The burden of weight and emotions

For the last two years, everything in my closet has fit or been too big.

I’ve kept the local tailor solvent by bringing so many things to be taken in or altered. It has felt great. Of course the extra 7 lbs I lost a year ago when I had food poisoning was an added bonus.

I joked that the weight gain was lack of sex. It was also most certainly a reduction of the hours I spent in the gym. Whatever it was, I gained that 7 back. No biggie…I knew when my routine returned it would come back off.

But going off the pill has been the tipping point.

This morning I tried on three outfits and they were all too small.

It’s a horrible feeling.

Tomorrow I’m going to a huge VIP party which will be filled with some of the most beautiful people in the whole world, and am supposed to look all fierce and amazing. I’m bringing a friend from high school as my date. I am dreading figuring out what to wear.

Today I resorted to a black dress which always works. I know empirically I still look good. My hair is still long and blonde and curly and my legs are still shapely. You’ve seen my tits. I’m sure nobody else but my most attentive lovers would really notice the extra padding around my middle. Hopefully though, they would be too busy fucking me to notice.

Wait. Oh that’s right. I have no attentive lovers right now. That’s not really fair to Johnny who is extraordinarily attentive. But he’s not here. He can’t put his arms around me or his mouth between my legs. I’m sure if he was here he would put me on a great sexercise regimen. It would help my body and my brain. There’s nothing like sex to make you feel sexy.

And even on that front, I’m not myself. We had a video chat last night (we jokingly refer to them as “date night”) and I lay there, tired and morose, no desire coursing through my veins. I know he would have loved to see me please myself, to cum for and with him, but my mind and body just weren’t in the mood.

I think you all know how rare that is.

[I just got on public transit and two guys are talking about how awesome my high school ex’s band is.]

I’m not sure if I told this story before, but a couple months after my split I went for a dental hygiene appointment and the hygienist asked what changes I’d made in my life, because my gum recession had dramatically improved. I’d made no change other than ending my marriage. She told me that often she sees this when people remove a major stressor from their life…but that usually it’s retirement. Apparently, your mouth really reveals your stress. She congratulated me.

The last time I saw her, the story was the same.

Today I went back. And I’m right back to pre-split.

Now, it could be the hormonal changes, which wreak havoc, as we know. But I don’t think that’s the only thing going on.

It is highly unusual for me to not feel like engaging the world. I have to honour how I’m feeling, and while I’m tempted to just chalk it up to my hormonal changes, I don’t think that’s the only thing going on right now.

This clinical bitch (yeah, that one former reader really kicked me when I was down) is hatching a plan (shock!). I will start to put it into action. Despite comfort in being morose I will not eat food that is deep fried or that qualifies as junk. I’m going to do yoga at least once this weekend. And I will find a way in my new single parent life to get to the gym, at least once next week.

And I will write. My posts will probably be shorter. Perhaps less fun. I’ve been self censoring which is absolutely not my style. But the real test of friends is whether they are there when you need them, right?

I have to start somewhere.

0 thoughts on “The burden of weight and emotions

  1. My dear friend, don’t ever, ever self censor. The moment you get into the habit of not saying what is in your heart and on your mind is the moment this blog becomes about writing for others and not writing for you. And that is when it will become a chore instead of an outlet, and you’ll find it harder and harder to post.

  2. I’m with Mark – don’t self censor. Keep it real and true and maintain your voice. Like you have said to me – to feel powerful you must be powerful. You can do it.

    And a small tip for your 7lbs…after losing 70….try eliminating the carbs and sugar for 2 weeks. It sucks I know. But 2 weeks will change your palette enough to reduce the right carbs and sugar and make your choices easier. Guaranteed some of the weight comes off, but it’s hard to do. Drink protein shakes instead. Try it. 2 weeks.

    • I completely agree on the carbs and sugar thing; thanks for the tip. It’s what got me down several pounds a while ago. I’m not a big lover of that stuff anyway, so it’s not a huge shift for me. But I have to commit to it. For me, I feel way better when on a day-to-day basis I avoid refined sugar and carbs, processed, and deep-fried food. I need to get back to that.

  3. You have a lot going on. You will soon be taking on the responsibilities of a single mother, the person you love is far away in distance and time, you are committed, so you can’t rely on your other lovers to fill the void, your hormones are readjusting and affecting you emotionally and physically and that’s just what I know from reading your blog. It’s no wonder you don’t quite feel like yourself. Feel better and be kind to yourself. This too shall pass. Much love and strength to you.

    • Thank you for the very thoughtful comment. I actually do have the freedom to fill the sex void with other lovers, yet I have no desire (literally and figuratively) to do so. I have a half written post about that.

      I’m not good at being kind to myself. I’m my harshest critic.

      But I will try 🙂

  4. Hey babe, anything you need (sexy or not), you know I’ll do anything for you. I’ve got broad shoulders, good for leaning on, and I’m a good listener. I love you, babe. 🙂

  5. If you’re short like me, that 7 pounds means an entirely new dress size. Most people won’t notice it, but we will. We are our own worst critics. My latest diet is the “divorce diet”, because I lost about 12 pounds since this happened.

  6. While I personally hate exercise with a passion that rivals my love of good chocolate, my husband, and my children (maybe in that order, too; it depends on the day), even I cannot deny it’s mood-altering and body-shaping benefits. Is there a childcare available at a nearby gym? Perhaps the shorter man in your life might like to take it for a test drive and maybe make some new friends. It’s going to get tougher to achieve balance once full-time single parenthood takes root, but taking care of Ann is should be on the list of priorities.

    • I LOL’d at “the shorter man in your life”… took me a minute :/

      Well, that little man is into soccer and frisbee and cycling…so there is lots of non gym stuff I can do with him to help keep me healthy.

      Thank you for the kind comment 🙂

      • We used to refer to my son as the “little man” until age 7, when he informed that he preferred to be the “shorter man” from that point forward. Thankfully my present DH is 5’11”, my shorter man is 5’9″. The term lingers into the present.

  7. So here’s what you need to do. Go out to your butcher and buy yourself the thickest, juiciest steak you can find. Fire up the BBQ and cook that baby to a divine medium rare. Not rare, not medium. This will re-align all your senses and your funk will evaporate.

    This is the voice of experience. Do not doubt me.

    • By the way, I just discovered your comment on Milan in my spam file. I didn’t even know I HAD a spam file. So I clicked on “not spam” and it just disappeared. So I just want you to know I didn’t ignore your comment (I’m sure you’ve been sick about that for days now.) And yes… Milan is definitely worth going back to.

      • Yes, for a week everything I wrote went to spam. I did post about it since I didn’t want people think I was ignoring them. But when I click “not spam”, I still then have to go and approve the comment.

        And I’ll for sure keep Milan on my list, then!

  8. Aw, girl, that fucking sucks (how eloquent am I??)! I don’t know what to say about your censoring except that I feel you. Whenever I catch myself doing that on my blog I start to search for the source. Sometimes I figure it out quickly, other times it takes me a while. But of course (which I’m sure everyone above me has already said and I’ve heard myself many times whenever I get like this and post about it) take your time, do what you need to do, don’t apologize for content, etc, etc. We’ll be here no matter what. (hugs)

    • Thanks, Hy 🙂

      My blog forces me to deal with stuff, because I’ve been writing so much, so often, like you, if I don’t write I really need to think about why.

      A part of me does worry about losing readers, since I feel like I’ve gotten into my groove and built a great community. But I suppose, such is life?

  9. I realized I was writing more for my readers hence the few rants of late. Hard to express myself sometimes since I try to balance my emotions and what I expose publicly.
    As to the self conscious awareness well that is just over thinking. Much like my two wives you know who you are. You know where you are going (to a degree) and know what you want. That is a what matters. Have to be a little selfish sometimes. 😉
    As to the gym we all battle that front. I have been injured for over a year and weight just came back. Now focusing on dropping the weight. And helping my wife find time to work out too.
    Don’t censor your writing and keep up the great work.

  10. Ann, I don’t know if you are aware, but fat is not the problem, it’s CARBS! Fat is more easily and quickly broken down and absorbed to feed your muscles (sugars make your body acidic and this can add a multitude of problems).

    It might not sound like much (I am amazed because I had hit a year-long plateau!!), but since I stopped worrying about my fat intake and became more diligent about counting my “sugar” calories I have finally lost another 4 pounds!

    • Absolutely yes, I am aware. My weight had always yo-yo’d and many years ago I stopped eating “diet” food and started to concentrate on eating well most days of the week. I wouldn’t worry about being out on a Sat night and having nachos or wings. Weight has been pretty stable ever since. I eat “whole” foods and avoid refined sugars and processed foods, and that helps. But I’ve fallen off the wagon of late.

What do you think?