Update: I feel the need, after all the comments and feedback, to clarify WHY I wrote this post. I wrote it for me. It’s how I process things; this blog is my journal. I didn’t write it to “bait” Johnny into responding to me, since as far as I knew he was no longer reading.
Unfortunately, I was wrong.
This was NOT meant to be an attack on Johnny. I’m deeply sorry if it seemed that way because he’s not worthy of any attack whatsoever.
The point I was trying to make is that I read things out of context and get a bit obsessed, and it’s not rational. In other words – these are MY problems – this is a peek into the craziness that is my brain sometimes.
I know that last weekend I promised a post on my most embarrassing sexual moment ever. I’m working on it, I promise. I’ve told the abbreviated version to a few people and I laughed until I cried. So it’s just taking a while to get it finished.
A couple of you commented privately that I seem to be using sex to heal. I suppose that is true. At the very least, I’m plunging myself into all kinds of things to keep from obsessing. You see, I’m still hurting over Johnny Id.
I sent him an email last weekend, after reading a post that referenced he was going to spend the weekend drinking. I told him I knew he was unlikely to respond but I was worried about him and was hoping he would take care of himself. I also suggested he pay little attention to the comments on this blog (yes, he was still reading), since I know there were a few which really bothered him.
I didn’t hear back from him. Not too much of a surprise, but the silent treatment really bothers me. I figure it wouldn’t have been too much for him just to even say “thanks for your concern”. But I know, I know…why would he bother?
I think what I’m struggling with the most is I don’t know what to believe anymore.
He wrote many thousands of words saying he was fine with polyamory and open relationships. Every decision we made was discussed thoroughly. We talked about options from all angles and I always believed he was onside with what we decided. His post called “#TeamAJ – Just Friends” rationalized me going from a girlfriend to a friend. He said the right thing to do was for me to dump him. He also said “She’s still family, I still love her, want her to be happy, we’re just changing up the roles a bit.”
Then it all went to shit. You can just look on the Johnny Id page to read what happened.
I told him (and I meant it) he should write whatever he feels like, no matter what. If I have trouble reading it, that’s my problem.
I’ve kept reading and find myself obsessing over certain phrases. I suppose it’s normal, but it’s not healthy. I know I have a tendency to focus on a specific turn of phrase. Below are the phrases I’ve gotten stuck on, and the thoughts I have in response. YES, they are out of context. That’s the point. This is what I read over and over, regardless of what is before and after. Nor am I implying my responses are rational and mature.
“Other times we think we’ve found the right person and when they aren’t it crushes us, not because we’ve lost them but because the illusion in our heads has been broken.”
WTF? He isn’t upset he lost me? I never deceived him. How can he be mad at me when the illusion came from his head?
“I think I’m done with women and relationships for the foreseeable future. People are messy creatures that create as many problems as they solve. Connecting with other people introduces unnecessary complexity…I don’t see the need to clean up after anyone else.”
He saw me as not being worth it? Just adding “unnecessary complexity”? What did I ever ask him to “clean up” for me?
“I’ve resisted the urge to write my side of the story, which hasn’t been easy with some of the barbs that have been thrown my way. People seem to forget that there are two sides to every story. My side doesn’t really matter to anyone but me and Ann, posting it would only make a bad situation worse. So, I haven’t written about it. Or at least I haven’t posted about it, I’ve been writing plenty.”
Nice passive aggressive stance here. I’ve thrown no barbs, I know what I write is from my perspective only, and while some of my readers had a pretty extreme response to our situation, he said he wouldn’t be reading my blog. I meant what I said when I told him to write what he wants. How much worse can anything be that what he posted when fueled by anger and alcohol?
I consider her feelings before I write any of this. I try not to write things that might cause her additional pain. I give her time, space, and quiet to contemplate without stirring up the pot. I have stories of my own that illustrate my side of things. But I’m trying not to make any of this messier than necessary or more painful for her.
The silent treatment is worse. I didn’t ask for quiet contemplation. And for the record, how often did I say one thing then act a different way? Right. I’ve been pretty consistent from Day 1.
“I realized that my brain has been stuck in those past behaviors. It was leading me to accept things and situations that I shouldn’t have. But I’m not in that place anymore, I don’t have to rationalize and push my needs to the side just to survive a bad situation.”
Oh, now I’m just a “bad situation”? Do you know how many times I suggested that he was rationalizing something that didn’t feel right? What did I get in response? More convincing he was fine.
“No need to drag baggage around with me, if it’s not useful leave it behind and move on feeling lighter.”
So I added unnecessary complexity, was a bad situation, and now I’m baggage? Great.
Shelley, my old friend from work just emailed me…she was trying to come back in December to run the marathon with me. She asked if she could sleep on my couch, I told her she was more than welcome to it. Turns out, she’s going to be too busy with work.”
First of all, he doesn’t have a couch. When I suggested that allowing newly-divorced Shelley (who he has real fondness for) to come stay at his place – something DEFINITELY would happen? I got denials all around. Give me a fucking break.
“One of the benefits of a slow weekend is I can spend some quality time coming up with plans for my tattoo appointment next month. There’s some work that needs to be done on my right arm…I just need to come up with some ideas.”
In addition to the silent treatment, now he has to obliterate me from his body – where I literally have my mark. I told him I had reservations about him getting that tattoo. I feel like I’m being totally erased.
“This will also give me some time to figure out what to do for my birthday… I’ve met a few people recently that have some… varied interests and proclivities. 😉 They should have some good suggestions.”
I was supposed to be with him for his birthday. “Varied interests and proclivities” – right.
Come on Johnny. Out with it already, fuck some other women and get to a place where you can stop ignoring and erasing me.
Or perhaps all those times you said I would always be a part of your life, a part of your family, no matter what? I guess it was all a fantasy. What you wanted to believe.
So what does that mean for what I believed?
I will reiterate. His words are out of context. My responses may not be rational. So while I always appreciate your comments, please keep those things in mind.