#TeamAJ…moving forward

It’s been a tumultuous 10 days in the land of #TeamAJ (that’s Ann & Johnny, in case you haven’t had your caffeine yet) – and thank you to CelestialMel who coined the hashtag in a comment on Johnny’s blog.

You can’t go back to the words Johnny wrote last Wednesday / Thursday, because he took them down. That’s fine by me, because they aren’t something I’d like to go back to, either.

Last Thursday, through tears, anger, and sadness, I wrote about what had happened, thinking it was the End of Johnny & Ann.

I’ve been thinking about what to do ever since. I love Johnny and the time we’ve spent together has been amazing. We are well matched in many ways. But what I experienced had me very concerned. As he said, he basically jumped up and down on one of my big red hot buttons (and no, that’s not a euphemism for anything sexual). My ex had issues with anger and alcohol and not saying what he meant.  I wrote a little bit about Will (which ironically I was planning to do anyway) last week in my post called My Biggest Heart Break.

To add complexity to the situation, since Johnny and I met six months ago, we knew there was a collision between where each of us were in our lives and what we wanted. He has written quite eloquently about it several times.

So…I’ve been thinking not only about what I need and want overall, but whether – to be blunt – Johnny is the right man for me. I had to write to get it straight in my head – at least the “what I want” part of things, and my Short List of Desires post is the summary.

I had written the post and had shared a draft with Johnny. Later that day we had a phone conversation about what we were going to do.

I could repeat the outcome of our discussion, but I think Johnny actually summed it up beautifully in the post he wrote yesterday: #Team AJ – Just Friends. Please go read it. I’d prefer your comments here only because he’s shuttering his blog shortly. He’ll still be on blogger, so his comics and words are just a click away.

Although I’m not sure how it will work in practice, what I do know is it’s the best possible option for both of us right now. I strained against the restrictions, for many reasons. I worried about whether Johnny and I were ultimately compatible. Now, the restrictions are lifted. I have my freedom but he’s also not gone from my life. He can now focus on himself (which I also need him to do, as I need to be with someone with a full life).

I do worry, of course, about the impact of us pulling apart from each other, even slightly. As I focus on my own stuff, we will naturally spend less time engaging. If he decides to date or have sex with someone else, I will probably build up walls around my heart again, to keep from hurting. Especially because he insists that it’s highly unlikely that he will engage in someone else: I know it will be surprising when I hear about it.

I’m an expert at self-protection. But shutting down has consequences when it comes to romantic relationships.

I don’t know what the outcome will be, but at least we now have a path. I’m still planning to visit him in November, if I can sort things out with Will (my ex) and his calendar.

No matter what, I will still be here, writing about my journey. Thanks for sticking with me.

0 thoughts on “#TeamAJ…moving forward

  1. Since I only just discovered you, I am glad you are sticking around.

    I hope you are able to come to an arrangement that works with the level of friendship you hope to maintain. The blog world can be a small one at times but separate platforms may really help during that transition so that you are able to actually stay friends.

    ((hugs)) and peace to you.

    • Thank you very much. Yes, the blog world can feel pretty small, ’tis true…and I need to keep that in mind. The reality for him is that he does want to focus on his non-blog writing, in addition to not wanting to read about me with any others. I don’t think I can resist going over there and reading…but we’ll see 🙂

  2. I too am an expert at self protection and know first hand the devastating impact it can have on the ones you love. As I recently put it, I start putting pieces of myself away, locking them up, until there is nothing left. Sounds dramatic, and maybe it is, but it’s what I’ve learned through past mistakes. Funny though, that the lesson on how this course of action greatly effects the ones I love and in turn, care for me greatly as well, is a lesson that is hard learned. Protect yourself only to a level which is necessary. Change the locks, maybe don’t change the address. Best of luck. Hugs.

    • Ah, I like “change the locks don’t change the address”… it’s taken me a while to remove some of the locks, and it’s uncomfortable to me. Johnny said in a text that he feels like his heart is on his sleeve and mine is locked away in a castle. It was / is so true.

      Hugs right back 🙂

  3. Your fans will never waver in our devotion to your greatness, Ann.
    As for us, you and I will be a part of each other’s lives forever – just like you and Johnny. Except, of course, for the fact that we’ve never seen each other’s naughty bits… I’m rambling… I should go.

  4. Ann,

    I sense that the season is changing. The temperature is ticking up, slightly. The seeds will be germinating and the tender, green leaves will soon be budding. Newness (the good variety) is right around the corner.

    I won’t depart from you. Your writing and the subject of your very real situation keeps my compassion for you in the forefront. I am glad that you are staying with the blog and that your relationship dust is actually starting to settle. From the ashes…

  5. This is just a thought, and in no way judging you. Your most recent blog post reminds me of a movie, Hope Floats. In this particular scene, Gena Rowlands is talking with Sandra Bullock. Gena explodes with Sandra’s indecision:

    Gena: ” You think life is full of chances, you use one and there’s another one waiting. it’s the worst case of extravagance, the way you spend your chances.”

    I do not know you, nor will I pretend to. I wish you well in your decision.

    • I always appreciate contrary opinions and am curious about where they come from. So I will ask you this and sincerely hope you answer…did it feel like indecision to you, what I said? Did it seem like I am unaware that by doing this, I could lose a love of my life? What would you do differently?

      • Ann, my reply to your blog post was simply to put the thought in your head that sometimes we meet people and through no fault of our own, can’t get out of the way of ourselves. It seemed that you were not expecting to really truly like him as much as you did. You appear scared of something, and I’m not sure what that something is. Maybe giving up your freedom after being tied up in an unhappy relationship is in the back of your mind? I don’t know. You certainly don’t need a man, but do you want one? Not just a lover, but a friend. Someone who knows you at your best and worst and loves you anyway. That’s rare. And all things worth having are work. I don’t think you are indecisive. I think you’re scared. And it’s okay to be scared. Someone once told me RISK OR RUST. I wish you well.

  6. Wow, Ann. Such a tough decision. It sounds like you and Johnny are working your way through it. I think you have made a wise decision in being friends. Whether that remains enough for both of you will be a true test, I believe.

    I truly hope it works for you both.

What do you think?