Healing through sex & trying to move on.

Update: I feel the need, after all the comments and feedback, to clarify WHY I wrote this post. I wrote it for me. It’s how I process things; this blog is my journal. I didn’t write it to “bait” Johnny into responding to me, since as far as I knew he was no longer reading. 

Unfortunately, I was wrong. 

This was NOT meant to be an attack on Johnny. I’m deeply sorry if it seemed that way because he’s not worthy of any attack whatsoever.

The point I was trying to make is that I read things out of context and get a bit obsessed, and it’s not rational. In other words – these are MY problems – this is a peek into the craziness that is my brain sometimes.  

I know that last weekend I promised a post on my most embarrassing sexual moment ever.  I’m working on it, I promise. I’ve told the abbreviated version to a few people and I laughed until I cried. So it’s just taking a while to get it finished.

A couple of you commented privately that I seem to be using sex to heal. I suppose that is true. At the very least, I’m plunging myself into all kinds of things to keep from obsessing. You see, I’m still hurting over Johnny Id.

I sent him an email last weekend, after reading a post that referenced he was going to spend the weekend drinking. I told him I knew he was unlikely to respond but I was worried about him and was hoping he would take care of himself. I also suggested he pay little attention to the comments on this blog (yes, he was still reading), since I know there were a few which really bothered him.

I didn’t hear back from him. Not too much of a surprise, but the silent treatment really bothers me. I figure it wouldn’t have been too much for him just to even say “thanks for your concern”. But I know, I know…why would he bother?

I think what I’m struggling with the most is I don’t know what to believe anymore.

He wrote many thousands of words saying he was fine with polyamory and open relationships. Every decision we made was discussed thoroughly. We talked about options from all angles and I always believed he was onside with what we decided. His post called “#TeamAJ – Just Friends” rationalized me going from a girlfriend to a friend. He said the right thing to do was for me to dump him. He also said “She’s still family, I still love her, want her to be happy, we’re just changing up the roles a bit.”

Then it all went to shit. You can just look on the Johnny Id page to read what happened.

I told him (and I meant it) he should write whatever he feels like, no matter what. If I have trouble reading it, that’s my problem.

I’ve kept reading and find myself obsessing over certain phrases. I suppose it’s normal, but it’s not healthy. I know I have a tendency to focus on a specific turn of phrase. Below are the phrases I’ve gotten stuck on, and the thoughts I have in response. YES, they are out of context. That’s the point. This is what I read over and over, regardless of what is before and after. Nor am I implying my responses are rational and mature.

“Other times we think we’ve found the right person and when they aren’t it crushes us, not because we’ve lost them but because the illusion in our heads has been broken.”

WTF? He isn’t upset he lost me? I never deceived him. How can he be mad at me when the illusion came from his head?

“I think I’m done with women and relationships for the foreseeable future.  People are messy creatures that create as many problems as they solve.  Connecting with other people introduces unnecessary complexity…I don’t see the need to clean up after anyone else.”

He saw me as not being worth it? Just adding “unnecessary complexity”? What did I ever ask him to “clean up” for me?

“I’ve resisted the urge to write my side of the story, which hasn’t been easy with some of the barbs that have been thrown my way. People seem to forget that there are two sides to every story. My side doesn’t really matter to anyone but me and Ann, posting it would only make a bad situation worse. So, I haven’t written about it. Or at least I haven’t posted about it, I’ve been writing plenty.”

Nice passive aggressive stance here. I’ve thrown no barbs, I know what I write is from my perspective only, and while some of my readers had a pretty extreme response to our situation, he said he wouldn’t be reading my blog. I meant what I said when I told him to write what he wants. How much worse can anything be that what he posted when fueled by anger and alcohol?

I consider her feelings before I write any of this. I try not to write things that might cause her additional pain. I give her time, space, and quiet to contemplate without stirring up the pot. I have stories of my own that illustrate my side of things. But I’m trying not to make any of this messier than necessary or more painful for her.

The silent treatment is worse. I didn’t ask for quiet contemplation. And for the record, how often did I say one thing then act a different way? Right. I’ve been pretty consistent from Day 1.

“I realized that my brain has been stuck in those past behaviors.  It was leading me to accept things and situations that I shouldn’t have.  But I’m not in that place anymore, I don’t have to rationalize and push my needs to the side just to survive a bad situation.”

Oh, now I’m just a “bad situation”? Do you know how many times I suggested that he was rationalizing something that didn’t feel right? What did I get in response? More convincing he was fine.

“No need to drag baggage around with me, if it’s not useful leave it behind and move on feeling lighter.”

So I added unnecessary complexity, was a bad situation, and now I’m baggage? Great.

Shelley, my old friend from work just emailed me…she was trying to come back in December to run the marathon with me.  She asked if she could sleep on my couch, I told her she was more than welcome to it.  Turns out, she’s going to be too busy with work.”

First of all, he doesn’t have a couch. When I suggested that allowing newly-divorced Shelley (who he has real fondness for) to come stay at his place – something DEFINITELY would happen? I got denials all around. Give me a fucking break.

“One of the benefits of a slow weekend is I can spend some quality time coming up with plans for my tattoo appointment next month.  There’s some work that needs to be done on my right arm…I just need to come up with some ideas.”

In addition to the silent treatment, now he has to obliterate me from his body – where I literally have my mark. I told him I had reservations about him getting that tattoo. I feel like I’m being totally erased.

“This will also give me some time to figure out what to do for my birthday… I’ve met a few people recently that have some… varied interests and proclivities.  😉 They should have some good suggestions.”

I was supposed to be with him for his birthday. “Varied interests and proclivities” – right.

Come on Johnny. Out with it already, fuck some other women and get to a place where you can stop ignoring and erasing me.

Or perhaps all those times you said I would always be a part of your life, a part of your family, no matter what? I guess it was all a fantasy. What you wanted to believe.

So what does that mean for what I believed? 

I will reiterate. His words are out of context. My responses may not be rational. So while I always appreciate your comments, please keep those things in mind.

0 thoughts on “Healing through sex & trying to move on.

  1. Your last, bolded, paragraph says a lot. I won’t discuss details, but let’s just say,I know on a much lower (but still emotional) level what you are going through. When the words shared in private don’t match what others are told. You second guess everything, and that is what sucks the most. Be honest from the get go, or don’t bother.

    ((HUGS)) to you for going through this. I hope you are able to publish the other story soon, or at least keep laughing about it in the meantime. I think there are also a lot worse things than sex that you could be using to heal, so as long as you are taking care of yourself, then do whatever. You will know when it is enough or has gotten too far.

    • Thanks for the support 🙂

      I am working on that post now – while putting my son in front of the TV (I know, I know…).

      And with regard to healing…I’ve found someone who is very open about things…it’s interesting, to say the least.

  2. I am sorry for the hurt you both are going through. One thing I am noticing in my own limited experience, is that I project/imply much more into a guy’s written word than perhaps he intended. I have to manage my expectations and not rush into thinking I have a “connection” with a guy because we text, sext, banter, etc. I too am using sex to heal my psyche but I’m slowly realizing that to truly heal, I will need another relationship – a good one that shows me how it should be.

    Let Jonny go. I know it’s hard, but for yourself more than him, release him and move on. You need to do this so you have room in your life for whatever is next. Keep moving forward in your journey. You’ll be fine, but let him go once and for all.

    • Thank you 🙂

      I dont think a relationship is what will make me heal. I think it has to come from within – not from someone else. BUT I do know that kind words and deeds, and being treated right, definitely help.

      I tried to caveat my post multiple but i suppose it was unsuccessful. Absolutely I’m reading more into his words that is there. I get that completely.

      • I agree wholeheartedly that a person needs to heal herself first. I also believe that learning what a good relationship feels like is also part of the healing process. Your link to the post about 18 signs of an emotional abuser really resonated with me. My ex has all of them. I know that I don’t understand what a healthy relationship should feel like, so just like a pair of shoes, I’ll need to try some on. That’s all I’m trying to say – make sense?

  3. Wow a lot said and even I may have taken it wrong. But if by any means it was okay from the thorough talks you had to be polygamous or to have friends beside the bed stand why does it sound like he wanted a true relationship monogamous style. Confused.

    We are ugly as a human being we do have a way to say one thing to one person and something else to another about the same subject. It causes doubt and that is what kills everything. One may not always like hearing it, but causing doubt may cause suspicion that can turn in to jealousy etc. But doubt hurts as you never know where you been going wrong and the answers them self do not shed a light. More so when they turn out to be lies.

    I am my own self and just blab out what is on my mind. the tongue is like a red carpet showing of the worst and best words I think of. Not always pleasant, I can assure you.

    If one cannot be honest with themselves how can they be with someone else. Speaking up if you do not like it so that the other may know what is going on. Don’t deceit and tell the truth somewhere else.

    Big hugs and lots of love, I felt this and like you still do. It hurts worse when you have been lied to.

    • I don’t think there was any intent to deceive. What he told me he wanted to believe – he wanted to make real. But the reality was different than the theory. We both ended up hurt.

  4. Ann, I have a lot of thoughts about all this – some of it not so nice for Johnny. I will at least say that I, too, have read all of the words you reposted above, and had similar WTF thoughts myself. It is starting to become more and more clear that Johnny wasn’t totally honest – whether with you or himself – it doesn’t really matter, the end result is the same. It seems HE created a lot of illusions about the relationship and you (in his head) and didn’t share them with you, while at the same time creating this facade that would align with YOURS.. It borders on “mental.” So it would not be surprising if you’re wondering whether the man you fell in love with and enjoyed that time with, really exists.

    I’ve been reading his [very short and often crytic] posts on his blog, and as a complete stranger I can’t quite figure out who this guy is. He seems like a totally different person from the one who was writing posts about his feelings and time spent with you. Maybe he’s writing from a place of hurt/disappointment/whatever, but STILL. Reading your post above makes his posts a lot clearer, and what I’m seeing is someone who isn’t what he seems, and is passive-aggressively writing things meant to stab you. And that -after he clearly DID say he didn’t want to cause you more pain.

    I agree with those above. LET. HIM. GO. There’s too much uncertainty in what’s real or illusion.

    It’s always easiest for those not emotionally involved to give advice. Not so easy to be the one who is. Hugs to you.

    • Tara – thank you SO much for such a thoughtful comment. I appreciate the advice – sometimes it’s the people who aren’t so close to the situation who can provide the best perspective.

      I’m glad I’m not the only one that sees real differences between what he wrote then and now.

      Thanks for the ongoing support – I really appreciate it 🙂

  5. “I think I’m done with women and relationships for the foreseeable future.”
    I HATE lines like that. People say those things to hurt the other person through guilt.

    You have one mission, young lady: Be happy! That’s it. I know you’re hurting but that will pass. And no, you’re not using sex to heal. You’ve had sex – you’ve got the bruises to prove it – and you’re still hurting. You’re a sexual creature and you always will be. Period.

    Don’t ever change, Ann.

  6. I have a feeling that you are being hurt more by sharing that because even if he says that he is not reading it. I believe he is. Which pushes him to hurt you back in a way to “defend himself”. I am not giving him a excuse because that’s not one. I am not asking you to stop expressing yourself either because you know how much I enjoy that.

    I just feel sorry for you that you are hurt and I have a feeling if you stopped writing about it for a bit, it might feel better.

    If that didn’t help much, then healing through sex is not that bad anyway … and I would like to help 😉

    You are a strong woman, Ann. I believe in you and I am sure you are going to be over it before you know it. I know it feels bad now but time heals.

    • I guess not writing about it for 10 days wasn’t enough?

      Another friend suggested he was writing certain things because he knows I’m reading. I hate to ascribe motivation at all, but it’s an interesting perspective.

      Thanks for the offer for help 😉

      …but even more so, for the support. xo

  7. You already know my thoughts and feelings on the matter. Perhaps it might be a bit easier for you if you stop reading his blog for a while?

    • Yes, I will try to do so…although it’s my only window into knowing how he’s doing. I really care about him and we spoke every day for six months. So cold turkey is a hard quitting method, especially when it’s not my choice.

  8. Ann,

    First off, it is appropriate that you set aside the posts that are a little more fun in order to express this. It is still so raw and the pain from giving your heart to someone and then having it torn will take time to subside. I if I could turn off your access to his blog, I would. There is nothing good coming from reading his posts or viewing his “silence.” It may feel good to get this stuff out, but at some point you will have to break from this cycle (which is more of a descending spiral rather than a complete circle). You are both hurting and dealing (or not dealing) with it in your individual ways.

    It is clear that the terms of your relationship change didn’t sit well with him and what he said and agreed to was the result of him being accommodating yet feeling like he has no input in the matter. You were going to do what you needed to. You also released him to the same and perhaps he wanted you to ask him to remain loyal to him (I am only speculating)?

    In our worst moments of our marriage, I told Mr. WC that I wanted a divorce (he would be wealthy if he had a dollar for each utterance) and though I would have willfully and angrily pursued it, that was never what I wanted. I truly said that to hurt him into coming after me to demonstrate that he loved me (it is a stupid and very childish move and I am ashamed for doing it). But, he (of course) always fought for me. No matter how horrible I would be in my emotional state, he was supportive. I would push him away and he would be patient. But I wanted him to pursue me. I don’t know if that illustrates my point or not.

    You have to stop reading his blog. Ask yourself if you feel better for going there. When you begin to get the itch to see if he posted, ask yourself, “how is this going to help me?” “Am I going to feel better after I visit his blog?”

    I don’t know you, Ann but I see a lot of the same tendencies (as you write about) that I also possess. I have been struggling with friendships my entire life. One day, someone will suddenly stop talking to me. Nothing was done or said that could have ended it. If I did do something, they won’t bother to call me on it? Does the relationship mean so little that they just shut me out? It doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does, I spin my wheels and the behavior that I exhibit is so similar to what you are tormenting yourself with.

    It isn’t easy. That is the point of Love. It is difficult, but so worth it. Whether it is with friends, family or THE ONE, it isn’t going to be easy. When it ends or you lose the person (we’ve lost several in the last few years), it tears out pieces of your heart. But we also heal. That piece is gone, but your heart is still capable of loving another.

    OMG, I am rambling.

    Hugs to you, dear Ann!

    Mrs. WC

    • I like your rambles. Thank you for the kind words.

      I will try to stop reading – you are right that it does me little good, other than knowing how he’s doing. He wrote that he realized he was trying to rationalize constantly, and it wasn’t good for him. I’m glad he realized that, finally.


  9. If I were the person going through this I would be deeply wounded by whatever the other person’s intended intentions are by writing such passive aggressive words. I want to string him up by his balls for the immature way he is lashing out at you. He acts the martyrs part. He’s certainly drawing himself in an unflattering light. Maybe to drive you away even more so. He needs to learn how to deal with life’s disappointments in a healthier way. We can bash him all we want, it’s too easy, sides are always taken. Sadly, in the end the outcome will still be the same. It was a wild, hot and fast ride, but now it’s over. I don’t know that you’ll be able to remain friends. Feelings are hurt, the heart is bruised, you will recover, and there is someone better for you out there when you’re ready for him.
    Your online family wants the best for you and will support you the best we can.
    Stay feisty girlfriend, you are an awesome lady! virtual hugs to you.

    • Thank you very much. I don’t want anyone to bash him – that’s not my intent at all. You are right; the outcome is already the same.

      I know there’s a risk we won’t be able to be friends. He’s very angry for me – for what happened and also for continuing to write.

      I will do my best to stay feisty!! xo

  10. *sigh* with or without context, everything posted resonates. you are far wiser than I and I love that you write as you are, no filters or hiding behind nuance. like you, I would continue to read his blog if he had one and i too would read between the lines with the filters of our relationship on. You are more than worth any effort but more importantly, you deserve the effort. Don’t forget that.

    • It’s so hard not to read. And I know I take things out of context – hence all my caveats on my post.

      Thanks for the compliments on my writing – I know no other way to write 🙂

  11. I’ve been trying hard for this not to become some big public thing, which is why I haven’t be writing about it. Posts like this make things worse. Please stop quoting me like this, it’s not fair. The whole reason I started blogging anonymously was so that I could write about whatever I’m feeling at that moment. Now, you’re using those moments against me. It makes me want to stop writing altogether.

    I responded to your points via email.

    • You may have not seen all of my caveats that I knew your comments are taken out of context and my responses may not be mature or rational. This is because I’m writing what I feel at the moment, too.

      I sent you an email as well.

  12. His words are out of context. My responses may not be rational.

    Yes and yes.

    I don’t think this post is really doing anyone any favors. But you know my stance on giving each other space.

    I’m also not going to blithely approve of this post either. I’m sorry Ann, I honestly don’t see how this is helping anyone. Quoting bits and pieces from his blog? That kind of makes me think you definitely should stay away from it.

    Every story has two sides, I usually take the time after something like this to go through how I reacted, behaved and acted – did I contribute? Was there something I could have done differently? I realize that you feel angry and hurt at his reactions/actions/lack thereof, but at the same time, you also need to take time to balance yourself. It takes two to have a relationship and it takes two and button pushing to reduce it to this. To be honest, he doesn’t have to respond to you, your emails or texts. This expectation that he does is ill placed. You need to get to a place where you work on yourself and getting through this without him.

    From my perspective it seems like this post is his spanking for not behaving and acting like you wanted him to (or responding to your email, text, etc). And that’s never a good thing. As humans we all think we will or can do something and when actually in the situation find that it’s not something we can do after all. It’s part of being human and finding ourselves and our own way. This whole cluster-fuck isn’t really fair on anyone, you or him. But it is what it is.

    I think this would have been better put in an email to Johnny directly than here. But that’s my take on it, you may think differently.

    End of the day though, I’m sorry you’re hurting. I hope that you finally get to a place where you find some peace within yourself.

    • I’ve never asked for blithe approvals of what I write; I genuinely appreciate differing opinions. So thank you.

      This post helped ME, actually. It wasn’t meant as a spanking at all so I’m sorry if it came across that way. I’ve been missing him a lot – and there are things I’ve read that have been repeating like a broken record in my head. It was good for me to get that out – and to stare at the page and realize that yes, they are irrational thoughts. That’s why I didn’t put them in an email to him – 1) they aren’t really worthy of a response, and 2) why would I try to reach out via email when he wants his space?

      I don’t expect him to solve my problems for me or to fix anything. And I’m VERY aware of my actions that have led to all this. I own them, completely.

      Of course I should stop reading. So should he. But we are both challenged to go from every day for six months to quitting cold turkey. And we are both getting hurt as a result.

      Of course he doesn’t have to respond. But I don’t have to like it, either.

      This blog is my journal. It’s my safe space to be foolish at times. I want to be true to what I’m feeling, pretty much at all times.

  13. I’m with sharn, sorry Ann. The past is the past for a reason. Focus on the present and the future 🙂 analysing the he-said’s and she-said’s don’t calm the fire, they keep it blazing. Taking a break from talking and thinking about each other will calm the fire.

    You might be feeling better from this, but now he’s feeling worse. Its the seesaw effect. He could come back with another post that hurts you, and then the seesaw tilts the other way. It could potentially go forever and get quite nasty. In the greater scheme of things, its pointless.

    Here’s the blunt fact: you two didn’t work out. It could work out in the future, who knows, but right now is not a good time for you two. So relax, breathe, enjoy what you have in life. We all know things could change again at the click of your fingers, so enjoy what you have in life *now* while you have it.

    I’ve often wondered why certain people don’t like me or want to be with me. I think I’m a pretty alright person so its surprise more than anything. But here’s the logical truth – not everyone is going to like us, not everyone is going to want to date us or have sex with us. People change their minds, have their own opinions. Its a confusing world but we’re all individuals. Number one needs to be that YOU love YOURSELF. Enjoy your company, enjoy your looks, enjoy the person that you are. You’re the one that’s going to be with you forever.

    • No need to apologize, but I do appreciate it.

      I took a 10 day break from writing about how I was feeling about Johnny, which felt like an eternity for me, after the intensity and frequency of our communications. I suppose it’s not.

      I completely agree with you on the reality of the world and whether people like us. The blunt reality for me is I put myself first, knew what I needed over anything else, and it was at his expense. I don’t regret that decision, as much as I hate hurting someone I love.

      • Its ok to put yourself first, it showed you that unfortunately at this time, you aren’t compatible. That’s life – we’re compatible with some and not with others. But don’t lose hope completely; we change our opinions/goals/lifestyles as time goes on. You’ll never be able to guess what the future holds 🙂 That’s how this game called life works, full of twists and turns. The suspense is killing me! 😉

  14. I wasn’t saying don’t be true to what you’re feeling at all, of course you have to be true to it.

    I was just pointing out that copy and pasting his blog wasn’t really the only way you could have written about it and that I just would have rather read about you, your feelings and your hurt without the commentary from his blog. It reminds me of listening into an argument that my friends are having that just makes me uncomfortable and awkward, you know?

    And having put it out in public like this, it might not seem like you wanted an answer in yourself, but looking from the outside in – it seems liked a way to get him to respond to you. You know he comes and reads here, you knew he’d see it. So that’s why I said what I did.

    Don’t apologize to me Ann, I never wrote what I did for you to say sorry to it! End of the day this isn’t my relationship and it’s not my heart that’s hurting. I realize we all say and do things when we are though. I was just trying to give you a different perspective.

    Like I said, I just hope you find some closure & heal. Breaks ups are hard enough.

    • Sure, you are right I didn’t have to use his words. I won’t again. I had my reasons – basically that I think it’s more honest than my own version, which would definitely be skewed – but I realize some don’t see it that way. And it caused pain where there is already plenty.

      I can tell you honestly I didn’t think he was reading anymore. The program I use to track my stats hadn’t shown any recent visits. So while I can see it may have appeared to be baiting him, I didn’t think he was reading.

      Obviously, my mistake.

      I apologize when I feel it’s warranted – and you are correct; in haste or the depths of hurt I dont always make the right decision.

      I do appreciate – as always – you taking the time to comment!

  15. “Other times we think we’ve found the right person and when they aren’t it crushes us, not because we’ve lost them but because the illusion in our heads has been broken.”

    …that is one thing he is SOOOO right about. We make people how we want them to be in our head at first because it’s how we NEED them to be. …then when we realize that they’re just human and the picture in our head doesn’t necessarily match? …fucking heartbreak.

  16. I know that I am terrible at this stuff. I genuinely feel nothing for someone once our relationship is over. Maybe a vague hope that they find happiness. But I don’t know if I would be reading his blog right now if I were you. Or ever again. I don’t know. Have I mentioned I am terrible with this stuff? I guess I don’t fall in love so the ending is never all that painful for me. But I see my friends suffer and I am helpless. I hope your upcoming vacation helps you get some distance and peace.

  17. Huh… I have always said there are three sides to every story. My side, your side, and the truth. Only you and Johnny know exactly what was said (and even that’s probably not true) and how it was taken. There is so much that is thought when a hot, burning relationship starts. People believe that nothing will come between them, and they firmly believe that changing their moral structure will be easy. And they actually think that Bambi shits rainbows. “I saw it in a cartoon that she likes so it has to be true!!” But guess what? Those aren’t rainbows.
    I haven’t been in as torrential a relationship as you guys were in, but I sure have had a few flings that had me believing stuff that I shake my head at now. You’ve had a lot of very sage advice here, Ann and I’m no psychologist. Hell, I’m not even a Junior Amateur Psychologist. But you have always struck me as someone who isn’t afraid to look at herself in the mirror and say “You suck!” when you need to. Nor do you hesitate to look someone else in the eye and say the same thing when it’s needed.

    So all the advice I have is to listen to your heart, put your brain in the microwave and let it sit for a while. The head and the heart almost always collide. Let them both decompress. A holiday sounds perfect. Just don’t tell me where you’re going 😉 <3

    • Thank you very much – I’m very much aware that things are just from my perspective, no matter how much we try to see the other person’s side.

      One thing I try not to do is ascribe motivation to someone else – it’s dangerous when we believe we know WHY someone does something else. And we are often wrong.

      I need some stress release for sure – not just because of Johnny but everything else in my life as well. It’s a bit of a shit show, this single parent thing.

      Maybe I can just hop on one of your planes and see where that takes me?

      • If you like Tel Aviv or Singapore climb aboard. I can guarantee only your safety. Stress relief is in Aisle 10. By the toothpaste.

        Children are resilient when they know they are loved. Keep that utmost in his mind. And then… love yourself. No, no, no. Not like THAT!! I mean truly love the woman who is Ann. She’s worthy of your love.

        Oh… and bring a bathing suit. It’s warm where we’re going.

What do you think?