It’s been a tumultuous 10 days in the land of #TeamAJ (that’s Ann & Johnny, in case you haven’t had your caffeine yet) – and thank you to CelestialMel who coined the hashtag in a comment on Johnny’s blog.
You can’t go back to the words Johnny wrote last Wednesday / Thursday, because he took them down. That’s fine by me, because they aren’t something I’d like to go back to, either.
Last Thursday, through tears, anger, and sadness, I wrote about what had happened, thinking it was the End of Johnny & Ann.
I’ve been thinking about what to do ever since. I love Johnny and the time we’ve spent together has been amazing. We are well matched in many ways. But what I experienced had me very concerned. As he said, he basically jumped up and down on one of my big red hot buttons (and no, that’s not a euphemism for anything sexual). My ex had issues with anger and alcohol and not saying what he meant. I wrote a little bit about Will (which ironically I was planning to do anyway) last week in my post called My Biggest Heart Break.
To add complexity to the situation, since Johnny and I met six months ago, we knew there was a collision between where each of us were in our lives and what we wanted. He has written quite eloquently about it several times.
So…I’ve been thinking not only about what I need and want overall, but whether – to be blunt – Johnny is the right man for me. I had to write to get it straight in my head – at least the “what I want” part of things, and my Short List of Desires post is the summary.
I had written the post and had shared a draft with Johnny. Later that day we had a phone conversation about what we were going to do.
I could repeat the outcome of our discussion, but I think Johnny actually summed it up beautifully in the post he wrote yesterday: #Team AJ – Just Friends. Please go read it. I’d prefer your comments here only because he’s shuttering his blog shortly. He’ll still be on blogger, so his comics and words are just a click away.
Although I’m not sure how it will work in practice, what I do know is it’s the best possible option for both of us right now. I strained against the restrictions, for many reasons. I worried about whether Johnny and I were ultimately compatible. Now, the restrictions are lifted. I have my freedom but he’s also not gone from my life. He can now focus on himself (which I also need him to do, as I need to be with someone with a full life).
I do worry, of course, about the impact of us pulling apart from each other, even slightly. As I focus on my own stuff, we will naturally spend less time engaging. If he decides to date or have sex with someone else, I will probably build up walls around my heart again, to keep from hurting. Especially because he insists that it’s highly unlikely that he will engage in someone else: I know it will be surprising when I hear about it.
I’m an expert at self-protection. But shutting down has consequences when it comes to romantic relationships.
I don’t know what the outcome will be, but at least we now have a path. I’m still planning to visit him in November, if I can sort things out with Will (my ex) and his calendar.
No matter what, I will still be here, writing about my journey. Thanks for sticking with me.