I have pulled all of my diaries (at least the ones from age 14 onwards) out of storage and am digging my way through them. They are mortifying and intriguing and insightful all at the same time.
I found one from 1987 and was browsing through it last week. A sheet of lined pink paper floated out and I found a copy of a letter I wrote to a boyfriend I had, named Chris.
“Lady in Red” by Chris DeBurgh was the #1 single at the time. I know this because I carefully cut out the top 40 list and pasted it onto a page.
Nowhere in my journal did I mention that Chris actually had lied to me about his last name and his age. He was younger than he said. I don’t think he treated me very well. This was written during the time I was ostracised by my classmates, so I suppose I was particularly vulnerable.
I cringed when I read this because I see some patterns here that I still get caught in. I’m starting to wonder whether this is a lesson I’m ever going to learn. On the other hand, I’m much less apologetic about telling someone how I’m feeling, and on some level, know that most grown-ups don’t really change all that much.
But take a look…do you see any similarities to any of my stories here?
I was 13.
I’m pretty confused and I want you to listen to what I say, don’t let it pass over your head, I’m serious. When you called me after not hearing from you for two weeks, I was pretty glad because I thought you really didn’t give a shit about me.
Lately, whenever I call you, you’re always “just going out” somewhere with friends, family, or cousins, or when you call me you’re at a dance or you’ve already gone out somewhere. Now I know I don’t have that good timing, to always call you at the exact moment you’re leaving.
Now I don’t want to say you’re always lying because I know you will talk me out of my feelings. I know this from previous experience with you. But I must say I have many doubts about you and your supposed ex-girlfriend Andrea, and if you really do lie, and even care about my feelings!
Now I don’t want to sound like the bitch you probably think I am, but I feel shitty when you treat me like dirt, you don’t take my feelings into thought, and when I don’t tell you how I feel.
Here’s the real problem. I love you quite a bit. Hey, who knows, maybe it’s just your body. But hey, I like you too for the kind of guy I’m pretty sure you can be. I know you are capable of being sweet, caring, etc. but why do you refuse to let yourself?
I also can’t stand the feeling that you’re not making any effort to spend time with me, and I can’t stand the way you treated my feelings the last time I told you not to patronize me. I love you for who you can be and if you really want it to work out I really think we can make it (and make out).