewritten and I have to just suck it up.
Now, you can guess which of these four things is prominent in my brain right now. I’d love to say it’s not the last, but I try not to lie in my journal.