Dog Drama. F*ck.

You know, I really need LESS drama in my life, not MORE drama.

Obviously, not everyone has gotten this memo.

Read my post called “What obligation do I have to my ex-dog” for the background context.

Two emails from Will (my ex) this week (the only thing I did was remove the names, otherwise this is verbatim)…

The first, to my Mom and me:

Guys – need to find the dog a home. Comes with the dog walker. We’re desperate. I don’t want to lose him from our son’s world but can’t get him down here in short term and need some help.

Can you do anything to help?

And in advance. Sorry for asking. I wouldn’t unless I didn’t have another plan. I really need help on this and am completely out of ideas and don’t know what to do.

What I wanted to say:

“Really? Fifteen years of you complaining about my parents, that they are annoying, too involved with our son, etcetera…and now that you are at the end of your rope, you reach out to me and MY MOTHER?! Do you see the life lesson here?”

What I actually said:

“Will, can you please clarify – are you looking for a permanent solution? Or something temporary until you can get him down there? If the latter…do you have a sense of for how long?”

And here’s the dramatic finish…his response:

The latter for sure and potentially the former – though permanent isn’t the right word as the goal is he’s with family and probably me, but that won’t happen before Christmas and need to figure out the details so don’t have a timeline worked out. I have a goal but not a clear plan yet so don’t want to oversee. 

Unfortunately, as of now it’s come to either we find him a home or we put him down as I’ve got him with the dog walker for now but that’s not a long term plan. I don’t have a solution and don’t want our son upset and this is breaking my heart. I just can’t come up with an alternative. 

The dog walker has said he would continue wherever and of course take him weekends people away and [our nanny] has offered to help too so it’s really a matter of having a roof over his head overnight and part of the family as he is part and I don’t want to just give him away and never see him again. I’ve even asked friends if they would dog sit. So far no luck. 

If you can take him I think that’s best but obviously I can’t force you. It’s a shitty situation and I have nothing but a black hole of ideas at this point and a broken heart as to what’s next. I’m totally gutted. And need any help we can figure out. 

So… I’m not a heartless bitch. Perhaps it’s helpful to note that my son hasn’t even mentioned missing the dog. What do y’all think?

0 thoughts on “Dog Drama. F*ck.

  1. I don’t have any ideas but totally get you on the only reaching out when it benefits them behavior. Lovely.

    Hope something comes up that works out for the dog, you and your son.

  2. Let me get this straight. He is putting this on you that he is going to have the dog “put down” (i.e. KILLED) if he can’t find a solution (meaning: IT IS ON YOU IF I KILL THE DOG). So killing the dog is better than “giving him away” to a family with the idea that he is never to be seen again? How does KILLING the dog become the better solution?

    No…this is clearly a manipulation. Sorry…this is worse than a di$&head move. It is pure, unbridled a$$holedness.

    • Yeah, I kinda had the same response as you to that message. Especially with the guilt around my son….who isn’t sad because of his dog – it’s because his f-ing father moved away.

      • Everything in that message is a (not-so-carefully) crafted tool of manipulation. He didn’t bother to even veil it with anything. It was just pure BS!

        I love dogs and I know how much of a commitment they are (nearly as much as a child) and I also know the emotional connections people have with them. Clearly, this guy is unfamiliar with either of these concepts if he can so callously toss that crap at you (and others) without hesitation.

        Were you REALLY married to this man? Seriously?

        • Yup. We were together for 15 years; married for 10. Perhaps this helps people understand why I’m so intent on doing things just for myself and my kid right now. I lived with this level of manipulation for all of my adult life, basically.

          • Isn’t it time to shed the bonds of this guy’s BS? Telling him to pound sand with his dog is appropriate.

            This is THE perfect situation to reverse your permissiveness of being manipulated. I would be willing to bet that he won’t kill the dog WHEN you tell him “no.” Time to stop being his go-to (pushover) when he creates his messes. You owe him nothing.

  3. Give me his address so I can kick his ass. After all this time he never considered looking into things , knowing full well he had to work across boarders.

    Make sure the dog is healthy vet visit depending on country he will have to be under quarantine (UK has 2 months) I believe these days are less if you get the right document from a vet.

    People who even consider putting a dog down (hate saying that) because the person is giving up. Might as well put the owner down.

    When it point comes to shove I know you will show heart, but for crying out loud it sounded like he is not even trying. And just praying you save his ass again. He should step up and get some got damn responsibly shoved up his arse and step up being a man and do what is right.

    just two cents worth of thought.

  4. Don’t take the dog…you have no obligation to the dog. This is your ex’s problem, he needs to deal with it. That’s the beauty of divorce…his problems are no longer your problems.

    • I like that he’s tying my son to this – the guilt around making it right for him, as it’s our son’s dog, etc., etc…

      I’m loathe to ask my son what he thinks. He so often wants to please that he will give us the question he *thinks* we want to hear.

      • Is there a foster dog program where you live? Maybe the dog could become a foster for a while until your ex is in a position where he can take him back?

        • I’m sure there is…I have lots of friends I can ask, if it comes to that.

          I suppose this is another reason why it’s not great he doesn’t have a lot of close friends…this is when they really matter.

  5. Bless his little heart! What a wonderfully crafted piece of oratorical crap he sent you. I’d love to see the original drafts he wrote 😀

    And here I was expounding on what a lovely “hemorrhoid” of an ex I have today on my blog. Must be something in the water, lol.

    Do you have no-kill shelters there? Cause you should definately put the dog up for adoption.
    I agree with all the others folks, once you take the dog, your ex will NEVER take him back. He had more than enough time before he left to come up with a better alternative. Obviously, when it comes to narcissism, he’s needs are met first.
    If your son is not going to fall apart over the loss of the dog, then adoption center sounds like best option.

    • Oratorical crap…love it 🙂

      and yes, he is TOTALLY self-absorbed. Sometimes if he really tried, he wasn’t…but it was pretty rare.

      I have to figure out how to gauge whether my son will be upset, without influencing him unduly. We’ll see…

  6. I am glad he is your ex!!! Threatening to put the dog down is awful. Could he pay somebody to board the dog for him?

  7. You guys are dying from a thousand cuts and I believe that you should both accept the inevitable and get on with your lives. The sooner you start, the sooner it’s over. And try to do it without blame as you are both good people, just not right for each other. Dr Larry

        • Interesting perspective…

          We have a child together so the cord won’t ever be fully cut. I’m pretty sure he’s well over me, but perhaps he realizes some of the benefits now that he didn’t see before. Regardless, I have no desire to go back. I haven’t regretted my split for a second, which is pretty darn rare from what I understand.

  8. Thoughts??? Your ex is a prick! (I’m being very nice here too.) Seriously!!! WTF??? How dare he threaten to put HIS dog down if you don’t take it? Who does that?

    Pffft! Call his bluff and make him handle it. It’s not your problem and let him know it.

  9. “Not my Monkey. Not my Circus” You can’t handle it with your own commitments. Have ex-hubby call local dog rescue societies and they will help him find a proper forever home for the dog. Or, under separate, private cover, send me his city and I’ll find him a dog rescue group.

  10. If I was closer, I’d take the dog and your problems would be solved.

    I love dogs and funnily enough one was from a similar situation. Except instead of an ex, it was an ex’s sister, and instead of moving away, it was that she had two kids and no time (and the dog kept nipping everyone’s ankles at its temporary home). He’s going great now and I’m sure if I didn’t take him he’d be put down by now.

    If no one in your family can take the dog, can it go to a dog rescue? He hinted that it would be permanent, so why not let it be the perfect pet for someone else? 🙂

    Its easy to say let him deal with it like its a piece of furniture he’s talking about, but there’s a little life in that mutt. It deserves a good loving home. Maybe the dog walker knows someone who wants a dog? The fact that he’s mentioning putting it down as an option shows me that you haven’t properly articulated how much of a douche this guy truly is Ann. Sorry to hear you were married to him xo

  11. I’m an animal lover and kinda feel bad for the dog – put it up for adoption if it will be a hindrance for you! Cos from those emails it sounds like it will end up permanent if you kept him…

  12. Don’t take the dog. He doesn’t care the dog nor you. He just cares his “conscience”
    And if I’m not wrong you are with a lot of work and are taking care alone of your child, so instead he should give you a hand (I don’t know, hire cleaning staff, or something) and not being a selfish… using you as a donkey.
    Agree with the posters above. He has clearly no intentions to come back for the dog in his worlds because when you are going to take care of the dog he suddenly is not going to have time, is going to need your help because has a lot of stress in the work, is unfair that you come with just a animal when he has a busy life, etcetera…

  13. Okay first off, he has a nanny and a dog walker? Wish I were him! That is a shit move for him to threaten to put down the dog. Call him out on it and do not take that dog! He is manipulating you and if you give in to this, he will expect you to do the same in the future. I love dogs and just had to say good bye to one today 🙁
    but I think it is crappy for him to do that. He seems selfish and irresponsible, but what do I know?

    • I have the nanny since I have the kid…

      But yeah, it’s a shit move, totally agree. I’m so sorry you had to say goodbye to a dog today.

      He is very selfish…I have a few posts that attest to it 🙂

      • Jealous. Single parent here. Can I borrow your nanny? 🙂
        Call him out on it directly. Don’t mince words…he needs to know you won’t take his BS and that it’s cruel to say those things. So sorry you’re going through that. Divorce stinks!

  14. I tend to agree with RamblingGoat to a certain point. I had a similar dog issue. My mom impulsively moved 1200 miles away for retirement. I always had a strained relationship because she would constantly make impulsive decisions that fucked up my life from childhood thru adulthood. While 1200 miles away, I ended up being her primary caretaker as her breast cancer came back with a vengeance. It was really hard for me to grit my teeth and do the right things, but the best piece of advice that my ex gave was this: “Just remember that the kids are watching how you handle this. Do the right thing because of them, not your feelings about your mom.”

    He was right. That’s what I did. When she died, she had a small dog and I was done with dogs. My old lab was on his last legs and I had decided I didn’t want another, but I got stuck with hers because I promised her I would take him. Now I have a small dog I have to walk twice daily. Is a pain, yes, sometimes, but my kids know I did it for love – they just don’t know it was for them.

    Please take away the emotions of dealing with your fucked up ex and think about your son. Think about him before everything else and that will guide you in the right decision.

    Peace to you.

  15. When you split, he took the dog with him? Then it’s his dog, his problem. It sounds to me like you have plenty on your plate to be going on with, without dealing with the stuff that he should be dealing with. If your son’s not bothered about the dog, don’t take it. I agree the the others that said that if you do take the dog in, he won’t take it back. Don’t entertain any further conversation about the dog. It’s his own business if he wants to have it PTS. Don’t have that on your conscience.

What do you think?