I’m not sure when I last referenced it, but Johnny Id and I have been trying to sort out what’s next for us, ever since “the big event” a few weeks ago. We had agreed to just be friends and I wrote about it in my #TeamAJ…moving forward post.
When I was really angry last week, it ended with him getting angry and hurt in response and we decided at that point it might be better to take a bit of a break from speaking to one another. No contact, for 5 days.
You also may have seen that he left WordPress. He’s kept his blog up (thank goodness; none of my links would work!) and transferred his information to Blogspot and is blogging over there now. He said he would stop reading my blog, but he hasn’t done that yet.
Anyway. We spoke on Saturday. For long enough that I missed seeing my friend Katharine – who was slightly irritated but understanding. We had agreed to just be friends before, and we reiterated that decision. At the end of the day, everything else aside, I can’t give him what he wants and needs right now. Period. He’s ready for something more – he wants closed and exclusive – and I’m not there yet.
While I could focus just on that problem – the crazy long distance and the different places we are in – there is a second problem for me. It’s the red flags I witnessed through our few debacles, and some of the realities of our differences. I was given reassurances that they are transitory, exacerbated by distance, etcetera etcetera, but at the end of the day, those concerns are there.
So. There it is. We are done.
We will still stay in touch but not as often. I’m sure at some point I will read about him with some other woman (not that he is looking for it, he says…but I’m not a moron), and I’ll just have to deal with it. The reverse is definitely true. He seems better able to compartmentalize than I. The way I protect myself is to shut down and shut off…to just not care anymore. Not exactly conducive to a romantic relationship.
Perhaps at some point in the future, when he gets his life together, and I figure out what I need and want, it might work for us. It might not.
Do I know that by making this decision, I may be walking away from a great love? Yes.
Do I know that I may regret this for the rest of my life? Yes.
Do I know that I may never find another guy who treated me the way he did, even from 5,000 miles away? Yes.
But you know what? That’s the risk I have to take.
You may be wondering what this post title was referencing. Well, you see, on Saturday we talked about my potentially still coming to visit him next month. He lives in an amazing place I haven’t been to in many years. We would have a great time together. I really need a vacation. The sex would be awesome and plentiful.
I decided last night not to go. Not just because my Mom and a close friend told me it was a bad idea. But because I can see it would be difficult to experience a great vacation, for us to bond even more, knowing I’m not changing my mind. How would either of us feel if the next week we read about the other having sex with someone else? Or – perhaps worse – before?
So…of course I’d still like to know what you think.
I’m still going to go on vacation that week – the first week of November – and my ideal criteria would be sun, heat, fun, and lots of amazing sex. Any suggestions?