The end of Johnny & Ann?!

I am adrift. Lost and feeling helpless. Sick to my stomach, with a face all red and blotchy from crying for the last three+ hours.

Yes, this is long. But there’s no way I’m publishing this in serial form. Not today.

Anyone who follows Johnny Id may have read his two posts from last night: I Really Want a Drink Right Now and Different Places. [Subsequent note…he’s taken down those two posts since I wrote this].

While I haven’t written my post on the agreement we made after his last visit, you can get caught up reading his, called The Relationship Talk. We didn’t make the decision lightly.

This isn’t just about sex for me, this is about coming out of 15 years of a relationship where I realized I made a lot of compromises. Many to my detriment. I made decisions that weren’t right for me. And no, I’m not talking about the natural compromises you make in a relationship. I did those too – this went beyond that. Although at the time, I rationalised them away as the right thing to do for my relationship.

So I’m determined to make sure that the things I choose to do are the right ones for me. I’m also in a relatively selfish phase (except for when it comes to my son), which I think is pretty normal when someone gets out of a relationship like I did.

Bottom line…I need to figure out what my life is going to be like. What is my financial plan? When do I want to retire and what the heck do I actually want to do with my life? Is the person I am today the person I want to be? What kind of partner do I want to share my life with? Etc, Etc.

I wasn’t ready to fall in love, but it happened anyway. Johnny took me completely by surprise. Forget the distance for a minute; it’s an inherent conflict between the place I’m in today, and finding someone who is really fantastically awesome and knowing how rare that is. I don’t want to lose him – but I am deeply afraid of just “letting” something happen. It happened to me before, so my reaction to any whiff of that is visceral. I MUST know that it’s absolutely the right thing.

Perhaps I won’t ever know for sure…perhaps that’s the risk I have to take.

But now, I’m afraid my chance is gone.

The last several weeks for me have been extraordinarily stressful. So much so that my body is showing the signs, as is my mental state. I feel like I’m about to crack. I have no patience, no reserve of strength to deal with what would normally roll right off me. Every morning and night with my Son has been a battle.

To make things worse, I am deeply upset about my weight gain and water retention…going into a closet and having things not fit has been an extreme blow to my confidence.

I don’t feel sexy, and I don’t feel desirable.

Jason, who I’ve known for several months now, and who was the third in my threesome with Johnny (which again, he’s written about but I haven’t), knows all about my current condition, my relationship with Johnny, and us agreeing to open my side of the relationship.

A few days ago, he invited me to spend last night with him – he was at a conference a short ways out of the city and thought I could use a night away.

Boy, could I ever.

I wrote before that my heart had overtaken my pussy. This is still true. But I so desperately needed to get out of my head for an evening. To feel attractive and sexy and to hopefully get some release from the stress I am under. But I would not have considered doing that with just anyone. I trust Jason, he’s always been respectful of me, and he knows exactly the situation I’m in. I also have no interest in him outside of sex. So I see him as safe.

Johnny has had a shit few days. There was never a good time to bring up the question about whether he was okay with me spending the night with Jason. So I delayed asking. But we had a very clear agreement that he wanted to know what I was doing – truth is far more important to him than anything else. I’m committed to that.

So, yesterday morning, I brought it up. We are many time zones apart, so the sad reality is that it fucks things up sometimes. We chatted about a few others things, then I brought it up:

  • Ann: I do need to run something by you (text is fine) when you have a few minutes.
  • Johnny: I have a few minutes now if you have time
  • Ann: Well…I’m not sure how to ask this
  • Johnny: Just ask it
  • Ann: but Jason, who knows I’m super stressed out…he’s asked if I want to get together tonight
  • Johnny: Do what you want to do, babe.
  • Ann: i’m conflicted but I want to go…but to be honest it’s just that I need the release. and i trust him. and he knows my heart is with you. which it is. you do know that, right?
  • Johnny: If you want to go, then go. I do know
  • Ann: are you upset?
  • Johnny: It’s not really what I was hoping to hear first thing in the morning, but I’m not upset.  We knew we’d be here eventually anyway.
  • Ann: god I know the timing is bad and I’m sorry.
  • Johnny: It could be worse.  But you’ve been through plenty over the last few weeks.
  • Ann: Yeah, I have.
  • Johnny: I understand
  • Ann: Thank you. Really.

We moved on to other topics. But I realised I wasn’t sure exactly what he wanted to know and not know. The last time I went out on a date and he got upset, part of it was that he thought I was hiding something from him.

I really wanted to ensure that I was clear on what he wanted and needed, in order to be okay. So I asked:

  • Ann: can i just ask one more thing…what kind of communication, if any, do you want to get from me later today?
  • Johnny: Just let me know when you’re going to go offline and wish me a goodnight.
  • Ann: okay can definitely do that. i really want to ensure you are okay as you can possibly be. It’s really important to me, for many reasons.
  • Johnny: I just don’t handle doubt well, so as long as I know what’s up I don’t need or want details.
  • Ann: is there anything else you want / need to know?
  • Johnny: Nope, I don’t want to know anything else.  It’s just the doubt/honesty stuff that gets to me.  As long as I know what’s up, that eliminates the doubt.

Our last clarification came a bit later:

Johnny: Hey, leaving for my appointment. I just wanted to add a quick note, I can handle you being open as long as you’re completely honest about it. What is a deal breaker for me is lying. If I find out later about something you lied about, or happened to not mention, trust is broken and I’m done. Open I can handle, lies I can’t and won’t. I trust you implicitly right now which is the only way this works for me. I just wanted to reiterate that because I can’t give second chances on that.

Ann: I completely understand that. so i’m not sure what you would consider details you don’t want to know, versus what you think are things you would consider my “failing to mention”. I am not going to lie to you. I definitely don’t want to lie to you through omission, inadvertently, in thinking I’m just not telling you something that would hurt you and isn’t material. if that makes sense.

Johnny: I just want to know that’s what you’re doing. If you drop out of communication for a while because you’re out dancing with the girls or whether you’re getting laid. I don’t want to doubt what you’re doing or telling me. Because if I don’t know about the guy I’m going to consider it cheating, its behind my back. And you know how I feel about cheating. I don’t want details, I just want to believe whatever you tell me you’re doing. Otherwise my mind thinks the worst. So, I’m going to give you amnesty right now, is there anything I should know about that I don’t right now?

I confirmed that no, there wasn’t anything he didn’t know about. Our day continued, we chatted back and forth about some other things.

Before I signed off, I let him know, and told him again that I loved him. He responded with what I thought was a sincere “Have Fun”. The last thing he said was “I’m having a terrible day and this is the icing on the cake. But writing about it isn’t helping. Go do your thing, I’ll talk to you tomorrow when I’m hopefully in a better place.”

I saw his first post before I went to bed. I was horrified. I had no idea what to do. I asked a couple of friends for advice. They suggested I just leave it overnight. Of course, I couldn’t sleep at all. I finally did, fitfully.

I woke up to this text, which came in between 2-3am my time:

Johnny: You know what, I’m not sure I want to talk to you later. I’m not sure I’m ok with where you are. I’m not sure I’m ok with you being there. I’m here, I’m not happy, I’m not okay. I don’t know that I want to talk to you any more. What a long, fucked up day it’s been. I don’t need this BS. You want what you want, fine, but I don’t need to be on the wrong end of that equation.

My heart dropped out of my body. I couldn’t focus, couldn’t breathe. I took a while to think about how to respond. Do I doubt what he says because he’d been drinking? Or do I honour what he said? My ex rarely ever said what he meant. He would tell me what I wanted to hear and then I’d get punished for believing him later. This is a real hot button for me.

I thought I should give him some time. His text was pretty clear that he didn’t want to talk to me. I can’t force that. Was this a break-up text? Seemed a bit harsh, but I know he puts his thoughts together better in writing than over the phone. Either way I thought it best to give him the space he seemed to need.

I started the drive home and had to pull over because I was crying too hard to see the road. I wrote this back to him:

Ann: I read your posts last night and saw this note this morning and as much as it breaks my heart I guess I have to honour your ask. I hope you change your mind and that some day you come back to me. I will always love you.

About an hour later my phone pinged with this:

Johnny: Lol, that’s your response to a drunken message in the middle of the night? What, you were just waiting for an excuse? You need your freedom, babe, you got it. I hope it’s everything you wished for.

I immediately called him on his mobile, several times. He didn’t answer. I tried his work mobile and he answered and hung up on me. Twice.

I have no choice but to sit and wait. And hope.

0 thoughts on “The end of Johnny & Ann?!

  1. I only liked your entry to show my support for what you are both going through. I hope for you both that you can work things out, if not, that you both come out of it OK.

  2. I cannot imagine going through this after all that you have been through. My heart aches for you, sweetie! I dread the day that I ever have to be in the world of singularity. Some days, I am sick with fear when my husband leaves for the office, driving the 2+ hours over stretches of highway that all too often are wrought with fatal crashes. What if the beautiful woman at the office finally gets his heart to cave? Why do I do this to myself?

    I only post this because I don’t have any other way to empathize with you. Too many of my girlfriends are currently dealing with situations eerily similar to what you are immersed into. They are gripped with grief and frustration as they still suffer from the demise of their long-term marriages and are now struggling through the minefield of a being a single woman.

    Thinking about you (and Johnny) right now.

      • It is very similar to what we go through when we grieve the loss of a loved one. It is perfectly fine to take the time to just “be.”

        If you are anything like me, I want to know every minute detail in order to be able to understand what transpired (in a relationship gone bad). What did I do? What did I say? Where did I go wrong. My husband is always reassuring me that people are so unique and individual, responding in their own way to everything that is happening around them (and within them). We (women) are adept and adding up each analyzed interaction so negatively that we think that we are the sole reason for the situation at hand. Is that a symptom of desiring full control?

        I suppose women like to have as much control as men (think that they) do. We can barely control our own emotions and actions!

        Good heavens! Humans are such messy beings!

  3. Can’t like the post, because there is too much emotion and disappointment to go there. I am sorry that this has taken this turn. I can only hope from afar that whatever happens was for a reason and that the end makes it better than you had hoped…. Hugs

  4. I’m cautious about saying too much, because I don’t want to trash the guy and then y’all get back together, and then I look stupid. But that last exchange is no good. Like you, I hate when people don’t say what they mean, and expect you to just know that somehow, and get mad if you don’t. I had a relationship like that once, where she literally told me she was “testing” me to see how I would react. I don’t accept that. You responded to his message, I thought, respectfully, but then he gets mad at you because it was a “drunken text,”? That’s effed up. And then ignoring your calls and hanging up on you? C’mon, what is he a teenager?!? A grown man should be able to handle this better.

    But, on the other, I can also understand if things have been going really bad for him personally and it’s just bad timing. I’ve had those time where it seems like everything is crashing in around you all at once, and so you overreact to things. MAYBE that’s what’s happening here, and he’ll cool off soon? Either way, I hope everything works out for you.

    • Thanks for your insight… I appreciate it. I have definitely learned a few things in the last 24 hours.

      I don’t know what’s next. His recent post doesn’t make me feel hopeful…and I think he needs space…but it’s killing me to not reach out.

      • I completely understand, but I think you’re doing the right thing at this point. Back off, give him space, no matter how hard that is for you, let him figure out what he wants to do. You know he’ll read this, if he hasn’t already, so he know how you feel. It’s up to him to decide how he’ll want to respond or not. In the meantime all I can recommend to you is to try to occupy yourself with other stuff. Work, friends, family, whatever. Read a book. Watch some movies. Just anything to keep your mind off of this, so you don’t drive yourself crazy.

        • Thanks JR. I did work at home today because to be perfectly honest, I’m really fair-skinned and it’s super-obvious when I’ve been crying. So I’ll get to see my child in a few hours and that will be a good distration.

          There are other things I want to write…perhaps I will write and keep in draft…because they will be rather raw and not with the benefit of time.

          I appreciate the support. Thank you.

  5. I don’t know the whole story of you both, but I’ve read a few entries today, and all I can say is… you are obviously both very deeply in love with each other. Love means more than anything, no matter what anyone else says. Don’t just let that slip away, and don’t just wait for it to become right. Fight for it. If it really is love, you’ll do whatever it takes.

    My heart goes out to you, and I hope you manage to right what needs to be righted, and you’re both happy again soon.

  6. You have done nothing wrong, Ann, in my opinion reading the three posts. You didn’t hide or lie to him. It seems to me that actually he hide something from you: it’s obvious he is not comfortable with the terms open (you) and close (him) relationship when he says you are “taking advantage of her status” Of course those words could be fruit of the anger for other things that he is bearing.
    I’ve the impression that he was not honest and he have hide from you that he needed you because his problems but because his problems he knew that things would be even worse “I knew exactly, EXACTLY what she wanted to talk about” see? that’s said like he is having problems in money, family, health and of course love. Unconsciously you could suspected it because you wrote about why people that needs help don’t ask for help but is cryptic.
    Besides it’s possible that secretly he was proving you trusting that you would be free to have a open relationship in your side but you, by your own freedom, to don’t use that option.
    I don’t know you nor I don’t know him but I’m suspicious when a person demands so much the complete truth (the same way a boss or a parent to an employ or son/daughter) usually considers that he/she is not obliged to do the same…

    • I really appreciate your perspective; thank you. I too feel like I’ve done nothing wrong…I could have doubted what Johnny said (and assumed he wouldn’t be okay), but I believed him. Sure, I wanted it to be the truth. But we talked about this a lot.

      But otherwise, I tried to honour our agreement. We had also agreed that if either of us weren’t okay with it, we’d talk about it and course correct. I was never given that chance and now some serious damage has been done.

  7. I hope you and Johnny work it out, I’m rooting for you!
    Unfortunately I can’t really add anymore than that, but know that I hope everything turns out for the better 🙂

  8. I think his texts/posts show the signs of someone who has genuinely tried to give you the freedom within your relationship that you’ve craved, but when push has come to shove it simply doesn’t sit well with him at all.

    I can’t suppose it helps that he can visualise you with Jason, given that he was the third party previously.

    I think previous commenters are being harsh towards Johnny – he’s met his soulmate, agreed to an open relationship because it’s what you wanted and he wanted you to discover yourself, but I think his regret at agreeing to that is completely understandable.

    That’s in no way a slight towards you Ann I hasten to add. I can just see where he’s coming from. (I also need to add that I’ve not read all of your posts (both of you) so I may well have missed something, in which case I apologise).

    X x

    • Thanks for the comment. I didn’t take it as a slight. I think it’s quite obvious that he doesn’t want open & closed. Which in itself is not a problem…it’s a quandry to solve.

      But our agreement was that we would be honest and open if either of us had an issue with our arrangement, and we would course correct as needed. I wasn’t given the opportunity to do that, and now he’s broken up with me via his blog.

      • While I was typing my comment, I can see that you’d posted saying that you’d agreed to voice concerns etc.. I can only guess that the reality, as opposed to the idea, has caused him to have a massive rethink as to what he agreed to.

        He’s hurting Ann. Sometimes we all just need a while away from the cause of our hurt to lick our wounds and think things through.

        I don’t think this will be the end of you – I just think that reality has bitten both of you right now and I hope that in a day or two you’ll be able to forge a new way forward.

        Am rooting for you both X x

    • I have to disagree, I don’t think any of us have been too harsh on him. Speaking for myself, frankly, I may have been holding back because I’m hoping for the best. But at the time of my original comments this morning I hadn’t read his most recent post where he posts the texts and gives his side, and now that I have my opinion of him is even lower. He’s doing a lot of mind-reading (“I know this is what she really wants, even if she won’t admit it”) and assuming there, and that’s just not cool to me. And the fact that he admits to excessive drinking during all of this is another huge red flag.

      Again, I may be biased since as I alluded to before I’ve been in a relationship where a woman did this, & I hated that sort of behavior. Don’t make assumptions, don’t say things you don’t really mean just because you think that’s what the other person wants to hear and then get mad if the other person doesn’t react the way you think they should have. Just be straight forward and speak your mind. Someone else suggested that maybe he only agreed to the open/closed relationship rules because he hoped that Ann would voluntarily choose not to use that option. Well, if so, that’s stupid, and no excuse to be upset with her about it. He shouldn’t have agreed to it if HE didn’t really mean it. And if he did mean it at the time but changed his mind once it really happened, then that’s fine, he should just tell her that, so they can discuss it. Again, they’re both adults here, not a couple of teenagers or early 20 year olds. I’d tell him to put the bottle down, drink some coffee to clear your head and then act like a man, darn it.

      Okay, NOW maybe I’m being too harsh…

  9. Ann I read your blog and Johnny ID’s. I know you both love each other so much. I hope that you can work through this. Wishing happy thoughts for both of you <3

  10. So much sadness and stress in this post. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, with work and relationships and confidence and thoughts about your future. You certainly have a lot on your plate — sometimes, I feel life throws so much crap at us, that I have to throw up my arms and say, “Enough already!” I wish you much less stress and much more peace of mind in sorting out those many things on your plate.

  11. This is all going to blow over. You have his heart…no questions asked…he’ll have to let you back in soon. Until then, I hope you’re writing to him. Leave his mobile be and write to him– 😉

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  14. I’m so sorry Ann 🙁
    Wish I had some great advice or words of wisdom, but since I don’t, I’ll just do what I always do–send hugs and positive vibes your direction…and his. xo

  15. I’m so sorry, hugs to you. I hope everything works out. Maybe after you’ve both had some sleep a conversation can take place. I’m wishing you all the best!

  16. I commented on his post but honestly wanted to tell you it sounds like he’s being a drunken ass. I don’t mean that in a rude way, just in an I’ve-been-there-before way. I hope he sobers up and realizes you truly love him, soon.

  17. It sounds a little passive/aggressive or almost like he wanted to be okay with it but it really bothered him or that he wanted to see if you’d really go through with it and then couldn’t handle it! Take care of yourself….if it’s meant to be….it will! 🙂

  18. Wow….I’m not sure what to say. First, I’m so sorry you have to go thru this, both if you. Hurting sux no matter the reason. Johnny’s latest posts indicated his head wasn’t where is heart was (or the other way round?). He was clearly doing it for you from a written perspective. Almost convincing himself. I’m not so sure how I would have interpreted that drunk text….or if I would have known it was a drunk text. It was a well written rant for bring drunk! But your reply seemed a little extreme to me….but you know Johnny and I don’t. I may have just asked if he was sure that’s what he wanted before saying goodbye….it’s all so hard when the heart is involved. I really hope you work it out and he comes round. Hugs to you. Thinking of you.

    • Thanks Madeline. I agree my response may have been a little extreme but it was in combination of that plus his posts…being broken up with via blog hurt. And I usually push and push and push to have someone talk to me, and I don’t think that’s wise.

      We did chat last night a little bit; he wrote something for me to share what he was thinking about and we are starting to talk through it. It’s not going to be easy and not sure what the outcome will be, but at least we are communicating.

    • Yes…especially careless words shared with the “public”. It’s a strange situation. Blogging is my outlet and how I process, so I have to be thoughtful, I agree with you. Thanks for the support.

  19. He’s sabotaging his relationship with you. I don’t think it’s intentional. Time will tell why he’s done that. It’s a cycle that you can only hope will break with you. Hold on.

    • Thanks. We are definitely in a mine field…especially now. He’s written about what triggers him, and I’m definitely setting him off. Now the reverse is also true, so it’s difficult.

      We are talking now, which is good…and you are right; time will tell.

  20. I have been following your relationship since it has been in some sense a fairy tail. More on how it all happened and the connection that you have. The past day I have thought that Johnny has been processing, probably more with what is happening directly to him and what is also outside of his control. The connection you both have is I think stronger than what has caused this who situation. If he loves you the way it has been explained in your blogs he will talk to you soon enough.
    One other thing that I also want to say about us guys. When we agree to something regardless on what it is, we don’t need to be reminded over and over about the decision. It usually puts us on defensive and from the conversation you outlined I think that is more where his frustration is coming from. Time will tell but he will talk to you, just a matter of when.

  21. I have spent a lot of time in the Mediterranean where blow ups are a dime a dozen. And relationships always last there because they get it out, talk about it, yell a lot, resolve it, and move on. I hope, no I pray (and that’s saying a lot for me) that this is the case with you guys. Yelling is far better than just clamming up and letting it fester. i know you’ve put it out there to him… hopefully he will come to the table and talk.

    Free hugs at Willy’s Hug Fest. Today and tomorrow only. All you can eat.

  22. I wish you the best in what ever choices you make or have made for you, either way stay true to yourself Ann.

    Bucket loads of hugs and support! xo

  23. “I don’t feel sexy, and I don’t feel desirable.”
    KNOCK THAT OFF!!!
    You need to exhale and let life carry you forward. I’m not going to say anything disparaging about Johnny, but just put him out of your mind and move forward… NOW!!

    And that’s all I have to say about that.

  24. I wrote a comment then I deleted it because I felt that I should not take sides in this because it is non of my business. And I couldn’t comment about what I have read without taking sides.

    So I will just say that. I wish you happiness whether that is in this relationship or not. And I know you are a strong woman and will go through this regardless of the outcome.

    Hugs

  25. Okay sorry to hear this and damn I been there. receiving a drunk message or phone call. Ooh god the stories I could tell about those.
    One thing I do found myself was, and this was/is for jID be honest.yourself, if you do not like it, say so. Don’t get drunk, booze never solved anything. It was the same for me. Just a shiny penny from the crow, who has heard that shit before.

    Keep loving his ass he will come around and even see his mistake to even think you needed a excuse.

    You are a lovely lady Ann, it is not easy being on the long distant as words typed can easily be mistaken. Keep strong. xx big hugger

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  27. Wow!! That had to have been so difficult. I’m right where you are right now concerning freedom and coming out of a marriage. I can’t imagine being committed to one person right now, if ever again. But I also can’t imagine being in an open relationship, because I get jealous.

  28. Wow! I know this is a old post. My stomach is in a knot just reading it. I have been entertaining myself with the blog and even jumped on to his to get all sides. I know I would be him in the situation. Just so real! I can’t wait to read where it goes…

    • The posts he wrote where he broke up with me, drunkenly and angrily, he took down right away. So you won’t get that piece of the story… which is fine, it’s long over and water under the bridge now.

      and yes, it was very real. The downside of bloggers dating.

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