Meeting a blogger and convincing her to pop her sex post cherry

If you follow Maurnas’ amazingly funny blog, Cursitivity, you may have read that we met this past week. She and I happened to be in the same location, so I suggested we hang out.

She wrote about it, as we bloggers do – and you can read about her story of bathroom failures, expecting me to be like a glamorous 1960s movie star, treating her like a sugar momma, and non-stop chatter

We had a lot of fun together.

It didn’t occur to me to be concerned she could be a catfish or a murderer. However she worried about such things with me. So, if any of you out there harbored any doubt, it’s now put to rest.  Although I suppose if I was really nefarious I could have gotten her WordPress login before killing her, then…

Oh, never mind.

I was flattered that someone thought me capable of such a “long con”. But that’s beside the point. Maurnas and I had a GREAT time together. We talked, non-stop, for 12 hours. We had lunch together and visited injured sea animals and sat in the living room of my condo and told stories.

She is just as funny and honest in real life as she is on her blog. She is taller than me, which is really cool since I never literally look up to a woman. And I don’t think she knows it, but she’s super sexy. She may deny her appeal, but I will tell you this – I have rarely ever found myself willing to kiss a woman. Ever. I can appreciate beauty and all that, but this was different.

So, there. Some of you who pay attention to the details in my posts may have now figured out a vague reference I put in a post in the last week. Yup, that’s the one.

Lest you think this story ends in some hot girl-on-girl action, I should clarify that it did not.

Moving right along…

She told me some really funny sex stories and I encouraged her to write about them – offering to put them up on my blog since she wasn’t sure her readers would appreciate them. So, below is what she sent. Personally, I’d like to read more: what about you?


Possibly against my better judgement, Ann St. Vincent has convinced me to write a sex story. I don’t normally talk about my sex life, but she thought this story was too funny/interesting to not share. This is all her fault for good or evil.

Here goes:

For my 21st birthday my brother bought me a joke birthday present. It was a ten inch black dildo. I found a picture of it.

dildo
I kept thinking it was called the Sidewinder, but it was actually called the Bender. Neither is particularly attractive. But I guess it doesn’t matter because anything that reminds me of my brother isn’t going anywhere even remotely near my vagina.

So I did what anyone would do and hung it on my wall as a conversation piece. Which I can tell you guys, it was a definite conversation starter.

A few months later, I started dating a skinny white artist from England. He was a pretty sexy guy, and I can’t resist an accent. But he was also a verbally abusive alcoholic. Six months after I dumped him I was still finding beer hidden all over my apartment. In places like behind my TV and in the bathroom cabinets.

This guy was very adventurous in the bedroom. Even by my standards. He was also very into  some… unusual porn. But I am not one to judge and I think people should like what they like. As long as it isn’t immoral.

One day, after a few weeks of dating, we were making out and getting ready to have sex. He looked at the dildo hanging on my wall.

“Will you fuck me with that?”

I looked at him and then at the dildo. “What do you mean?”

“Will you put that in my ass?” He was completely straight faced and presumably serious.

I looked back at the dildo. It was intimidatingly large to me. I wouldn’t want it anywhere near me, even without the incestuous connotations.

But again, I kind of did some mental sex calculations in my head. And I internally shrugged. It certainly didn’t hurt me to put a dildo up my boyfriend’s ass.  “Yeah, sure. Why not?”

We took it out of it’s packaging. I had never even taken it out of it’s clamshell casing. Which, in the context of this story, is kind of a gross name.

I hesitated. “Are you sure you can handle this?”

He was very nonchalant about the whole thing. “Oh yeah. Definitely.”

Now, I had never had anal sex, but I had heard it was very important to be gentle and slow or you could really hurt someone. I had never played with sex toys before. He was only the third or fourth person I’d slept with. And I also didn’t own any lube.

He spit on the giant thing and I laughingly slapped him in the face with it. Which was very fun. I get it, guys.

And then I carefully began inserting it. I was very concerned about his pain and kept asking “Is this okay?” And “Am I hurting you?”

After a few minutes of my gentle anal love making, he reached back himself and slapped my hand away. He started using it on himself very roughly.

I was taken aback. I hadn’t seen much porn at this point in my life, and hadn’t really realized what the human body was capable of. He was really going to town on himself.

It only took a few minutes for him to finish. I sat there in kind of stunned silence for a minute. I didn’t really know what to say. I mean, what do you say? I, of course said something awkward. Like, “So, I guess you like anal?” Because I am a smooth operator.

He laughed and handed me the soiled dildo. I got up and went into the bathroom to get it fully washed off. I had no experience with this kind of thing and didn’t quite know what I was supposed to do.

I practically ran into the bathroom, happy to have a few moments of solitude to process what had just happened. A few seconds later the door opened behind me and he burst in and sat down on the toilet. I thought he was just sitting there watching me clean the dildo. I was avoiding eye contact, still unsure of what to say.

Suddenly, he began yelling at me. “Will you get out of here, I’m trying to take a shit!”

I dropped the dildo in shock. It bounced on the ground in a way that is indescribable, like JELLO in a sausage casing.

“What?! I was in here first! You came in after me! You could have said something…”

I rushed out of the room and back into the bedroom. I sat down on the edge of the bed, shell shocked. It was a lot of new experiences to have in one day.

Since then, I have had much more experience with pegging. And people going to the bathroom in front of me. Not much can shock me anymore.


 

 

0 thoughts on “Meeting a blogger and convincing her to pop her sex post cherry

  1. Pingback: Sex Story | Cursitivity

    • I did not. I cant remember what happened to it. I know I kept it around for a few years and threatened to use it on other men. I really think there should be some kind of sex toy refurbishing company. Those things are so expensive. And poor people need orgasms too.

  2. How vain am I? Liking my own story. Haha. And I will vehemently deny my sex appeal even while actively having sex with someone. I’m sure it’s super attractive and not at all distracting. Thank you for doing this!

  3. I love this for so many reasons. First it’s hilarious. Second it has a picture of a turtle, for no apparent reason. Third it’s hilarious. Fourth it has never occurred to me that you might be a mass murderer, but catfish had crossed my mind. It would appear I can now lay that one to rest. Such a relief.

    I loved this and thank you Ann, for posting it. It has put a smile on my face at a time that I could use one.

      • You know the saying “Think before you post?” I wrote, posted, then realized that of course the injured sea animals had been up there at the beginning of your post. UNPOST!! UNPOST!! UNPOST!! So I accept your ridicule. I haven’t been relaxing on a beach (like some people) so I will launch the “fatigue” caveat and throw myself at the mercy of the court.

        And the catfish?… there was an embarassing post about a whisker, if I remember correctly. So… it’s not a stretch. Catfish can be very charming when they put their minds to it. As I said… I’m glad to be able to put that one to rest.

  4. So you’re not a catfish? Well that is disappointing. 😉

    Maurnas I am so glad you went against your better judgement, because this was the shit! 🙂

      • That is not the person I had imagined you to be like… there is someone but I have not been able to place them yet. Of course you will be the first to know when lightning strikes. 🙂

        and YES, Absolutely!!!! More, More, More!!!

          • Yes, I wouldn’t mind that comparison either. I always get “oh you’re so cute…” *rolls eyes*

            I’ll have to go back and read Marian’s post, see if that helps me. lol

          • ‘Tis,

            You ARE cute, but you are GORGEOUS, too!

            I will admit that Ann’s personna intimidates the hell out of me and yes, I agree with the Mrs. Robinson sophistication aspect that she exudes in her posts. I am just a humble woman, a veritable child when I compare (yes I do compare and I know that it is unfair to everyone, especially me) my enjoyable yet average life to the wild and amazing life that Ann (appears) to lead. 😉

            I am a simple girl living a modest life with the only man I have ever slept with and I love it!! I am a wife and a mom and though I try to keep things prioritized properly, it seems that I am living more for my kids at present. Of all the posts that Ann has shared, the one’s that talk about her get away (on her own) has made me realize that it has been decades since I did that and leaves me feeling a little saddened and very envious (in a good way).

            The sun is shining this morning (it is cold) and I did get some time away from my life with a nice long run! Such is my life. 😉

          • Intimidate?! Please say it ain’t so…

            You absolutely shouldn’t compare. While I have learned a lot in this past year, I miss the comfort and companionship of a spouse.

            But agreed, you should carve out some time for yourself. Unfortunately my week in the sun has come to an end.

          • Sorry, Ann. It is true. You are a special woman and I admire much about you. I do find myself having to be reminded of how good my life truly is. Comparisons are so foolish. Our email conversations reinforce how I feel about you (aside from feeling intimidated). But if the day should ever come when we get to meet, I can’t help but feel that I simply don’t measure up. 🙂

            Shit…maybe I do just need to get away for a few days. 😀

          • You have no idea how much I resisted him putting that out for everyone to see.

            Quantity versus experience. You have much more interesting experiences than I could imagine having…well…I think that I can imagine quite a lot. 😀

          • and you are WAY to generous with your compliments but in an effort not to self-deprecate (not on my phone this time, hehe) I will say thank you and leave it at that. 🙂

            I second what Ann replied to you about the rest of your comment here. No comparing, EVER!!!!

            Maybe it’s time you took that trip you’ve been thinking about. I don’t get away by myself nearly as much as I would like (as in never) but I do think and know it’s very important for people to do so.

          • I know, I know. I can’t help comparing. I think we all do this, though.

            I am NOT being generous. I have seen enough of you to confidently say that YOU GOT IT GOING ON, girl!

          • LOL, no, no, no… my phone auto corrected me using self-deprecating to self-defecating in a comment once. Although for this post, maybe I should have used it. haha

          • My recent favorite – which I *think* I wrote about, was a guy I met at a famous outdoor bar in Central Park…I though for SURE he was going to ask me for dinner, after we talked for hours. But alas, he finked out. Which was just as well because I was “closed” at the time with Johnny…so good to not have the temptation.

          • I once had my neighbor on a flight offer me his banana as he held it in an erect position in his crotch. The dude looked like George Lucas. lol

            Then there was the Isabella Rossellini look alike who couldn’t stop twirling my hair and flirting with me. Damn, now that was good flight. 🙂

          • I didn’t think my co-worker who was seated on the other side of me was ever going to pick their jaw up off the floor. This woman was quite forward and of course me, being me I played right along. lol

          • I don’t know if this will work, I’m trying to reply to ‘Tis’ self-defecating comment…
            I’m sure the neighbours could here me laugh! Thank you ‘Tis!

          • Yes, it worked! I figured out something new on WP!! Yay!
            After 2 months, better late than never, right?

            And thank you again ‘Tis! I can see why you would laugh lke crazy! 😀
            XO

          • Though it didn’t work quite as well when I tried to tell Ann that people would think they were the crazy ones for not being part of the fun. One day I WILL figure it out! 😉

          • yes, but they were not associated with the one you made… they came after some other thread with ‘Tis… Oh well! Who cares! I’m having a laugh, you’re having a laugh, they’re having a laugh (possibly at you if we talk about the people at the ariprort bar 😉 ). The whole world is laughing, everything is GREAT! 😀

          • I’ve self defecated. Perhaps I should create a blog thingy. I’m having a total word cramp. You know, those little images for awards and such. I want to create one for women who have shit during sex. Too much??

          • Lol! It’ll come back to you! Words escape me all the time. That’s the beauty of being bilingual in my case (at least I prefer to think that way than to admit it’s old age 😉 ).

          • Well, I suppose that’s expected, given my blog content.

            I’ve had a run of seeing “DP” everywhere. Or other pseudo-inappropriate things. Like someone who works for me sending me a spreadsheet that had “CUM TOTAL” in one column. I was giggling like crazy.

          • Ohhhh, I have this happen to me every single day at work. My industry is… hmmm, how do I put this? Well there is not a single thing about it that isn’t phallic. 😉

          • It’s funny. I try really hard to not be intimidating in real life, but until someone gets to know me, I hear I can come across that way.

            The day I left for my vacation, a coworker who is also a very close friend, commented as such. Another coworker mentioned to my friend that she found me intimidating, and my friend said she had to stifle a laugh because she knows me so well.

            I mean…how can someone be intimidated by someone who has literally shit during sex??

          • OMG! You HAD to inject THAT into this. I just fell out of my chair! Ok, so whenever I start to feel intimidated by you, I’ll just remind myself of that little episode. 😮

          • Savannah, I relate totally with giving your life away for your children. I’m sad to say that after I left the marital home, this was part of the biggest relief I felt. I love my children and I miss them dearly when they’re not with me, but having simply time to exhale and be me and not have to worry about everyone else’s schedules all the time, it was a real relief. Having some time off is a must, if only so that you can recharge batteries and give again to your loved ones. Unfortunately, t doesn’t always work that way. I was away from family, so no support even for a weekend away. And I had no help from home either, being the only one responsible for all drop offs, pick ups, hobbies, parties you name it. But that work wasn’t recognised. It’s not recognised by society, and for me it wasn’t recognised by their father. 18 years of this… it wore me out.
            I hope you get your weekend away soon, with or without Will. If I were nearer, I’d offer to look after your children, but I’m afraid the ocean is a bit too wide!

          • Dawn, I LOVE your heart!

            Now I am really thinking that Ann just needs to arrange for all of us ladies to get together! I have almost been doing this as long as you, but I have to admit that Will has been an amazing husband and father and takes the kids away from me to let me have time to myself whenever I want and I get to do this a lot. I have traveled weekends away (local getaways), but with girlfriends. I can’t imagine what it would be like to not have that from him. Sadly, he refuses to do the same for himself, but after all of his business travel, getting onto a plane or into a hotel is the last thing that he wants to do by himself. I try not to take advantage of him, but I enjoy it when I do!

            You are so sweet to offer to take my kids!

          • I know the traveling husband’s bane on going into yet another plane and sleeping in yet another hotel all too well. I had to fight with my ex to get a three day weekend once, when I got my mom to come over. I realise now the real problem was that being with me alone bore no interest to him. I even ha found a way to exchange kids with friends, so that we had a quiet night at home without the kids. His reaction? What for? The man had NO imagination, and no love either!
            As for Will, I do understand why it wouldn’t be any fun for him to go by himself. Since his sleeping pattern is pretty unconventional, I bet it is also quite reassuring to spend his nights in the comfort of his own home. I would love to meet up with all of you ladies. I need a holiday. But there is none in sight for now. No money for one either. Ah well, things will perk up one day 🙂
            I’m glad you are able to enjoy the time your husband affords you. It was never an option for me. Even time away to go to my grandfather’s funeral was used to make me feel like I wasn’t enough. Time away? I wished!
            So yes, now, even though I miss my kids, I also enjoy not having the responsibility for feeding them, taking them places and so on…

          • I completely understand, Dawn. Will loves to travel with me so that makes me reluctant to go to a tropical or warm climate without him. For him, I think that he just doesn’t like going places without me and he loves being home.

            Yes, a trip with all the girls here would be fun!

          • He is very understanding (you have great powers of perception, Ann). I think the challenge resides within me.

          • I can’t quite put my finger on it. Yes I am, but I want the time with friends or with Will. If I didn’t have to choose, it would be simple.

          • Aw, come on Willy, don’t dispair! No one’s ever called me tall dark or handsome… Oh, wait, that may be a good thing 😉
            I’m sure I get positive commentary, but it usually doesn’t register with me, I have such a bad self image!

          • Oh, you know, I KNOW that the people who tell me nice things mean them. It’s just I have a hard time accepting those words as truth. Years of not liking oneself, of thinking I wasn’t enough… you know, the usual shit!

          • I know you do… If you want to send me a picture of your backside, I’m sure I would concur with all the men who tell you it’s beautiful! Sigh… But look at Mr Brown… it’s not just us women who have those insecurities 🙂
            (Now, why that makes me feel better, I have no idea!).

          • I don’t know about your mind. Mine talks in non-sense pretty often. At least that’s how it’s learnt to cope. I must be an awful person, toehrwise my parents would show me their love. I must be too fat, otherwise my husband would desire me… there are so many more examples of the non-sense that is going on in my head on a regular basis, I’ll spare you the details.
            If I don’t believe it’s non-sense, then I’m doomed, I might as well go get the hooks and put them back up again in the beams in my bedroom!
            It doesn’t mean that I don’t acknowledge that those thoughts are going on in my head. It just means that I am now able to see, most days, that if anyone else was talking to me like that I would tell them to get lost. I owe it to myself to tell my dark voices the same thing.
            Not sure I make much sense, what I’m trying to say is: I’m not denying you think those thoughts. I’m just stating my doubt as to their validity. 🙂

        • OMG! I stepped away from this thread for a while and I see where things went. ‘Tis, you and I are self depricators..Ann, well…defecation? Yeah, I’ll leave that one alone.

          Ann, I will try to genuinely explain why I feel intimidated by you, but I wouldn’t rather do that in an email. Cute? You are cute too, but since we haven’t felt comfortable with each other enough to share/exchange pics, I’ll just say that you possess cuteness in your communication style.

          ‘Tis, you are beautiful, cute and very sexy in every aspect that I can think of at the moment (based solely on what I know about you)…and as Ann said, you have an amazing ass! 😉

          I realize that one day, should we meet, much of what I already feel about you both will be confirmed while so much more will be revealed and I will be blown away all over again! 😀

          I love you both and getting to know you has been a pleasure.

          Ann, since you have been encouraging to me, I thought that I would tell you that I will be publishing my first blog post tomorrow on Will’s blog. It isn’t much but I am just testing the waters with an easy subject. 🙂

  5. LOL omg….that would have been so awkward watching him fuck himself in the arse. I would have been shell shocked too. Absolutely hilarious. …except for the part where be began shitting in front of you…nasty! haha

  6. Ann,
    At first, I stopped reading after “Lest you think this story ends in some hot girl-on-girl action, I should clarify that it did not.”

    But then i realized I owed you more than that.
    I made the right decision.

  7. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

    Oh Maurnas, I heart you.

    I might have to regale you with my first ever boyfriend and anal story. I was a bit shell-shocked too, but then got over it rather rapidly since the damn thing was attached to my hips with a harness…

    Thanks Ann for making her write this 😉 It’s filled my Monday afternoon with joy 😀

  8. Pingback: First times: My first ever strap on experience | Spankalicious

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