I write this from the town that Johnny Id and I visited when he was here at the beginning of August. I’m here with my Mom and some close friends.
The stores and places remind me of him. Then there was the man who looked EXACTLY like him sitting on a park bench. My Mom did a double take, as did I. We ended up seeing him multiple times over the course of the afternoon, and were even at the same restaurant for dinner. We’ve passed the hotel we stayed at several times.
I caught myself looking at gifts for his birthday numerous times. Then I had to give myself a shake and remember he’s not talking to me.
It happened more than once. I suppose it’s natural. All I can do is take one step at a time.
To that end, as you may have read, I met this man named Andrew who seemed to be a good way to find stress release through sex, be reassured that someone finds me attractive (the weight gain is really bothering me), and just help me move on in general. He was completely fine with a regular FWB relationship.
But I have a problem.
I don’t think I can be in a FWB relationship. First, I never seem to have the “F” part, whatever that’s supposed to be. Historically, I’ve gotten the “WB”…but nothing else.
Even my Mom, when I told her about seeing Naked Ironing Man a few days ago, said to me – well, did you ever actually go out anywhere? Sure, we had dinner out a few times, but that was it. That is NOT any kind of “friendship”, let alone “relationship”, in my book.
If it’s someone I don’t see any future potential with, then it’s easier for me to have a sex-only thing. If I don’t like them at all, then I really can’t have sex with them. I managed for a long time with Shenanigans. But he was smokin hot, so there was that.
Right now, it’s the craziest thing. I’ve been with Andrew just THREE TIMES (yes I will write about the other times). We’ve talked on the phone several times. He’s been mature and insightful and kind and open with me. He told me about his two regular lovers, so he’s not hiding anything.
We had a conversation about what men think about women who sleep with them on the first date. He said – other than truly traditional men, it shouldn’t matter. If a man likes you, he likes you. Period.
So what’s the problem, you might ask?
I met him for a threesome, for chrissakes. But here I am, feeling possessive feelings – ALREADY. For example, while he’s not a big texter, one night this week I didn’t hear from him at all and I found myself wondering if he was with one of his other lovers. It’s ridiculous!
I don’t even know if there’s any real potential between the two of us. I mean, he’s far better on the surface than many guys I’ve dated, sure. But gosh, that doesn’t mean much. So why do I care if he’s sleeping with anyone else? Why does it bother me that I sent him a hot photo (of my hand down my lace panties, at work, no less) and I didn’t hear back for a few hours?
He did call me one morning to tell me something hot (that he woke up with a raging hard-on at 5am) right when I was going into a meeting. I know he likes me. I get the sense he wouldn’t waste his time talking to me if he didn’t. He said with one of his other lovers they don’t talk much, and he is really looking for someone who also turns on his brain.
He owes me NOTHING. He’s said one of the things he doesn’t like is pressure. But he also told me I should be honest with him.
I compulsively want to sort things out. Have it all tied up with a bow. I can’t stand the unknown, when it comes to these kinds of things. On the one hand, I’m dying to know if he’s slept with anyone else in the week between us seeing each other. But do I really want to know that? It will hurt when I find out that the answer is probably yes – both other women, in the past week.
I seem incapable of just “chilling out” about the whole thing. Every question in my head sounds insane to me (does he like me better, will he stop seeing them since he likes me, would he seek out sex with them and not me, does he say the same things to them during sex). So I do know I shouldn’t ask them. I feel so fucking needy and it’s making me crazy.
Bottom line is right now, I don’t think I can have an FWB situation. I’m off all the dating sites still (haven’t been on Tinder after that first couple of days). I have the comedian, the lawyer, and Andrew, all hanging around. I barely have time to see my friends so men are definitely not the priority right now.
The Comedian and I have seen each other for lunch since that night. It was nice. We are friends and always will be. Perhaps we may kiss again.
The Lawyer has actually been in regular contact. He invited me for a drink again but I had to cancel. He’s been traveling and I’ve been crazy busy but we’ve stayed in touch. Not sure what will happen there, if anything. But he’s proven to be more than just a fuck-and-leave.
And then there is Andrew. I have more stories to tell about him, which are all good (as in, sexy but nice too). What I’ve learned is that he is way more than I thought he was. Which is good, except for the fact that I know he’s with others. Regardless of whether I should, I can’t handle it. I don’t want to handle it. It causes too much noise in my brain.
I’m feeling far too vulnerable right now (which I HATE, by the way) to be able to try to be all mature about someone seeing multiple people at the same time. It’s ironic that I can’t be in this FWB relationship because I actually like the man. I’m not exactly sure how to have that conversation, but I suppose I will just say have to say that I can’t see him anymore and let him know why.
Of course, all suggestions are welcome.