March 1987 | Another boy, another breakup

I have pulled all of my diaries (at least the ones from age 14 onwards) out of storage and am digging my way through them. They are mortifying and intriguing and insightful all at the same time.

I found one from 1987 and was browsing through it last week. A sheet of lined pink paper floated out and I found a copy of a letter I wrote to a boyfriend I had, named Chris.

“Lady in Red” by Chris DeBurgh was the #1 single at the time.  I know this because I carefully cut out the top 40 list and pasted it onto a page.

Nowhere in my journal did I mention that Chris actually had lied to me about his last name and his age. He was younger than he said. I don’t think he treated me very well. This was written during the time I was ostracised by my classmates, so I suppose I was particularly vulnerable.

I cringed when I read this because I see some patterns here that I still get caught in. I’m starting to wonder whether this is a lesson I’m ever going to learn. On the other hand, I’m much less apologetic about telling someone how I’m feeling, and on some level, know that most grown-ups don’t really change all that much.

But take a look…do you see any similarities to any of my stories here?

I was 13.

Chris,

I’m pretty confused and I want you to listen to what I say, don’t let it pass over your head, I’m serious. When you called me after not hearing from you for two weeks, I was pretty glad because I thought you really didn’t give a shit about me.

Lately, whenever I call you, you’re always “just going out” somewhere with friends, family, or cousins, or when you call me you’re at a dance or you’ve already gone out somewhere. Now I know I don’t have that good timing, to always call you at the exact moment you’re leaving.

Now I don’t want to say you’re always lying because I know you will talk me out of my feelings. I know this from previous experience with you. But I must say I have many doubts about you and your supposed ex-girlfriend Andrea, and if you really do lie, and even care about my feelings!

Now I don’t want to sound like the bitch you probably think I am, but I feel shitty when you treat me like dirt, you don’t take my feelings into thought, and when I don’t tell you how I feel.

Here’s the real problem. I love you quite a bit. Hey, who knows, maybe it’s just your body. But hey, I like you too for the kind of guy I’m pretty sure you can be. I know you are capable of being sweet, caring, etc. but why do you refuse to let yourself?

I also can’t stand the feeling that you’re not making any effort to spend time with me, and I can’t stand the way you treated my feelings the last time I told you not to patronize me. I love you for who you can be and if you really want it to work out I really think we can make it (and make out).

Love,

Ann

0 thoughts on “March 1987 | Another boy, another breakup

  1. Can I ask you about your father? You haven’t spoken of your relationship with him that I could remember or much about him as a person. Is that something you feel comfortable writing about? I ask, because my relationship with both my father and stepfather shaped the way I look at men and how I choose personality wise the men I’m attracted to. Hope your trip to the amusement park turns out well, a fun is had by all.

    • I should write about him; I think I have only mentioned peripherally a few things. He cheated on my mom, regularly, starting when she was pregnant with me. He moved away for a year after they split. I was 7 (again, sound familiar!?). I never felt like I was good enough in his eyes.

      We have a way better relationship now but it took a long time to get there. It definitely shaped how I think about men…no doubt in my mind.

  2. I think there’s a lot we can blame our fathers for but it’s good learning our own buttons.

    I know I seem to make the same mistakes with men over and over again so I’m taking this time to fix myself. Or at least try to.

    • I agree…my childhood and father definitely affected me, as it does everyone, but it does no good to look backwards. It’s helpful to know why…but better is figuring out how not to repeat past mistakes.

          • Quieter it is.

            I miss the sex. Just not enough to let the amount of stupid men messaging me into my life though.

            Surely there’s men out there with a brain that also want to shag? Although with the rate it’s going I’m starting to think they are like unicorns…

          • Yes…I was complaining to a guy recently that it seems very few men can wrap their brains around the fact that some women can be professional, smart, serious, etc… and also want to shag like rabbits.

            As soon as they hear the latter, the former is totally forgotten. Hmm. I should add this to the list of things I want to write about.

          • Oh yes you should!

            I think I’ll be ranting soon enough! I already changed my profile to state that no cis- straight male should contact me. Hopefully that weeds out more idiots!

  3. “who knows, maybe it’s just for your body” haha…oh that made me giggle.

    I can’t stand looking back at my old diaries. You’re very daring in my opinion.

  4. I remember some girl I met a years ago that trusted me her problems. They were basically about her boyfriend (violent, macho stereotype, selfish, cheater, without a career, etcetera) and after two years hearing her (she is smart although she has an obsession with feminism, she’s not my type but have good looks, is good professional, etcetera) I came to the conclusion that simply she intimately liked the violence, indifference and maltreatment from him because she believe she deserves it. I cut my friendship to let her be happy in her own way.
    I hope it’s not your situation, Ann. Or at least I hope you are toward your happiness and simply you put much more heart in your relationships.

    • That’s a difficult situation, for sure…I believe for me, there are patterns (not good ones) that are familiar and therefore comforting at some level. But I’m working through separating the desire for male attention and letting it end with me being treated badly. I don’t think I can make the desire go away, but I can change my reaction to it.

  5. Somewhere in a box, or a drawer, or a desk, are the diaries I wrote when I was a teenager. I dipped back into them once … and ever since I’ve sworn I really must get round to destroying them. They paint neither a pretty picture of myself or adolescence. (Not, I suspect, that my current blog is much of an improvement.)

  6. My journals have proven to be an endless source of fascination and embarrassment. Mostly the latter, if I’m being honest. Beware. They can suck you in and sometimes remind you of things better left forgotten. It’s Pandora’s Box for sure.

    • I like reading your posts based on your journals 🙂

      Right now mine are in a big stack on my desk. There are a few stories I know I’m going to pull from them (another breakup story, and 2 threesomes – it’s not all bad). But there’s an awful lot that’s hard to read.

What do you think?