I was kicked off the roller coaster. And it's a good thing.

Thank you from my bottom of my heart to all of you who took the time to comment on my post yesterday. It means so much to me to be supported (and challenged!) by so many. And my goodness, Hook, you really did me a solid. Your readers took your “call to arms” to heart…and it’s really lovely.

And thanks for the vacation tips too. I’m hoping to book something this week. Hedonism II is pretty tempting but I don’t want to go alone…

After I put my post up yesterday I checked my work email, and there was a note from Johnny which he had sent in the middle of the night. Now, I’m sure that email is the reason my administrative assistant was being particularly nice to me yesterday (since she monitors my inbox) but that’s another story.

The email said – basically – the situation sucked and he can’t be my friend. He can’t be reminded I’m not enough for him (his words), that I don’t want to be with him, and hang out with me while I do my thing with other people.

Yes, this is a reversal of many many prior conversations and things he’s written. He even wrote a blog post about how he can compartmentalize – put me in the “friend” box, per se – and then no problem. Well, obviously the lid on the friend box isn’t closed tight, and I keep escaping into the “girlfriend” box in his brain.

Of course. Of course it’s not that easy. It was naive and optimistic for me to ever think it would be possible. Of course it helped me feel better about the decision I made. Perhaps at some point in the future, we can be just friends. But not today. And that is what most of you amazing people counselled me yesterday. Give it time, give him space, just walk away.

I responded back, stating I didn’t appreciate him lobbing that text message to me and then subsequently ignoring me. But I also wanted him to know that I do want him in my life. I don’t think that he wasn’t “enough for me”.

Sure, it’s a bit about him, but it’s mostly about me and where I am today.

He did email me back. He said he was taking his time to respond so he didn’t say something he would regret (which is such a trigger for me), or something that would get quoted on my blog (who, me?!), and that the reason he ignored me was because he wasn’t in a place for conversations. He’s trying to understand where he is and what he needs. He said he needed time and space.

I got that email whilst having dinner with Katharine and our children. She said DO NOT respond. I thought about it for a while, and decided to simply say: You know where to find me if / when you want to talk. I will miss you. I already do.

Time will tell, I suppose. It always does.

0 thoughts on “I was kicked off the roller coaster. And it's a good thing.

  1. I am glad you found some sort of closure. Like I mentioned before, we say one thing but as time goes on, minutes hours days whatever, we discover what really works. That will happen in this stage too, one way or another.

  2. Ann,

    I am noting that you are making a gradual shift due to the unrealized expectations. You are making incremental course changes.

    Love is a powerful sensation that affects us emotionally and physiologically. The connection is deep-rooted and for any of us to suggest that you make a simple decision to “get over” him any other (seemingly) dismissive (of this connection) remark is foolhardy. There are some out there who can cut the ties and move on without bearing the load that you are currently bogged down with. Most of us are so connected to our love and lover that, regardless of the pain both inflict upon us, the love tie remains. It takes time to transition to something more platonic (but the love ties never fully dissolve).

    It took my parents nearly 40 years learn this. They can be in the same room and have very heartfelt discussions. My mother’s husband of 30 years died a few months ago following a rapid battle with cancer and at a recent birthday gathering for one of my kids, my father showed compassion toward my mother that I have NEVER seen before. I know that the love he had for my mother when they were young was still there through the divorce and the years following. It fueled an anger and bitterness toward her. I could go into what my mother is dealing with in the loss of her love, but that is a different, yet related perspective.

    Ann, time and setting proper expectations is what will determine how you and Johnny transition (heal). Take all of the time that you need and change your attention to the needs of the day. Allow yourself to enjoy something small and insignificant. Escape to your vacation.

    You’re making progress! Keep it up!

  3. Lady I am totes serious about that vaca-where are we going?

    I’m sure his email felt like salt in a wound, but even as adults we can be ridiculously selfish. That’s what his email was. So he’s allowed to get all of his feelings out (which he knew would hurt you) but you’re not allowed to respond? Of course you could have, but he knew you wouldn’t. It’s just all very…manipulative. I don’t know Johnny aside for his blog, and and I don’t you outside of yours, but this just sounds like a case of “you hurt me so now I’m going to try and hurt you worse.”

  4. Don’t hold his email against him. He is really hurting too and as much as I think he wants to be your friend, right now he can’t. And that’s not really something I can condemn him or you for. Logically we all want to be friends after a break up. Emotionally that’s not always possible.

    I’m glad that you feel like you’ve gotten some semblance of closure and you feel that you’ve made the right decision.

    • I don’t hold his email against him, really. I get that he’s hurting – it’s quite obvious to me. I simply find the back-and-forth frustrating. And I don’t like the thought that I may not hear from him again.

      • Hang in there sweetheart. I’m glad to hear you aren’t. I realize how frustrating it must be but I also understand that he is trying to swim through all his emotions right now too to keep his head above water.

        I think after you’ve both glued your hearts back together you might find that door reopens. It might not be in a month or a few months or even a year. But I somehow don’t think it will be forever.

  5. Rollercoasters are exciting for a time, but after a while they make you sick and hurt your head (and heart). There are other rides out there that you can enjoy once your feeling yourself again.

  6. Hedonism is awesome, been twice and loved it. Count me in for a quick trip.

    I think he’s hurt. He’s acting out. And he’s acting out using the same thing that brought you together: his words. It started with emails and it makes sense it might end that way….I really do think in time, with healing, he will come around.

    I admire your strength. Hang in there darling.

  7. Off topic, but I would like to say that I admire the way you manage to be the first comment at the Bloggess’ place most of the time. I don’t know if it’s magic, dedication, or both, but I like it. And roller coasters? Never liked ’em much myself. I always found motorcycles to be much more fun, and much less likely to make me want to throw up. Good luck and best wishes.

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