I was going to ask my audience…but I already made my decision.

I’m not sure when I last referenced it, but Johnny Id and I have been trying to sort out what’s next for us, ever since “the big event” a few weeks ago. We had agreed to just be friends and I wrote about it in my #TeamAJ…moving forward post.

When I was really angry last week, it ended with him getting angry and hurt in response and we decided at that point it might be better to take a bit of a break from speaking to one another. No contact, for 5 days.

You also may have seen that he left WordPress. He’s kept his blog up (thank goodness; none of my links would work!) and transferred his information to Blogspot and is blogging over there now. He said he would stop reading my blog, but he hasn’t done that yet.

Anyway. We spoke on Saturday. For long enough that I missed seeing my friend Katharine – who was slightly irritated but understanding. We had agreed to just be friends before, and we reiterated that decision. At the end of the day, everything else aside, I can’t give him what he wants and needs right now. Period. He’s ready for something more – he wants closed and exclusive – and I’m not there yet.

While I could focus just on that problem – the crazy long distance and the different places we are in – there is a second problem for me. It’s the red flags I witnessed through our few debacles, and some of the realities of our differences. I was given reassurances that they are transitory, exacerbated by distance, etcetera etcetera, but at the end of the day, those concerns are there.

So. There it is. We are done.

We will still stay in touch but not as often. I’m sure at some point I will read about him with some other woman (not that he is looking for it, he says…but I’m not a moron), and I’ll just have to deal with it. The reverse is definitely true. He seems better able to compartmentalize than I. The way I protect myself is to shut down and shut off…to just not care anymore. Not exactly conducive to a romantic relationship.

Perhaps at some point in the future, when he gets his life together, and I figure out what I need and want, it might work for us. It might not.

Do I know that by making this decision, I may be walking away from a great love? Yes.

Do I know that I may regret this for the rest of my life? Yes.

Do I know that I may never find another guy who treated me the way he did, even from 5,000 miles away? Yes.

But you know what? That’s the risk I have to take.

You may be wondering what this post title was referencing. Well, you see, on Saturday we talked about my potentially still coming to visit him next month. He lives in an amazing place I haven’t been to in many years. We would have a great time together. I really need a vacation. The sex would be awesome and plentiful.

I decided last night not to go. Not just because my Mom and a close friend told me it was a bad idea. But because I can see it would be difficult to experience a great vacation, for us to bond even more, knowing I’m not changing my mind. How would either of us feel if the next week we read about the other having sex with someone else? Or – perhaps worse – before?

So…of course I’d still like to know what you think.

I’m still going to go on vacation that week – the first week of November – and my ideal criteria would be sun, heat, fun, and lots of amazing sex. Any suggestions?

60 thoughts on “I was going to ask my audience…but I already made my decision.

  1. Wow, as tough as I know that decision is for you, you seem very certain in it. I agree with you about the vacation part, if you and Johnny want different things it would just add more to the heartache both of you are going through. I have been in a long distance relationship with someone for well 20 months now. I want a commitment and he is not willing to give me one. So, I would see him over and over hoping that eventually we would bond enough and things would change. However, I was left hurting more after each visit, and it made it harder and harder for me to enjoy the times we had together as my anger and resentment grew. I finally said no to no more visits. Which has been the best decision and so freeing, and I have felt so much better. Though saying no was extremely difficult. You are actually doing Johnny a big favor (and yourself), even if he doesn’t realize it by being honest with him and not continuing when you know you can’t give him what he needs. That takes a lot of courage to do. So kudos to you. 🙂 I know that was a difficult decision.

    • I’m sorry to hear your experience didn’t end well, but it seems you made the decision that was right for you.

      Thank you for saying it’s courageous. It doesn’t feel that way right now…but perhaps it will in the future. And yes, it was a difficult decision, absolutely.

  2. I can only wish you the very best in the decisions you make going forward and the hope that you find that happiness you seek. I hate to admit that I know exactly how you both feel, I spent quite some time working on a relationship with a woman and struggled myself with wanting exclusive and wanting to move ahead only to find that she was definitely not. I couldn’t accept the other so I wished her well… Still massaging the scars…

    • Ack. Sorry to hear about that. I know that I want something exclusive – just not right now. And even that aside, I just need to sort my own shit out first; it will make me a far better partner when I’m ready.

      Sorry about those scars. There are some oils that could help?

  3. I think you made the right choice… And I also think you should be sure to let me know if you find a vacation destination that includes fun, heat, and amazing sex. I could use a vacation like that!

  4. Ann,

    I guess that a vacation to my location is out and for several reasons:
    1-2) I live in region that has amazing summers. The remainder of the year, it has a notorious reputation for less than sunny weather (to put it mildly). Heat is a relevant term. If you compared this region to say, Northern Wisconsin in December, then yes, it would be HOT here. Sun? We like to keep it a secret that our November – February months can be and have been considerably sunny. Lord knows I have logged some lengthy distances on my bicycle in November, January, and February. But, there is that whole “heat’ criteria thing.
    3) While I know that I would jump at the chance for wild and amazing sex with you (which says a lot, especially never having seen you – but your mind is incredibly alluring!). However, there is this situation that I would NEVER subject to misgivings, trust destruction, deception, et cetera. I also would never betray my own heart. Yes, I am talking about my marriage to my most favorite person in the world!
    4. Fun? That is subjective, isn’t it? I can have fun doing a lot of things, but only my wife seems to share the same interests and ideals on what is fun (see #3).

    I guess I just eliminated my region and myself. Damn. Entertaining the thought was hot, sunny, fun and sexy! I have THAT going for me!

    • Hey, sorry to hear you are out 🙂

      But I have to say, you put a big smile on my face with #3…not just because you say you’d sleep with me because of my mind, but even more so, because of what you said about your wife.

      There is so much deception around, that it’s nice to hear 🙂

      • Well, Ann. I think that I have given you my take on fact and truth enough that you have a feel for one of my core (human) values. Perhaps it is how I was raised or that I cherish integrity. I cherish my wife above all else.

        My self de-selection doesn’t change the fact that I would savor the chance to meet you in person just to exchange ideas over a cup of coffee or tea.

  5. His blog this morning pretty much told me how this blog was going to read. I am sorry that you two aren’t in the same place emotionally. In time, if things are meant to be, the will be. People are placed in our paths to teach us things about ourselves we need lessons on. Johnny’s was to show you what is possible when you are ready for it and can commit. I hope you can stay friends.
    Good luck finding that ideal combo for a vacay, if you do, please share your secrets with us. We await your adventures with anticipation.

  6. Count me in for vacation too, please! Of course, as a bystander, it seems you made the only possible decision you could after the last public sharing of your argument. You were clearly in different pages and even though he had reasons for acting the way he did, his behavior (jealousy) was actually pretty consistent. I admire you for being able to recognize the trials ahead and make this decision. Poor thing you must be sick over it though. Hugs.

  7. Come to Sydney. It’s hot. I can throw a plethora of Australian men at you for sexual shinnanigans and we have beaches 😉

    I’m sorry you guys had to come to this decision. But I think it’s possibly the right call for you and him. It was tearing you apart and it wasn’t being good on him either.

    Love and hugs. X

  8. Aside from my view that decisions can never be wrong, I do get the impression that this one is based mostly avoidance of pain. Now there’s nothing wrong with that, but the trouble is you cannot avoid the sort of pain you are trying to avoid – it will only appear again in the future in some other situation.

    If your goal is to solve the cause of that pain – you could do that with Johnny if you feel so, just as well as with anyone else. As you will surely encounter that feeling in some form with the next guy.

    And by the way: solving that by seeking reassurance from the other party will only lead to a boring standstill relationship. I don’t get the impression that is what you would want in the long term, based on what I read in this blog. I mean solving it in yourself.. if that makes sense!

  9. Hi Ann,

    I’ll try! Your own argumentation for not going was this:

    “But because I can see it would be difficult to experience a great vacation, for us to bond even more, knowing I’m not changing my mind. How would either of us feel if the next week we read about the other having sex with someone else? Or – perhaps worse – before?”

    What I read here is that the reason you don’t go is that you are afraid you will feel bad because of it. Not because of seeing Johnny Id – you seem to expect that part will be great – but because of the context you place this vacation in. The potential bad feeling because of ‘bonding’ and then letting go, and of the probable bad feeling you will get afterwards. The feeling you are afraid of – as I see it – is pain. The pain of abandonment by another, the pain of not being connected tho this person.

    Chances are you are right, you will probably feel pain. But it is the sort of pain you will be confronted with anyway in future relationships. It is part of the human experience. (or you’d have to avoid relationships at all, but that would only lead to other kinds of pain and probably even worse)

    That does not make your decision wrong or right, by the way. You have every right to avoid pain if you want to. But it does make me wonder if you would choose otherwise if you did not base your decision on that. What do you think?

    • That helps clarify, thank you. Yes part of that decision is pain – definitely. Part of it was about putting emotional energy into something that I’ve already decided I can’t be 100% committed to right now.

      And yes, I’m not keen on pain but I know it will happen. That’s life. I put myself out there with Johnny and feel pain already. It was worth it, definitely.

      Thanks so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful comment.

      • To some extent, yes. Do I believe innocent people/children dying happens for a reason? No (just can’t reconcile with that one) – but that’s off topic. I believe that the people who come into our lives have some purpose, and, to use a tired cliche, if it was meant to be, it will be. Sometimes the reason is to affect you, and sometimes the reason is for you to affect them. I think you and Johnny really have/had something – but you have to be in the same place (and I don’t mean necessarily literally) in order for it to work. From an outside-looking-in perspective, I think it was you who affected the change in him. Now is a time for growth for him (and, from his most recent blog posts, it sounds like he knows it). And for you – it continues to be a time for healing (from the life you used to live). Perhaps you both will have to come full circle (sorry – another cliche) in order to see if you’ll be standing in the same place. I do hope that happens (everybody loves a happy ending). If it doesn’t, it’ll be okay. What’s really cool about it, is that his reaction to you (what precipitated the whole break down) awakened your spidey senses and reminded you of what’s important in a partner.

  10. All the best. As you’ve pretty much said, if it’s meant to be, it’ll work out in the end.

    I’m sure there’s some quote somewhere saying if you truly love someone you need to let them go, for if they come back then you know it’s meant to be. Perhaps that’s what’s happening with you and Johnny.

  11. I serve travelers, but I’m no travel agent, Ann!
    I wish you luck – with EVERYTHING. I;m sure you;ll find yourself some lucky partner – of either gender – who will help you move on and lose yourself in multiple orgasms…
    Okay, my glasses are fogging up… I’m out!

  12. Well you could consider the lovely country of Australia? Snorkeling on the great barrier reef could get your mind off things 🙂

    If you want to get a lot for your money, Bali and Thailand have some excellent spa resorts that will pamper you and not break the bank. My friends went to Bali and stayed in a huge house that came with a cook, butler and masseuse :O

  13. As others have stated, in real-time mind you, you are perceptive and smart and as difficult as it was/is to act on what you know is right, you have. I know this tendency to shut down, I do it. A lot more than I’d like to admit. I admire the strength of your convictions, in even the most tempting of situations to go the other way, to stay the course. Your course.

  14. I just re-read this after finding it at the bottom of the Random Post on your latest. I am typing this thru tears. I don’t know how you do it, but I want you to continue. You are a strong person. You have my unwavering respect. I continue to learn…..

What do you think?