Saturday melancholy.

Yup, while I’m working on thinking about what I’m thankful for this week, right now I just feel…a whole lot of nothing.

Good things:

  • The morning I chose to go to work a bit late, so instead of jumping out of bed first thing, cuddling with my son and reading a book together.
  • Laughing until I cried with one of my employees, about something I can’t even remember anymore.
  • Giving an amazing presentation on the strategy for my new department.
  • Being told I was “smart and hot”.
  • Enjoying the delight and anticipation a friend is feeling about a potential new lover.
  • Reaching 500 followers on this here blog.
  • Having a few close friends proactively reach out to make sure I am okay.
  • Hanging out in the schoolyard on Friday with other parents while my son was at a sports practice, and getting the guts up to ask a fellow single parent whether he contacted my friend Katharine after they hooked up (yes, I knew he didn’t…and I enjoyed on her behalf listening to him try to explain why).
  • Thinking my furnace was broken, but it’s producing heat at the moment. Okay, that’s perhaps a stretch, but not adding to my list of things to do is a really good thing.

Shit things:

  • Working for 13 days straight.
  • Being asked to take my ex-dog, which I really don’t want to do, but am afraid of the shit storm to follow when I say no.
  • Not having Johnny Id to talk to about the everyday stuff (we took a break from communicating).
  • Having to work late Friday night due to a major work crisis, and therefore missing a very close friend’s birthday party; my only free night for socializing all week.
  • Being reminded the various ways that grown men are douchebags, or immature, or non-communicative, or egotistical, or cowards.
  • My son telling me he hated me, after I lost my temper and yelled at him.
  • My son telling me when I yelled at him it made him feel like I hated him. That was probably the worst thing in this whole list.
  • My ex not coming back for six weeks (until the end of October), and my son telling me how much he misses his Daddy.
  • Waking up alone on a Saturday morning when all I really wanted was a great fuck and to be held.
  • Knowing that I should have already gone to the gym and finished shopping for things I need and yet I’m still in my slippers and bathrobe, feeling sad, and not actually wanting to talk to anyone about it.

Johnny and I agreed to talk today. I don’t know what he’s going to say. I don’t know what I’m going to say…but I can tell you, I’m not in my happy place right now.

I get my son back later today (he’s with my Mother, and then with Will’s Dad) and then we are doing to take my Mom out for her birthday. So, there will be light at the end of this melancholy tunnel. Tomorrow it will be just him and me and I plan to take him to an amusement park and ride the rides until we puke. Hopefully not literally.

0 thoughts on “Saturday melancholy.

  1. Here’s hoping the rest of the today goes well. Amusement parks are the best, some of the best mom-kid memories we have are riding rides until others puked 🙂 (not because they puked, but you get it…)

    • Yes, totally agree. I have a great story about a ride my son insisted I take him on last year, which would scare the pants of most grownups. Perhaps I will write about that when I have a minute. I really should keep a list…I find myself saying “oh I should write about that” quite a bit.

      • Definitely! I remember being so very glad when I realized my son was a coaster enthusiast like me. We would get season passes so standing in line forever to ride the front car of certain rides was OK since we could come back whenever 🙂

  2. Oh honey, I’m just so sorry about all this..and that there is so much “this.” Even though I don’t talk about it, unfortunately, I understand much of that second list all too well. You are strong, beautiful and resilient…I have no doubt that this will pass.
    Hang in and PLEASE drop me a note if you need anything.
    Michelle

  3. If you get a chance, read Freud’s theories on the phases a child goes through while growing up. It’s not at all uncommon as your child grows for him/her go through a phase where they retreat and say things like, “I hate you.” Based upon the genetic programming from caveman days, children had to learn to stand on their own two feet and survive on their own. While, children today this is not normally a problem, we are programmed to be like this for self-preservation. Like how does a dog know to turn around several times before lying down or lift his leg to pee? Once your kid becomes his own person, then he will come back to you. Grit your teeth and know that it’s just a phase that children go through while they are becoming an adult.

  4. Consuming spirits. wait you can eat ghosts? wow that would be so cool for upcoming Halloween.
    Or is that more like a genie in a bottle. Not making a wish till you reach the bottom and than pass out over the bed.

    Cheer up love, we are ll here with our pompoms cheering you on ooh yeah. no the men do not wear the skirts. we are men in tights or something other.

    Keep that smile you have now, it suits you best beautiful *wink* Have a wonderful evening..

  5. Ann,
    You’re a smart, sassy, sexy woman who is a hero to her son, friends and followers. (All moms her “I hate you!” from time to time.)
    I wish I could return the favor and cheer you up as you did when you sent me a care package this summer. You really are the greatest, Ann. Don’t forget it.
    Your fan, friend and follower,
    Robert.

  6. Hang in there, today is my refuse to get out of PJ’s and mope around the house day.

    Plus I’m procrastinating.

    Be kind to yourself and good luck with finding a wee bit of light!

  7. I love that your son is so similar to mine and can express, to the core, how something we do makes them feel. As hard as it is to hear, it’s that uncanny perception of theirs isn’t it? And they are upfront about stating it in the moment…if only we could learn from them. {{hugs}}

    It’s strange isn’t it? Sometimes, no matter how awesome the “blessed” list is on any given day or week or month, a handful of things on the shit list can color the filter. I realize I’m a week late to the party (post) but you know me, I couldn’t pass this by without a comment or two.

What do you think?