If you follow Maurnas’ amazingly funny blog, Cursitivity, you may have read that we met this past week. She and I happened to be in the same location, so I suggested we hang out.
She wrote about it, as we bloggers do – and you can read about her story of bathroom failures, expecting me to be like a glamorous 1960s movie star, treating her like a sugar momma, and non-stop chatter.
We had a lot of fun together.
It didn’t occur to me to be concerned she could be a catfish or a murderer. However she worried about such things with me. So, if any of you out there harbored any doubt, it’s now put to rest. Although I suppose if I was really nefarious I could have gotten her WordPress login before killing her, then…
Oh, never mind.
I was flattered that someone thought me capable of such a “long con”. But that’s beside the point. Maurnas and I had a GREAT time together. We talked, non-stop, for 12 hours. We had lunch together and visited injured sea animals and sat in the living room of my condo and told stories.
She is just as funny and honest in real life as she is on her blog. She is taller than me, which is really cool since I never literally look up to a woman. And I don’t think she knows it, but she’s super sexy. She may deny her appeal, but I will tell you this – I have rarely ever found myself willing to kiss a woman. Ever. I can appreciate beauty and all that, but this was different.
So, there. Some of you who pay attention to the details in my posts may have now figured out a vague reference I put in a post in the last week. Yup, that’s the one.
Lest you think this story ends in some hot girl-on-girl action, I should clarify that it did not.
Moving right along…
She told me some really funny sex stories and I encouraged her to write about them – offering to put them up on my blog since she wasn’t sure her readers would appreciate them. So, below is what she sent. Personally, I’d like to read more: what about you?
Possibly against my better judgement, Ann St. Vincent has convinced me to write a sex story. I don’t normally talk about my sex life, but she thought this story was too funny/interesting to not share. This is all her fault for good or evil.
For my 21st birthday my brother bought me a joke birthday present. It was a ten inch black dildo. I found a picture of it.
I kept thinking it was called the Sidewinder, but it was actually called the Bender. Neither is particularly attractive. But I guess it doesn’t matter because anything that reminds me of my brother isn’t going anywhere even remotely near my vagina.
So I did what anyone would do and hung it on my wall as a conversation piece. Which I can tell you guys, it was a definite conversation starter.
A few months later, I started dating a skinny white artist from England. He was a pretty sexy guy, and I can’t resist an accent. But he was also a verbally abusive alcoholic. Six months after I dumped him I was still finding beer hidden all over my apartment. In places like behind my TV and in the bathroom cabinets.
This guy was very adventurous in the bedroom. Even by my standards. He was also very into some… unusual porn. But I am not one to judge and I think people should like what they like. As long as it isn’t immoral.
One day, after a few weeks of dating, we were making out and getting ready to have sex. He looked at the dildo hanging on my wall.
“Will you fuck me with that?”
I looked at him and then at the dildo. “What do you mean?”
“Will you put that in my ass?” He was completely straight faced and presumably serious.
I looked back at the dildo. It was intimidatingly large to me. I wouldn’t want it anywhere near me, even without the incestuous connotations.
But again, I kind of did some mental sex calculations in my head. And I internally shrugged. It certainly didn’t hurt me to put a dildo up my boyfriend’s ass. “Yeah, sure. Why not?”
We took it out of it’s packaging. I had never even taken it out of it’s clamshell casing. Which, in the context of this story, is kind of a gross name.
I hesitated. “Are you sure you can handle this?”
He was very nonchalant about the whole thing. “Oh yeah. Definitely.”
Now, I had never had anal sex, but I had heard it was very important to be gentle and slow or you could really hurt someone. I had never played with sex toys before. He was only the third or fourth person I’d slept with. And I also didn’t own any lube.
He spit on the giant thing and I laughingly slapped him in the face with it. Which was very fun. I get it, guys.
And then I carefully began inserting it. I was very concerned about his pain and kept asking “Is this okay?” And “Am I hurting you?”
After a few minutes of my gentle anal love making, he reached back himself and slapped my hand away. He started using it on himself very roughly.
I was taken aback. I hadn’t seen much porn at this point in my life, and hadn’t really realized what the human body was capable of. He was really going to town on himself.
It only took a few minutes for him to finish. I sat there in kind of stunned silence for a minute. I didn’t really know what to say. I mean, what do you say? I, of course said something awkward. Like, “So, I guess you like anal?” Because I am a smooth operator.
He laughed and handed me the soiled dildo. I got up and went into the bathroom to get it fully washed off. I had no experience with this kind of thing and didn’t quite know what I was supposed to do.
I practically ran into the bathroom, happy to have a few moments of solitude to process what had just happened. A few seconds later the door opened behind me and he burst in and sat down on the toilet. I thought he was just sitting there watching me clean the dildo. I was avoiding eye contact, still unsure of what to say.
Suddenly, he began yelling at me. “Will you get out of here, I’m trying to take a shit!”
I dropped the dildo in shock. It bounced on the ground in a way that is indescribable, like JELLO in a sausage casing.
“What?! I was in here first! You came in after me! You could have said something…”
I rushed out of the room and back into the bedroom. I sat down on the edge of the bed, shell shocked. It was a lot of new experiences to have in one day.
Since then, I have had much more experience with pegging. And people going to the bathroom in front of me. Not much can shock me anymore.