…and then sometimes, the decision is made for me.

I just hung up the phone with Andrew.

As I may have mentioned in some comments from my post last night, he had told me he was in a bad mood and would talk to me tomorrow (today). To cheer him up, I sent him a few pics of myself, and I got no response.

We chatted for a few minutes about my illness, and then I asked him if everything was okay yesterday. He said he was thinking a lot about out conversation. He said “it is not in the cards for us, and I don’t want to make a fool out of you.”

I asked him why. He said he didn’t really know, but it was nothing I said or did. But he also recognized that he wasn’t cumming with me (or his FWB, for the record) and that was a sign for him that he needed to sort some things out in his head, some of which have nothing to do with me.

He also said he didn’t want to just have a FWB relationship with me; that he was trying to get away from that and find something meaningful.

I told him it was disappointing, but I appreciated him telling me now versus later. I told him I couldn’t figure out if he just wasn’t that into me, or if he was just being cautious. I also told him I was disappointed I wouldn’t get to explore the things we had planned. I told him I had joined FetLife and he said he thought it would be a good experience for me. He gave me his “handle”, unprompted.

He said it didn’t mean we would never speak again. But I’m not sure what I would say. Perhaps he can still help me navigate some of this world, if I choose to stay connected to it. Perhaps not.

As I write this, I wonder if he’ll continue with his FWB… but that’s really neither here nor there. Just simple curiosity.

So, there it is. 6 weeks and we are done. And throughout the day today I was writing a post on what I actually want. It’s not to feel like I’m not desired, that’s for damn sure.

0 thoughts on “…and then sometimes, the decision is made for me.

  1. You’re definitely wanted, Ann – by virtually everyone who has ever read or met you, I bet. I’m not judging Andrew but he sounds pretty emotional for someone with a penis.

    I’m not bashing sensitive guys – I’ve been one on occasion – but his role was pretty simple:
    1) Love Ann St. Vincent.
    2) Make wild passionate, exhausting love to Ann. St. Vincent.
    3) Repeat until in a coma.
    4) Awaken from said coma.
    5) Repeat.
    Questions, Andrew?

  2. Right, I liked this post, though it is always a difficult thing to experience. At least a lot of your questions regarding him are answered :-/
    Look at it like this: Now you have a blank slate to start from, with a better understanding of what you want. It will gt easier and easier to find your perfect match 🙂

    Alright, who am I fooling? Come here for a hug!
    XO

  3. Ah well, at least you’ve been saved heartache.

    I’m sorry though and do keep exploring the kink. It’s a fun world to play in 🙂

    Huge hugs for you.

  4. Virtual hugs for what it’s worth *hugs*.

    I’ve not been reading your blog for long, but I’m going to stick my nose in. This was painful to watch unfold, not least because I see myself in it with the overthinking and such.

    We do all this self-talk about it: we excuse, we justify, we wait for THEM to excuse and justify, we hang in there ‘just in case’, we wait for them to act so we know how to react/behave/what to do.

    We do all that when really, we should just listen to our instincts. We don’t because humans are hopeful and optimistic and our heads go ‘but but… they are so great!’ (and probably they are) while our hearts are going ‘why aren’t I happy?’ (because it’s not working).

    I’ve long since learnt that if I’m self-talking in the early stages, I’m done. If it’s right, that just doesn’t happen: I’m too busy being joyful and excited to see where I can take it.

    Either way, it’s hurtful and horrible when things don’t work out *more hugs*.

    I’m ‘Ferns’ over on FL if you want a friendly face.

    Ferns

    • Hey Ferns,

      Thank you – you are more than welcome to stick your nose in!!

      You are SO right about the self-talk. The early weeks of a relationship aren’t when you should be doubting yourself, or how they feel, or any of those things.

      And yes, even though I wasn’t getting what I needed, the rejection still stings.

      thanks for the hugs 🙂

  5. Ugh. I feel like I’ve had similar experiences with men. This just feels too familiar to me. I was irritated as I read this, not with you, but with feeling like people like the inability to connect when you want them to. How could something with promise just fall apart? Guess that’s the way of things. Hopefully Fet will be good for you. It’s a great site. 🙂

    • It’s so frustrating. Especially when it is this vague thing between ‘just not that into you” and “it’s not you, it’s me”. I’m sure he’s not breaking up with his FWB which then leaves me wondering if it would have been better to just stay with the sex…which was really good…

  6. Not that you want my advice, but I’m gonna put it out there anyway. I think refraining from sex for a while would do you a world of good. It seems to cause so much pain and confusion. As someone on the outside looking in, it seems like the sex is a way to fill a void, a deep emptiness that is erased or forgotten by a momentary high that is never enough. I have done this too, so I say it without judgment.

    I’m sorry this happened to you in the midst of a cold and everything else, but it is a gift that he was honest with you and himself. I am sure it wasn’t easy for him either to let go of someone like you.

    • SFL,

      Are you my sister? Seriously!

      Ann, you are so worth a relationship and you are an amazing friend. I am not going to join in on the “his loss” conjecture because I know that it does nothing to settle the feelings of being “released.”

      You are a lovely (meaning “gorgeous”) woman in every sense of the word. You are intelligent, witty (rivaling that of my ‘biting’ husband), self sufficient, kind, and absolutely beautiful.

      I do agreen with SFL in that turning to sex seems to perpetuate the current trajectory. What if you tried something different and gave your heart, mind, body and soul some time to settle? Heaven knows that you need to heal from this illness.

      I am so sorry for this ending so abruptly. I wish that I could be there to hug you in person.

      I have much love for you, sweetie.

    • I always want advice, even if I don’t take it.

      You are correct about the sex. I want that connection and it makes me feel good on multiple levels.

      I know that what is best is giving myself some time and space from all men. Perhaps my limited time will be a blessing in that regard, because if I’m going to engage with anyone I need to be fairly certain they are worth my time.

      It’s better for sure for him to tell me now. I’m glad he could be honest. But he didn’t seem all that torn up about it…

  7. I know you see it as a rejection but I would not. Andrew has sounded confused from the beginning. He has too many things going on it seems. He wasn’t giving you what you wanted, and why would settle for anything less then what you want? He was honest though…oh how uncommon that is….

    Chin Up Lovely, …I’m so excited you’ve discovered this new side to yourself. You really are an inspiration. <3

      • The side of you that is exploring Fet-life. A tad of your submissiveness 😉

        I would ADORE it if you could come. I’m making hotel arrangements soon. …so that should be interesting considering the spontaneousness of it all. I’ll probably have to locate myself somewhere outside of the city. Matt said all of the hotels are booked a year in advance of course. …and you wouldn’t get to meet JUST Matt and JBlondie…you’d also get to meet UVM 😉

  8. I kind of predicted this. And yes, women are complex (Yes we are) but we are not completely crazy either; if we feel something is off, normally something is off.

    I am sorry that this happened, but at the same time I am happy that this happened, because you finally can stop thinking about it – it’s your release! I simply cannot live in doubt and I am sure it’s the same for most.
    Better things will come. As cliche as it might sound, things do happen for a reason:)

    • Well, yes, I am pretty calm. First because there is nothing I can do to change the outcome. Second because he wasn’t really giving me what I need, even though there was some fun to be had. And finally, I hadn’t really come to a conclusion that he was going to be a great relationship match.

      So I’m hurt and feel rejected to some extent, and wish we could still explore some things physically together, but I am not heartbroken or even bruised.

      Thanks for following along with the story 🙂

  9. I’m glad things ended before you got too involved emotionally. That said, being dumped always sucks even if it was flawed in the first place. Heck, I had a half bottle of wine in response to being dumped for a first date by a guy I had never actually met and would probably have had to dump the next week anyway. Rejection is rejection and rejection stinks. I’m hoping you bump into someone new and exciting where you are least expecting it If that doesn’t happen by Friday, I will then hope that you had the foresight to invite some fun party guests or that your guests bring a hottie or two!

  10. First, still sad you don’t feel well and wish I could send you my chicken soup. Comes with a money back guarantee that you feel better after eating. ((((((Hugs))))))).

    Yes, we rooted for you and Andrew. We did. But we are here for you and it does smack of rejection. He let it go too easily. I don’t care if you were undecided or not, he didn’t *really* know those thoughts deep down. My only suspicion is – did you lay out your thoughts too fast? You know I say this in going thru the same thing right now. We organize and think things through in our minds. Aggressively. Do we push people away because of this (or conversely pull certain people in?). If you had let it for longer, would you have been the FWB? IMHO, The answers to the questions are really in your own list/previous posts: no, you wanted clarity.

    So, as much as it sucks, you knew in your heart you needed something different, asked for it, and he didn’t give it to you. You rejected what he was offering in your own way – as you should – you deserve more. So there Andrew, Ann rejected you first! Humph.

    The thing is, we want to make these decisions on our own terms. We don’t want anyone making them for us.

    And I think Hooks scenario is the best: where the f*ck are the men that can do that??!!!

    • Thanks hon. I could use that chicken soup, that’s for sure.

      I do plan to ask him if my discussions about how he felt propelled him to end it. Not that it would change anything, but I’m naturally curious.

      I sense there is other stuff going on with him – especially since he noticed a difference sexually with his FWB as well – but absolutely, the rejection still stings.

          • Well we were supposed to talk last night. I had texted him and told him I had some questions, after reflecting, and could we talk. He said yes. But of course I couldn’t talk given my illness and then went to bed. I asked him to call me sometime today and he hasn’t yet. Who knows if he will.

            But no, most don’t. Often they are cowards. Why would you want to talk to someone you’ve already decided you don’t want to be with, just to get shit from them or be challenged?

  11. I’m standing in line to give you virtual {{hugs}} of support. Men are such idiots (believe me, I know, I am one, both actually). His loss. Hoping the next one is the right one for you. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

  12. He’s an individual, you’re an individual, and as it turned out you both didn’t match up. No biggy.

    If he’s not willing to work through whatever he’s struggling with in your relationship (whatever that may be), then he’s not worth keeping anyway. I guess some things just can’t be fixed, its better off dropping the baggage and starting fresh. So start fresh! Relax! Be thankful for some emotional serenity! 😀

    I totally agree with the others that you should back off from men for a bit. Be happy and confident being single and you’ll be fending them all off with a stick before you know it. They have a track record for ruining our singledom!

    And woooo FL Ann! Good on you! Enjoy exploring the bdsm and kink world more – once you cross over you won’t go back 😉 Not going to give out my details on here but you’ll find me on there through sharn if you want some kinky support 😀 xx

    • Thank you. So much better to know now…but the sting of rejection still hurts.

      Reaching out to others is what dulls the pain. But you are correct, along with everyone else… the best thing for me would be to step back. It doesn’t help that I’m sick in bed and don’t feel like reading or watching tv…so the internet is my friend.

      Maybe I should back away from the electronics now 🙂

      • Oh god yes, technology gets too much for me sometimes and I have to go have a swim. Or lay on the grass. Or snuggle up in a chair on the deck and listen to (and smell!) the rain.
        Its very relaxing on the mind to just appreciate nature. I consider it my meditation 😉 as soon as thoughts go back to Andrew or things that stress you, ‘change the subject’ in your brain.

        Don’t leave us cold turkey though! Just have your quiet moments with nature and come back. We all need you as much as you need us xo

    • I think I created this drama. I suspect had I never ever asked anything about how he felt, or told him I didn’t want an FWB, etc., then we’d still be sleeping together.

      Maybe not, but it’s my strong suspicion.

        • Yes, absolutely! I mean, I wasn’t getting what I wanted, but if I had learned to chill, I might have gotten at least one thing that I wanted.

          The irony for me is that with someone with whom I see ZERO potential (like Jason), I have no issue with a casual sexual relationship. So if I could have gotten my head to that place with Andrew, then perhaps I could still be exploring with him.

          Oh well. It is what it is, at this point.

  13. I have to ruminate on this a bit. I step away for less than 30-hours and so much to catch up on! That said; while I don’t disagree with the folks that have commented so far, I have a niggling suspicion you and Andrew aren’t quite finished. It’s clear you upset his apple cart a bit and when he had a woman that met so much of what he said he wanted, that was also fiercely independent and able to take care of herself, it put a line in the sand that he wasn’t prepared for. Yet. I’m not rooting for or against Andrew (or Johnny for that matter) as much as see some similarities between my experience with him and yours with Andrew…*pondering* for now…

What do you think?