I'm more of a threat than his FWB

Last night Andrew and I spent a couple of hours on a skype call together. I like talking to him and I was also hoping perhaps he would talk me through a nice orgasm.

The latter didn’t happen, but we did have a great talk.

I forget now how it came up, but it was organic. I think I had said something about how stressed out I’d been, and he asked me if there was something else going on with me of which he was unaware. I suggested that work and home could be enough, but he knew better and pressed me on it.

I told him about Johnny – I had mentioned it in passing before; that I was coming out of a 6 month relationship – but hadn’t shared the intensity of my feelings. So I did. I told him I had been in love and it ended badly and why I had to make the decision I did.

Which led me to say that it was partly the reason why I couldn’t be with someone that had FWB relationships. That I didn’t have the mental or emotional energy to deal with it. And I realized it wasn’t something I wanted and I wasn’t willing to compromise on the things that really mattered to me.

He volunteered that he had spoken with FWB 1 and told her they could no longer have a physical relationship. She still wants to see him – he’s helping her through some personal issues – but understood and accepted there was to be no more sex.

Before I knew it I had asked about FWB 2. I know, I know…. My Mother always says “don’t ask a question you don’t want the answer to”. It’s great advice and I’m WAY better than I used to be. I should have realized that by his not mentioning FWB 2, he hadn’t had that conversation. But I suppose it was better that I asked, because I learned something.

He said he hadn’t had the conversation yet, and that it was a process for him and he was slower to go there emotionally than I was. He also said “I have my own issues too”. We joked that his issues triggered my issues.

He then said he wanted me to know there was none of “this” going on with FWB 2. No conversations, no emotional depth, no relationship building.

I got the message, loud and clear. I didn’t press him to move faster, because that’s not the right answer or the right thing. How could I ask him to do it, when I don’t even know he’s someone I even want to be in an exclusive relationship with? For crying out loud, we have only known each other for a few weeks. If he hadn’t been open and honest with me, we would not be having an “I want us to be exclusive” conversation.

Then he said: “you are way more of a threat to me than [FWB 2] is to you”. I inquired as to why, and he explained that since I had given my heart to someone, I wasn’t whole yet, and that was more dangerous for him at the start of a relationship.

I was quiet. He was, of course, absolutely correct.

I could see things from his perspective. He likes me, sees the potential. He doesn’t give his heart to just anyone. He doesn’t waste his time investing in relationships when there is no potential. He doesn’t lead someone to believe something that isn’t true. He doesn’t imply potential to get someone into bed. But he loves sex and will have solely physical relationships until he finds someone.

I found it fascinating that he ended the physical relationship with FWB 1, where there was more of a connection and a friendship, and left FWB 2 in place, where it is clearly only about the sex.

Recognizing I may need to get used to the situation for a while, with knowing he’s with someone else (and of course it’s killing me to not know how often, but I DEFINITELY don’t want that answer), I started to tell him perhaps I could get used to it. I told him about my trying to get used to Johnny being with another woman; that he tried to convince me it / I would be fine.

Andrew stopped me mid-sentence, saying “nobody should EVER try to change your values. You are who you are. If you can’t find someone who will accept you exactly as you are, then you shouldn’t be with them.”

It reinforced for me that I don’t need to try to make myself be okay with something I’m not. It might happen someday, but I can’t force it.

Andrew then went on to tell me that his and my values are the same. We are aligned. And he would never ask me to change my values for him.

He believes in giving his heart to just one person, but he doesn’t feel the same way about his body. He does not want a polyamorous relationship. However, he doesn’t want an open relationship, either. The description that closely fits is that he would swing – meaning, he is willing to share his partner with others, but in a situation where he is also present (to a greater or lesser extent) and where you can end the evening with each other. This ensures you reconnect as a couple.

While I’ve never put it to the test – so this is all just a theory – that is the closest I could come to sharing my partner.

Andrew said – look, I know there is always going to be someone with a bigger dick, who could probably pleasure you better. Or who is better looking. But there is nobody else who has the same whole package as me.

It’s a damn mature and self-assured way to think about things. He’s totally right. When I’ve been in situations where a lover of mine is with someone else (Johnny and Andrew as good examples), I get caught up in stupid stuff. For example: is she smaller and therefore can they have the kind of sex where he stands up, picks her up and she wraps her legs around his waist and they fuck against a wall. Because I can’t do that. Well, with a gigantic professional weight lifter, perhaps.

Or, does she have a smaller or tighter ass. Or better tits. Or does she swallow (hello, bad gag reflex here). I don’t worry about whether she’d be more intelligent, or funny, or successful, or polished, or insatiable, or even if she’s generally better in bed. With Johnny, I didn’t actually worry that he was going to fall in love with her.

If I don’t pick one lover over another only because of cock or bicep size, why do I worry that the size of my ass is going to be the make or break of a relationship? I totally realize it’s moronic.

We moved on to other topics and I mentioned the three guys I chatted with on the beach. He joked about whether there was a potential gang bang and although I said I wasn’t interested in them that way, it was one of my fantasies. He said – “well, I will take you to a local swingers club on “DTF” night [now that you all know what that means]. It happens once a month. There are lots of single guys there on those nights. You will go as ‘my girl’ and I will be there with you while you have sex with other men, but then I will finish you off. At the end of the night you will be mine. I will need you to spend the night with me afterwards.”

I’m starting to see that even if ultimately Andrew and I don’t end up in a relationship with each other, that he’s very good for me right now, on many levels.

0 thoughts on “I'm more of a threat than his FWB

  1. That all sounds awesome. Please go sllloooowww with him. He may be a keeper so you don’t want to spook him. Time is your ally here. The fact he drove you to the airport and skyped for a long conversation is further proof that he’s defintely infatuated with you. Congrats!!!

    • It’s hard to go slow when you met for a threesome. Slow isn’t something I’m that good at.

      But what I AM trying to do it not force things, not try to have things all neatly sorted. Because of my drive to do that, I back myself into a place that I may not even want. So I’m resisting that urge as much as I can.

      While I know he’s taking his time to end his remaining FWB situation, I’m working on being okay with that. We both like each other and see some interesting potential…but we also know that it takes time to really figure things out.

      It’s not easy for me, but I’m trying πŸ™‚

    • Yup, I can learn a lot from him and it’s really good. I told him last night I was trying to figure out the things I was willing to compromise on (and not) and he laughed and said you never figure it out…you just learn more each time.

      I’m starting to think he’s quite right. With each experience I learn a little bit more. Which is good.

      Glad I’m not the only one who compares / contrasts in that way. I fixate on the things I can’t change. Which is just stupid :/

  2. I think it’s really good that you two are communicating so openly. And I give him respect for saying nobody should ever try to change your values — a mature, responsible attitude for him to have.

    • Thanks, Gus. I haven’t let him in to all my inner workings, but am getting there.

      And yes, it does seem mature. It makes sense, totally. I mean, if you can’t accept someone exactly as they are, there’s really no hope. Trying to change someone else is futile. I see it so often and it never works.

  3. I like this on so many levels!
    But what I really want to comment upon right now (gotta run soon) is: why can seemingly intelligent women like us fall into this trap of thinking that we are not enough, that our bodies are not enough, not desirable enough, or that we’re not lovable enough? I know the answer in my case. 20 years with someone who makes you feel like you’re not enough doesn’t help much with one’s self-esteem! I think you were in a similar situation. It will take time and TLC from the right people to get us through this. But we will get better. I have to believe it!
    Oh, and do tell me (us) about the gang bang when it does happen πŸ˜‰ This is something I’d really like too I think, if I can ever get past my insecurities πŸ™‚

    • Oh yes, Dawn. It’s a great question…and yes, definitely long relationships where you don’t feel like you are enough are very bad for us!! I also never felt I was enough for my father, either. But that’s a post for another day.

      Yes, I will absolutely write about it. I know he will make it happen, I just need to say the word. It might be better to just say – yes, let’s do that – and then before I can get all weirded out and worried about it, it will happen.

      Of course the thing that would worry me is that nobody would want me and I would leave the club ignored, except by him. I think if I told him that, he would think I’m crazy.

          • We have ways. You yourself have posted very cryptic pictures but enough of you was revealed (and your words and those of others you have been with) to indicate that you are easy on the eyes. But the eyes are only a part of the story. And your mind is harder to hide. Yes, we all present what we want to be seen by our adoring public, but there are certain things, written by others who you have met with, that cannot be hidden.

            I don’t doubt for a minute, Ann, that you warm up any room you’re in.

            Again… I will supervise and accumulate all the information I need to prove my thesis. I suppose I should have said “I believe you are too hot in too many ways” but that sounds like a high school nerd. And that is not what I want YOU to believe I am.

          • That is a very sweet answer, so thank you πŸ™‚

            Yes I suppose there are two people out there who have met me in person and have written about it (and me). Only one had a strong vested interest in making me look good, and the other is too kind to say anything unflattering πŸ™‚

            I do try very hard to not curate what I share with you…I don’t try to make myself out to be something I’m not. Or to only share the parts that fit the narrative. It’s nice to be appreciated for exactly who and what I am.

            Perhaps some day you will be able to test your theories πŸ˜›

      • I totally understand what you mean about not being enough for your father. I think I never felt that my true self was enough for him either, so that’s when I started to change my core. I actually think that this is in big part what led to my accepting an abusive relationship later on in life, as it was the only thing I knew from a man…
        If I ever get into the position to try the gang bang thing, I’ll let you know too πŸ˜‰
        I understand about you wanting it to happen soon after you’ve made the decision. No time to wonder, to change your mind!

        Now, that last paragraph… I want to say “are you crazy?” I’ve seen but one picture of you, but I’m sure more than a few men would be very interested. Now, of course, I may have a similar doubt if I were in a club πŸ˜‰
        Maybe the answer would be to go to a club with no pressure, no idea of having this happen. That way, if it does, great, if it doesn’t, then you’ll be satisfied having been with just him πŸ™‚
        The fact he knows you’re game means that if the opportunity were to arise, then he would know to go for it. πŸ™‚

        • I’m careful to not show my “middle third” lol…that area I’m not so fond of. But thank you very much πŸ™‚

          And yes, rationally I haven’t ever had a problem finding men who want to have sex with me. However, my first time at a swingers club (http://wp.me/p3SI98-mK) did not end with my being propositioned by others.

          So really, it’s more that fear of – oh goodness, here I would be at a place that is ALL ABOUT sex…and what if nobody wants it with me other than the man I came with? That would seem like a terrible rejection.

          • Do you think maybe you were just not ready that day? Other people could have picked up on it subconsciously. The fact you keep writing about wanting to get more drunk than you were and not succeeding to ever get drunk enough for your taste… that suggests your body language probably wasn’t screaming ‘available’. If Ariel had been more forward with others, he may have suggested to go ask people you would have liked to interact with, or even asked if you wanted him to go ask that couple or this person… after all, you went on the premise that he had some experience with these things!
            So I wouldn’t take it as a rejection from other but possibly as a problem of you not being as available as you thought you were…
            I do understand your fear. I would share it with Andrew so that he knows to be more forward than Ariel was… and you two should have a great experience πŸ™‚

          • Very good points you make, Dawn. Yes, it would have been different had Ariel taken me out on the dance floor, or been a bit more forward. I think Andrew is quite different, and yes, I’m trying to find the balance between being confident in his eyes, and letting him know what I’m worried about.

  4. Skype is wonderful. It allows me to get through very long times away from my friends (with or without benefits) with my sanity intact. If not my virginity. Talking you through an orgasm on Skype can be wonderful. It just brings you closer together. And will get your partner’s motor purring too.

    Yes… thank you Mr. Skype. Whoever you are.

    My advice to you is don’t listen to my advice. You know what they say about free advice. Although I think there is merit to it, be careful about weeding through it. Sometimes your own heart gives the best advice. You just have to listen without putting it through any filters.

    • Lol he has yet to talk me through a Skype orgasm…gotta work on that. I don’t think he’s done it much (neither had I, as of a couple years ago), but he has a great voice and I know he could be an amazing voice in my ear, telling me what he would do to me, if he were here.

      Sigh. I may need some alone time now πŸ˜‰

  5. Maybe this is just my particular way of looking at things, but it seems to me the universe is guiding and placing people in your life to awaken you and bring you closer to yourself. It’s beautiful.

  6. Ann, I repeat myself, this guy sounds awesome! And kudos to you for managing a challenging situation so well. I continue to hope the best for you and him.

      • I haven’t posted about the most recent weekend. We were actually together on both Saturday and Sunday, but once again I walked away more confused than when I went. I haven’t been able to sort out in my head what’s going on, so I haven’t written about it yet. I’m probably at the point where I’m just going to have to put all the cards on the table and ask what’s going on — because I’m not reading the signs well.

  7. Ann, hope your holiday is going well and as others have already stated, I like the way that Andrew is getting to know you whilst encouraging you to remain true to who you are as well as being transparent in his communication. I understand his ending the sexual aspect of his relationship with FWB1, where I would get caught up is in the emotional connection they share as friends whereas FWB2 isn’t a threat for the reasons he stated. It’s fascinating to me, to read how this unfolds given where you are in your own discovery and maybe, just maybe the reason you and JohnnyId weren’t right (or right at the moment) is because you were meant to meet Andrew after all. What’s that quote…”You meet someone and they are either a lesson or a blessing?” I tend to think people fall in both categories in some aspect but Andrew sure sounds like he’s (currently) weighing heavily in the blessing category with the right balance of a lesson as well. Thank you for sharing everything so openly.

    • I’m glad you are enjoying the story as it unfolds… so am I!!

      I too had a momentary thought hiccup as I wondered whether he can really “just” be friends with FWB 1…but he did tell me, before I even said I had an issue with the FWB thing, that their relationship was more about him helping her with some stuff.

      I need to practice trusting him. I’m trying.

      Thank you so very much for your ongoing support. It means so much to me.

      • I agree. But maybe more because part of you might like to be more invested in him and vice versa. I do think each time, learning how to process the honesty, noting your reactions and trying to understand them is still going in the right direction.

        • Thank you. And yes, I agree…it’s interesting to see how I react to all this. My post tomorrow deals with what the core issue is – and it’s not that I want more from a relationship, necessarily. I don’t know that he’s the right guy for me at this point, anyway.

          • I totally understand that point of view. But we want it all don’t we? We still want our core values let’s say, even when they guy isn’t right. Is it fair? Working through it myself and unsure.

What do you think?