OMG Psychology Today – how did you see inside my marriage?

Full props to Psychology Today – whose online site I leveraged quite a bit in the last year of my marriage. Today my Mom sent me a link to an article about children, and I found myself researching other topics as well.

I found an article that REALLY resonated with me. Here’s a list of questions – have a read and think about whether you answer “yes” to any of them:

Men:

  • Does it feel like your wife or girlfriend pushes your buttons?
  • Does she have a way of putting you in a bad mood?
  • Are there times when you don’t want to speak to her or be around her?

  • Do you feel like you overlook a lot or swallow a lot, until you can’t stand it anymore?
  • Does she frequently “do things the wrong way?”
  • Can you be having a nice time and then out of nowhere she says or does something to set you off?
  • Are you sometimes on edge about having a bad or unpleasant evening?
  • Does it feel like you have to criticize her for not being more efficient, reliable, or a better person?
  • Does it feel like she makes you yell or shut down when you really don’t want to raise your voice or be in a bad mood at all?
  • Do you treat her in ways you couldn’t have imagined when you first started loving her?

Women:

  • Do you sometimes make your man feel like a failure as a provider, partner, parent, or lover?
  • Do you feel like you have to tell him the same thing over and over and over?
  • Does he tell you that you sometimes yell and scream or lash out at him?
  • Do your girlfriends ever remark that you might treat him badly?
  • Do you automatically blame him when things go wrong?
  • Do you resort to name-calling, swearing at him, or putting him down?
  • Do you demean or belittle him in front of other people or your children?
  • Do you threaten to take his children away so he will never see them?
  • Are you often jealous and want to know where he is at all times?
  • Would your family and friends be surprised to know how you treat him behind closed doors?

Did you answer “yes” to any of those questions?? Make your way way over to The Article (I’m hiding the name so as not to give you a hint as to what answering the questions are all about…don’t cheat by hovering).

Curious what you think!!

0 thoughts on “OMG Psychology Today – how did you see inside my marriage?

  1. goodness, that gave me chills. While I now know how toxic my marriage was, the old saying still stands. Hindsight is 20/20. Sadly, I can’t answer for my ex, but I do know what for sure that I was 100% just as guilty of emotional abuse as he was. He’d never admit it, but then narcissist never own up. It is sad how much abuse we allow our loved ones to get away with and how we’ll take no crap from strangers.

    • I too was really shocked – reading it made me think of my marriage…and also some other relationships I’ve been in. While many others have suggested my Ex was emotionally abusive, I always thought it was overblown. Not anymore.

      Normally I wouldn’t post something that isn’t my content – but given how much it spoke to me, I thought I would make an exception.

      I’m sorry it resonated with you as well.

      • no worries dear, it never hurts to get some education, regardless of the subject or where it comes from. I know this knowledge will give you the tools for your next relationship. being smarter is the power to avoid being hurt again. I’ve dipped my toe in the kiddy pool again, taking it uber slow, friendship first. I’m hyper aware. also I linked a post back to you, traffic may increase. hope that’s ok.

  2. Luckily, I didn’t answer yes to any of those except the “over and over” one. The man couldn’t do anything without me telling him to donut first, he was such an adolescent. Ha.

    PS: DID YOU GET THIS? lol

  3. I read the article, and it is eye opening. I liked how they linked emotional abuse with lack of compassion. That is an interesting parallel that I hadn’t really thought of before. It made me think of my own situation and I think sometimes I see compassion as a sign of weakness, in reality compassion is sign of strength. The lashing out emotionally to others, I believe can sometimes be seen as a defense device. Not that I think it is right, but just something I was thinking of as I was reading the article. Great thought provoking post, Ann! 🙂

  4. Which begs the question of why don’t we have compassion for ourselves? The baseline is we’re all messed up to various degrees from obsessing over the toilet paper going over the top, or under the bottom of the roll, to garden-variety megalomania on a Kardashian-scale of 114 out of 10.

    We were never taught that to have any kind of relationship with another human takes a lot of work: Every day, sometimes every hour you have to work at it, to keep from sliding into resentment and ’emotional abuse’ as noted in the article. Relationships take a crapload of very conscious, painstaking work and if you aren’t willing to put the effort and time in, then a relationship develops the nasty habits of ‘she’s controlling’ or ‘he treats me like dirt’.

    The corollary is that if you don’t like/love and accept yourself at an elemental level, how do you expect to like/love anyone else in the way they deserve and have them reflect that back to you in a way you deserve? That takes even more work, self-reflection and self-examination at a very messy, unpleasant and contradictory level that most humans don’t want to approach even with professional supervision and an unlimited Rx pad.

    For some of the conflict, you just have to say “Eff that” and either accept it or ignore it (toilet roll issue OCD for example) or get the hell out (Kardashian-scale megalomania) and run away, plus all of the shades between the two extremes above.

    And about all you can hope for is 7/10. Anything over 5/10 is a win for both. Nobody said it was easy, but when it works, it’s really good.

  5. I had a cold chill as I read your post because my ex would have answered yes to every question. I knew where your post was going. I am sooooo happy to be free. When I told him we were done, he tried to persuade me to stay but not once did he try to woo me with words of love. Instead he insulted and belittled me. Good riddance! Thank you, Ann, for this great post that once again validates my decision.

  6. It’s interesting and eye opening in a few ways. Not only in my relationship with my DH but my son and the “disconnect” that can accompany being (ok a marker) on the spectrum. I’ve long speculated that DH is undiagnosed, and much of that speculation has been based on the knowledge gained as our son has been working through pragmatic language therapies and social integration. thank you for sharing!

What do you think?