A wee wrap-up about Andrew.

I realized I haven’t posted yet today and that would break a very long streak of posting every day. Unacceptable!

I am still sick. Now I have a new prescription for my cough which is a narcotic and makes me feel weird. I’m getting really tired of being sick. I had two events I was supposed to go to tonight, which I was really looking forward to, and I cancelled a fun party I was hosting tomorrow.

Anyway. A few hours of rumination after Andrew dumped me (if you can call it that), I realized I had some questions I wanted to ask him. So I texted him and asked him if we could talk. He said sure, after the kids were asleep. Well, Monday night didn’t happen.

Neither did Tues, or Wed. Today he said he would be free after 2:30. He called after 4.

After some meaningless chitchat, I asked him my first question – did my asking him how he felt contribute to him ending it. Short answer? Yes.

Longer answer? He felt emotional pressure, even though there was nothing specific I did. I asked for some examples. He said that I was planning way too far in advance – like hanging out at Christmas (which I NEVER asked him about…we may have talked about what he does during Christmas, since he doesn’t celebrate it) and New Years (because I mentioned it would be my first New Years free – which I guess he took as a suggestion. Little does he know I’m hanging out with J Blondie!).

So I followed up by asking if that’s why he didn’t think we could have a sex-only relationship. He said yes, that he couldn’t see the emotional pressure going away.

I explained to him that the pressure he felt came from my not knowing that he was all that into me – which I need in any relationship, even if it’s just sex. For someone with whom there is no potential of a future, I have little issue with just having sex with them. I also told him that I had drawn no conclusions about our future compatibility. But, I liked hanging out with him (he confirmed he did as well with me) and wouldn’t mind seeing him on occasion again, if he was open to it.

Now, you may think this is dumb. Perhaps it is. But in some ways, knowing exactly where I stand solves my problem. Well, at least one of them.

Oh, and that woman on FetLife? Yup, that’s his FWB. I asked him why he gave he his FetLife handle and he said that it wasn’t like he said we needed to stop talking (why FetLife would be the forum for doing so, I didn’t ask). We talked at length about the different groups he was in – I told him I felt insufficient looking at his group list and what he says he is looking for. He explainedΒ how he’d come to join the various groups. He also said he had joined 6 years ago and some of the things are no longer relevant (I presume one of these is that he’s no longer looking for ‘a slave’).

All in all, based on what he says, I believe his actions when we were “together” were really reactionary.

He also told me he is working through his own issues with emotions and intimacy. So, he’s got other shit going on.

I don’t know if I will see him again. But I feel better understanding what caused it. And it just reinforces for me that once we believe something to be true, we will see the actions that reinforce that belief and ignore those that don’t. I honest to goodness did not ask to make plans with him at Christmas and New Years, but even my talking about it had him thinking that I was dropping hints about our future.

Live and learn.

And yes, I’m now behind on writing about my list of partner characteristics and how I want to be treated, my FetLife adventures, and also the size of the dog walkers hands (hint: MASSIVE). Perhaps tomorrow πŸ™‚

0 thoughts on “A wee wrap-up about Andrew.

  1. I want to comment. I really do, but I am a broken record (for those of you who know what a record is) and You are fairly clear on what my recommendation is for you. I am sad about all that you have been through. You deserve happiness, sweetie! I just want to see you get that and see your list checked off.

  2. I’m bummed about this because….what’s an organized girl with limited time to do? I think if everything in 2 week periods based on when I have the kids. If you only have 1 free night a week then you probably always think in advance…I don’t mean the misunderstanding over Xmas – just in general. Emotional pressure my foot.

    I am happy you got some clarity though…that’s a better place to move forward from.

    But the most logical man so far let me down with the planning part. Geez

    So sorry you’re still sick. 😣. Feel better.

    • That’s a good point, which I hadn’t even thought of when writing my comment. When you have young kids (and jobs and other stuff going on) I’d assume that some advance planning is always necessary. Which just makes his concern about that even odder to me.

    • Well he is pretty good at reading people so I’m sure he picked up on all of my internal dialogue and emotions. But definitely he projected some stuff that wasn’t there.

      But yes, absolutely, it’s hard to not plan for me when i have only one night free. I don’t want to waste those nights! I do know people that are last minute (especially any of the people I’ve met who are in their late 20s or early 30s) and for stuff that is important to me, I just don’t like it.

      Clarity is good – will be interesting to see whether we see each other again. I miss his cock πŸ˜›

      Yeah, this sickness SUCKS. Thank you xox

  3. “-we will see the actions that reinforce that belief and ignore those that don’t.”

    THAT is very true.

    “I honest to goodness did not ask to make plans with him at Christmas and New Years, but even my talking about it had him thinking that I was dropping hints about our future.”

    I can see that too. Although, in my opinion, I don’t know why that would be such a problem. I mean, we’re talking about a month away, that doesn’t seem like something to be overly concerned about. If you were dropping hints about spending next Easter together, THEN I could see why he would be concerned that you’re planning things too far in advance. But making plans for Christmas in late November doesn’t sound so odd to me.

    • Yeah, I hear you. Even if I had mused about maybe doing something on New Years Eve…you are right, it’s not all that far away. I think in that case it speaks more to his own issues, because we HAD been seeing each other for 6 weeks. Not like I was planning an April vacation πŸ™‚

  4. Sometimes it isn’t what we say, it’s how people hear things in their own convoluted minds. I’m happy you’ve had some closure. And that Andrew actually talked to you about everything. That counts for something :-).

    • Yeah, he is a total stand up guy when it comes to honesty and respect. I like him a lot for that.

      and yes, I suppose it is closure that I’ve gotten. It’s a good thing, even when I don’t like the message.

    • Yes, absolutely, he isn’t ready to commit. I also don’t think we were perfectly matched for a long term relationship anyway, so there is that as well.

      Now that I know where I stand, I’m able to expend far less emotional energy on him. Doesn’t mean I might not want him in my bedroom every once in a while…but we shall see.

  5. hmm sounds familiar in the distancing way. when I get some alone time i’ll send you a dm instead! I do hope the new meds help and your recovery gets on the right road. truly.

  6. When I am comfortable with someone, I won’t have an issue making plans in advance. I usually like to as it gives me something to look forward to during the week. However 9 out of 10 times something always happens and it falls apart a day before, which has led me to not even making plans anymore and just winging it.

    Christmas and NYE should be covered in advance….especially here where hotels and parties are reserved 6 years in advance (!)….trying to get a reservation at a decent time for a dinner party or planning something special needs to be done NOW. But as others said, guess he just wasnt THAT into you.

    With my ex I dont think we EVER made advance plans really. Just kinda winged it on the weekends, which made it a lot of fun πŸ™‚

    Looking forward to meeting you for New Years….I think J is going to be the only person to ever convince me to stand out in the cold 8-10 hours before the ball drops πŸ˜‰

    • I’m fine with winging it on weekends when I’m in a relationship and it’s become known that you are spending those nights together. It’s a big difference when you aren’t at that point, and for me, I have only one child-free night a week. So I have to plan in advance if I want to make good use of it.

      I’m not sure I’m up to doing the whole stand-outside-for-8-hours-thing… but I could perhaps be convinced.

  7. My brain is stuck on MASSIVE hands. πŸ˜‰

    I’m glad you had a chance to talk with Andrew to clear the air. I don’t see anything shady in what he said, it sounds honest to me especially given the fact that he is still processing his own emotional issues. I’m also pretty sure that he was picking up vibes from you and the chaos you had going on internally wondering and worrying about so much and I wouldn’t be surprised if that led him to some assumptions of his own.

    I’d say keep the door open on this one. He sounds to me like a great resource for some of the things you still want to experience while not being one to take advantage of you.

    Hugs and hope you are on the mend. xo

    • Yeah his hands are massive lol. Not everything is though, but that’s okay πŸ™‚

      I definitely think he was picking up those vibes from me. He’s pretty attuned to people, so there’s no question in my mind that’s also what happened.

      I’m hoping we can see each other again. I’m going to not text or be in touch for a few days (this is VERY difficult for me to do) and then depending how it goes with some of the other discussions I’m having, perhaps I will reach out next week and see if he wants to hook up one night. Or perhaps not πŸ™‚

  8. It’s cool that you got more of an explanation from him. I have to say I find this whole scenario frustrating as I have also encountered stuff like this. He pursued you, expressed interest in you and said he felt a connection with you and was interested in potentially having a real relationship. Then he couldn’t handle it when you got interested in that. If he had just told you from the get-go that he was mired in intimacy issues and he couldn’t really deal with any kind of emotional involvement with anybody, you wouldn’t have gotten into him. But he didn’t do that. He lead you on and then he balked at your expectations.
    Guys seem to do this a lot. That’s just my take on it

    • YES. I couldn’t agree more. I didn’t write about it, but as you point out, there are a number of things he did in the early weeks that reinforced he was interested.

      You are absolutely correct. When I said to him that I didn’t want to share him (eventually), and that I was ultimately looking for a relationship, he very easily could have said to me that he didn’t want that with me. If I had known where I stood, I wouldn’t have been so bothered.

      It’s possible he just hadn’t made a decision yet – but it was the limbo that was annoying and caused me some anxiety.

      • I think, considering his honesty with you, that he was probably not sure where he stood himself… I’m sure you being on the rebound did play a role as well.
        Nonetheless, you can now move on. And don’t have to worry about him.
        I do agree with ‘Tis about the fact that his honesty and reliability to want what’s good for you as well as what is good for himself may be an indication you can still have those fun times with him…
        Yet I also agree with Savannah. I think you should try and avoid any contact with him for a little while. Maybe until after you feel better, after Xmas is over? Then you can see if doing those things with him is still something you can envision…
        Don’t rush into things, take some time out, time for your heart and body to mend… That would be my advice. But you know what they say about free advice: Worth every penny πŸ˜‰

        • Wait until Christmas?! Geez here I was thinking a few days would be a good plan. Lol… I don’t think you are wrong, necessarily. I’m just so bloody impatient.

          And yes, some time and space would be good. However I’ve now engaged a few men and kinda want to see whether any of them fit the bill – but I think the key is that if there is any whiff of it not being terrific, I need to cut them loose right away. That alone is a new thing for me.

          Thanks so much for the advice!

          • Yes, patience is a virtue that takes some time and practice to acquire. I’m still no master… but am getting better at it πŸ™‚

            I do understand how you want to see where that takes you. And yes, you want terrific. Though I must say… sometimes terrific starts slow :-/
            It’s a struggle. But yeah, go with your gut. What should be WILL be πŸ™‚

What do you think?