I am adrift. Lost and feeling helpless. Sick to my stomach, with a face all red and blotchy from crying for the last three+ hours.
Yes, this is long. But there’s no way I’m publishing this in serial form. Not today.
Anyone who follows Johnny Id may have read his two posts from last night: I Really Want a Drink Right Now and Different Places. [Subsequent note…he’s taken down those two posts since I wrote this].
While I haven’t written my post on the agreement we made after his last visit, you can get caught up reading his, called The Relationship Talk. We didn’t make the decision lightly.
This isn’t just about sex for me, this is about coming out of 15 years of a relationship where I realized I made a lot of compromises. Many to my detriment. I made decisions that weren’t right for me. And no, I’m not talking about the natural compromises you make in a relationship. I did those too – this went beyond that. Although at the time, I rationalised them away as the right thing to do for my relationship.
So I’m determined to make sure that the things I choose to do are the right ones for me. I’m also in a relatively selfish phase (except for when it comes to my son), which I think is pretty normal when someone gets out of a relationship like I did.
Bottom line…I need to figure out what my life is going to be like. What is my financial plan? When do I want to retire and what the heck do I actually want to do with my life? Is the person I am today the person I want to be? What kind of partner do I want to share my life with? Etc, Etc.
I wasn’t ready to fall in love, but it happened anyway. Johnny took me completely by surprise. Forget the distance for a minute; it’s an inherent conflict between the place I’m in today, and finding someone who is really fantastically awesome and knowing how rare that is. I don’t want to lose him – but I am deeply afraid of just “letting” something happen. It happened to me before, so my reaction to any whiff of that is visceral. I MUST know that it’s absolutely the right thing.
Perhaps I won’t ever know for sure…perhaps that’s the risk I have to take.
But now, I’m afraid my chance is gone.
The last several weeks for me have been extraordinarily stressful. So much so that my body is showing the signs, as is my mental state. I feel like I’m about to crack. I have no patience, no reserve of strength to deal with what would normally roll right off me. Every morning and night with my Son has been a battle.
To make things worse, I am deeply upset about my weight gain and water retention…going into a closet and having things not fit has been an extreme blow to my confidence.
I don’t feel sexy, and I don’t feel desirable.
Jason, who I’ve known for several months now, and who was the third in my threesome with Johnny (which again, he’s written about but I haven’t), knows all about my current condition, my relationship with Johnny, and us agreeing to open my side of the relationship.
A few days ago, he invited me to spend last night with him – he was at a conference a short ways out of the city and thought I could use a night away.
Boy, could I ever.
I wrote before that my heart had overtaken my pussy. This is still true. But I so desperately needed to get out of my head for an evening. To feel attractive and sexy and to hopefully get some release from the stress I am under. But I would not have considered doing that with just anyone. I trust Jason, he’s always been respectful of me, and he knows exactly the situation I’m in. I also have no interest in him outside of sex. So I see him as safe.
Johnny has had a shit few days. There was never a good time to bring up the question about whether he was okay with me spending the night with Jason. So I delayed asking. But we had a very clear agreement that he wanted to know what I was doing – truth is far more important to him than anything else. I’m committed to that.
So, yesterday morning, I brought it up. We are many time zones apart, so the sad reality is that it fucks things up sometimes. We chatted about a few others things, then I brought it up:
- Ann: I do need to run something by you (text is fine) when you have a few minutes.
- Johnny: I have a few minutes now if you have time
- Ann: Well…I’m not sure how to ask this
- Johnny: Just ask it
- Ann: but Jason, who knows I’m super stressed out…he’s asked if I want to get together tonight
- Johnny: Do what you want to do, babe.
- Ann: i’m conflicted but I want to go…but to be honest it’s just that I need the release. and i trust him. and he knows my heart is with you. which it is. you do know that, right?
- Johnny: If you want to go, then go. I do know
- Ann: are you upset?
- Johnny: It’s not really what I was hoping to hear first thing in the morning, but I’m not upset. We knew we’d be here eventually anyway.
- Ann: god I know the timing is bad and I’m sorry.
- Johnny: It could be worse. But you’ve been through plenty over the last few weeks.
- Ann: Yeah, I have.
- Johnny: I understand
- Ann: Thank you. Really.
We moved on to other topics. But I realised I wasn’t sure exactly what he wanted to know and not know. The last time I went out on a date and he got upset, part of it was that he thought I was hiding something from him.
I really wanted to ensure that I was clear on what he wanted and needed, in order to be okay. So I asked:
- Ann: can i just ask one more thing…what kind of communication, if any, do you want to get from me later today?
- Johnny: Just let me know when you’re going to go offline and wish me a goodnight.
- Ann: okay can definitely do that. i really want to ensure you are okay as you can possibly be. It’s really important to me, for many reasons.
- Johnny: I just don’t handle doubt well, so as long as I know what’s up I don’t need or want details.
- Ann: is there anything else you want / need to know?
- Johnny: Nope, I don’t want to know anything else. It’s just the doubt/honesty stuff that gets to me. As long as I know what’s up, that eliminates the doubt.
Our last clarification came a bit later:
Johnny: Hey, leaving for my appointment. I just wanted to add a quick note, I can handle you being open as long as you’re completely honest about it. What is a deal breaker for me is lying. If I find out later about something you lied about, or happened to not mention, trust is broken and I’m done. Open I can handle, lies I can’t and won’t. I trust you implicitly right now which is the only way this works for me. I just wanted to reiterate that because I can’t give second chances on that.
Ann: I completely understand that. so i’m not sure what you would consider details you don’t want to know, versus what you think are things you would consider my “failing to mention”. I am not going to lie to you. I definitely don’t want to lie to you through omission, inadvertently, in thinking I’m just not telling you something that would hurt you and isn’t material. if that makes sense.
Johnny: I just want to know that’s what you’re doing. If you drop out of communication for a while because you’re out dancing with the girls or whether you’re getting laid. I don’t want to doubt what you’re doing or telling me. Because if I don’t know about the guy I’m going to consider it cheating, its behind my back. And you know how I feel about cheating. I don’t want details, I just want to believe whatever you tell me you’re doing. Otherwise my mind thinks the worst. So, I’m going to give you amnesty right now, is there anything I should know about that I don’t right now?
I confirmed that no, there wasn’t anything he didn’t know about. Our day continued, we chatted back and forth about some other things.
Before I signed off, I let him know, and told him again that I loved him. He responded with what I thought was a sincere “Have Fun”. The last thing he said was “I’m having a terrible day and this is the icing on the cake. But writing about it isn’t helping. Go do your thing, I’ll talk to you tomorrow when I’m hopefully in a better place.”
I saw his first post before I went to bed. I was horrified. I had no idea what to do. I asked a couple of friends for advice. They suggested I just leave it overnight. Of course, I couldn’t sleep at all. I finally did, fitfully.
I woke up to this text, which came in between 2-3am my time:
Johnny: You know what, I’m not sure I want to talk to you later. I’m not sure I’m ok with where you are. I’m not sure I’m ok with you being there. I’m here, I’m not happy, I’m not okay. I don’t know that I want to talk to you any more. What a long, fucked up day it’s been. I don’t need this BS. You want what you want, fine, but I don’t need to be on the wrong end of that equation.
My heart dropped out of my body. I couldn’t focus, couldn’t breathe. I took a while to think about how to respond. Do I doubt what he says because he’d been drinking? Or do I honour what he said? My ex rarely ever said what he meant. He would tell me what I wanted to hear and then I’d get punished for believing him later. This is a real hot button for me.
I thought I should give him some time. His text was pretty clear that he didn’t want to talk to me. I can’t force that. Was this a break-up text? Seemed a bit harsh, but I know he puts his thoughts together better in writing than over the phone. Either way I thought it best to give him the space he seemed to need.
I started the drive home and had to pull over because I was crying too hard to see the road. I wrote this back to him:
Ann: I read your posts last night and saw this note this morning and as much as it breaks my heart I guess I have to honour your ask. I hope you change your mind and that some day you come back to me. I will always love you.
About an hour later my phone pinged with this:
Johnny: Lol, that’s your response to a drunken message in the middle of the night? What, you were just waiting for an excuse? You need your freedom, babe, you got it. I hope it’s everything you wished for.
I immediately called him on his mobile, several times. He didn’t answer. I tried his work mobile and he answered and hung up on me. Twice.
I have no choice but to sit and wait. And hope.