Why the f*ck is this so hard!?

Yesterday Johnny and I spent a bit of time texting back and forth about how much we wanted to text back and forth. He asked me how much I wanted to hear from him – I didn’t really know, and said basically somewhere between him telling me every time he took the dog out, and not hearing from him for days. He didn’t like that answer; he thought I was avoiding the question.

We eventually got to a place where I said – please just contact me when you want to, and don’t if you don’t. I still want to hear from him, but I understand it may not be the constant throughout the day texting (which I don’t have time for, anyway).

In this case, I’m not really keen on putting those kinds of parameters in place. It seemed to make sense to go with the flow and see how we feel.

Last night I went to a stage performance with a close girlfriend. We had a great dinner, a little bit too much wine, and thorougly enjoyed the show. I only briefly glanced at my phone at intermission to make sure I didn’t have any texts from my Nanny.

When I get home I look at my phone and see the following gchat texts from Johnny, sent a little bit earlier:

I’m not sure it’s good for me to remain friends.
Maybe better for us to go our separate ways.

What. The. Fuck.

I immediately send a text back, asking where this came from. No response. Call him multiple times on his home and work cell phones. No answer (now…I will tell you…he is ALWAYS on call for work). I see he reads my texts. No response.

I get angrier and angier. More and more concerned he’s going to do / doing something stupid. I check his new blog – no posts.

Last night, I barely got any sleep. Woke up literally every 20 minutes. Would check my phone, just to see – nothing.

I feel like I’m on a fucking rollercoaster. And not the fun kind.

0 thoughts on “Why the f*ck is this so hard!?

    • I have always maintained that you can tell a lot about someone based on how they act under stress. I take issue with the flip flop, but I get that opinions can change. The bigger issue for me is putting the comment in a text and then ignoring all of my attempts to discuss.

      • Then walk away from the table, for a time. You can make no headway now, no discussion is possible clearly. Take another break and revisit. Maybe his head clears. Maybe yours does. I think the latter might be something you need more than the former. To me you either break or continue to run headlong into a wall.

  1. OH Ann… been there done that. I read a great article on “The Hollistic Journey” about receiving what a man gives as opposed to what you and I have done.. If I find it I will put the link here. I agree he’s looking for you to bite… it takes a long time to just sit back and not respond. We should talk more, lol!

  2. At some point, Ann, you will be able to let go and be able to steer free of these hazardous, post – intimate relationship shoals. That may sound dismissive and flippant, but I assure you that I am being honest with you. Remaining friends after your hearts, bodies and souls have been intertwined and commingled is unrealistic for both of you. Remaining amicable and descent is a more realistic state of relationship for you to aspire to attain. You both share an emotional attachment that when all of the other subsequent events and decisions are added to the mixture, being friends (the way that you have been describing) is fraught with pitfalls.

    Resetting relationship expectations is in order. Just my -$.02 (yes, it isn’t worth the paper it isn’t printed on).

    • I agree – I do think perhaps it was naive of me to think that we could just be friends. I had my doubts, while he stated on his blog that it would work for him. I guess reality is very different from the theory…we both wanted to believe it would be possible.

  3. I know a lot of people say they want to “remain friends” and mean well when they split because the thought of going from something to nothing is difficult. I’ve done the same thing; one time I changed my mind after the “we can still be friends” discussion and cut the person out of my life within 12 hours, another time it took me six months. It was however long it took me to realize I could not have this person in my life at that time (and maybe even ever).

    I am sorry it has been so up and down, but if he is making this decision now to preserve his feelings, then you need to do the same and protect yourself.

    It is difficult, especially when you have reminders and connections online. I do get that, all too damn well. Maybe one day you can start talking again, but it is still so very soon and I think you both need to stand back and let the dust settle before resuming a friendship, acquaintanceship or nothing at all.

    Try to be gentle with yourself, though I know that is so much easier said than done.

    • Thank you so much. You are correct – time is probably the best thing here. And it’s such a different experience when everything I write is “public” and accessible to him. And vice versa, of course.

      I really appreciate the support.

  4. Don’t get me wrong but almost like he is trying to find a way out not to deal with his pain.
    Now To remain friends one should be able to contact each other period. and like you said when you got the time.
    I would have been a bit more of an ass saying, If you don’t want to contact me don’t.
    I feel you when it feels as if he is asking you if he must contact you. Like he needs a confirmation. and not come up with an idea himself.

    To keep it simple he either wants to or doesn’t. Friends or not. It is like he isn’t honest with himself in making his own choice.

    Big hugs Ann and sorry to hear it is going this way. Please be well and keep smiling.

    • Maybe he not honest with his feelings because he, himself, doesn’t really know. There is a difference between what one wants to be able to handle (and thinks can handle) and then actually can. And to not be able to handle it… that could be something he’s ashamed of. So instead of talking about it, he retreats. Not making excuses… just putting a kinder, softer spin on it. True or not, if you can think about in this way, perhaps it will make it a little less difficult for you to deal with.
      Hugs.

      • I absolutely agree with you, Marian. I don’t think there was an intent to deceive at all. But it’s hard to be on the receiving end of something you believe to be true, and so I act accordingly, and then the rug gets pulled out from under me.

        There is no malice in my heart. Just sadness, at this point.

    • I totally get what you are saying. I was a bit of an ass I think – saying if you want to contact me great, if not, then don’t. So I suppose he’s taking me up on that right now.

      It’s sometimes hard to be honest with ourselves when we really want it to work out – but the reality is not an easy thing to deal with.

  5. hmmmm, what do i think?… don’t give him anymore of your energy. he’s making it clear by the way he is treating you that you are not valued like you should be. texting you like he did was an asshole move, so much for learning from his prior outburst. I do know letting go is easier said than done, but he has made his point very clear by the way he has acted. the saying, “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” keeps coming to mind.

    that’s my 2 cents for what its worth… hugs and support might be of more value though, so I’m sending them too. 🙂

    xo

    • Thanks ‘Tis. I appreciate it. I was very very frustrated last night and first thing this morning. I’ve mellowed a bit now…I did hear back from him and will write about it when I get a chance. But there’s been no other contact, so not a whole lot I can do.

  6. I agree with the above responses. Get off the rollercoaster. We’re in our 40s for heavensake – didn’t we get this out of our systems years ago?? That’s not a criticism by the way, it’s just what I’m feeling lately about a lot of things. I’m in my 40s and all that stuff that used to get my blood pumping (not in a good way) and draw uncontrolled emotions out of me – I avoid it all costs now. (Not to say THAT’s healthy, but I just don’t want to deal with bull$hit anymore.) I feel your pain – I’ve been following your story for a few weeks or so now and have enjoyed the ride – and I’M starting to get stomach pains when I read what you’re dealing with. Virtual hugs to you!!

    • Thanks for sticking with my story but sorry about the stomach pains :/

      I do know how you feel, though. I don’t like the appearance of games. Trying to reach someone and being ignored. Totally feels like high school (or online dating).

  7. I think Johnny is right. I hate it, but I have been in his shoes, though I empathize with you both. He wants more, and he wants to know he is important. You want him in your life and feel you have shown he is important, but you want a different relationship without commitment, there is nothing wrong with that. But he is feeling insecure in the relationship so he wants more reassurance than you can provide right now. However, when you bring two people together with different goals it causes a lot of conflict. Being in a long distance relationship, the phone, and computer are your lifelines and your only way “connecting” with you. I suspect he feels rejected, and probably doesn’t know how to articulate it that well, and only “erupts” when the feelings get too much and then retreats, fights then flights. He also knows where your buttons are…feeling ignored he hits that to get your attention. However, that is just my very humble take on what is going on. But if you the two of you can’t come to an agreement where both your needs are met, I don’t see how you can continue without more of this. I tried what Johnny is doing, giving up my needs and desires so that I can have the man I love in my life no matter, in the end it made me resentful and angry…two things I don’t like to be, and it brought out the worst in me. I hope that you two can find a peaceful resolution…for both of you. You both are fantastic people.

    • I actually agree with you. I know that I am unwilling, frankly, to give him what he needs right now. Because I am not in a place where I am going to subsume my desires for someone elses. I simply MUST sort out my own shit, get stuff out of my system, etcetera. I can’t be what he wants, or give him what he needs. The distance is added stress, but the same would be true if we lived in the same city. He is not a villian nor a douchebag – far, far from it.

      • I dont think he is a villan. In fact, I sympathize with him. I have been in his shoes for the last two years where I tried to ignore my needs and give what I could. But it just made me bitter and resentful. I think recognizing you all want different things will save you from further heartache. I don’t think either one of you are bad people.

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  9. Came over here via TH’s blog – he’s a kind soul isn’t he! I have one bit of advice that I pretty much dole out to anyone who wants advice (and sometimes to those who don’t too!), it’s appropriate to a whole range of difficult times that people could be going through – “When the road of life makes you weary of walking, remember your wings.”

    • He is a kind soul indeed. Thank you for taking the time to come over to my blog, and for that advice – I’m sure to some I am coming across as foolish or selfish (or both!) but the bottom line is given where I’m at today, I have to take care of myself (and my son, of course) first.

  10. I’m here via The Hook and I can only say…I’ve been there. But the wisdom of living through it is now knowing it has shown me what I don’t want and that I deserve better. I hope your roller coaster ride hits a smooth patch soon. xx

    • Thank you very much – glad to meet you via The Hook. Sorry you went through something similar, and yes, I agree that although this may not be good situation, I will definitely learn from it.

      I appreciate the support!

  11. Onward and upward sunshine, its not meant to be (at this moment in time).

    People in general can be so confusing, but if you get some new entertainment in your life you won’t bother worrying about this issue any more. It’ll be a small blip on your daily radar 🙂

  12. Reblogged this on HarsH ReaLiTy and commented:
    I don’t normally reblog stuff like this, but since I habitually give my opinion on how crappy women can be I thought I would chime in on the other half. It is pretty clear to me just from the short post and the comments that this guy did not get the answer he wanted from you. You didn’t give him the level of “attention” he felt he deserved. So now he is butt hurt and doing the “make her feel bad technique” we men use ALL THE TIME. It is the oldest trick in the book because it is the easiest thing to do. Making women feel badly about themselves or their actions is second nature to men. That is why we do it… it makes us feel good. -OM
    Note: Comments disabled here, please comment on their post.
    Note II: Thanks for leaving the linkback Laura or I wouldn’t have gotten such an amusing read.

  13. Do like Ross and Rachel from ‘F.R.I.E.N.D.S’ and just go on a break (but make absolutely sure you’re both clear on that).

    Hope you get through this soon – I know you will 🙂

  14. I think a break for both of you is possibly a good thing.

    I don’t know or nor would I presume to know where Johnny’s head is at or how much his heart is hurting too.

    We all do, say and behave in weird ways when we love and have to let go.

    I think you both need to step away. Heal.

    If you want to have a semblance of any kind of friendship after this. You both love, but there’s no way fix to this. You both need to stop.

    You are both amazing creatures and I hate seeing the baggage you’re creating for each other.

    Love and more squishy hugs xxxx

    • You are absolutely right, Sharn. I don’t want this bad stuff to be the legacy of our relationship and I fear it might be. He’s said he doesn’t want to talk so he’s got his space now and hopefully can figure things out. He knows where to find me.

      • You know, we all say we want to be friends. Truth be told we all can’t be friends right after a break up. You need the time, the space, to work through everything and fix yourself before you can even embark on a friendship. I know my ex gf and I took about a year off from each other. And now we’re like best friends. I love her to bits. Just remember that what we want isn’t always achievable after such emotional turbulence. Give yourself and him the time to move past it first. xxx

          • You bloody liar lol we all know your other hard shell hides a squishy middle.

            And getting squishy with me is encouraged. Hugs also accepted. 🙂

          • You are calling me out! Ouch! 😉

            Outside of my family, I actually do have a cold exterior and people are baffled when I am discovered displaying compassion towards fellow members of humankind. I don’t want people to think that my heart for others is for personal gain. I love blessing people for the sake of sharing love, easing burdens and spreading compassion because it changes us all for the good. I seek no repayment, no gratitude, nothing in return. What I give is a gift, no strings attached. Too often, the recipients feel compelled to repay so I do what I can to remain anonymous unless the person in need is close to me and there is no avoiding discovery.

            Sadly, I am comprimising my own ideals by telling you this.

          • Believe it or not, I’m really very much the same. Maybe we were seperated at birth.

            I do what I do because people need me to do it. Not for any sense of personal gain or a IOU.

            And thank you, for letting me see your squishy bits 🙂

  15. Aloha , did you find your soul mate perhaps ? In Jonny..Mmm .. I feel you may have not healed yet from the marriage breakup .and it’s causing you to back away from anydeep commintment and the possible hurt that goes with it….you attract alot of time fillers (. Guys) along the way , I know it Helps the loneliness for a while but…still leaving you unfulfilled .. Jonny is hurt as he’s ready for deeper committed relationship with you , hence the test , he is asking how much do u care for me and hoping you can decide by feeling the loss.. You have to be able to make yourself vulnerable and that might be too hard for you at this point..best wishes…pop

        • We push relationships, but we don’t test in the way this commenter means. That is for women because men are generally too lazy, too stupid, and too egotistical to play relationship games. Which is why we resort to crude methods… Such as making women feel badly about themselves.

          I caught your comment above about being his first follower, etc and etc. I get you feel a connection, but here is the thing. I’ve been blogging for two years and I can’t count how many “love emails” I’ve received. People feel they know me because of similar reasons you feel you know this guy. Online is still online. And the easiest way to hook someone… Is online.

          • Thanks for clarifying the testing comment. I get where you are coming from.

            And just to clarify, for what it’s worth… I wasn’t his first follower. He’d been blogging for years before we found each other here. It didn’t start as love…but it ended up there. And we spent time together in person. He is not the predator that some have suggested – and I’m no neophyte when it comes to douchbag behavior.

          • That is encouraging to hear then. Obviously I’m jumping in midship, but it is kinda amusing to read these comments. Makes me wonder how many know what you just told me lol.

          • My regular readers who have been around for a while would know…the dude has his own page on my blog. It’s been quite a journey for the past 6 months. I have experience with fellow bloggers who are not what they seem – the cat fish, per se, of the blogging world – and it’s not the case with him at all.

            I’m liking your opinions! I’m going to have fun exploring your blog with some wine later today.

          • I personally don’t try to catfish people, but when they meet me and see a Jason Cushman that is Korean… well they generally assume they have been. Lmao 😉 Drink a glass or two for me.

    • Aloha! I definitely have not fully healed from my marriage. Not the breakup, so much, but the prior 15 years.

      It is not easy for me to be vulnerable. Never has been…I am used to self-protection.

      I hope you stay here for my journey 🙂

  16. I think he might be trying to tell you that he wants to resolve this in a way that would retain the close contact of your previous relationship … but is upset you don’t sound more enthusiastic about the idea.

  17. Wow…I see…however one becomes vulnerable when you commit as in marriage to one spouse as the relationship builds you can now be hurt deeply or deeper if the marriage falls apart….it’s more human nature not a requirement…we all test get a grip..

      • I agree there is a big difference…it’s a willingness to be vulnerable for the right mate..deciding on who right is , thats our challenge, …when you choose it still takes time but it’s a focused time on a mate because it is an important decision..when you find someone that rocks your world it warrants a close look..

  18. You seem a lovely strong lady, with a lot of love to give. Who likes to keep healthy boundaries…and not play silly mind games… WHO DOES like that??
    Have a lovely long browse over at Kim’s website. Kim speaks a lot about the power-play in relationships. She is AMAZINGLY insightful – here’s the link for you.
    http://letmereach.com/

    Take care

  19. Dearest Anne, witness the difference between someone who cares about you and actually wants to make you feel better – and someone who doesn’t. Read all the responses and comments above again. Can you feel the love? And your great pal, Hook, has made a point to request that all his readers send you some love. Can you feel the love?
    When someone wants you to be a part of their life story, they make it a point to invite you in and make it easy for you to stay. When someone doesn’t – you get the picture.
    Your energy, time and care would be much better spent on healing yourself, investing in your well-being and making yourself happier. First off, get off the roller coaster ride. Because that is a choice you can make. That is up to you. Get yourself centered again, and come back stronger and better for you. Sending you light, love, joy and peace. Big hugs x

  20. Is there anything I can do? And I’m not trying to be cheeky or inappropriate or cute. I mean that sincerely. You don’t think it’s ever going to end but it does. It always does.

    Curious about the stage performance.

  21. I was ‘Johnny’. For a while I pulled all the stunts he has been with you. I see through his fine words because I’ve used them too.

    He’s got someone else on the go that’s giving him the feeling he wants. He had a string of them before you arrived on his scene. There will be plenty of others after you too. In all probability there is one now, one that he was grooming before you.

    I call it the Pussy Pipeline. There are 4 stages to it with ‘banging’ being the final phase. Somebody else now seems ready for that phase.

    The guy is a sexual predator feeding and stroking his bruised, fragile ego. In psychopathic fashion her cares not for the harm he inflicts. In fact he gets a little kick out of the anguished cries of scorned lovers; it heightens his sense of power.

    That used to be me.

    I like to think that those days are behind me…

    • I’m sure you will say I’m naive…and perhaps he has met someone, but what you describe is not him at all. He’s been blogging for 6 years, I’ve read all his stuff. I know this guy and was the first person he had ever met that had read his blog – my point being, what he wrote for many years was not censored. My gut knows when I’ve come across a man like you describe. And it’s not Johnny Id.

    • It all makes sense to me. I know him and I know that he prefers words to verbal conversations, because he can be more careful. I know why he needs time and space. I know what I have done to hurt him. This is not a one-sided situation at all.

      But having it make sense doesn’t mean it’s easy for me to deal with, or that I like it.

    • We’ve had phone calls too, just to clarify.

      I have to believe (as naive as it might be) that this is a temporary break. A pause. But I also recognize I’m the one probably doing more hurting, than being hurt (it’s all relative – it still hurts, a lot), which could make a difference.

      Time will tell.

  22. Swung over here via Hookie…. I’m sorry it is so hard Ann. I have a friend going through a similar situation and she has asked my advice which will not apply to your guy but I hope you can figure out what to do. My issue is with the texting and not “talking” which you guys DO have in common. It is not a good form of communication when it is all you do. You don’t hear voice inflection..see body language and things can be taken the wrong way. If he is worth the trouble, try and work it out, if he isn’t…. move on. Life is too short to play games. 🙂

    • Hi Courtney! Thanks for stopping by. I couldn’t agree with you more; I dislike texting for any real conversations. Johnny preferred it because he could think about what he wrote. But it is a poor communication medium, no doubt. We spoke on the phone and Skyped regularly, so I did get to know his intonation and phrasing…but still.

      • I loathe texting as a genuine communication vehicle. For quick, one- two word response it is fine. I have a relative who uses it as his ONLY means of communication. I delete his texts because of their cumbersome nature.

  23. Been thinking about you all week, Ann and so sorry that I’ve been MIA in my reading.
    I hate this for you. I’m glad you write about it and hope that some of the outpouring helps. I can’t even imagine the unrest you must feel. Hugs!

  24. (dropped in by way of Hook’s)
    Don’t place this game. Ugly power trips/guilt trips are not healthy.
    It is what it is.
    People are responsible for themselves.
    Difficult as it may be, block and back off.
    You deserve better and it’s out there – but not if this one dominates your energy and attention.
    Baby steps but find more positive energies and people/events/ activities that make you smile….even little steps in that direction will allow you to grow
    (and take care to eat healthy, take a walk outside, and nap…naps always good.)
    Hope you find new adventures and this fades from memory quickly. (Know it’s easier said than done – but you can do this. Really. )

  25. Sent over by Hook …. sometimes stepping away from the pieces as they fall allows you to see things more clearly. Stop driving yourself crazy over something that is out of your control. Easer said than done, but it works.

  26. Hello, I was reading the daily Hook intrigue and he said to come here. Interesting dilemma. Seems like you are an intelligent lady with a lot going for you, not sure why you would worry about someone who treats you so poorly. Interesting comments and advice here though, everyone apparently has been through something similar. Let it go, let it heal and move forward because better things are ahead. We weren’t put on this Earth to be fucked around by people. Happiness is the ultimate goal, if you are not there now, move forward and it will find you! All the best wishes.

  27. SOme sorry-assed folks just can’t get it right. We all know some and in my case, once or twice i was the jerk too. I never got over being the jerk. Dump me, I’m ok in 3-6months, be the jerk and dump someone else, nope i never got over it if the lady was nice. I won’t do that again. It took ages to figure it out. The “right” person is NEVER there unless YOU ARE RIGHT yourself.

What do you think?