Yup, while I’m working on thinking about what I’m thankful for this week, right now I just feel…a whole lot of nothing.
- The morning I chose to go to work a bit late, so instead of jumping out of bed first thing, cuddling with my son and reading a book together.
- Laughing until I cried with one of my employees, about something I can’t even remember anymore.
- Giving an amazing presentation on the strategy for my new department.
- Being told I was “smart and hot”.
- Enjoying the delight and anticipation a friend is feeling about a potential new lover.
- Reaching 500 followers on this here blog.
- Having a few close friends proactively reach out to make sure I am okay.
- Hanging out in the schoolyard on Friday with other parents while my son was at a sports practice, and getting the guts up to ask a fellow single parent whether he contacted my friend Katharine after they hooked up (yes, I knew he didn’t…and I enjoyed on her behalf listening to him try to explain why).
- Thinking my furnace was broken, but it’s producing heat at the moment. Okay, that’s perhaps a stretch, but not adding to my list of things to do is a really good thing.
- Working for 13 days straight.
- Being asked to take my ex-dog, which I really don’t want to do, but am afraid of the shit storm to follow when I say no.
- Not having Johnny Id to talk to about the everyday stuff (we took a break from communicating).
- Having to work late Friday night due to a major work crisis, and therefore missing a very close friend’s birthday party; my only free night for socializing all week.
- Being reminded the various ways that grown men are douchebags, or immature, or non-communicative, or egotistical, or cowards.
- My son telling me he hated me, after I lost my temper and yelled at him.
- My son telling me when I yelled at him it made him feel like I hated him. That was probably the worst thing in this whole list.
- My ex not coming back for six weeks (until the end of October), and my son telling me how much he misses his Daddy.
- Waking up alone on a Saturday morning when all I really wanted was a great fuck and to be held.
- Knowing that I should have already gone to the gym and finished shopping for things I need and yet I’m still in my slippers and bathrobe, feeling sad, and not actually wanting to talk to anyone about it.
Johnny and I agreed to talk today. I don’t know what he’s going to say. I don’t know what I’m going to say…but I can tell you, I’m not in my happy place right now.
I get my son back later today (he’s with my Mother, and then with Will’s Dad) and then we are doing to take my Mom out for her birthday. So, there will be light at the end of this melancholy tunnel. Tomorrow it will be just him and me and I plan to take him to an amusement park and ride the rides until we puke. Hopefully not literally.