Last night Andrew and I spent a couple of hours on a skype call together. I like talking to him and I was also hoping perhaps he would talk me through a nice orgasm.
The latter didn’t happen, but we did have a great talk.
I forget now how it came up, but it was organic. I think I had said something about how stressed out I’d been, and he asked me if there was something else going on with me of which he was unaware. I suggested that work and home could be enough, but he knew better and pressed me on it.
I told him about Johnny – I had mentioned it in passing before; that I was coming out of a 6 month relationship – but hadn’t shared the intensity of my feelings. So I did. I told him I had been in love and it ended badly and why I had to make the decision I did.
Which led me to say that it was partly the reason why I couldn’t be with someone that had FWB relationships. That I didn’t have the mental or emotional energy to deal with it. And I realized it wasn’t something I wanted and I wasn’t willing to compromise on the things that really mattered to me.
He volunteered that he had spoken with FWB 1 and told her they could no longer have a physical relationship. She still wants to see him – he’s helping her through some personal issues – but understood and accepted there was to be no more sex.
Before I knew it I had asked about FWB 2. I know, I know…. My Mother always says “don’t ask a question you don’t want the answer to”. It’s great advice and I’m WAY better than I used to be. I should have realized that by his not mentioning FWB 2, he hadn’t had that conversation. But I suppose it was better that I asked, because I learned something.
He said he hadn’t had the conversation yet, and that it was a process for him and he was slower to go there emotionally than I was. He also said “I have my own issues too”. We joked that his issues triggered my issues.
He then said he wanted me to know there was none of “this” going on with FWB 2. No conversations, no emotional depth, no relationship building.
I got the message, loud and clear. I didn’t press him to move faster, because that’s not the right answer or the right thing. How could I ask him to do it, when I don’t even know he’s someone I even want to be in an exclusive relationship with? For crying out loud, we have only known each other for a few weeks. If he hadn’t been open and honest with me, we would not be having an “I want us to be exclusive” conversation.
Then he said: “you are way more of a threat to me than [FWB 2] is to you”. I inquired as to why, and he explained that since I had given my heart to someone, I wasn’t whole yet, and that was more dangerous for him at the start of a relationship.
I was quiet. He was, of course, absolutely correct.
I could see things from his perspective. He likes me, sees the potential. He doesn’t give his heart to just anyone. He doesn’t waste his time investing in relationships when there is no potential. He doesn’t lead someone to believe something that isn’t true. He doesn’t imply potential to get someone into bed. But he loves sex and will have solely physical relationships until he finds someone.
I found it fascinating that he ended the physical relationship with FWB 1, where there was more of a connection and a friendship, and left FWB 2 in place, where it is clearly only about the sex.
Recognizing I may need to get used to the situation for a while, with knowing he’s with someone else (and of course it’s killing me to not know how often, but I DEFINITELY don’t want that answer), I started to tell him perhaps I could get used to it. I told him about my trying to get used to Johnny being with another woman; that he tried to convince me it / I would be fine.
Andrew stopped me mid-sentence, saying “nobody should EVER try to change your values. You are who you are. If you can’t find someone who will accept you exactly as you are, then you shouldn’t be with them.”
It reinforced for me that I don’t need to try to make myself be okay with something I’m not. It might happen someday, but I can’t force it.
Andrew then went on to tell me that his and my values are the same. We are aligned. And he would never ask me to change my values for him.
He believes in giving his heart to just one person, but he doesn’t feel the same way about his body. He does not want a polyamorous relationship. However, he doesn’t want an open relationship, either. The description that closely fits is that he would swing – meaning, he is willing to share his partner with others, but in a situation where he is also present (to a greater or lesser extent) and where you can end the evening with each other. This ensures you reconnect as a couple.
While I’ve never put it to the test – so this is all just a theory – that is the closest I could come to sharing my partner.
Andrew said – look, I know there is always going to be someone with a bigger dick, who could probably pleasure you better. Or who is better looking. But there is nobody else who has the same whole package as me.
It’s a damn mature and self-assured way to think about things. He’s totally right. When I’ve been in situations where a lover of mine is with someone else (Johnny and Andrew as good examples), I get caught up in stupid stuff. For example: is she smaller and therefore can they have the kind of sex where he stands up, picks her up and she wraps her legs around his waist and they fuck against a wall. Because I can’t do that. Well, with a gigantic professional weight lifter, perhaps.
Or, does she have a smaller or tighter ass. Or better tits. Or does she swallow (hello, bad gag reflex here). I don’t worry about whether she’d be more intelligent, or funny, or successful, or polished, or insatiable, or even if she’s generally better in bed. With Johnny, I didn’t actually worry that he was going to fall in love with her.
If I don’t pick one lover over another only because of cock or bicep size, why do I worry that the size of my ass is going to be the make or break of a relationship? I totally realize it’s moronic.
We moved on to other topics and I mentioned the three guys I chatted with on the beach. He joked about whether there was a potential gang bang and although I said I wasn’t interested in them that way, it was one of my fantasies. He said – “well, I will take you to a local swingers club on “DTF” night [now that you all know what that means]. It happens once a month. There are lots of single guys there on those nights. You will go as ‘my girl’ and I will be there with you while you have sex with other men, but then I will finish you off. At the end of the night you will be mine. I will need you to spend the night with me afterwards.”
I’m starting to see that even if ultimately Andrew and I don’t end up in a relationship with each other, that he’s very good for me right now, on many levels.